


How To Make Assholes out of Boys Next Door.

by bandumpster



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, Religion, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, a lot of pining, mix of angst fluff and rock'n'roll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-08-07 05:56:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 89,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7703176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bandumpster/pseuds/bandumpster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One fateful evening when everything has gone wrong, Tyler Joseph has ended up in a dark forest in the midst of a panic attack. However, he isn't alone, but was followed by an overly-worried, freshly moved in neighbor, who continues to pay Tyler attention in a way he isn't used to. With all sorts of tall walls keeping the two from easily becoming more than friends, Josh and Tyler get sucked into an ever-growing pile of drama evolving family, friends, and lovers.</p><p>P.S This story is like an emergency torch in burning speed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "In The Woods Somewhere."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! This is my first work here and I have absolutely no clue what the hecky-dizzle I'm doing! As you may have noticed there are no real tags yet so maybe you found this story long after I started and that's cool! Hopefully I've added more tags by now. If you're early, then hello! None of us know what to expect!
> 
> Anyway, talking to my future self aside, I hope you take a second and read this goofy collection of words. See you at the end!
> 
> (also I don't live in the US and I'm also not religious, so if my research fails me on how some things work, please inform me! I won't make any assumptions if I'm not 100% sure about something)

A thin mist traveled through the trees as they stood covered in moss, old and silent. Not completely silent, they creaked a little in the weak wind and their evergreen branches rustled softly, whispering to each other as they were disturbed from their slumber by a running child. This boy, sprinting through the woods with his heart in his throat and breathing fast alongside it, could not actually escape what he was running from. It was abstract. It was fear. 

He tried to keep going, but his knees gave in and he was more out of breath than he had probably ever been, despite his history of athletics. He was tall and thin, did not look like someone who could experience such baseless fear, yet there he was on his knees among the trees. He leaned back from standing on all fours and stared up at the dawn sky. It was dark and cloudy, threatening with rain soon. Even now his legs were getting soaked by the soggy forest floor. Everything around him seemed pitch black, and his old fears were suddenly exchanged with new ones. Scared of the dark? Was he alone?  
“Is there anybody…” he stuttered quietly, disappointing himself with how small he sounded at the same time as being scared of being too loud. “Is there anybody out there?!” He managed to get out. The boy flinched at the sound and stood up hastily. That cold feeling in his head grew heavier, the forest seemed emptier, yet this boy felt more powerful. “Is there anybody out there?!” he repeated and teared his nails at his arms and into the fabric of his shirt. They dug into the skin on his hands and it hurt, but it wasn’t enough, and his legs were bursting to run again. 

“Is there anybody...?” he talked out loud, his voice seemed to be the only sound in the woods for miles. Because it was, wasn’t it? Was he going crazy, now?

In the few seconds of noise when he screamed, his mind was white. Then it returned to dark, swirling with confused thoughts, fumbling their way through his pitch black mind. His thoughts were innocent, they were lost, and there was a serial killer among them. A wolf. Killing off good thoughts for him.  
“Hello?!” came a sudden call and the boy stopped pacing back and forth and just froze, staring into the dark. He waited. There was...somebody else. He was sure of it this time “Is anyone here?” the call was a little quieter. It sounded like another boy. “Where are you?” a rustle in the bushes revealed that he was closeby.

The first boy ducked. Why did he hide? Why was he scared of being found? Why was he scared? He held his breath, and held his ears too. He could still hear the stranger, though.  
“Hello?” he was closer. “You don’t...have to hide.”  
Why was he hiding? He let go of his ears, but still sat crouched behind the tree. This one tree. The boy stood up straight, leaning his back against its trunk. He heard a sigh. The other boy seemed to be on the other side of the tree, unknowing that he wasn’t as alone as he thought there.  
“Um...I don’t know if you can hear me, but...you don’t have to be afraid of me or anything…I’m just me. I saw you run out into the woods through my window and I thought something was wrong, and then you didn’t come back. Are...is everything okay?” the first boy felt his eyes tear up and a hiccup escaped his throat. “Oh...hello.” said the person behind the tree. He stood still. “I’m Joshua. Josh is better, though…” he spoke.  
“...Tyler.” the boy behind the tree whispered.  
“Sorry?” Josh asked, sounding apologetic. Tyler stepped out from behind the tree, looking down at the ground.  
“My name is Tyler.” his voice was raspy.  
“Cool, I’m Jo- no wait you already know, heh.” he scratched the back of his head awkwardly and sounded like he was smiling a little. Tyler wouldn’t know, he didn’t look at him. He also didn’t smile, but instead wondered how Josh could. “So anyway, what are you doing out in the woods? Are you okay?” he was suddenly sounding worried.  
Tyler clenched his jaw. “I don’t know.” he muttered.  
“Oh. Um, that’s okay.” Josh said and Tyler looked up at him in wonder. What was he saying? “It’s okay to not always know.” he shrugged. 

All of a sudden the clouds had broken and rain was whipping down through the branches, taking both of them by surprise. Joshua grabbed the hood on his jacket and pulled it over his head, but Tyler just had a T-shirt and quickly accepted getting soaked.  
“Woah.” Josh muttered, looking up at the sky. The clouds were swirling, but it wasn’t that windy. “We should probably go home.” he noted, then shivered.  
Tyler wanted to say that he didn’t want to, and that Josh could go home alone. They didn’t even know each other, so why should he care if Tyler stayed in the woods? It wasn’t silent anymore.  
“I…” Tyler started, and looked down. “I don’t really want to go home…” he said quietly.  
“That’s okay.” Maybe Josh thought Tyler was in a fight with his parents or something. Well, he sort of was, in a way. “If you want...you can come to my house.” Tyler was a bit surprised by this offer. “I know we don’t know each other but I don’t want to leave you out here.”  
“You shouldn’t worry.” Tyler argued.  
“I know, I just sort of do.” Josh answered. It seemed people had told him before that he worried too much. “We have cupcakes, if that helps.” he shrugged after a moment of quiet.  
Tyler sighed. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to stay in the forest anyway. He wasn’t feeling too weird anymore, either. “Okay.” he agreed.  
“Cool.” Josh grinned widely. His smile was sort of special. “Let’s go, Tyler.” he turned around a little and waited for Tyler to join him at his side before they started exiting the forest. 

The rain kept going, and they didn’t speak. It was mostly because they were focusing on not stumbling. Tyler didn’t really realize how far he had run, but it felt like they walked through soaked moss for an hour before finally their feet landed on solid asphalt.  
“I live right there.” Josh said, pointing at a window on a house. It was bright inside. Tyler nodded. He started feeling a bit shaky again, but tried to hide it. “My parents are probably asleep, so let’s be a little quiet.” he advised and Tyler nodded again, swallowing nervously. What was he doing? He didn’t...know...anything. Suddenly he stood frozen in his tracks, clenching his fists and staring at his feet. Josh took a few steps before realizing and then turned around.  
“Tyler?” he said. Tyler carefully looked up.  
“I’m okay...sorry.” he apologized.  
“It’s okay, let’s just get inside and warm up.” Josh suddenly rose his hand. “I can barely move my fingers.” he chuckled, separating his fingers very slowly. Tyler nodded and tried to smile a little. 

Josh carefully opened the door and Tyler followed unsurely. It was dark in the hallway, and after he closed the door it became very quiet again. He felt a bit awkward, but took off his shoes and waited for Josh to do the same. When he had, Josh stood up straight and smiled a little. He was an awfully smiley person.  
“Are you hungry?” he asked, and Tyler was about to say no when he decided to actually check, and was reminded by a sick feeling that he hadn’t eaten in quite a few hours. He shuffled his feet while looking at them, too embarrassed to look at Josh when he nodded.  
“Cool, then I’ll make something. Or well it’s not cool that you’re hungry, but you get what I mean.” Josh shrugged.  
“If it’s not any trouble.” Tyler muttered, following Josh into the kitchen, who simply denied his comment. 

Tyler sat down at their dinner table. It was still dark, and he felt sort of uneasy. He was still soaked and cold, and his head was still rushing with thoughts. Something was wrong, why couldn’t he stop shaking?  
“Here ya’ go.” Josh said and put down a cupcake in front of him. It looked like it was once neat, but had been put in a bag or something that made the frosting a little messed up. Josh sat down across from him at the table.  
“Thanks, Josh.” Tyler smiled genuinely for the first time yet. He didn’t really know why. He peeled off the paper and took a bite. It tasted just like he expected, but something was off about the texture. Tyler looked down at where he had taken a bite. For some reason, although he could see that it was normal, his mind made him think about maggots crawling out of the bread. He couldn’t swallow, but he held on to the piece anyway, staring at it without movement.  
“That bad, huh?” Josh suddenly chuckled, breaking Tyler out of his mind and making him choke a bit and cough.  
“What?” he croaked and Josh grinned with amusement, which made Tyler a bit annoyed.  
“I made them myself, or well my mom asked me to. They were actually for a church bake sale but I don’t think anyone will notice.” Josh shrugged and winked, his mouth stuffed. Tyler forgave him for being annoying quickly. “Anyway, what do you do for fun?” Josh asked, sounding genuinely curious.

Tyler didn’t know he wanted to answer, but he knew what he was supposed to answer. He practiced piano, but he didn’t really do it for fun. His parents thought he was restless and they knew he had talent for music, so they got him a keyboard a few years ago. In the beginning he didn’t play at all for a few weeks because he didn’t know how and wasn’t too keen on learning. Playing one key at a time was boring, so he started smashing them instead. This was fun. It was relieving. When he couldn’t scream out his frustration with things, the piano could do it for him. Soon enough he heard which keys sounded good smashed together, and it really just progressed from there. Then not long ago he had seen a cute little guitar-like instrument in a music store. To his surprise he had never heard of it before, but got one right away and he learned it very quickly. It was cute and soft and could express itself. The piano helped him take out his anger, the ukulele helped him let it go. 

“I like playing music.” Tyler responded and Josh seemed to lit up.  
“No way, me too!” he exclaimed in a hushed tone.  
“Is that really so surprising? Lots of people do.” Tyler shrugged and put down his cupcake. He couldn’t get the maggot-thought of his head. He hoped he wasn’t offending Josh.  
“Yeah but no one that I know.” Josh sighed. “I play drums. I don’t have my own set and I’m sort of new at it, but it’s so much fun.” he grinned. “My parents don’t really like it either.”

Drums. That was even better than piano. You were supposed to smash things, weren’t you? It was just noise. Lots of angry noise, as if the instrument is in pain. Though, it doesn’t really make tones. No notes to sing to. No, it’s just pure feeling. Tyler suddenly felt admiration for this stranger. Maybe Josh had a lot of anger to deal with as well? Thoughts that couldn’t be expressed with words sometimes.  
“I play piano. Ukulele, too. But I’m new at that.” Tyler explained and Josh listened closely.  
“Oh man, I wish I could play those. But I’m not very good at...melodic things. Beats are my thing.” he smirked and Tyler snorted at his ridiculous it sounded when he said that. “Yo! We should play together sometime.” Tyler twitched a little with surprise at how loud Josh was suddenly, who instantly had a look of guilt on his face and apologized.  
“Maybe we could. Although, do you go to my school? I’ve never seen you before.” Tyler thought out loud. He realized he didn’t even know how old Josh was. Tyler was sixteen, turning seventeen this winter. It was summer now though, the holidays only a week from ending.  
“Me and my family moved here in May, so I’ll start going to this school further south that I've forgotten the name of in what...a week?” Josh explained with a casual shrug, ripping small pieces from the cupcake paper absentmindedly.  
“Yeah that would be my school.” Tyler confirmed.  
“Neat, then I know someone. Check that off my mom’s list of worries.” Josh smirked, but Tyler didn’t really react. 

It wasn’t like he had no friends at school, but...he didn’t really have any _friends _at school. He had people to sit with at lunch if he ever wanted, people he could cooperate in group projects with, people that asked where he was if he wasn’t in class. Maybe sometimes he’d hang out, but only in groups. That was his own doing too, he didn’t really want to waste time with people alone when he could be studying or doing his own stuff instead. Josh would join the group of people Tyler could be around and Tyler would keep the line between himself and those people blurry, yet sharp enough to not have them feel bad when they didn’t ask him to come along on things. It was pretty simple, and he wished for Josh not to get his hopes up about becoming best friends with Tyler or anything, because that was a bit unrealistic.__

____

Josh yawned and Tyler looked up at the wall where there was a clock. It was 11:45, so he had been out for about 40 minutes. He wondered if his parents had noticed, he didn’t have his phone on him so he wouldn’t know. Either way he didn’t hesitate before standing up.  
“It’s pretty late, and I should go home.” he explained.  
“Oh, sure. Sorry.” Josh said and stood up. Tyler looked at him in wonder.  
“For what?” he asked after a while of thinking, trying to answer that question himself.  
“Hm? Oh, nothing. It’s a bad habit.” Josh shrugged.  
“Oh. Well, I’m sorry for not eating the cupcake. It was good, I just...lost my appetite.” Tyler muttered. “Thanks anyway.”  
“That’s okay.” Josh smiled and Tyler felt a bit better than before. 

Tyler thought of asking about the bake sale Josh had mentioned earlier. He had said they were for church, right? Then they might see each other there on Sunday, but he figured he’d find out eventually. Also, Josh had said his mother had told him to bake them, so maybe Josh didn’t attend the church himself. Then asking would just be embarrassing. 

Josh followed Tyler out into the hallway and stopped him right before he laid his hand on the door handle.  
“Yo, wait.” he said and reached up on a shelf, and was then presenting Tyler with a red umbrella. “It’s raining still, I think.” Josh explained and Tyler took the umbrella from his hand.  
“Thanks. I’ll give it back when we start school.” Tyler nodded and tried to smile a little.  
“Or if we see each other before.” Josh added, and although Tyler knew that was a pretty stupid remark, he nodded again and then left. It was stupid because if he was going to see Josh at any time in the next week, it would most definitely be a coincidence, and Tyler wasn’t going to bring the umbrella around just in case he would bump into Josh. So he’d give it to him when they started school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the end, you made it through. Was it terrible? I should hope not. Either way, I hope it was cool for you and stuff because I was sort of lazy writing it aha...sue me. 
> 
> Bye, lovelies! Leave some feedback if you want!


	2. "Sunday."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Sunday morning and Tyler and his family are at church service, as well as the Dun family. Josh and Tyler have to play off that they don't know each other, and then awkwardly sit in the garden because their families are sort of annoying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a bit of a filler chapter, it's pretty short. I just wanted to write this I don't know. Anyway, I changed a few small things in the first chapter because I wanted to put in some foreshadowing as well as some more depth and detail into Ty and J's home situations, but really it's nothing you have to worry about now! I just want more things to work with you know. 
> 
> See you at the end!

Tyler stared down at his intertwined fingers in his lap, becoming more and more absent-minded as time passed. He didn’t mean to, he didn’t want to, but he couldn’t shake the events of two nights ago. He was embarrassed about it now, he had never felt the way he did then. With a violent shiver he recalled screaming out into the empty forest and the feeling of not really feeling his body. His legs were still sore from running and he seemed to be catching a cold, but apart from that he wondered if it had really happened. It was like...it was like he had been possessed, or something. That was of course an absolutely terrifying thought, because he was sitting in a church currently. It was Sunday morning, his family was at service as usual. Tyler had looked forward to this ever since that night, he just wanted to be reminded of good things and hear the Minister’s familiar, confident voice. But although he felt a bit better, it wasn’t like it was all forgotten. Maybe it would have been if he had payed better attention. Tyler cursed himself for not doing so afterwards. 

“Now, let’s all say Peace.” these words stood out especially, they were sort of like a school bell. Tyler snapped out of his blank mind and sat up straight. Next to him sat an elderly woman, who he smiled gently to and took her hand.  
“Peace be with you.” he said, and she did the same. Tyler then turned to his mother who was sat next to him. She took his hand and kissed his forehead softly.  
“Peace be with you, Tyler.” she smiled.  
“Peace be with you, mom.” he returned. His mom held on to his hand with a troubled expression.  
“Your hands are so cold, are you sick?” she asked casually and Tyler pulled his hands back.  
“I don’t know.” he tried to sound casual as well. He didn't want to lie, especially not in church. 

After this his family started getting out from the pew and Tyler hurried with clutching his hands again and closing his eyes. He didn’t mean to mutter, but his thoughts slipped out anyway. He didn’t have time to think of a real prayer, so he just said what he meant.  
“I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention today. If...it isn’t too much to ask, could You please never let me have a panic attack like that again? Amen.” he whispered and then got up, and was soon right behind his mother. 

Tyler had had panic attacks before, usually when he overthought something or when he was having a bad day in school. Sometimes for no reason too. No one knew about that, no one really knew that he thought a lot about his life and it’s meaning, but he did. He thought about his worth and what would happen if he died, and many other things that most people didn’t think about. It had started a long time ago and if someone found out they’d be worried, which is why he didn’t tell anyone. Because it didn’t really matter. Some people think more than others, and as long as he had God, he was never alone, so he didn’t worry. It was rather simple. Tyler went with the punches and solved his own problems, that’s how it always had been, and he was okay with it. That was also why that panic attack on Friday had shocked him so much. He had heard something, and his thought had spiraled and then he was just out of control. He had felt completely alone for the first time in his life, because things had become a bit of a mess recently. But God can’t have abandoned him just like that, not without a reason. Maybe there was a reason. Tyler didn't want to think about it too much, it had all just been a little too much then, so he tried to let it go now.

Tyler snapped back into reality for the second time in an instant, he didn’t want to think about these things right now, it felt wrong. Instead he focused on not stepping on his mother’s heels as he walked behind her, but did so once anyway.  
“Whoops, sorry.” he apologized with an innocent smile when she stumbled and looked back, shooting him a mischievous grin.  
Tyler walked up next to her instead, his siblings trailing behind them. His father was walking on the other side of her and they were talking about something. Tyler was trying not to become absent-minded again, and it was easy when he noticed a little group of people by the end of the aisle, speaking to the Minister. It looked to be a family, a couple with four children. Tyler stopped in his tracks when he recognized the tallest son. It was unmistakably Josh, the kid from Friday. Would he recognize him? 

Tyler stared at him until Josh turned and saw him, which made Tyler’s stomach jump, being suddenly and very vividly reminded of standing across from that boy in the dark rain.  
“Tyler, what is it?” Tyler’s father suddenly asked and Tyler dragged his gaze away from Josh, who was smiling softly.  
“Nothing.” he said before realizing it was a lie. “I just...wonder who that family is.” No, that was also a lie. “I think I recognize their son.” he didn’t think, he knew. Tyler, stop lying.  
“Oh, they’re recently moved in. The...Dun family, I think. I guess they just settled into the church. Let’s go say hello.” Kelly explained and smiled and Tyler didn’t agree or disagree, but he followed with his gaze on his feet. 

His parents introduced themselves to each other and struck up a conversation, Tyler guessed. He wouldn’t really know though, because he wasn’t really listening. Although there was sound and a light mood for everyone else, there was an awkward silence and tension between him and the Dun family’s son. He could feel it. He could feel Josh wondering about him, so he didn’t dare to meet his eyes. That was of course until;  
“So Tyler, I’m guessing you go to the public High School here?” the woman, who would be Mrs. Dun, asked. Tyler did not recall introducing himself, so his parents must have done it.  
“Yes, ma’am.” he nodded and looked up at her, trying to smile.  
“Well, so will our boy Joshua! Good to know someone from the church will be with him. How old are you?” Mr. Dun asked with a confident smile and put a steady arm around Josh’s shoulders, who looked like he lost his breath from the sudden weight.  
“I’m sixteen, sir. I’m starting junior year.” Tyler confirmed and dared to meet his eyes.  
“Hey, stop slouching, son.” Tyler’s father commented lightly, although Tyler knew he was very well serious, so he straightened up and apologized quietly. “And speak up.” he was demanded, and Tyler did the same thing again, but more clearly.  
“Chris…!” his mother hissed and slapped her husband lightly in the side, making the whole assemble laugh a bit too loud for Tyler to be comfortable, so he closed his eyes and pulled up his shoulders. Suddenly Tyler felt a tap on his arm though and looked up to see Josh gazing at him, and then nod to the side toward the door. Tyler swallowed and then nodded. 

While their parents were still talking and getting acquainted and their little siblings were rushing around, getting lots of hushes from their parents, the two teenagers slipped out of the building. It was much brighter outdoors than what it had been when they entered the church, obviously because the sun had risen higher now. The air was warm and there was a soft breeze. Josh and Tyler walked next to each other in silence until they were further away from the building. Tyler was grateful for the quiet, because he knew Josh was probably dying to ask him a bunch of things.  
“I’m sorry about my dad. You know what I said yesterday about my parents wanting me to get friends and stuff.” Josh shrugged and Tyler nodded.  
“It’s okay. Sorry about my dad too, he can be a bit pushy.” Tyler excused and the two met each other’s eyes instead of staring at the ground and smiled a bit. 

Josh and Tyler sat down on a bench to wait for their families to come outside. The church here was rather nice, it was white and brown and had a rooster on the top of the tower instead of a cross, which Tyler had always found sort of funny. The cross was located on the wall instead. Outside was a big lawn with maple trees and gravel paths around as well as three round flowerbeds with tulips and other flowers. One of them had a peony bush that Tyler loved.  
“You have a nice church here.” Josh commented, looking around the gardens.  
“Yeah, I like it too.” he agreed casually.  
“How long have you and your family lived here?” Josh asked curiously. Tyler thought he was probably just asking to fill the time, when he actually wanted to ask about Friday night.  
“My whole life, basically. I was born in Columbus and lived there until my little brother Zack was born, so just two years. Then we moved out into the suburbs.” Tyler explained with a light shrug.  
“Cool. We lived in Columbus up until now, I guess my parents just got sick of the city.” Josh explained with a small smile.

Suddenly they were interrupted by their joined families exiting the church, talking by themselves. Neither Josh or Tyler reacted though, they just sat still and watched until Tyler’s mom spotted them and waved with a smile.  
“I guess we should go.” Josh muttered and Tyler agreed, so they stood up and walked hastily to their families.  
“It’s so nice to see you two becoming friends!” Kelly beamed and it seemed as Josh got a bit stunned, but Tyler knew she would be saying that. 

What Tyler had said about his dad being pushy was very true. Both his parents were, really. For example, he played basketball for a long time. Then his parents started expecting a lot from him and wanted him to get a scholarship through it, and the pressure became too much. When he told them he didn’t want to play anymore they had a big fight and Tyler ended up playing for a few more months, but then he managed to get them to let him stop. He had been really scared of them after that, because they looked at him like he had betrayed them. Then they got him his keyboard and wanted him to make music to play in church, but all he could get out was scary thoughts. Although his parents were disappointed with him in that too, he still enjoyed it more. They didn’t know he could play ukulele yet. 

Tyler remembered how Josh had said that his parents didn’t like that he played drums. Maybe the situation was similar, except no one plays drums in church. That was probably why they disliked it. So he and Josh had something more in common, sort of. 

They all walked back to the parking lot, Tyler and Josh on the far end of each of their families, meaning they were as far away from each other as they could be. Tyler didn’t really intend for this, but it didn’t really matter either. He and Josh weren’t friends, and although their parents wanted them to be, they would be disappointed when school started. Because Josh would hang out with a group of friends, and Tyler would stay on the sideline as usual. It was just the way it was supposed to be. Sadly Josh also seemed to live under the illusion that he and Tyler would be friends, because he didn’t know any better.  
“I’ll see you in school, Tyler!” Josh waved from his car and Tyler waited until his family had gotten into theirs.  
“See you.” he said quieter, hoping Josh would hear anyway, and hopped into the backseat. 

Then they went home and had breakfast, talking about different things. Tyler was done quickly and then went up onto his room, quietly plucking the strings of the ukulele.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the end! That was a short one, sorry. I made so much research though?? Because I have no clue how a church service goes down and who leads it and whatnot aha...
> 
> I'm pretty excited about this story and I made lots of plans yesterday after putting the first part up! It might feel like the story will take a sudden turn in plot or whatever which I'm sorry for and I'm thinking about how I can make it gradual and fitting. It's gonna make sense when you read it, hopefully!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this, nonetheless! Bye lovely doves! 
> 
> (also I'm more used to posting things on Wattpad which isn't a good platform for fanfiction really, but what shocked me the most is that I got one hunDRED HITS IN ONE DAY??? WHere are you all coming from??? Thank you!!)


	3. "Josh is a Mean Girl."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh's first day of school, it's pretty much what he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one, yo. I'm compromising for yesterday. I'm going to try and softly turn this into multi-bandom, but I will stretch it out until it almost gets annoying, hopefully. 
> 
> See yall at the end!

Josh stuffed the last piece of bread into his mouth and downed his orange juice. Truly it wasn't a good mix, but he couldn't seem to care. His parents had wonderous expressions on their faces and his father sighed audibly when Josh stood up from his seat.  
“Joshua, where are your manners?” he asked seriously and Josh swallowed hard, feeling a twist in his stomach. He didn’t mean to stress, but he had to.  
“Can’t you sit with us for a bit longer? Or at least finish your food like a proper person?” his mother asked with a pleading voice and Josh started regretting his actions, but it would be more embarrassing if he did as told.  
“Sorry, but I don’t want to be late.” he excused. He wasn’t going to be late, actually.  
“You won’t start until half an hour from now!” his father argued and Josh felt his entire body go cold and he closed his eyes. He didn’t like when his dad became angry, so he sat down again. 

It was completely unnecessary, because now they’d just finish the breakfast in an awkward silence. It would be the same if Josh wasn’t there anyway, so why did he have to stay? His parents didn’t seem to particularly enjoy his company. Actually, they were sort of unhappy with a lot of things he did. And still they wanted him to be around. Josh’s leg bounced under the table as he glanced at the clock every two seconds, wishing time could move faster so they’d let him leave. In his head he could hear the kick drum sound with every time his heel touched the ground, and it was moving faster and faster until it was almost constant.  
“Damn it, Joshua.” his father growled and Josh twitched and instantly stopped the leg bouncing.  
“I’m sorry, sir.” he apologized and stared down at the table.  
“Ah, rush off then.” his mother said softly and Josh looked up at her with immensive gratitude as he was out of the dining hall within seconds and in the hallway. 

Josh could hear his parents muttering to each other about him through the earbuds because he didn’t have any music on yet. Because he shared his Spotify with his siblings he couldn’t listen to what he wanted unless he made a pact with them about not telling their parents and he didn’t have time for that right now, so he put Ashley’s playlist on shuffle. Sure it was boybands and former Disney stars who somehow got on the radio, but at least it was something. 

Quickly hopping onto his bike and getting out on the street, Josh was soon on his very hasty way to the school. His heart was about to beat out of his chest, because truly he did not want to go there. He just wanted go out into the woods and stay there until he had to go home, or forever. He didn’t want to meet all those new people and he didn’t want the teachers to look at him that way that teachers do. That’s why it was so relieving to know that Tyler went there, even though they didn’t know each other. Speaking of Tyler, Josh had thought a lot about him. He seemed shy and completely lost a lot of the time, like he was always thinking very deeply. Really, the only picture he had of Tyler was that he is willing to run out into the woods at night and that he goes to church. What happened that night didn’t really bother him, it was obvious Tyler had had a panic attack. Josh got those too, so he knew. If he dared, he’d probably also run out into the woods. Though, he did do that…

Before he knew it he was parking his bike by everyone else’s, hoping that was the correct place for students to park their bikes. What if they had different places to park their bikes at this school? Like freshmen and juniors and everything…? Josh decided to not do anything about that now and hope for the best, then went inside the big doors. 

He was very early, so there weren’t a lot of students in the hallways yet. Right in the middle of the large entrance was a post with signs pointing in different directions. Library, dining hall, auditorium. Josh was going to the last one, so he followed that arrow down the corridor to the left. Pretty soon he started hearing chatting down the hallway and got nervous. He could soon see that kids were waiting outside, meaning the doors hadn’t opened yet. Josh stopped in his tracks and quickly turned around. He didn’t want to awkwardly stand there with all those strangers, and he even less wanted to talk to any of them. It wasn’t like he didn’t like other people or anything, he was just afraid they wouldn’t like him. There was always a risk of that, at his last school he hadn’t had that many friends and later on it turned out they didn’t actually want him around, so Josh was just cautious with people. He didn’t want to seem needy or anything like that. 

After a while of pacing around, Josh found some bathrooms. Quickly he checked the time and then locked himself in. If he could wait eight minutes in there, and then go to the auditorium, he would be fine. By then the doors should be open as it was two minutes left for the whole introduction and everything to start. Then he didn’t have to stand around strangers, and he wouldn’t be late. If he could just wait in the bathroom. Josh wondered if other teenagers did things like this too. 

Exactly eight minutes later, Josh exited the bathrooms and once more his way over to the auditorium door. Now they were open and students were now and again flooding in. Quickly he joined them all and walked into a big room reminding him of a cinema. The floor was sloped down and there were chairs along the whole floor and at the bottom there was a small stage in front of a red brick wall. Students were spread out in the seats in their friend groups, and once more Josh felt anxious. Where was he supposed to sit? Because he wasn’t a freshman he hadn’t gone to orientation, so he didn’t know anyone. Even if he did find Tyler, wouldn’t he seem really needy if he sat by him? Tyler was so quiet, it was hard to tell if he enjoyed Josh’s company or not. 

After a while of just standing in the staircase, Josh decided to walk into a row that had a reasonable amount of people, and just sit down three seats away from the first person in it, putting his bag in the seat to his left so it separated them further. He didn’t want to seem rude by sitting very far away, but he still didn’t want to seem creepy by sitting too close, and his bag was a barrier. He also chose a row that wasn’t full because then he’d seem desperate for them to notice him and they’d all wonder who he was, but if he sat in a row with no people he’d seem like a shy loser. So average amount of people, three seats away and a bag between. Josh's attempts at persuading himself that everyone thought of social events this deeply were getting harder to believe. 

Josh looked around the entire time before the introduction started. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was looking for Tyler. He just wanted to know if he was already here or not, really. Suddenly he caught those familiar eyes off-guard by the entrance. Instantly Josh turned forward and cursed himself for it. Why did they have to make eye contact in that fragment of a second? Josh prayed Tyler hadn’t recognized him, because if he had, he’d feel obligated to sit next to him. It was bad enough that he had said that thing about knowing someone so his mother wouldn’t worry, twice, because that probably just made him seem really needy. And then his parents said it too, Tyler must feel so pressured. 

Soon enough the doomed moment came and Josh looked up when Tyler sat down next to him. His face was neutral as usual until Josh spoke.  
“Salutations.” Josh said and then wondered why he would say that.  
“Um, good morning.” Why, Josh, why do you even speak out loud? Tyler looked like he snapped out of something and then reached into his backpack on the floor, digging around for a bit, then straightening himself. “Here, I brought this.” he said and held out the red umbrella Josh had borrowed him.  
“Oh yeah, thanks.” Josh smiled and took it, leaning it against his seat on his left. 

Before they could speak anymore a person was standing down on the stage and cleared her throat in the mic. The lights went down and Josh looked up at them.  
“They put in money for this, apparently.” he said quietly.  
“Yeah, you wouldn’t expect special effects for a school auditorium.” Tyler joked.  
“It’s like a cinema.” they said at the same time and looked at each other quickly.  
“Jinx.” Josh said instantly and Tyler raised an eyebrow, making Josh instantly regret saying it. “Sorry, it’s a habit.” he muttered, but Tyler still didn’t say anything. “Oh, right. Tyler.” he smiled and Tyler snorted quietly, turning away to hide his grin. Josh felt his heart beat faster. So Tyler didn’t hate him completely. 

The introduction started and went on, the principal introduced herself and spoke for ages about the school and it’s history and tried to throw in some lame puns now and then which it took people a few seconds to awkwardly laugh to. Really, it was rather boring, but Josh didn’t dare to strike up a whisper conversation because first of all they were actually supposed to be quiet, and then he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep up a conversation with Tyler for however long the principal’s speech would go on. Still, he didn’t want to sit in complete silence, so he moved his head ever so slightly in Tyler’s direction.  
“You must have heard this three times now, I’m guessing?” he whispered.  
“Yeah, she’s almost done.” Tyler confirmed with a lazy nod. That was good, then maybe Josh could keep talking the last minutes.  
“What classes do you have today?” he asked and Tyler glanced at Josh before bending down and digging through his bag, soon returning back up with a paper. 

Tyler skimmed through before giving it to Josh so he could check himself. Josh had memorized his own minutes after getting it, so he could quickly recognize the ones Tyler had as some of his own. They had none together today, but they had lunch together, which felt calming. Then for the rest of the week they shared a few classes. To Josh’s great joy they had music together on Friday, and he was already looking forward to it.  
“Why are you smiling?” Tyler asked and Josh instantly stopped doing that, not realizing he had.  
“Um, nothing.” he excused and gave Tyler the paper back. “Or well actually,” he started Tyler put it back in his bag and then sat back up and met Josh’s eyes for him to speak. “we have music together on Friday.” he shrugged to make it as casual as possible. Tyler looked confused for a second before lighting up.  
“Oh yeah, you play drums.” he remembered out loud.  
“And you play piano and ukulele.” Josh returned.  
“I’m new at ukulele, I’m not that good at it.” he looked away and Josh frowned a little.  
“What? I’m sure you’re good.” he insisted, but then wished he hadn’t when Tyler looked at him in wonder. “I mean, I don’t think I’m that good at drums, but we’ll make it work. Or- or well, I’ll make it work. And you’ll make it work.” he stammered, trying his very best to make himself understandable while not sounding like a creep.  
“Sure.” Tyler said innocently and Josh cursed himself again. 

The whole shebang ended finally and students started swarming to get out of the auditorium, but both Josh and Tyler seemed to have the same “stay-until-everyone’s-out-so-I-don’t-need-to-rush”-mentality, and got out last. They walked in silence and went separate ways when they got out into the hallway, because apparently their classes were on like opposite sides of the school. Josh had asked Tyler for directions to his classroom, and that was that. It sucked that they weren’t in the same class because now Josh might have to do the same thing over where he hides away until the last minute to go inside. And then he had to choose a seat that was good. What if it was like that scene in Mean Girls where Cady walks in and every seat has a problem with it? Josh had watched Mean Girls with Ashley a number of times, so he would know what that felt like. 

When he got to the classroom which he believed was the right one, and after checking a number of times between his schedule and the number on the door he could confirm that it was, he was relieved to see that the door was open, so he quickly got inside after plugging in his earbuds, even though he didn’t have any music on. At first no one seemed to notice, but when he made his way through the desks everyone he walked past looked at him. Josh sat down at the desk at the left back corner of the classroom and pretended to look at his phone. Really he was just flipping back and forth between the pages and hoping he didn’t look like he was sweating, because he was. Would people stop looking at him?  
“Good morning class! Had a good summer?” a call suddenly came and a man entered the classroom, dropping a bag by the desk at the front and clapping his hands together as he looked around.  
“Yes…” some students muttered.  
“And you’re all super excited to get back to school?” he continued with a smirk.  
“No…” everyone groaned and the teacher laughed evilly. Josh almost laughed too, this teacher seemed kind of fun.  
“We have a new student with us today, Joshua Dun, is that correct?” he asked and Josh shot up, pulling out an earbud, even though he didn’t have to. Everyone once more turned to him and Josh felt his stomach twist and tried not to look at anyone.  
“Um, yes, sir.” he confirmed quietly and cleared his throat. Some students muttered and Josh regretted using such formal speech. People didn’t really do that, did they?  
“Mr. Grzeskiewicz is fine.” he smiled and the class chuckled a bit to themselves, and Josh felt himself panic a bit. He didn’t want to say that he wouldn’t be able to remember that, but he had already forgotten it moments later.  
“I’m just messing with you kiddo, call me Mr. G.” the teacher grinned and Josh smiled to himself, more from relief than amusement. 

Josh relaxed a bit and leaned against his elbows on the desk as roll call went around. He didn’t have to say here because Mr. G already knew he was there. Then he listened as his teacher started up with the lesson. It wasn’t that he had expected the classes to be completely silent or anything, but there were two guys who wouldn’t stop talking. Josh tried not to be bothered, but suddenly he realized he had written down the phrases “Octopi have beaks, man.” and “What the actual fuck is an axolotl?” where there should be notes about history. Mr. G turned around with a sigh and the two boys quickly shut up, but Mr. G spread his arms hopelessly.  
“I’m just trying to do my job here, Brendon. Don’t repeat last year.” he asked and the kid named Brendon scoffed.  
“What? Dallon talks too!” he argued and the tall kid next to Brendon looked offended.  
“Yeah but we both know Mr. Weekes would be quiet if you weren’t here.” Mr. G shrugged and Brendon groaned quietly, making his friend laugh and then earn a slap to the stomach. 

Josh realized Dallon Weekes was now the only person he knew both first and last name of at this school, aside from himself. He didn’t know Tyler’s last name, even though it probably came up in conversation between their parents when they were at church the other day. Josh hadn’t taken too much part in that conversation, he had just looked at Tyler, because Tyler looked like he wanted to be literally anywhere else in the world. That’s why Josh made a bold move and had them sneak out. He wouldn’t usually do something like that, but then again, he wouldn’t usually follow a stranger out into the woods at night either. 

The class ended and Josh gathered up his things slowly, meaning once more to get out of the classroom last so he wouldn’t be in the middle of the big rush. Before he could exit, he was stopped by his teacher.  
“Josh,- is Josh okay?” Mr. G asked and Josh nodded. “Right, I was just wondering when you moved here? We usually don’t get new students in years after freshmen.” he asked curiously while packing together his things into his bookbag.  
“In May, we moved from Columbus.” Josh explained with a smile as he corrected his own backpack on his shoulder.  
“Okay. Have you changed schools before?” Mr. G continued. This was a bit different question, but he sounded casual.  
“No, I went to Downtown Columbus before this.” Josh answered. The only other school transitions he had made were between elementary school, middle school and high school, and he had always had most of the people he knew with him then.  
“So I’m guessing you don’t really know anyone?” Mr. G asked and Josh realized that this was probably the point his teacher had been trying to get to. Josh thought he’d mention Tyler, but thought twice.  
“Um, well...I know who some are.” he answered. “But it’s not like I have any friends yet, you know. But I’m sure I will.”  
“Surely, you seem like a good kid. Pardon my interrogation, I’m just curious about my students. I get higher wage if I seem real’ interested in your lives.” Mr. G said and Josh laughed as well as him. “Off you go, kiddo.” 

Josh waved quickly before leaving the classroom and digging up his schedule from his bag as he walked. Because of the long introduction, they had only managed one class and now had lunch. Josh’s stomach turned a bit, this had been the most stressful part of the day at his last school. If he sat with people, they usually didn’t talk to him and he just felt like a leech, stealing the comfort of not being alone. A lot of the time he sat alone and that was even worse, not because people would stare, but because they’d pretend he didn’t exist. So the majority of his lunches, Josh had spent hidden away or outside. Once again he felt a bit like Cady Heron. Josh wished he hadn’t watched Mean Girls so many times. 

Josh tried to gather up enough courage to at least peek into the cafeteria, and saw a clear bias. Clear groups of kids were seated around at the tables. Along the walls were long tables with a lot of chairs, and then in the middle there were round tables with just enough for an average group of friends, really. Josh could easily pinpoint different statuses of the people by what tables they were. On the long tables were mostly freshmen, teachers and groups of guys whom Josh guessed were in sports teams by their behavior and numbers. At one of the big tables were also only two people closest to the window, and then one single kid at the end of it. Josh felt like that kid. The round tables were where real squads were seated. Even if there was a chair or two available, it was obvious that only people who had known those people for five years could sit there. Just by looking at them, Josh felt frozen out. Really, the atmosphere was intimidating.

Of course Josh could sit with some teachers, as they all seemed to clump together at one table. He could be pretty mature and hold a conversation with only adults, but not only was it definitely social suicide but also he didn’t want to. Josh had noticed some bathrooms right before the entrance, if he was sneaky he could go there. Josh sighed and decided for that, and spent his lunch in a bathroom. He was Cady Heron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the end, buddy. You outdid yourself this time, long chapters are tough! Well done.
> 
> So that was new. I don't want to like explain everything because I want people to have a nice reading experience figuring things out but I just want to say that writing slight social anxiety was easier than I thought...
> 
> Thank you for 200 hits everybody, I'm so overwhelmed and feel like there's so much pressure aaa


	4. "Earbuds."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The afternoon of Josh's first day. He meets a weird hippie teacher and a nice girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo I'm back at it with another sorta short chapter. I've been updating every day so far and I'm trying to stop myself like 'no wait until you have 400 hits' or like 'nooo wait so the suspense grows a bit' not that there's a lot of that yet but I want the story to like shoot away! Like I have so many plans so it's not even beginning and stuff. So I'll keep updating frantically until I feel like cliffhangers and stuff are a good idea ahah...
> 
> See you at the end!

Josh sat a moment in the bathroom stall after he was done eating just to see that no one was outside, and then quietly packed his lunch box down into his backpack and left the restrooms hurriedly to get out of there as fast as possible. The bathrooms at this school were cleaner than the ones at his last school, which was felt pretty good, considering he had spent a number of lunches in those as well, and was probably going to spend more in this one as well. Josh sighed. 

According to his schedule he had a twenty minute break before his next class, which was math. Curse this school for having math on the first day, that’s not a very pleasant welcome. Josh figured he’d just wait outside the classroom that break, he didn’t really have anything to do anyway. But on his way there he had to walk through a lounge-like area on the second floor apparently. It was a big, open floor right by the library with a pool table and round tables where students were playing cards or just simultaneously flipping through their phones. Even if that didn’t look very fun, Josh wish he could do the same. Or even play cards, he knew a few games and was actually pretty good at bullshit, as Josh was a surprisingly good liar. But he didn’t ask to sit down anywhere, he didn’t play any card games. He kept going with his earbuds in without music, just because people payed less attention to you if you looked unapproachable. Josh wondered if maybe he’d already have some people to hang out with if he didn’t always do that. Then maybe people would have talked to him after his first class. Although, Mr. G had also had him stick around. Josh simply wasn’t made to have any friends right now. 

Josh had decided to stand up instead of sit on the bench outside the classroom so that when the other students in that class came along they could sit there instead. If he had sat, nothing good could have come out of it. Either no one would want to sit there and he’d just feel awful for taking up so much space, or some would sit and pretend he wasn’t there, which also wasn’t that nice. The chances of someone politely asking to sit down and maybe start a conversation with him was very small, because he still had his earbuds in. So he stood up. 

When other students did come along, his plan played through. They sat down and Josh pretended he didn’t exist along with them. He did however recognize Brendon from his history class. Brendon who had talked about ocean creatures with his friend Dallon Weekes, who was usually a better student when Brendon wasn’t around. Josh had seen this before, it happened all the time at his last school. Now even though Brendon didn’t have Dallon with him, Josh also had a memory of math classes being the loudest. If Mr. G hadn’t been kidding about Brendon being rowdy all of last year, Josh felt he was in for a long math class. He didn’t want to say he disliked Brendon, being bad in classes didn’t mean you were a bad person, but Josh did have a bad feeling about him. Now Brendon was rambling on without any sign of stopping to a blonde who was listening with a smirk on her face as if she was holding back a few sarcastic comments. Josh was rooting for her to knock Brendon down with something witty to say. 

When the teacher came Josh got surprised. He was a very tall man, but he was slouching a bit. His hair was in long, dark dreadlocks and he had a very large sweater, though he looked very skinny. As he walked past Josh caught a whiff of a pretty...unique smell. He let the students into the classroom and Josh took a seat in the left back of the classroom. Brendon and the blonde he had been talking to sat in the same row as himself, and Josh prayed it wouldn’t get as loud as he expected.  
“Good afternoon, class. Although it isn’t afternoon, as time is a made-up concept…” the teacher sort of sang in his speech and Josh furrowed his eyebrows. Who even was this person? “My name is Jonathan Stone, and-”  
“Jonathan Stoner…” Josh heard Brendon mutter a seat away followed by the class’s muffled giggling. Josh couldn’t help but smile a bit as well, but did it more discreetly. The teacher cast him a glance but didn’t say anything. 

“There is a new soul among us today, his youth has filled the room with it’s innocent presence…” Mr. Stone continued in his soft tone and Josh felt the entire class turn to him for the second time today, but it was worse this time because they were chuckling to themselves. Josh didn’t want to be the innocent youthful soul right now.  
“What is your birthname?” the teacher asked and Josh had to think for a bit. Was there a difference between his name and his birthname?  
“Um, Joshua Dun...I think. Josh is fine.” he said quietly and Mr. Stone looked like he was hearing some sort of sweet music, making Josh a bit uncomfortable.  
“Hm, Joshua. Yahweh is salvation. And the name Dun suits you, as you have dark hair. But Joshua, your birthname is not your real name.” Mr. Stone informed and Josh swallowed.  
“It-it’s not?” he felt like the weight of everyone’s eyes was smothering him.  
“No, you see-”  
“Alrighty Mr. Stone! I’m sure new kid doesn’t particularly want to hear about how the universe has spirit names for everyone right now!” Brendon suddenly exclaimed, making Josh jump a bit in his seat. Still, he was grateful, even though he got called ‘new kid’ despite Brendon probably knowing his name by now. 

Mr. Stone glared at Brendon, who was confidently leaning back in his seat and staring right back until the teacher looked away and paced in front of the classroom.  
“We will start with solving a few problems in pairs. Get to know the person next to you anew after the summer, realize through the universal language of math that you two are both-...” Josh didn’t hear the rest before the blonde in the bench next to him had scooted her desk closer to his while Mr. Stone was writing the problems on the whiteboard. 

“Hi, new kid. I’m Jenna.” she smiled softly and Josh realized the difference in her face between speaking to Brendon and what she looked like now. Then she looked like she was ready to slap him in the face, while now she looked like she was looking at a basket of kittens. Wow, how manly, Josh thought to himself about comparing himself to a basket of kittens.  
“Josh.” he answered and Jenna nodded. “Oh, yeah, you knew that…” he muttered and looked down.  
“Yes.” Jenna giggled a little and wrote down their names on the paper in front of her. Josh noticed that she had a very swirly handwriting, which made his name look pretty nice. “Sorry about Mr. Stoner, the trippiest math teacher of all time.” Josh caught that Jenna called him that nickname too. So she was a friend of Brendon’s. Maybe girlfriend? He didn’t dare to make any assumptions.  
“It’s fine, I was a bit confused though.” he smiled and Jenna nodded.  
“I’m not even kidding that on the first day, when we all were freshmen, he just introduced with ‘You have to know you soul before doing calculus…’. Brendon laughed the entire class.” Jenna told and Josh nodded. “Brendon’s the asshole over there.” Jenna continued, nodding in the direction behind her while writing frantically on the paper.  
“Yeah, I know. He’s quite…” Josh tried to find a word, he wasn’t sure how honest he could be, it depended what Jenna thought of him.  
“The asshole, yes. He’s better outside of school, really. He just has a bit of a tough time with focusing.” Jenna explained and raised her eyebrows to express her seriousness. 

Suddenly Jenna leaned back in her seat and Josh looked down at the paper. It was filled with long, neat equations and he couldn’t help but stare at it, then look up at Jenna in wonder.  
“I’m a bit of a nerd.” she confessed with a shrug.  
“Please help me with everything in math, ever.” Josh blurted in the middle of his impressive state, but instantly went cold and regretted saying that and repeatedly cursed himself while blushing, but Jenna snorted a quiet laugh.  
“Sure thing, new kid.” she nodded. 

Josh had a light mood for the rest of the day, even though he continued wearing his earbuds without music and never spoke to anyone. He couldn’t consider Jenna a friend exactly, she had just happened to be a nice person. She also knew Brendon, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be in that circle of friends. Considering all the things he had heard and noticed about Brendon, he was some sort of trouble, and Josh knew that his parents wouldn’t be happy with that. Once Ashley took home a boyfriend, obviously it wasn’t a particularly serious relationship, but his parents had been so angry at Ashley they made her break up with him instantly because they didn’t like him and he didn’t go to church. Or well, his father had been most angry, his mom was just disappointed and was nodding in the background. Josh had felt really bad for his little sister, and he didn’t want to go through anything similar with his friends. Another reason getting friends was hard for Josh, by the way. 

After one more class, Josh was free to go home. Lots of students were rushing around the bikes and cars in the parking lot. Josh wish he had a car sometimes, but he didn’t really need one. He liked taking his bike, anyway. Especially when it was sunny and warm a day like this one. 

“I’m home.” he said as he entered the hallway.  
“Ah, how was your first day, Joshua?” his mother asked from the kitchen and Josh kicked off his shoes.  
“Pretty good, I guess.” he answered and walked in to join her.  
“Did you meet Tyler Joseph?” his mother asked and Josh took a second before realizing what Tyler she was talking about and also remembering that he hadn’t known his last name until now.  
“Um, yeah. But we didn’t have any classes together.” Josh shrugged.  
“Oh, well did you meet anyone else nice?” she continued absent-mindedly while doing the dishes. Josh figured he could mention Jenna, but then his mother would just ask about her forever and if they didn’t become friends he’d just feel guilty.  
“I guess.” he answered and his mother looked back at him slightly sternly.  
“Joshua, stop saying ‘I guess’. It sounds so informal.” she begged and Josh looked down.  
“Sorry.” he apologized and then left the kitchen to go to his room. 

Josh had a simple room, just a bed, a desk and a wardrobe. In his window stood his little cactus. All of his siblings had gotten to pick one each from the flowershop. His sisters had fought over the only one with a flower and Jordan had gotten the biggest one, even though it wasn’t taller than five inches. Josh had gotten the one with the longest spikes, which were as long as the cactus itself. He found it interesting, because it looked like it really didn’t want to be touched, reminding him of his own shyness. It was a bit poetic, yes, but he took good care of it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo that was that, welcome to the end! I'm trying so hard not to introduce new characters all the time but it's hard because I love them(I'm having fun creating teachers aaa). Josh is a small squish who wants friends but sort of not. Next chapter will probably be Tyler's POV again, we'll see if I can get back into writing his personality now hehe...I'm also gonna slow down with the plot a little, maybe ;-)
> 
> Thank you for reading, lovely! Leave some feedback if you wanna!


	5. "Dodgeball."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PE class is casual but kind of boring, and there was an attempt at making cliché dodgeball not-so-cliché.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scree I'm a bit late(or whatever it's not like I have a schedule), but this chapter took a bit of time because I've been a bit busy and I also stumbled upon a taste of writing block/lack of motivation/whatever, but here it is! Don't be scared, I'm not bailing just yet ahah
> 
> See you at the end!

Who’s bright idea was it to have PE as first class? No one’s even woken up, how can you expect teenagers to be ready for physical education? Tyler cursed this new schedule for it. Really, he was mad that the schedule had PE in it at all, as he hated it. Some things were fun, orienteering for example. But as their teacher was a former basketball player and also so conveniently Tyler’s former coach, classes were rarely enjoyable. 

Tyler had been good at basketball, in that there was no doubt whatsoever. He hadn’t disliked basketball in itself either, he actually liked it a lot, it was just the expectations from his parents, but also his coach, that ruined it for him. His parents looked disappointed with him whenever basketball came up in conversation. Mr. Forsberg looked disappointed with him all the time, because basketball was all that he knew him for. Tyler was disappointed in Tyler for lots of things, so it didn’t particularly matter. 

With a sigh he slipped on his shoes and swung his backpack as well as his small gym bag on his back. He was absent-minded as usual and didn’t notice his little brother coming into the hallway before he spoke.  
“I’m guessing your coach is still breathing down your neck?” Zack asked and Tyler jumped a little bit.  
“He’s not my coach.” Tyler corrected grumpily. “And probably.”  
“Why’d you stop playing anyway?” Zack followed him out and Tyler locked the door and left the key in the pot of the hydrangea by the door as usual and ignored his brother. If he could get to is bike, he could race away from that question. “Tyler?” Zack followed up but Tyler was soon out on the road. 

Tyler didn’t dislike Zack at all, he was a great little brother. But Tyler was in a bad mood and Zack was being all...little brotherly and annoying. Zack also walked to school because his bike was broken. Tyler didn’t really know what he was feeling about his little brother being a freshmen at the same school as himself, but for the most part he didn’t mind. 

Suddenly a person came out from a driveway on a bike in a very high speed so that Tyler quickly had to cock the handlebar to the side and almost losing balance in the process. He looked up quickly at the person who had raced out, who stopped his bike and looked back to do the same.  
“Tyler? I-I mean, good morning.” Josh stammered and Tyler felt a little bit less annoyed. Not about the bike thing, but like, in general.  
“Good morning, Josh.” Tyler answered and moved up to his side while looking at his house. It was a house about the same size as his own, two floors with a basement, probably. But it was light green instead of white. They also didn’t have a fence or anything, while Tyler’s house had a thick hedge which made it look sort of unwelcoming. “You have a pretty nice house. I didn’t know you lived on my street.” Tyler thought out loud and Josh nodded awkwardly.  
“Um, me neither. Which is your house? Or- your family’s…” he asked and flickered his eyes between the houses and the ground.  
“That one, the white one.” Tyler said and pointed three houses away.  
“Oh, cool.” Josh nodded and as there wasn’t anything else to be added to this conversation, it was a little bit awkward for a few seconds. Tyler didn’t really care, he was just thinking about how much Josh looked like he was panicking, sort of.  
“Yo, should we go?” Tyler interrupted and Josh looked up from the ground.  
“Yeah.” he smiled softly, and Tyler did the same for a quick moment before they set off for school. 

Tyler tried not to speed away from Josh with his own very fast walking speed, but Josh doing a pretty good job keeping up as well. They had parked their bikes by the entrance as usual and were now right by the gym building.  
“Um-...” Josh started before Tyler pulled the door open. Josh nodded and walked inside before continuing. “Do you know what we’re gonna do?”  
“Dodgeball!” they were interrupted by a tall, broad man coming through the door his office. Tyler sighed very deeply. “You’re the new student, I assume? Well, nothing helps you get friends faster than getting hit by a ball!” the man grinned but he did in such an unsettling way, like he was completely serious. Which he was.  
“He has a friend.” Tyler grumbled and walked off to the dressing rooms. Josh seemed to hesitate before following. 

 

There were four dressing rooms, two for the girls and two for the boys. This was so that none would be cramped if the classes crashed a little, but as Tyler had checked the PE schedule, he knew today wasn’t one of those days. That was good, because then all other guys would choose the one he wasn’t in. Or well, most, probably.  
“Our teacher seems...sort of…” Josh tried and Tyler understood why he found it hard to phrase it. Mr. Forsberg wasn’t a bad person, he was just pretty annoying to be around.  
“Like a jackass, yes.” Tyler filled in and Josh snorted a laugh, and while Tyler had been serious, he couldn’t help but laugh a little too. “He’s my former coach, so he’s always breathing down my neck.” Tyler explained and pulled a tank-top out of his bag.  
“Oh. What sport?” Josh asked behind him, standing by the lockers on the other side of the room.  
“Basketball. I played for quite a while, but I stopped last year.” Tyler explained, preparing to explain why.  
“Oh, neat.” Josh said simply, but nothing more. Tyler was a bit stumped. He knew Josh didn’t talk a lot, but he had on multiple occasions surprised Tyler with how few questions he asked compared to everyone else. No “What happened in the woods?”, “Why’d you quit basketball?”, nothing. 

Suddenly the door swung open and while Tyler was used to this and stayed calm, if maybe a bit annoyed, Josh jumped a mile into the air.  
“What’s up ladies?” Brendon grinned and slammed his bag down on the bench.  
“Ready to kick ass in dodgeball?” While Dallon was quieter, he was equally annoying. Josh smiled a little, though. Tyler wasn’t sure if he was being polite or actually found the two lunatics amusing. He hoped for the former. Oh please, please let it be the former.  
“You any good, new kid?” Brendon’s confidence was unnecessary and Tyler had always found it bothering how he could just swing his shirt off as if it was nothing.  
“Um, er...I don’t...I don’t really know.” Josh shrugged and kept his gaze on the ground. Tyler cursed Brendon again, stop making his friend uncomfortable.  
“Yo, watch your back, kid.” Dallon winked.  
“We’re the same age, Dallon. You can’t call people ‘kid’.” Tyler corrected, trying to smile sarcastically a little, making them both laugh.  
“Salty as always, Ty.” Brendon shrugged. 

Tyler walked out of the dressing room and waited outside for Josh who joined him shortly and they went through the hallway toward the gym.  
“Those guys are sort of...interesting.” Josh chuckled and Tyler sighed, but couldn’t help but smile a little too.  
“You could say that. I’ve known Brendon Urie since kindergarten, he’s always been hyperactive. When he isn’t high, that is. He likes pushing people’s buttons.” Tyler explained with a smirk and a sigh.  
“Oh.” Josh sounded a bit troubled and Tyler looked up, asking Josh what was up with a glance. “I didn’t know his last name. I know Dallon’s too, Weekes…” Josh thought out loud. Tyler wondered where he was going with this.  
“And yours is Dun. And mine is Joseph. What about it?” Josh seemed to light up and shook his head.  
“Oh nothing.” he said. Tyler shrugged.

When they entered the gym, they were met by the usual teenagers either playing soccer to pass the time or sitting by the walls and wishing they were somewhere else. The teacher hadn’t joined them yet. Tyler looked around for a bit before seeing a tall blonde stand by the wall where everyone had dropped off their phones, staring down at her own screen. It was Jenna, a girl who went to his church every now and then. She looked up and smiled, like she always did.  
“Hey guys.” she greeted them and looked down at her phone quickly before locking it. “I see you’re becoming friends.”  
Tyler looked at Josh quickly and wasn’t prepared to be meeting his eyes and flicked his gaze away again. He wasn’t really sure if he and Josh were becoming friends, really. It seemed more like Tyler had accidently taken on the responsibility of not letting Josh be alone today.  
“Um, yeah.” he agreed anyway.  
“Cool. Anyway, is Mr. Forsberg still after you?” she asked, flipping her ponytail off her shoulder.  
“Yeah, I don’t think it’s gonna change. But it’s not like I care.” Tyler responded. 

“I don’t really get it.” Josh said suddenly and the two turned to him, and suddenly he seemed more tense. It was obvious he didn’t like having all eyes on him. “I-I mean...players quit sometimes, don’t they? Why’s he so...so hung up...on you?” Josh managed to get out.  
“Oh, Tyler was a star-player.” Jenna filled in with a grin and raised eyebrows for it to seem more impressive while Tyler rolled his eyes and looked away, but smiled a little too. He was sort of amused by how Jenna was more proud of that fact than himself.  
“You mean his work of art. Built by slaves. Like the pyramids under the pharaoh.” Tyler joked with a serious tone.  
“Oh, shut up! Tyler has talent. And also, that’s pharaoh’s, they took longer to build than one reign.” Jenna laughed, but the light mood was interrupted.  
“Okay, everyone run five laps!” Mr. Forsberg called as he entered the gym hall, and some groaned before obeying. 

After this, the whole assembly of students were breathing heavily and trying hard to hide it. Tyler was still in pretty good shape, but he could admit that he had lost his sense a little. Jenna looked flawless as ever, somehow, and Josh was completely zoned out and redfaced, and as it seemed, embarrassed about it. Tyler never understood why people got embarrassed about breathing heavily while and after running. Even the best athletes out there do, it’s just the body providing oxygen for the muscles.  
“Okay! So because it’s the beginning of the semester I’m going to be a little nice and we’ll just play some games this week. But next week’s orienteering!” everyone groaned once more, but Tyler felt light-spirited. He liked orienteering. Mr. Forsberg grinned evilly before walking around quickly and giving everyone either number one or two, as well as handing out the two’s a red team band. Tyler and Josh got the same team because Jenna had, thoughtful as she was, intentionally placed herself between them. Afterwards their teacher handed out the mission of placing out the colorful balls and placing them on the middle line, and after that, the teams stood on each side. 

While the members of Tyler’s PE class weren’t that close and also pretty lazy and emo, they were very competitive, especially in PE. So the team spirit that built up in team red and team white were something that would never happen outside this class and it was rather amusing. Of course there were people who played sports in their free time, many basketball players and other athletic types, and they did a good job hyping others up. 

In the first few seconds after the whistle was blown and many had rushed forward to grab a weapon, many had also already been thrown out. People were loud and the game was fast, but Tyler managed to stay in for a good ten minutes before being hit for the first time. His aim was pretty good too, so he had definitely gotten some people out on the other team. Watching from the sidelines was sort of exciting too. For some reason Brendon, who was sitting on Dallon’s shoulders, hadn’t gotten hit yet. It was a ridiculous scene, and everyone were laughing a bit at their clumsy dodges. Tyler would be lying if he said he didn’t find it funny too, but he tried to stay serious. Mr. Forsberg was just rubbing his fingers between his eyes. 

Soon enough Brendon did get hit, while Dallon stayed untouched, and joined Tyler by his side. Tyler could feel the energy coming off the other and got exhausted just by his presence.  
“Yo, your buddy the new kid is doing pretty good out there. Has he been hit yet?” Brendon asked hurriedly.  
“I don’t know. His name is Josh, by the way.” Tyler informed and Brendon glanced at him a few times.  
“Right, yeah.” he responded. Just as he said it, Josh was hit in the shoulder and came walking over. “You’re pretty good!” Brendon repeated and Josh flinched and looked up from his feet, but then smiled at the compliment.  
“Psh, not really.” Josh answered and Brendon laughed a little, punching Josh lightly in the arm. Arguing was triggering for Brendon, and he became even louder. Everyone knew this.  
“What?! I’m not kidding!” Brendon called and Josh seemed to flinch once more at his shouting.  


Brendon Urie was a bit all over tht place, and too much so for Tyler's liking. He was loud and hyperactive, but he might be a good person when he thought before speaking his mind. He and Tyler had known each other better when they were younger, but he knew him. 

After a few other games, the class finally ended and they could go shower and change. Having PE in the morning was such a weird idea. It woke the students up alright, but it made them very tired before the day had even started as well. So everyone dragged themselves into the changing rooms and because games didn’t make you that sweaty, few actually showered. It wasn’t required, anyway. Tyler switched into jeans and his t-shirt in silence, but the three others in the room were talking actively about the class, making sound-effects and everything.  
“I can’t believe you stayed in for that long!” Dallon exclaimed.  
“Me? You were the one who had someone sitting on your shoulders.” While Josh was much quieter, he was still excited.  
“Still, that last dodge before you got hit! So fucking good, like a ninja!” Brendon laughed and Tyler glanced back to see him making a pose. Tyler would grin and shake his head, but he was being put off by something.  
“Yo, you wanna sit with us at lunch later?” Dallon asked calmly. Tyler could almost see how Josh glanced at him and was then a bit stumped.  
“Sure.” he then answered. “Tyler?”

Now, Tyler could sit with those guys if he wanted. He had before, they were cool people and actually sort of funny, sometimes. It was usually Brendon, Dallon, Jenna and one more girl called Sarah. He had more or less known Brendon for a long time, and he and Jenna were fairly close, but they weren’t his friends, really. It wasn’t that hard to figure out Josh had some sort of social anxiety, or at least was very shy, which was why Tyler had so-called accidently taken on the responsibility for him, or whatever. He knew what anxiety was like like no one else, and Josh was special in some way. He had followed him out into the woods, for goodness’ sake, but they weren’t really friends yet either. 

He wasn’t jealous. 

“I’m good, thanks.” Tyler answered at last and turned around and shrugged as casually as he could. He saw Josh’s confused expression, while the other two were neutral.  
“Okay, catch you later.” Brendon smiled and waved before leaving, taking Dallon and after a second of hesitation, Josh with him. Tyler could see in his head Dallon with a shrug explaining how Tyler was sort of on the sideline of their friend group, and after a while Josh would understand it and feel bad for slowly slipping away from Tyler and hanging out with those people instead. And that would be cool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the end! So that was a bit boring and yeah, all that I said earlier. I feel like most the things I write is just filling or thinking about Brendon Urie, which is basically my real life anyway. We're back with Tyler's point of view and like I guessed, I'm somehow a little rusty with it, and honestly I still haven't quite figured out his character. Like I don't want him to be super grumpy but it's too late/early to give him his fluffy bean-personality now. Save me.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate your kudos and everything else so much! Like every time I see a mail notification I chant "archive archive archive" to myself in hopes of a comment or something. Leave a little feedback if you feel like it! Love ya!


	6. "The Family."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh hangs out with a new group of friends and Brendon sort of peptalks him into confronting Tyler about being a bit weird. Tyler plays the ukulele.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! I'm back at it again with my slightly frantic writing! As I'm writing this note I actually haven't written the chapter yet to sort of motivate myself further or something. So I guess this chapter will work out, I believe it might become a long one.
> 
> See you at the end, babes!

Josh stared down at his box of lunch. It was, as usual, some leftovers mixed with other snacks. Nothing special really, and his appetite was apparently not present as not even his mom’s crepes seemed good right now. Still, he wasn’t sure why. 

Around him at the table sat Brendon Urie and his group of friends, of which he only knew the full name of one other, which was still Dallon Weekes. These two seemed inseparable, sitting with their chairs pushed together close and sometimes talking within themselves and laughing. Josh felt rude for looking so much and making assumptions, but he couldn’t help but notice their eye-contact. He shook it off though, because they seemed oblivious. Josh shouldn’t be thinking about it anyway. Giggling softly and the two boys being ridiculous was Jenna, the tall blonde from his math and PE class. Considering the foul language and pretty inappropriate(still all in all funny) things Brendon and Dallon were joking about, she seemed very innocent and mature. Lastly was a girl he hadn’t met before called Sarah, from what he could pick up. All he knew about her was that her eyes were pretty and that she was fairly similar to Brendon, personality-wise. Josh felt very out of place, sitting with these people. 

His thoughts were interrupted when he felt a poke on his arm and turned to see Jenna looking at him.   
“Hey, are you okay, Josh? You’ve barely eaten.” she said, leaning back in seat after catching his attention.   
“Huh? Ah, I guess I wasn’t that hungry.” he replied and sat up straight instead of hunched over.   
“Then can I have a crepe? They look pretty good.” Brendon asked and smirked a little, making Josh laugh but everyone else rolled their eyes and snickered.   
“Sure.” he answered and Brendon did a quiet “Yay!” before taking from Josh’s box.   
“So what’s up?” Jenna then asked when the others had returned to their own conversation. Jenna didn’t sound like she was asking just because, she seemed to think there was actually something up.   
“Uh, nothing. Or well, I mean-” Josh tried to come up with something good and reasonable to say instead of being pointless in this exchange for once. “I was just thinking about Tyler.” 

What? No, that came out wrong. Jenna noticed, snorting but holding in a quiet laughter while Josh felt his entire face go red.   
“No, I mean...I wasn’t thinking about him.” he tried, but failed miserably and Jenna kept giggling to herself. “Just...how he’s a bit...distant?” Josh tried and Jenna looked more serious.   
“Oh. Um, yeah, he is...sort of.” she answered. She seemed confused, and Josh felt embarrassed. He had probably imagined that. 

Josh had spent a reasonable amount of time with Tyler, he knew what his personality was like, sort of. Right? Maybe he was quiet because he was a bit ashamed of what had happened it the forest, but really, Josh didn’t care. He barely remembered it, it wasn’t the first thing he thought about when he thought of Tyler or anything. Sometimes you just...run off into the woods. He was curious about Tyler was all, he wanted to get to know him. But something seemed off about him, like he was avoiding people not because he wanted, but because he had no idea what to say to them. Josh was thinking too deep again. 

“I don’t think anyone really knows Tyler Joseph.” Jenna sighed, looking like she was thinking a lot too. “We’ve asked him to hang out with us a few times and he is...different. But you’re right, he’s just sort of distant sometimes. I think he likes being alone.” Jenna shrugged and Josh felt a bit disappointed. He wanted to get to know this boy, he didn’t want him to be alone. “But I don’t know, I’ve only talked to Tyler a few times, in church mostly.”   
Josh nodded. “Yeah, okay. Just...just thinking about him.” he said and smirked a little to lighten the mood, making Jenna laugh again. 

Lunch ended and the five streamed out of the dining hall, talking among themselves. Sarah was telling some cool story about how she had made her brother jump off the garage roof with an umbrella when they were kids. It was sort of funny, but Josh couldn’t help but still feel distant. He cursed himself for it, why couldn’t he just...stop thinking about Tyler Joseph like a normal person would? He just wanted some answers, or something. Something clicked for him suddenly though and turned to Brendon, who was walking on his right, furthest out to the edge.   
“Hey Brendon, this is totally unrelated but,” he started, flickering his eyes around.   
“What’s up?” Brendon asked curiously, the air about him light as always.   
“I was talking to Jenna a bit earlier about it too, but...how come...what’s with-...what’s with Tyler Joseph?” Josh somehow managed to get out, still embarrassed to be asking something like that. But Tyler had mentioned he and Brendon had more or less known one another, right? 

Brendon looked thoughtful and a bit stumped, for the first time like he wasn’t really sure what to say. Josh panicked a bit.   
“Oh, I mean...you don’t know, maybe. Sorry.” he stammered but Brendon shook his head.   
“No, it’s fine. It’s just I’m not sure what to tell you. I get it, though. That you noticed him, and stuff.” Brendon asked and then sighed, scratching his head. “I suppose I never really knew Tyler, I mean we were sort of buddies in kindergarten and he was always a bit quiet, but then he just slipped away from everything, or whatever. He’s a cool guy, obviously. But I know his parents are a bit strict, and I’m pretty sure he’s dealing with some sort of anxiety, but so is everyone.” Brendon explained, talking quick like always, and ended with a small smile.   
Josh nodded and looked at the ground. “Just wondering a bit.”   
“It’s cool. You can always ask him yourself, you know. Instead of talking to people who don’t know him.” Brendon suggested sarcastically, but with a reassuring expression.   
“How? Or like, what do you mean?” Josh asked back.   
“Text him ‘yo wanna hang out’ and then ask him about it in person.” Brendon clarified, once more sarcastically and Josh chuckled quietly.   
“I don’t have his number, though. And he doesn’t have mine.” Josh informed and Brendon took out his phone.   
“Well I do, so text him ‘yo its josh wanna hang out’ and then do the thing.” Brendon said and Josh was hesitant about just getting someone’s number without their permission, but ended up agreeing to it. He wasn’t going to just ask Tyler about all the problems in his life, he was just...going to get to know him a little better, maybe.

…

Tyler felt like he was falling asleep at the dinner table just from having his eyes closed, but he still listened to Madison closely, somehow.   
“Dear Lord, we are thankful for this meal and for those who have provided it. Amen.” she spoke matter-of-factly, yet softly, and the entire table repeated the last part.   
“Very good, Madison.” their mother praised in a hushed tone and the two smiled warmly at each other, and then the meal begun. 

Tyler was hungry, so he started shoveling down the food without hesitation. Mostly he just wanted to get out of there so he could go up to his room and get a few minutes of playing the ukulele before his brother came there, if he did. Tyler shared a room with his little brother Zack, and although he didn’t mind, he still thought there could be perks to having his own room. Like playing ukulele, for example.   
“Tyler, how’s your school-week going so far?” his father asked suddenly after clearing his throat, and Tyler realized everyone were looking at him. He was being pretty impolite.   
“Fine, I guess.” he answered after swallowing.   
“Don’t say ‘I guess’. Just say ‘fine’, and maybe be a little polite about it.” his mother corrected and Tyler tensed up.   
“Sorry.” Tyler almost mentioned his music class tomorrow, but thought twice. He didn’t think his parents hated him playing music, but they would definitely prefer him doing something else. He couldn’t really talk about his PE teacher not being a bother yet either, that would remind them of basketball. Really, what was there to say about Tyler that wouldn’t disappoint his parents in some way? “Josh lives down the street so we’ve been going to school together in the mornings.” he said at last.   
“Oh, that’s nice. Are you two getting along?” his mother chirped and Tyler felt a bit pleased with himself over saying an appropriate thing. He was however stressed suddenly over the answer to that question. 

After all, Tyler’s prediction had turned out to be true. He didn’t mind, of course. He had, maybe, thought that he and Josh would become friends. Or well, better friends that they were and would be. Because they could still talk, it wasn’t like they were rivals or anything suddenly, even though Tyler sometimes thought of the outside world as his enemy. Either way, Josh could hang out with anyone he liked. Still, Tyler had a feeling he could understand him better, that they could...match better. Tyler, stop being jealous!  
“Damn it…!” he cursed himself under his breath and heard both his parents gasp.  
“To your room, now!” his father growled and Tyler felt his entire body sink into the ground.   
“I didn’t mean to-” he tried, but was interrupted.   
“I will not tolerate that sort of language at dinner, in front of your siblings!” his father continued and Tyler felt everyone’s eyes burn into him like actual fire before he stood up and left. 

He never swore out loud, damn wasn’t even that bad of a swear either. But he knew his parents were sensitive, and he shouldn’t have said it around his little siblings. Tyler jumped quietly up the stairs and didn’t slam the door when he went into his room, he wasn’t angry. But he was still hungry. Despite all this, he felt a bit relieved. Now he had more time to practice the ukulele. It was hidden under his bed, and Tyler swiftly pulled it out and sat up straight on his bed, plucking the strings softly. 

He had learned a few chords from his phone and listening to what sounded right, then looking it up. It was easy, much easier to remember than piano chords, actually. Carefully he drew the back of his fingers over the strings, making quiet little sounds. He did the same pattern over and over a few times, creating a melody, before daring to add the words.   
“Wise...men...say…” he sang so softly he could barely hear it himself, afraid his family would hear. They probably wouldn’t, but he wanted to make sure. He liked this song, but it changed chord with every word and he wasn’t that fast at switching yet, so it took a few too many seconds to do it.   
“But I...can’t...help…” Tyler flinched when his phone suddenly buzzed. He was almost done, so he dared to finish the song before picking up. “Falling in love...with...you.” 

It was a text message from an unknown number. Ads or something, maybe? Or someone who tried to reach his parents but had gotten the wrong number, that had happened before.   
“Hi, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?”  
Tyler stared down at the text. Someone who had texted wrong, probably. He started to write that before another message appeared in the conversation.   
“This is josh, btw”   
Tyler stopped and definitely stared at the text. How did Josh get his number, or more specifically, who gave it to him? And why was he asking that? Tyler wasn’t sure what to respond, this was pretty...straight-forward.   
“Sure, I guess” Tyler wrote but deleted the last part, remembering his mother’s words. “Sure, when?”   
“Now, I guess?” Tyler sighed. Josh said ‘I guess’ too, why was he afraid of being judged by a normal person his own age, who didn’t care if he said ‘I guess’?  
“Can’t rn, my parents are keeping me on lockdown. Saturday?” Tyler wrote, imagining his parents wouldn’t let him go right now anyway. And it was seven, even if he hadn’t done anything wrong, he’d just have to be back in like one or two hours.   
“Oh. Yeah saturday’s cool. See you tomorrow :)” Josh wrote and Tyler looked tiredly at the message before smiling a little bit to himself.   
“See you” he answered and hesitated before sending a smiley as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sort of long, sort of not, 2000 words or so. Welcome to the end, either way, you made it through nicely!  
> I ususally don't like splitting POV in the same chapters, but I just felt like it would fit, especially as I jumped two days into the future on Ty's part(Josh's was Tuesday, Ty's was Thursday, I feel like I didn't make that very clear). But I hoped you enjoyed it, I appreciate your support and feedback immensly!


	7. "Rebellion."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and his new friends play some good ol' punk rock together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not really sure how I made a scene that lasted like 45 minutes into a whole chapter but here it is. 
> 
> Ps. I'm sorry for updating slowly, I'm really not bailing! I'm just a bit busy with school and things (-;
> 
> Pps. I wrote most of this chapter on my iPad so if there are any mistakes or weird things, please let me know!
> 
> See you at the end!
> 
> Ds.

The entire day had been a drag with a two hour long math class. No one seemed excited and even though the week hadn’t been a very difficult one class-wise since school had just started, people still seemed to be sleep-deprived and longing for the weekend. Lucky for them, it was Friday and they were nearing their last class. 

In the morning they had started with their second PE class of the week. They kept going with the games, their teacher went on how games is something you should keep doing all your life. Apparently it keeps you young and is good for getting to know people. Josh had noticed he had gotten a few glances during the last remark. He didn’t mind playing games, it was more fun than...than orienteering. Then they had the long math class, and then lunch. Josh had forgotten to bring any, dumb as he was, but got to share with Dallon Weekes, ending up at their table once more. He still felt bad, he couldn’t see Tyler today anywhere in the dining hall, but he had seen him at school. Josh remembered his first day when he ate lunch in the bathroom and hoped Tyler wasn’t doing the same. 

Then they had english, it was a rather dull class as well. Dallon was the only person Josh knew in that class, and he made an interesting find that he had already been suspecting. Dallon was loud, flirtatious and outgoing. But mostly around Brendon Urie. When he was alone, he was calm and kind. It the same with Jenna and Sarah, it seemed. Jenna had been sarcastic and snappy when she talked to Brendon, but then one of the sweetest people Josh had met away from him. It was obvious Brendon Urie had extreme social energy and could hype just about anyone. But he wasn’t really a bad person, Josh didn’t think so. But he could say some interesting things. And he cursed a lot. It was too early to determine a real opinion yet. 

Lastly, it was time for their last class of the week. Music class. Josh had been looking forward to this for a while, he was nervous and didn’t want to expect too much, but he wanted to see so badly what type of musician Tyler Joseph was. But he also knew that he would be more or less forced to play drums. Apparently Brendon was a bit of an all-round person in music, or life in general. Josh didn’t doubt for a second he was a better drummer than himself, and Josh would totally make a fool of himself. So he had made sure not to mention it, but they had come onto the subject of music and he had been asked if he played anything. Josh didn’t really know if he could say he played drums, actually. But he had said so anyway. And now they wanted to see him do it. 

Josh didn’t have his own drum set, he had asked for one since he was a little kid and when they lived in Columbus he had stopped by the music store on his way home from school every day and played the drums there. He had even made his parents believe his days ended half an hour later than they actually did so that he could stay there if he didn’t excuse himself with “hanging out with a friend”. He didn’t even have anyone to hang out with if he wanted, truly. But then his parents found out about it and got really, really mad. Maybe that was why they moved to the suburbs where there aren’t any music stores…

“So I said to this guy, I wasn’t the one who took a shit on the computer, but I won’t argue against smashing the bathroom mirror.” Josh snapped out of his thoughts when the group groaned and laughed at Brendon’s claim. “Anyway, what song should we play?”  
Josh thought. He didn’t know a lot of music, definitely not any these people would be interested in, and although he did know a little, what if he was totally behind and they thought it was weird?  
“Well, I just learned-” Sarah started but was cut off.  
“What’s My Age Again!” Brendon exclaimed and was punched in the side.  
“Let me finish, dipshit!” Sarah hissed back and everyone laughed.  
Josh laughed too at how weird it sounded when they cut each other off. Sarah’s personality seemed to match Brendon’s perfectly.  
“It’s kind of fun on bass.” Dallon poked in.  
“And I could totally learn the intro on piano and stuff.” Jenna smiled brightly to Sarah’s great disappointment.  
“Not you to, you’re supposed to be on my side.” she groaned and Jenna giggled.  
“Josh, you anything of a Travis Barker?” Dallon smirked suddenly, and everyone turned to him. 

Josh felt his heartbeat go up and his whole head get cold, then rush to red. He could feel it, and he hated it. He hated blushing. He hated being cornered, but he knew they didn’t mean it. Would they laugh at him?  
“Um, I-I don’t know…” he shrugged and looked down.  
“Ah, drummer boy’s a bit shy.” Sarah teased, but the way she said it wasn’t offending.  
“Oh shut up, Sarah. I’m sure he’s good.” Jenna rolled her eyes. Josh smiled at her for a moment, then felt an arm rest on his shoulder from above.  
“We’ll make the coolest cover-band of all time.” Dallon said, grinning down at him. Dallon was so inexplicably tall. 

Still, as they walked over the schoolyard to get to the building where the music classroom was, Josh couldn’t help but wonder what Tyler would do. He wanted to stop thinking about him, but he just couldn’t. Josh wished he could invite him to playing covers with them, but he knew he couldn’t do that. It seemed this group of people he hung out with and Tyler weren’t close at all, even though Jenna and Brendon knew him a little bit. Was he overthinking it?

The music hall wasn’t like the other classrooms, it was just a big room with two keyboards and a drum set on the floor by the wall, and a few guitars and a bass hanging on the wall. It was perfect, apparently. The drum set was an electric one, though. That was a shame, Josh liked acoustic ones better. But this made sense for teaching music.

A few students were already inside, sitting on chairs they had taken from stacks by the wall. They were all sitting in groups and Josh noticed how they all looked a bit bothered with him walking in. Why were they looking at him? Oh no, why were they looking at him? They looked tired and then sighed, looking away and pretending he wasn’t there. Josh felt his stomach curl up in his chest.  
“Everyone seems happy to see me!” Brendon called and everyone sighed.  
“Brendon, shut the fuck up!” some girl snapped back and Brendon frowned. Josh realized that the reason no one were happy to see them was because Brendon was very loud and obnoxious, and he was very excited about music. Josh sighed and smiled a little.  
“Aw, you guys know you love me. Dallon! Get me a chair.” Brendon demanded, pointing at the stack of chairs.  
“Fuck off, get one yourself.” Dallon groaned. “And one for me too.”  
“Why?” Brendon asked with a smirk that said something else. 

Josh felt his heart jump and realized he shouldn’t be watching this exchange, but he was curious. He was suspecting these two were...well, some sort of...acquainted. This was something he was unused to, to say the least. Or well, there were queer people at his last school, but he had held his distance then. To be fair, he held his distance from people in general. But to be becoming friends with two guys who might be together, if his parents found out about that…

Dallon sighed, smirking back for a few seconds before bending down and whispering something in Brendon’s ear, making a wide grin spread on his face.  
“When?” he asked and Dallon leaned back, swaying off as his tall frame so gracefully allowed him to do.  
“When you least expect it.” he responded and Brendon looked flustered before going off to grab some chairs. Josh felt generally awkward and realized he had been more or less staring at this whole event when he was obviously not meant to. Stupid, stupid, he thought and twisted around. 

Of course, he couldn’t know what Dallon had promised Brendon, but just from suspicion and what he knew of their personalities, he understood why they had been whispering about it.

In his hectic, awkward movements and flustered mind he turned straight into Sarah, the dark-haired girl with the neat eye makeup and similar personality to Brendon’s. She seemed look puzzled with Josh’s confusion.  
“Woah there new kid. What’s up?” she asked in an amused, but sort of soft, tone.  
Josh shook his head. He was acting up. He was going to answer “Nothing.” and just sit down, but his mind spoke before his mouth. “Are Brendon and Dallon together?” 

Oh no. He had said it too loudly, it felt like the whole classroom went completely silent. So did Josh’s mind. It went blank within seconds while Sarah just looked at him, and after an eternity she burst into laughter.  
“Um, well…” she started, scratching her arm nervously.  
“Not really.” the dreaded voice of Dallon Weekes suddenly said and leaned his arm on Josh’s shoulder again, looking down at him with a smirk.  
“I’m up for the taking, sweet cheeks.” Brendon suddenly appeared on his other side and Josh felt like he was about to explode, there were a million things to take in. 

Was he being...was he being flirted with? No, what? What was going on? Josh could feel the blood completely drain from his face and his entire body go numb when he hectically flickered his gaze back forth between the ground and someone’s eyes. Sarah was laughing quietly at the whole scene, Dallon was smirking and looking at Brendon, who was wiggling his eyebrows and smiling genuinely. His...smile…  
“Guys, stop bullying him already! Do you have to make everyone so uncomfortable all the time…” Jenna once more came to the rescue, giving Brendon a shove.  
“It’s what I do best.” Brendon shrugged. “We’ll turn you out, kiddo.” he then whispered, looking specifically and mischievously into Josh’s eyes, who felt his face go red. Turn...turn him out?

To break the conversation, a person had suddenly appeared in front of the class. Everyone had a chair except for Josh and he felt himself panic. The teacher didn’t seem to care when she saw anyway. Josh suddenly felt a poke on his arm though and looked down. Jenna was sitting on a piano chair next to an acoustic piano Josh hadn’t noticed when he first stepped in. The seat was wide enough for the both of them, and she patted the space next to her for him to sit down. He did as advised.  
“Good afternoon, class. It’s your first music class for the semester.” she pointed out and Josh was taken aback with how little motivation was in her tone. 

Taking a better look, Josh noticed dark circles under her eyes and he didn’t doubt that if he had been closer, he would be able to see some bags under them as well. It was hard to decide her age, but she was definitely younger than she looked. Her hair was in a messy bun and her short, thin frame was in jeans and a tank-top as well as a long cardigan that looked xvery soft. She looked as if she had just woken up, complimenting it all with a cup of what looked like coffee. Josh felt a bit bad for her, she was obviously not very excited. And her students were not optimal, either. Josh could hear excited muttering from all around the room while she spoke. He guessed no one would do whatever she said.  
“So, I’m guessing you all know what you want to do. If you want to make a film, we’ll get the cameras next week so you’ll just have to plan today. And if you’re going to play some music, please don’t break the speakers.” she sighed, looking out over the students and everyone turned and laughed at Brendon Urie. Josh was not surprised.  
“If you want to make some digital music, there are computers there, there and there.” the teacher continued, pointing to some doors around the walls. There were probably small rooms with what you needed. “Off you go.” 

Then they were released and students stormed off in different directions, claiming the small rooms to make music on the computers. The teacher, which Josh did not yet know the name of, went to unlock the doors for them. Brendon and Dallon were fast out of their seats and before Josh knew it, all the instruments were plugged in. One keyboard, two electric guitars, one set of electric drums and Dallon was just plugging in the bass guitar to the amplifier. He plucked a string and Josh saw goosebumps form on his arms from the low noise filling the entire room. Dallon seemed to be feeling the same thing, smiling to himself as he tried some different patterns. 

Jenna seated herself at the keyboard, setting down a few chords and trying the different effects until she got to the original one, Grand Piano or whatever it’s called. She made a familiar tune, but it wasn’t exact and Josh couldn’t quite place it. Brendon walked over with his guitar hanging around his neck and quietly talked to her while putting his own fingers on the keys one octave higher. This time Josh recognized it as the song he had decided to play, What’s My Age Again? It was easy to recognize, and even though Josh had seen people play piano before and it was a very simple tune, he was caught up with how Brendon seemed to focused with it. It was easy for him. Josh wondered how good Tyler was at piano. 

Tyler. Where was he? Josh hadn’t had time to think about him the whole class. Had he slipped off into one of the rooms? Maybe he was good at making digital music too, or just didn’t want to be in the large room where there would be a lot of noise. 

“Josh, you up?” Dallon asked suddenly and Josh twitched back to reality. They were all more or less ready. Brendon was fixing the mic, checking the echo, it seemed. Jenna was placing her fingers on the keys without pressing them to learn the tune. Sarah and Brendon had one guitar around their shoulders each, they looked like a perfect match. The bass guitar was of course not a full-sized, so it looked small when it hung on Dallon. Josh turned his eyes to the drum set. Not acoustic, but good enough. 

He sat down. The seat was soft, a little too much so. Suddenly he realized, he had absolutely no idea how to play this song. Confusedly he glanced over at Brendon, wondering if he’d know. Didn’t someone mention him being good at it? He didn’t dare to ask.  
“Okay. Dal, you got it?” Brendon asked instead, turning to his tall...acquaintance. Dallon confirmed to the question by playing some tabs quickly. Josh was taken aback with how good he was and noticed that he barely had to move his hand to play it, his fingers were long enough.  
“Good to go.” he smiled.  
Sarah did a few cool plucks as well, it seemed like he had practiced and seemed pleased with herself. Josh was getting nervous, these people were good at their instruments. Lastly, it came down to Josh. To get it over with, he played a fill he knew.  
“Cool.” Brendon grinned. Josh felt a bit awkward, but flattered. 

Brendon followed up with talking to Sarah about how they’d split the guitar parts, and he ended up taking his guitar off. With Jenna in, they’d only need one backing guitar anyway. Josh didn’t doubt Brendon was an energetic singer, and this wouldn’t blunt that down one bit. 

Josh kept going in and out of focus, and now it was catching up to him what was going on. He was actually, for the first time in his life, playing a song with a band. By a band that he liked(more or less, he couldn’t really listen to them that much), with his friends. He had friends. He had friends who could play instruments, and he could play instruments with them. A very violent shiver ran over his body and he started smiling, a lot.  
“Okay, so let’s take this from the beginning. Jen and Sarah first, then Dal whenever. We’ll add in.” Brendon smiled. Josh had noticed the nicknames. 

Josh thought how easy this was to them, they had just claimed an instrument and were just good to go. Just like that. So simple. It was so easy to do whatever you want, wasn’t it? 

Jenna played the intro easily, a smile growing on her face when Dallon came in with bass. He leaned his head back and played without looking, Josh got a bit impressed. He was probably the person who was the best at their instrument he had ever seen, and this was an easy song. Josh remembered faintly that the hi hats had a part in the intro. He was unsure, so he just tapped them very softly. 

When Brendon started singing, Josh had another sudden realization about what was going on. It became hard to focus on drumming with his voice there. He had already taken the mic off the stand, walking back and forth. His eyes were closed, and he sang from somewhere deep in his throat, making his voice low and raw. It was unique and impressive. Josh almost missed his cue for the snare and bass drum to come in. Luckily no one seemed to care.  
“Then I turned on the TV,” Josh was quick to react this time, building up with the cymbals for the chorus. Tree hits on the snare, then go. 

Brendon’s eyes opened wide and he jumped into the air as he started the chorus, obviously having a good time. Josh was sure he would have noticed the others’ energetic response as well if he hadn’t focused so hard on his own. It was easy, somehow. He didn’t know this song by heart at all, he had no idea what he was doing. So in the beginning he was a bit quiet and basic about it, throughout the first chorus. But as the second verse rolled around, he realized that that wasn’t at all what the others’ were doing. They were smiling, laughing almost. They were doing a good job and having a good time, but still Josh was too nervous to make any move alike it. He didn’t know this song well enough. 

The second chorus was even easier. Josh was starting to realize that he was pretty good at this. If he didn’t know, he could improvise. He hit the toms a little harder, the cymbals more frequently. Finally it was easing, he started smiling. The interlude was impossible to get through quietly, he wanted to do the last chorus right away. He wanted to impress these people just as much as they had impressed him. Josh was hearing the chorus in his head beforehand, he could count the seconds between words and he could already feel in his hands exactly what he could do. The beat was fast for this song, but he could be faster if he tried. 

The last chorus got as wild as expected. Sarah swung around, careful not to trip on the wire while dancing around Brendon, who was doing something alike. Josh’s hands were already doing as he wanted, hitting every beat a few more times than it should be to fill every single fragment of a second with sound. It was satisfying, to say the least. Not having to wait until the next beat, just keeping it up all the way through. Josh didn’t really know how to explain it.

The song ended, and it took a few seconds before everyone started laughing. Josh’s face was aching from it, even. Jenna was snorting, covering her face with her hand and Sarah grinned and punched Brendon in the shoulder, who seemed to hyper to notice.  
“Josh motherfucking Dun!” he called, and Josh couldn’t care less about the language as Brendon pointed him in the face. “You are a Goddamn miracle child!”  
Josh laughed, putting his hands over his face and then brushing his hair back from it, something he had never noticed was there.  
“You are seriously good, I mean seriously good. How long have you been playing for? Who taught you?” Brendon kept going very loudly, turning around hectically as if he didn’t know what to do with himself.  
“I-I don’t know, my whole life? I taught myself, I used to go to the music store every day and practice and stuff.” Josh explained, wondering if Brendon could hear. It looked as if his blood was pumping too loudly in his ears.  
“You don’t have your own set?” Dallon poked in, stretching his arm behind him. Josh shook his head.  
“What!” Sarah gasped. Josh was a little bit confused why this was such a big matter. “Why not?” she asked. 

The thing was, Josh’s parents didn’t like that he played drums, really. He had never been allowed to, and when they found out about it they got mad. Same with listening to bands like Blink-182. Although, he knew it wouldn’t really be cool if he told them this. Made him seem like a real...a real rule-follower, or whatever the opposite of these people were.  
“I can’t afford one.” Josh excused. That was totally true by the way.  
“Well, I know what I’m gonna get you for Christmas!” Brendon smiled. Josh hoped he was joking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, there you go! Welcome to the end, fren. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I've always found it really hard to write how a song is played or whatever, but I hope it all made sense. Even if it didn't, that sort of adds to it, I think! 
> 
> Thank you for reading<3 leave some feedback if you want, I appreciate it all!


	8. "Ham and Preservative."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler has a terrible night's sleep and then hangs out with Josh Dun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got so long! I'm not great at writing people hanging out because I don't want to fill the entire chapter with dialogue, but I think it'll do! 
> 
> See you at the end, babes!

Tyler wasn’t sure how long he had been laying in his bed, rolling back and forth in frustration of not being able to fall back asleep. It was 4AM and he had woken up wide awake suddenly. This happened sometimes, he just woke up a few hours before he was supposed to for no reason. His room was dark and it was quiet, except for the soft breathing of Zack on the other side of the room. 

Tyler and Zack had been sharing a room since Zack was born because the house only had four bedrooms. One for their parents, one for Jay and Madison each, and Tyler and Zack together because they were about the same age. Tyler didn’t really mind, he got along well with Zack. If Zack wanted to bring in friends, Tyler would usually hang out somewhere else. It had been a long time since he brought someone in himself. Years, really. And just because he was hanging out with Josh today, it didn’t mean that would change. 

At last Tyler got tired of laying around and, as quietly as he could, stood up from his bed. He could go for a run, that’s what he usually did when he got bored. This happened quite frequently, too. So Tyler put on sweatpants and a hoodie, it was probably cold outside. It was September, after all.

His guess was correct, the cold morning air hit Tyler like a wall when he stepped out the door. Instantly his skin felt raw and his eyes felt heavy, but he wasn’t tired. With a sigh he closed the door as quietly as he could, and was then on his way off his house’s driveway. Streetlights lit the road which glittered of what looked like frost. Tyler always started with walking for a while instead of running right off the bat and getting out of breath before he had even gotten anywhere. The sun was hours from rising still, the sky was dark enough for a few stars to be seen. Tyler didn’t know their names, though. Wasn’t there one called the morning star? 

The birds weren’t singing yet, the air was so cold that it hurt a bit in Tyler’s throat. After pushing himself with motivation’s like ‘ten more seconds’ and ‘to that streetlight there’ over and over, he decided to stop running. He wasn’t sure for how long he had been running. Not as long as he used to be able to, though. At one point in time it seemed he could keep going without stopping, ever. That made him feel a bit like a machine, more than he already did.

Now that he was walking, Tyler could pick up more sounds. It also helped that after a while, he wasn’t breathing heavily anymore. He had been wrong, a few birds were singing. Although, Tyler had made it to a park(after a long detour), so maybe he had woken up the birds. He felt a bit warmer, but his hands were still cold. His face felt cold as well, and his ears were freezing. But it was fine, the park was pretty. The grass sparkled with dew and the sky was now a lighter shade of blue, the morning star was gone, but the sun would rise soon. Hopefully. Tyler picked up his phone, 5AM. Had he really been out for an hour? It didn’t feel that long. 

After sitting silently on a bench for a few minutes, he decided to head home. Take a shower, eat breakfast. Waste some time, then text Josh. Tyler’s opinion on Josh changed all the time. When he wasn’t with him he wanted to convince himself that they weren’t friends and that they would never be, that Josh wasn’t really that special and Tyler shouldn’t waste his or his own time. But then, whenever they talked, or even when Josh smiled and said hi to him in the hallway, Tyler felt happy. He felt like Josh was somehow the most special person in the world, even though he knew that was far from the truth. 

On his way home he noticed there were a lot more people out. Most were cars heading to work, but he also saw a few walking their dogs. Stubbornly he tried to jog, but his throat was aching too badly to be panting and he ended up walking anyway. He had left the door unlocked, so Tyler sneaked in as quietly as he could, everyone would still be asleep. Took off his shoes and walked quietly downstairs to where they had their shower. They had a bathroom upstairs as well, but that’s where everyone slept. He put his phone and his clothes in the laundry basket and then stepped into the shower, turning the water on. Usually he’d do this beforehand and let the water heat up, but he had forgotten. So now he stood for a minute in freezing cold water, wondering if it was real or not. He felt a bit numb, but maybe that was the cold water. Or to be fair, Tyler felt numb from time to time with what seemed like no reason. 

Tyler hated waking up early, he was glad he had gotten any sleep at all but the mornings were the worst. Before the sun rose, his mind was so loud. Forcing him to think about things he didn’t actually want or need to think about. His worth and his insignificance to the universe and the true point of happiness, how apart from his family, no one’s life would really change if he died right now. And they would get over it soon enough, he wondered if they’d really mourn him. They would think about how he’s in heaven and try to convince themselves he’s in a better place, and subconsciously they would think about moving on. Mourning was selfish, wasn’t it? It was just being sad because someone isn’t in your life anymore. Everyone says death is a sweet relief, so shouldn’t one be happy? Like with buddhism, they celebrate death in a way, right? If Tyler ever wrote a suicide note, he would write that. 

Then the water turned warm and Tyler’s mind returned to the day ahead of him and started working slower again. Not in an annoying way, just calming. He could feel his hair on his forehead and how his body was getting too warm, but he didn’t mind too much. Better than too cold. Speaking of his hair, it was getting longer again. Maybe he should cut it? Tyler’s hair was dark brown and straight, there was nothing fun about it at all, so when he cut it he usually just shaved it off and waited for it to grow long, and then do the same thing over. Josh Dun had even darker hair, but it was wavy. It was a wavy mess on his head and it was obvious he tried to have it go the way he liked, but it wouldn’t cooperate. It didn’t look stupid though. 

Tyler washed and then dried himself off, putting his towel around his waist and then going all the way up to his room, once more very quietly so he wouldn’t wake Zack. His alarm clock showed 6:12AM, and Tyler sighed. He would be very tired this afternoon no doubt about it, but maybe he’d get some more sleep tonight. Although he had a bad feeling, Tyler was still thinking.

After putting on new clothes again, he went down to the kitchen and made cereal. He ate it in silence, staring out the window from the table. The sun still wasn’t up, but it didn’t look like it would be far left. Tyler realized he didn’t actually know when the sun would be rising. Maybe around seven?After a few minutes he realized he had stopped eating and his cereal had gotten soggy, so Tyler sighed and stood up. He wasn’t hungry enough to eat it, not hungry at all actually. It all got poured out in the sink, even though his mother hated when he poured bits of food into the sink. Tyler couldn’t find it within himself to care. 

Tyler went back down into the basement and into the room in the far back. It wasn’t all too big, and more of a storage area. But that’s where Tyler had his keyboard, the one he got from his parents years ago so he could play in the church. He had done that in the beginning, but then something had gone wrong and he couldn’t do it anymore. Now he didn’t play it all that much anymore, and he only played songs he knew. A lot of Elton John, for example. He had tried writing things, poetry and such. But poetry was...it was sort of lame. A poet couldn’t get anywhere today, and when he wrote he just got so many words that it just couldn’t fit. No, writing songs wasn’t what he was supposed to do, that had proved itself to be true more than once. 

He played a few old hymns he remembered, and crossed it over with modern things that he knew. Or more modern than hymns, if that counted. He tried to make smooth transfers between all the songs, and hummed their melodies to them. 

 

A few hours later, after all of Tyler’s family had woken up, he was starting to wonder about Josh Dun. Maybe he had forgotten? Although that was sort of a painful thought, it was understandable. Tyler sat on the couch in the living room, staring at his phone on the table while Madison sat on the other end, talking about something. Tyler didn’t mind her at all, he enjoyed his siblings’ company in general. But he couldn’t focus on listening. Should he text Josh himself? For some reason, Tyler had placed Josh on a pedestal above himself. He didn’t usually do that, he usually tried to trust and keep to himself, but something about Josh just...made him seek his attention. He wanted Josh to remember. He didn’t want to text first.  
“Hey, Mads.” he interrupted his little sister and turned to her. Madison looked up, unmoved but curious. Tyler wasn’t really sure how to phrase what he was about to say, but he figured Madison wouldn’t mind. “How...how do you know, um…” Tyler couldn’t ask how one would know if a boy likes you, because he didn’t mean it like that. He just meant...generally, if a person liked you as a friend in a good way. “How would you be able to tell that a person doesn’t dislike you?” Perfect Tyler, Madison is sure to understand you now.  
Madison looked confused. “Um, what do you mean?”  
Tyler sighed. “How do you know if a person likes you? As a friend. That is, not in a romantic way. Just to know of they think about you as much as you think about them. In a platonic way. Friend...friend-way. How do I- how does one make another take interest in them?”  
Madison looked even more confused, then giggled. “You mean...how to become friends with someone?” 

That sounded a lot easier. 

“Exactly.” Tyler confirmed.  
“I would start off with answering…” Madison paused and leaned closer to the table. “Josh’s texts.” Tyler twitched and snatched his phone then walked off, hearing Madison giggle behind him. Nevermind, he hated spending time with his siblings. 

His phone had been on soundless, which explained why he hadn’t heard it. Madison must have seen the screen light up while he was babbling or something, and his little sister was clever. But she also liked talking a lot, so Tyler hoped she wouldn’t tell anyone about seeing Josh’s texts. He didn’t really know why, he just didn’t feel like being asked by his parents about it. Tyler went into his room and found that Zack wasn’t there, which was good, and sat down on his bed. Josh had texted him three times, which made Tyler a bit confused. Why three?  
“Gey”  
“Hey** !”  
“Sorry. What’s up?”  
Tyler closed his eyes and tried not to laugh. This was ridiculous. It was only a few minutes late, and Tyler decided to ignore Josh’s typo.  
“Hi. Not a lot, I woke up early. Hbu?” Tyler wrote, leaning back against the wall above his pillow.  
“Oh, how early?” Josh responded and Tyler wondered he wanted to know that, but didn’t get to respond before he got another message. “Not that it really matters.” This time Tyler waited a moment, and lo and behold. “Or it’s not like I don’t care, but it isn’t really my business and whatever.” Tyler couldn’t help but grin at how jittery Josh could be, even in text apparently. 

After a while of talking about nothing, they decided to meet up outside on their street. None of them wanted to be in their house right now, and it was a nice day out. Tyler didn’t have a room of his own and if anyone came over, they would get interviewed on a professional level and then their entire family would get invited to dinner and it would be really awkward for Josh, and Tyler guessed his situation was something alike even though he hadn’t asked. He went out from his room and into the hallway, practically walking right into his mom.  
“Woah, slow down there.” she smiled and Tyler did the same, slipping past her and to the door where his shoes stood. “Wait, where are you going?” Tyler realized he was acting a bit suspicious.  
“Um, just out.” he answered.  
“Out where?” Kelly continued, mischievously crossing her arms over her chest. Tyler didn’t manage to think before Madison leaned in from the living room across the hall.  
“To meet Josh Dun.” she smiled and threw a chip into her mouth casually. Tyler cast her a stare that could have killed her if he looked longer than three seconds.  
“Oh! Well that’s fine. It’s-”  
“So nice to see us becoming friends, yes I know. Can I go?” Tyler sighed and his mother looked a bit offended.  
“Hey, don’t inter-”  
“Madison’s eating chips before dinner.” Tyler interrupted again, even though he was literally just told not to. Luckily his mother turned around and saw Madison eat some more chips and was soon on her case. 

It was warmer outside now, the sun was out and a car just drove by on the road below the driveway. A bike leaned against the wall of his house, but Tyler figured he could get it later if he needed, Josh lived very close anyway. Which house was it, what color? Green? White? Nevermind, Tyler went closed the gate to the fence and then turned around to see Josh walking toward him from up the street. He smiled when he saw him, and Tyler tried to do the same, but couldn’t smile quite as brightly, it seemed.  
“Hi.” Josh greeted him and straightened himself a bit.  
“Hi.” Tyler echoed. “Should we just go before my mom sees you and decides to invite you in instead?” Tyler tried and Josh laughed quietly and nodded.  
“Sure. Your mom’s kinda nice, though.”  
“Depends.” 

The two walked out from the neighborhood and down to the center of the small town, while chatting quietly about things. Hanging out with Josh Dun was sort of fun, his jittery-ness didn’t seem to be able to go away, but it sort of added to his jokes when he kept stuttering to say them, Tyler thought. Still, Tyler couldn't really shake the feeling of guilt.  
“How do you like the school so far?” he asked casually. Sort of a boring conversation and Tyler wasn’t sure if he was actually curious, but he might as well.  
“It’s pretty good, kind of different from my last school. Or, the people are at least.” Josh laughed nervously. Tyler smiled a little as well.  
“I can imagine. I heard you played drums for Brendon Urie and those guys.” Tyler regretted his wording, but he didn’t bother changing anything. He knew everyone’s names and he didn’t want Josh to feel like he belonged to anyone. Still, Josh didn't seem all too troubled.  
“Yeah! What’s...What’s My Age Again?” Josh said a bit hesitantly while looking up at Tyler in wonder, quite obviously asking if he was correct. This was a bit confusing, Tyler figured Josh would know. But then again, he was a bit shy. To be fair, Tyler wasn’t really a person who would know either.  
“That sounds like fun. It’s gotta feel pretty good that you can play drums freely and all.” Tyler suggested and Josh nodded.  
“Yeah, but it’s still...still a little nerve-wrecking you know. I mean, I don’t think my parents will be mad per se, but…”  
“Yeah I get it. Why is it such a big deal anyway? They’re just instruments. I don’t even sing.” Tyler sighed and looked up at the sky.  
“Hm?” Josh looked a bit confused.  
“My parents wanted me to play piano in church but-” Tyler cut himself off, he wasn’t going to tell that story. “You know...not allowed to raise your voice unless it’s to praise Him. So, they don’t want me...to do that.” he tried and hoped that he made sense.  
“Oh, right. But do you want to?” Josh asked curiously and carelessly.  
“Huh?”

Josh met Tyler’s eyes quickly, and Tyler could tell that he was thinking about something outside religion, he was thinking like a teenager. Rebelliously. That was a bit troubling, somehow. “Do you want to sing?”  
Tyler drew his eyes away and looked at the ground, trying to force himself not to think about this question all too much. He wasn’t supposed to sing, whenever he tried he just felt guilty and was reminded about that it was wrong, except when he sang hymns. But he wasn’t very good at that. So no. “I mean, I guess not…” he shrugged. But was that true? Why was he so drawn to singing, anyway? Why was this such a problem? “Or well, maybe. I don’t know. I’m not allowed to anyway.”  
“Well, you know...I’m not really allowed to play drums.” Josh tried. This was an annoying argument, because even though it didn't make a lot of sense as their parents were probably different, he was right somehow.  
“What would I sing, do you think?” Tyler asked in a challenging tone and Josh instantly looked nervous.  
“Um, what...whatever you like, I guess. What do you listen to?” he asked.  
“I don’t listen to a lot, sometimes we get to listen to radio at home, but I don’t really like it that much. There’s a band called The Killers that I like, though.” Tyler answered and kicked away a rock with his shoe as he walked.  
Josh suddenly looked excited. “Yeah, I’ve heard them! I learned one of their songs last year, Mr. Brightside. We should play it!” he smiled brightly and kicked the same rock a bit further while Tyler raised an eyebrow, making the other instantly look hesitant. “Um, if you want to. I mean, maybe you don’t like that one. I don’t know. Nevermi-” Tyler could see all the blood drain from Josh’s face as he stuttered out his words.  
“Josh.” he cut him off. “We can play it. I’ll look up the chords and learn it on piano.” Tyler said and kicked the little rock onto someone’s lawn as Josh’s face went from white to bright red as he smiled. 

They walked down to the corner store and Tyler realized he was a bit thirsty. It was a cold day but he hadn’t really drank anything after his run except for the milk to his cereal, which he had poured out half of anyway.  
“Do you like Capri Sun?” Josh asked and Tyler looked at him for a second, wondering if he was a mind-reader.  
“Yeah. Why?” he asked quietly and Josh shrugged.  
“I’m craving it suddenly. Do you mind if I get some?” he asked and took a few steps onto the parking lot to the store.  
“No, I’ll get one too.” 

Josh picked safari and Tyler took the last orange, quietly wondering how anyone could like safari. He didn’t ask that out loud though, but followed Josh to pay for it. The cashier was a middle-aged woman who Tyler, despite having seen her here his whole life, had never read the name tag of. She smiled brightly at Josh who was first, but then she glanced at Tyler as if asking who he was. There weren’t often any new faces in their little suburb, so this was understandable.  
“Hi.” he greeted her kindly.  
“Good morning! That’ll be $1.50.” At this, Tyler pulled out the money he had in his case, luckily he had two dollars. “Hello Tyler, all well?” she asked and Tyler looked up.  
“Yep, I’m good.” he smiled. He would ask the same thing back, but he forgot and then he couldn’t be bothered. 

Tyler and Josh walked out of the store and Josh downed what seemed like more than half of the Capri Sun in one go, making Tyler laugh while also being a bit disgusted because safari was gross. Josh looked at him and burst out laughing as well, covering his mouth so he wouldn’t drool.  
“What!” he exclaimed. “I said I had a craving.”  
“That was so intense!” Tyler laughed back. “Gross, dude.”  
“It’s not gross.” Josh defended, taking a sip with a bit more class.  
“Safari is. It tastes like...ham and preservative.” This made Josh snort with laughter again, which in turn made Tyler crack up as well.  
“Ham and preservative!” Josh laughed. 

They kept walking around the center of the town while talking about casual things. It was sort of nice, Tyler was surprised with himself for not being completely socially inept considering how little time he spent with other people outside his family, and especially hanging out with anyone. Maybe Josh was feeling something like it, he had mentioned not having a lot of friends at his last school or something, right? Either way, they were soon back at their own street, but at the end of it. To their right stretched a slight slope up with all the houses of their neighbors, and to their left was somewhat of a wall of trees. In between them was a path.  
“This was where…” Josh started, peeking in curiously in the shade. It looked much brighter and welcoming now compared to last time they were here, though.  
“Yeah. Wanna go in?” Tyler asked, taking himself by surprise. He was a bit curious himself as well.  
“Okay.” Josh answered with a nod in a calm demeanor, but Tyler could tell he was a bit more excited than he let show. He didn’t want to offend Tyler probably, because of the panic attack he had there. 

The atmosphere in the forest was very different from the rest of the town, that was for sure. The birds were singing and the sun was shining through the dark green ceiling. It was an evergreen forest with almost only spruces and pines along with a few leaf trees which stuck out clearly with their now yellow leaves. Tyler could barely recognize it, the memory of the stormy, cold night faint in his mind. Instead he took in the light and fresh air as they followed the path, which was wide enough to walk next to each other on. It went through the trees in smooth turns and although Tyler didn’t know where it would come out, it didn’t really bother him. He liked wandering around.  
“It smells so nice. Like…” Josh said after a few minutes of quiet and took a deep breath.  
“Ham and preservative?” Tyler suggested and Josh laughed, making Tyler laugh as well again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, you pushed through! Well done! That was the longest one yet, I believe. I think I'm gonna continue in the same scene in the next chapter so we get some forest-y hanging out, so have that to look forward to! 
> 
> Thank you for reading, leave some feedback if you want!


	9. "Swallows and Swifts."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continued forest hang out! Having a good time in the woods! Tyler's music class location is revealed, amongst other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi! So this is insanely short and I apologize, I was going to write it longer but it's late and I wanted to finish it, and I also just wrote the last line and was like...ya that's a good finish. 
> 
> Either way, I hope you enjoy it! Hint: I finally actually start doing what I'm supposed to with this fic. 
> 
> See you at the end!

“And I’d like find the most tattooed guy in there and just go yo, what are some good albums for drumming?”

Josh had been talking about his music experiences in Columbus for a minute while Tyler listened with great interest, following him on a thin path through the trees. Golden light spread far above their heads and it was all bright and green and birds sang like a choir around them. Although he was distracted, Tyler felt a bit out of place. It felt bad to stomp down on the moss, as if he didn’t belong there at all. But it was okay with Josh, his eyes were sparkling with energy and his voice suited the forest winds and birdsong nicely, Tyler thought.  
“Why CDs? I mean, can’t you have Spotify or something?” Tyler followed up, even though he suspected the answer was something alike his own arguments. His parents didn’t want him to listen to too much music, and definitely not play or sing things that weren’t traditional. He didn’t mind particularly, he wasn’t that interested in any music. It was different for Josh, he was very interested in it, and had talent for it as well it seemed.  
“I do, but I share it with my siblings. If they tell my parents I’m listening to rebellious bands they’d skin me clean.” Josh laughed lightly, but Tyler felt sad about his answer.  
“Oh, that’s a shame. But I get it, you already know what my parents are like.”

They had been wandering around for a little while, walking next to each other where they could but otherwise Tyler a few steps behind Josh. Tyler was looking down at his feet so that he wouldn’t stumble on a rock or a root, but suddenly he walked right into Josh’s back and making them both stumble forward.  
“What?” Tyler asked, looking over Josh’s shoulder.  
“That looks sort of creepy…” Josh answered, nodding down ahead of him.  
The path they were walking started to slope slightly and due to the small, dark spruces that grew on each side they couldn’t see where it went. The ground looked a bit soggy, and Tyler thought he saw a spiderweb between the tightly intertwined branches. It was a dark contrast to the rest of the bright leaf forest. Josh and Tyler shared a glance as if asking the other whether they should go in, and Josh smiled crookedly before walking down the slightly muddy slope and in between the spruces.  
Tyler hesitated and frowned a little as he saw Josh brush the branches out of his way. He could feel the scratching on his own skin, his arms and face were bare and he was sprinting as fast as he could through the thicket. With a shiver he shook it off and followed Josh.

The needles scraped on his arms and he could feel spiderwebs wrap his hair and it felt terrible, but he figured it was worse for Josh who was in the front. But soon enough, not long at all, they pushed through the musky thicket and got out on the other side. Once again the sunlight came through and the trees stood far from each other, making an airy space with a clean forest floor. The meadow looked almost magical, and Tyler couldn’t help but be a bit stumped. He could hear the sound of a stream nearby as well, and a little wind blew far above them, sending leaves to the ground.  
“Woah…” Josh sighed and Tyler snorted in laughter, even though he was equally amazed.

Tyler went on ahead and brushed his hand over the trunks of the trees, feeling their raspy bark under his fingertips. Another pang of memory came to him where he dragged his fingernails down similar bark, sending pain through his entire arms.  
“We should build a treehouse here.” Josh suddenly suggested from behind Tyler and he turned around, seeing the other look up some of the trees with a focused expression and his hands on his hips.  
“What?” Tyler asked and Josh turned to him. He expected Josh to do what he usually did, instantly regret saying anything and stutter an excuse, but instead he pointed at one of the trunks.  
“These three, they’re practically exactly as far away from each other, so you can make a nice treehouse. And this would be like a secret treehouse place.” he smiled brightly, and Tyler was taken aback by his genuine grin. Once again his eyes were almost shining and he looked so purely happy and energetic, and something went through Tyler’s chest. Was he getting high on ham and preservative smell, maybe?  
“Maybe.” he answered and kept walking around the pretty space, and then sat down on a rock.

Tyler quickly checked the time on his phone. 12:12PM, he lifted his feet off of the ground in habit.  
“What are you doing?” Josh asked, sitting down on a rock across from him and doing the same. Tyler laughed a little.  
“Hey, you’re doing it too!” he called out.  
“Yeah, but why are we doing this?” Josh called back, looking like he was trying hard to look serious.  
“It’s 12:12, you can’t touch the ground with your feet when the clock’s the same number in minutes as hours. It’s bad luck.” Tyler explained.  
“I’ve never heard of that.” Josh responded, scratching his already ruffled hair thoughtfully, still keeping his feet off the ground.  
“And yet you stay put.” Tyler teased and Josh smiled weakly.

They sat and talked for a while longer, checking the time until the minute had passed to put down their feet on the ground. Yet, not this before Josh had lost balance and fallen off his rock straight onto the ground, stubbornly keeping his feet in the air, making Tyler laugh almost hysterically. Their conversation trailed back to school, and suddenly Josh looked wondrous.  
“Hey, where were you in music class?” he asked and Tyler was a bit confused for a second, before realizing what Josh meant.  
“Oh, I was in a room next door. They have computers there, as Ms. McFinn probably told you. She basically just unlocks the door for me to go in.” Tyler shrugged.

Music classes were probably the worst class in quality for their grade. Ms. McFinn was a terrible teacher, she was way too lazy to ever really do anything so everyone could do exactly whatever they wanted. It wasn’t like Tyler would rather have tests in music history or do big group projects, but it made him sort of frustrated. Still, he liked sitting on the side and making digital music. He recorded the keyboard and then added bits and pieces from a program, making little tunes that weren't really worth anything.  
“Oh.” Josh answered, looking askance at the ground. “Is digital music fun? I’ve never really gotten it...seems like it takes a lot of time, or whatever.” Josh shrugged casually, more as a question than a statement.  
“Depends. Sometimes I struggle to make things make sense, but usually it’s just building on a base and that’s kind of fun.” Tyler explained back, remembering all the times he had angrily trashed projects because they just wouldn’t sound like he wanted them and he kept ruining them, but he denied that.  
“Yeah, I think acoustic artists struggle with that kind of stuff, too.” Josh nodded and Tyler did the same. “Do you have any projects going on? Any songs?”  
Why was it so hard for Josh to understand that Tyler didn't care too much for music...?

Tyler thought back. He usually worked on many things at the same time, so it did actually take a lot of time to finish anything. He had probably only finished one or two songs, ever. So in short, he had lots of things that had absolutely nothing special to them.  
“Well, nothing with a name.” he explained.  
“Okay, just wondering. You don’t write lyrics, or?” Josh asked, ripping up a bit of moss from the rock he was sitting on, but then putting it back.  
“No.” Tyler answered, realizing he had done so too fast when Josh looked up, a bit surprised.  
“Okay.” he answered.

The sun was suddenly clouded and the whole forest went gray instead of golden green. Tyler felt colder and had a shiver, it seemed as if Josh did too, covering his hands with the sleeves on his hoodie. He was looking down at them for a longer moment, and Tyler wanted to ask what was on his mind. He had been a little bit absent the last few minutes, he thought. It wasn’t like he shouldn’t be, Tyler got absent all the time, and sometimes for no reason. So he didn’t ask, even though he knew it was unlikely Josh would bring it up himself. Despite that fact, Josh had been more straight-forward than usual today. And very well;  
“Hey Tyler, I have to ask something.” he said quietly and a wind rustled the aspen trees, making them sound like bits of paper being scraped together. Tyler had been waiting for this conversation since he met Josh for the first time. “I’m sorry...I’m sorry to ask, but why...why did you run out into the woods last week? I get it if you don’t to tell me, I do, but it’s been bugging me. I know it’s not my business, but-” Josh was stammering so much it was almost painful to listen to.  
“Josh.” Tyler interrupted, just to give them a moment of quiet for him to think. “I could tell you, but I’m not really sure myself…”

Tyler slammed his fist straight down into his keyboard so hard it jumped into the air and then fell to the floor with a long series of bangs, hitting his foot in the process. Angrily he stood up, tearing his headphones off and throwing them down hard onto the keys, even though they didn’t make a sound now . It didn’t matter though. It didn’t matter, because nothing mattered! His breath was hitching and his hands were cold and sweaty, he was so...so emotional, that he was shaking. Why?  
Tyler Joseph was angry. He was so angry that he could not think of one thing to do with himself. Muttering the same phrase over and over, mixed with little squeaks from being so tense.  
“What’s the point, what’s the point, what’s the point…” he muttered, for that was all he could think of. He just couldn’t think straight enough to even gather his thoughts, he couldn’t recap. His life was so pointless, it was so pointless. He had no meaning to anything, it was a waste. What could the point of life possibly be when you didn’t even mean anything to anyone beyond those who had to prioritize you because of instinct and rules? When your death would mean nothing beyond that, sadness for them? No loss to the universe, not a single thing would change outside his town, even. Nothing, nothing out there would be different if he just died on the spot right now. Man, wasn’t that such a tempting thought…

Tyler looked back at the door to the basement backroom. Light filtered in in the cracks, but no sounds were made except his own, heavy breathing. His legs were itching in that annoying way, that way it used to do when he sat on the bench in basketball before. He just wanted to get up and run and just never do anything else in his life, ever. Until he dropped dead.  
“Go.” he told himself in a growl. “Go, come on.” he continued. Why was he talking to himself? “Tyler, go. Go. Go…!” he hissed, and at last he stumbled forward, as if he was a startled deer on survival instinct.  
“Good, good!” he was screaming under his breath as he hurried out the door, slamming it behind him and entering the cold summer night. He was talking to himself as if he was talking to someone else. He paced back and forth down his street, tearing himself between going back inside and coming to his senses and obey that voice that was talking to him, and just run away. He could, he could just do that. He could do anything, because it didn’t matter! It didn’t matter what he did! A bubbling laughter started hitching over and over in his throat as his pacing shot off in a high-speed sprint up the street. He couldn’t even feel his legs, really. He could barely see, it was all a blur. Was he crying, or was he losing his mind? It felt as if he was trapped in his own brain, watching himself do other things, that’s what it was like. But it didn’t matter, he was running away to drop dead in the forest that was looming ahead of him now.

“Tyler?” Josh’s soft voice suddenly brought Tyler right back and he looked up, feeling a flicker on his cheek, and brushed his hand against it to see what it was. A fly, mosquito? No, it was wet… “Tyler, I’m sorry. Are you okay?” Josh asked, almost whispering.  
“It’s fine.” Tyler excused, his voice breaking.  
“No, it’s not fine.” Tyler’s eyes were stuck on the ground. Josh sighed. “Tyler, I’m sorry.” he apologized again, and Tyler felt bad suddenly. He didn’t feel bad that often, but did when Josh apologized after doing nothing wrong.  
“You don’t have to apologize.” Tyler said.  
“I know.” Josh responded, as if he was told often what Tyler had told him. “I’m okay with never knowing. I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk about it.” Josh said, his voice shaking.  
Tyler looked up once more, and Josh’s face was drained of all color, and he looked as if he was scared.  
“I’m...I’m gonna go out on a length here. I know we’ve literally only known each other for a week and believe me I hate myself for saying this, but you’re the closest to a friend I’ve had in a while. And just...and just like that time, I’m up to follow you into a dark forest at any time.” Josh sighed, looking like he was trying to smile. Tyler’s breath caught in his throat at the way Josh was looking at him. With that sort of trust…

A gust of wind blew again, rustling the aspen and sending the cloud away from the sun. The light returned to the forest, bringing it to even more radiant golden tints and green hues again. The moss shone on the rocks, Josh’s dark brown curls sparkled with gold as well as patches on the ground where the sun came between the branches. But not just his hair, his eyelashes. They looked yellow, making his brown eyes darker than they had ever been before, probably. Tyler couldn’t speak, and he couldn’t stop looking at the other. It seemed Josh was in a similar situation, like he always was. They were quiet for a long time, looking at each other in a way that made them see new things about each other. Tyler had never experienced that before. Suddenly a choir of tweets sang from nearby and they both turned their heads in surprise, seeing a flock of birds fly above the trees. They reminded Tyler of kites with the way they turned swiftly in the wind with their long, black wings and split tails.  
“Swallows.” Josh murmured. Who swallows what?  
“Huh?”  
“They’re swallows.” Josh repeated, and Tyler realized he meant the type of bird. “I used to go bird watching with my dad when I was little.” he continued, and hopped off his rock. “I prefer swallows over swifts.”  
“Why?” Tyler asked, not even knowing what the difference was.  
“Swifts just sort of...screech. Swallows are actually melodic. And they’re cuter, I think.” he grinned carelessly.

Well then I’m a swift, Tyler thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome, welcome! It was short I know, but you read it anyway and I'm happy about that! 
> 
> So that was cute. It's a little rushed to some maybe, but I figured the forest is like...it's like where you have a lot of emotional moments in this fic and you're just kind of high on the ham and preservative smell so everything just comes tumbling out. But now, back to slow burning *cue evil laughter
> 
> Thank you for reading sweetcheeks! I appreciate all feedback and support<3


	10. "Straight, taken dudes."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to school on Monday. Tyler is cute in scarves. Brendon is hungover. Josh is slowly but surely starting to question his sexuality over lasagna cooking bro-times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey! Sorry it's been a while, I've been super busy this month! For example I went and saw twenty one pilots a couple of days ago, and they were exceptional! Very happy to have gotten the chance to see my fav boys. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this pretty long chapter!

“Josh, take a beanie today! It’s freezing out.” Josh’s mom called from the kitchen as he was pulling on his shoes.  
“‘Kay, mom!” he answered, standing up straight to grab his gray beanie from a shelf. He hadn’t worn it since last winter, and his hair had been shorter then, so he had to stand in front of the mirror in the hallway for a good while to fix it. He didn’t really know why, he wasn’t that vain and it would just be messed up later anyway. “See you later!” he then called, grabbing his bag from the ground and opening the door.  
“Bye now! Love you!” his mom said sweetly from around the corner and Josh smiled.  
“Love you too!” he answered and then headed out. 

It was very cold indeed, much colder than what should be allowed in September. Maybe they’d be having a cold winter this year? He hoped not, Josh wasn’t too fond of the cold. Snow was pretty from indoors, but it was mostly just troubling when you were outside. They never got that much in Ohio anyway. Josh pulled up his bike from the ground and the handle bars were wet, meaning there had been frost that night. He steered it out on the road before hopping on and biking the few houses down the street to Tyler’s house. It was almost unnecessary to bike there since it was so close, but it would just take long if he didn’t. 

Josh walked up to the door and knocked lightly, his hands already white and red with cold. He should have taken gloves or something, though he didn’t have any. Before he could think much of it, a girl had opened the door. Josh didn’t recognize her, but guessed she was Tyler’s sister.  
“Hi!” she said kindly and Josh smiled. She reminded him a bit of Ashley when she was younger. The girl turned around to call for her brother. “Tyler! Josh is here!”  
Before long Tyler had appeared from upstairs, already dressed in a jacket and shoes, along with a bag over his shoulder.  
“Hey.” he smiled softly and Josh felt his face go cold. It was strange to be smiled at like that, for some reason.  
“Hi. Ready to go?” he asked and Tyler nodded, but Josh suddenly realized he wasn’t wearing anything over his ears. “Oh, wait! It’s ice cold outside, take a beanie or something…”  
Tyler looked around. “I don’t have one…” he confirmed with a shrug and was about to walk out when his someone, probably his mom, popped her head in from a door further in.  
“Oh, no you don’t! Borrow my scarf, in the cupboard.” she said and Tyler sighed, giving Josh a pleasing glance, making him laugh. 

When they left, Tyler had a large, fluffy, white scarf around his neck. It wrapped around so that it covered most of his ears but also his mouth up to his nose. The only things visible were the tips of his ears and his eyes, which looked grumpy. Josh once more couldn’t help but grin at him and giggled when Tyler’s eyes scrunched up in a smile.  
“I can’t have it like this.” he said, pressing the scarf down so that his mouth was visible again.  
“Sure, you looked pretty funny though.” Josh snickered and Tyler rolled his eyes and smiled. 

They hopped onto their bikes and took off further down the street, going slow enough to be able to have a conversation whilst going. For some reason, Josh had a hard time keeping focus on what Tyler was saying about yesterday’s service. His cheeks and nose were rosy and he had to squint against the sunlight. Sometimes he smiled, and Josh thought about squinting too because it was so bright to see his smile. Was it strange to think that? His ears were red with cold and Josh wished he could do something about it.  
“Josh?” Tyler suddenly interrupted his thoughts, making him twitch.  
“What?” Josh asked and Tyler snorted in laughter.  
“You were just staring at me.” Tyler explained and went ahead to park his bike while Josh just blushed and tried to apologize, but failed miserably as he stumbled on his words. 

They entered the school and instantly Tyler took off his mother’s scarf, hanging it over his arm instead. The school was fairly empty so far, which was good. Josh liked being early as long as he wasn’t alone, and though they had different classes all day, they could at least spend the morning together. They both left their things in their lockers and took their books for their first class, which was english, but Josh was surprised to see Tyler heading in another direction than the classroom.  
“Wait- where are we going now?” he asked curiously, skipping to catch up.  
“Library, I’m waiting for a book.” Tyler explained as if it was obvious, but then smiled softly. He smiled a lot today, Josh was feeling happy about that. 

The library seemed like it had just opened, the woman behind the desk looked up from her coffee mug and smiled warmly as welcome. Josh stayed behind Tyler a bit, feeling like he’d be stared out if he caught her attention, since they were the only ones there.  
“Good morning, Mr. Joseph.” she greeted Tyler, and then turned to Josh as Tyler stepped out of the way. “And…?”  
“J-Josh. Dun. Josh Dun.” Josh stammered awkwardly.  
“Oh, yes, the new sophomore. Haven’t met you yet, I’m Margaret Wilson.” she introduced herself and Josh felt a bit more at peace, she seemed friendly. “What can I help you boys with?”  
“Have you gotten Watership Down yet?” Tyler asked and Margaret frowned a little.  
“I’m afraid not, I checked yesterday. Hopefully whoever’s reading it will return it soon. Good read, a little slow, but interesting!” she beamed. 

Watership Down. Wasn’t that that creepy old movie about rabbits who fought to the death and stuff? Josh thought. He didn’t even know it was a book, but it wasn’t surprising. Considering the theme, it somehow made sense that Tyler wanted to read it. They left the library and sat down on a couch outside, which were spread out a little here and there in the school.  
“Someone lent it right at the beginning of the semester.” Tyler said, and Josh realized too late what he was talking about.  
“What?” he asked.  
“The book, Watership Down. I was meaning to lend it over the summer but I never got around to it. Now I’ll have to wait for whoever’s reading it, and that might take a while.” Tyler explained further, and Josh nodded.  
“I’ve just seen the movie, when I was a kid. Pretty...scary.” he admitted.  
“Yeah, I guess. I haven’t seen it in ages either, but I recently remembered it and just...felt like reading it.” Tyler shrugged. 

They waited until the time had come for their first class, and now the halls were swarming with students again. Two of which were approaching.  
“Good morning, guys.” Sarah smiled, but she didn’t seem very happy. On her shoulder, Brendon was leaning his forehead. While she was, as usual, dressed well and had nice hair and makeup, Brendon looked to be in terrible shape. He was wearing a big hoodie and his hair was a mess. Josh was instantly worried about him.  
“Woah, Brendon...you don’t look so good.” he said quietly and Brendon let out a groan while Sarah sighed. Suddenly Dallon came up behind him, smiling slyly.  
“Ya’ boy Brendon here’s a bit hungover!” he said loudly, hanging an arm around Brendon’s shoulder.  
“Fuck off…!” Brendon groaned, not at all as loudly as he probably would have liked. 

Josh wasn’t sure what to think about it. He wasn’t familiar at all with alcohol, and Brendon was underage, yet somehow he wasn’t all too surprised. He wasn’t fond of it, though. He glanced at Tyler, who was staring into space as if the people in front of them weren’t there. 

“Anyway, we should get to class. Josh, we’re in english together.” Sarah said with a smile and then poked Brendon’s head off her shoulder and he straightened up only to slouch moments later.  
“Stop feeling bad for yourself.” Dallon grinned and picked Brendon up bridal style and then carried him off. Sarah rolled her eyes, but smiled. Josh stood up.  
“Tyler, I’ll see you later?” he said and Tyler stood up next to him, then nodded and headed another direction, but not before paying Sarah a glance. 

Josh followed Sarah, whose heels were clacking in a rhythmic sort of way against the stone floor, while Josh’s sneakers didn’t make a sound.  
“How come he’s hungover on a Monday?” Josh asked Sarah, even though he hated mouthing those words.  
“Oh, Brendon can be hungover any day of the week. He never learns, either. Irresponsible, if you ask me.” Sarah said, looking up at Josh as she slowed down to match his pace.  
“Well yeah, he’s underage…” Josh said and Sarah snorted quietly.  
“Trust me, that hasn’t stopped him from doing anything, ever.” she said and Josh swallowed thoughtfully. 

They got to class and it was pretty calm, everyone were tired and slow-minded on Mondays. Josh was about to fall asleep at his desk a couple of times. It was weird, before he had been wide awake, but the moment he entered the classroom his eyes felt like they were being glued shut. Sarah even had to poke him in the side to make him stay awake once.  
“Had a bad night’s sleep or something?” she asked with a teasing smirk. They were at the back of the classroom so they could whisper to each other.  
“I don’t think so, it’s just...Monday.” Josh answered and Sarah nodded in agreement and understanding. 

Their next class was history with Mr. G, the first teacher Josh had met, where he was also introduced to Dallon and Brendon for the first time. Now he met them outside the classroom, meeting Jenna as well.  
“Good morning, Josh! Having a good monday?” she beamed, smiley as usual. It was truly uplifting.  
“I’m tired.” he answered with a shrug and she pouted.  
“Well, boo-hoo…” Brendon groaned, leaning his entire weight onto Dallon, who just softly stepped aside and let him almost fall to the floor before catching himself. Josh laughed nervously, he did feel bad for Brendon, despite his hangover being his own fault entirely.  
“How about yourself?” he asked Jenna.  
“Oh, just peachy!” she smiled back. “Unlike others.” she then smirked and walked past him into the classroom.  
“Watch out Jenna, or I might puke on you.” Brendon threatened.  
“Oh, stop feeling bad for yourself.” Dallon repeated and rolled his eyes and pushed his friend softly to make him go in, leaving only himself and Josh outside the classroom. “He’s acting like a baby because he got dragged by a guy he was hitting on and totally made a fool of himself.” Dallon explained quietly and Josh took a moment before snorting in laughter, but didn’t answer. Now he could confirm that Brendon was, well, not-straight. 

The entire class he thought about it, more than he should have probably. He sat next to Dallon, but they didn’t talk anything. Josh was thinking very carefully about Brendon Urie’s sexual orientation, but not in the way it sounded. He also tiptoed around the thought because someone might be telepathic, you never know. Either way, he...he wondered what it felt like. He had sort of kept it as a secret from himself, but Josh was 17, and he had had a couple of girlfriends, if you could call it that. But...he had never really liked them. They were just nice, like good friends to him, but he hadn’t felt that comfortable with labeling it as a relationship and doing “relationship things”. He wasn’t stupid(just a little slow), so of course he been wondering about himself for a little while. But it was so new to him he didn’t dare to even think about it.  
“Josh, you awake?” Dallon suddenly asked him and a blush instantly spread on his face.  
“Um...yes.” he answered.  
“Okay, we’re supposed to answer these questions in pairs.” he said and nodded to the front of the classroom, where Mr. G had written a few questions on the board.  
“Right.” Josh answered, but Dallon didn’t look like he was preparing to do that.  
“But now I’m really curious about what you were thinking to make you blush that bad. Having some fantasies in class, are we?” he smirked and Josh felt all blood drain from his face.  
“No…! I’ll...maybe…maybe tell you about it later. Whatever, let’s do this thing.” he said, instantly regretting it.  
“Don’t wanna hear anything like that, kiddo.” Dallon said and raised his hands in defense and Josh rolled his eyes.  
“You know what I mean.” he said. 

They finished their class and then left to go to lunch. Josh remembered last Monday when he had spent lunch in the bathrooms, awkwardly hiding away from people. Now he could walk with Brendon, Dallon and Jenna out with confidence. Or well, he was never confident, but at least not as shyly as usual. Josh thought for a while before asking;  
“Brendon, what did you even do yesterday to get you so hungover?” Man, he hated saying things like that, it was still so strange to him.  
“Consume alcohol.” Brendon answered and everyone laughed. “Ah...I was at my cousin’s house at first, just hanging out, then he got invited to a party and asked me to come...and then I drank a lot, and did some other dumb things.” Brendon then sighed.  
“Like hit on straight, taken dudes?” Jenna suggested and Brendon shot her a glare.  
“Yes, like hit on straight, taken dudes.” he confirmed. “Everyone are so straight...and taken…” he grumbled and they all laughed at him again, but then he cracked a smile and straightened up. “Oh well. Why do you ask, Joshie-boy? Developing some crushes on straight, taken dudes? Because I feel you, dude.”  
Once more Josh blushed like a maniac. “No…” he answered, but he realized he looked like he was lying 100%. He wasn’t though, was he?  
“Ooh, you sure?” Brendon smirked.  
“Guys, what did I say about a million times about this? Are you slow?” Jenna joked and Brendon grinned, Josh actually did the same. This was such an interesting group. 

Sarah met them by the lockers and was instantly at Jenna’s side. It was obvious they were good friends, and Josh realized he had misjudged one of them. Jenna looked sweet and innocent, and she truly seemed like it too, very caring. She dressed in bright colors and didn’t wear a lot of makeup, so it wasn’t a surprise, if you judge by that. Sarah however wore mostly black, Dr. Martens and had winged eyeliner. Her hair was dark brown and often curled and Josh’s first impression of her told him she was similar to Brendon, but she wasn’t at all. She was more like Jenna, and that was nice.  
“Hey guys, ready to go?” she asked and Josh shut his locker and then stood up.  
“Yep.” he confirmed and they all walked ahead, and Josh skipped to catch up. 

However he didn’t catch up, but instead stopped in his tracks when he saw a familiar, lanky figure straighten up from being bent over his locker. Josh was instantly conflicted. He had about four seconds to decide what to do before either Tyler turned around, or someone from his own group of friends asked for him to keep up. He was battling with himself about asking Tyler to join them, because he didn’t know if he could. Would that be awkward, or more specifically, who would it be more awkward for? Because Josh was far too shy to lighten any awkward moods, truly the only person he knew could do that was Brendon. Would he do that, though?  
“Hey, Josh. Aren’t you heading to lunch?” Whoops, four seconds are up.  
“Josh! What’s the hold-up? They have pizza today and I’m not waiting for you, bro.” there was a call, sounding like Brendon. Four seconds definitely up, and it was too late to make a decision, for the situation had already made it for him.  
“Yeah, one second!” Josh called after them, then turned back to Tyler, who was looking curious. “You wanna come with us? If you want.” Josh said and then realized his dumb sentence-structure. Tyler raised an eyebrow, but didn’t seem to mind.  
“Um, sure. Sure.” he said twice with a smirk, obviously teasing Josh stumbling over his words. Josh snorted a laugh and then led them away. 

Sarah and Jenna were waiting for them in the corridor while Brendon and Dallon had skipped ahead, and the two of them smiled brightly.  
“Another add to the party.” Sarah noted.  
“If that’s okay.” Tyler and Josh said at the same time, sharing a glance and making the girls laugh while the two of them looked away again.  
“Sure thing.” Jenna shrugged, and they headed into the cafeteria. 

Josh had brought his own lunch as usual, just leftovers from a few days ago, really nothing special about it. He sat down next to Dallon and Tyler soon followed to sit next to him.  
“Yo.” Dallon smiled, mouth already full, and waved a little.  
“Hi.” Tyler responded but didn’t smile. It seemed like he forgot, as he looked very on-edge.  
The rest of the group were lining for pizza. Probably more because it was pizza than being good pizza. Josh remembered that the pizza his last school offered was rather tasteless, but people still got excited. It doesn’t take a lot, does it?  
“I just bumped into Tyler on the way out, so you know...figured I’d ask.” Josh shrugged, trying to explain himself as casually as possible.  
“Of course, of course. Hey, what’s our next class?” Dallon asked, obviously just to have a conversation.  
“Uh…” Josh tried to remember. “I have math, you’re not in it.” he answered.  
“Oh right...I have science, I think.” Dallon thought out loud.  
“Me too.” Tyler poked in and Dallon nodded, leaning back in his chair.  
“I haven’t learned my schedule by heart yet.” he sighed stretching his arms back. 

Brendon appeared behind him and decided to give his armpit a poke, making Dallon, who was a foot too tall for the school building already, jolt so violently he fell off his chair backwards, making the company laugh.  
“Aha, you fuckin’ loser!” Brendon wheezed and sat down, his plate made up of a tower of pizza slices. Josh gave Sarah and Jenna a questioning glance, but they both shook their heads and sat down.  
“I promise we tried to tell him.” Jenna said, punching Brendon lightly in the arm, who seemed unbothered.  
“But what can you expect?” Sarah sneered and Brendon nodded and then looked up, probably meeting Tyler’s eyes, who was sitting right in front of him.  
“Oh, hey Tyler! Didn’t even see ya’, buddy.” he welcomed and Josh could finally breathe out. Not too awkward.  
“Yeah, hi.” Tyler said back, smiling as well. Which was understandable, Brendon just sort of had that effect.  
“What have you been up to lately?” he asked curiously, genuine as always.  
“Um, not a lot.” Tyler answered, but didn’t let it be quiet after that for long. “We had a new Minister because our usual one was sick. This new one got a few parts wrong. Kind of embarrassing.” Tyler said, and Josh found himself being the only one finding it particularly funny. Jenna snorted a little, too. They were the only ones who ever went to church in this group, it seemed.  
“My mom almost set fire to the house yesterday.” Brendon informed and everyone looked at him. “Ah, she was making dinner, some casserole or whatever, and totally forgot about it. I would have found it pretty funny.” he smiled and Sarah rolled her eyes.  
“That’s dangerous, idiot.” she sighed.  
“Was there smoke and stuff?” Josh asked, feeling like the conversation was based more on having something to talk about than actual interest. So it was a little bit awkward, and Brendon was, as suspected, trying his best not to let that happen.  
“Oh yeah, the entire kitchen.” Brendon laughed. “Dad got the fire-extinguisher, even. Wouldn’t let me use it, though.”  
“Well, that’s understandable.” Dallon muttered with a smirk and Brendon glared at him. Josh glanced to Tyler, as they both suspected a story behind Dallon’s comment, probably. 

Lunch ended and they headed for their next class, which was math. Josh smiled to himself as he remembered the first time he went to math last Monday, and Brendon had been mocking the teacher to his face. They were the only ones in it, and Sarah headed off in another direction along with Tyler, whilst Dallon came along as his class was just down the hall and Jenna was in Josh and Brendon’s. Instantly Brendon landed an arm around his shoulders and smirked at him. Josh jumped about a mile into the air, but met his eyes anyway.  
“What?” he asked, but Brendon’s grin only grew wider. Josh furrowed his eyebrows. “What…?” he whispered.  
Before Brendon could answer he was yanked off by Dallon with a humph! and Josh laughed at them, even though he was still confused.  
“You totally have a crush.” Brendon stated and Josh felt his stomach flip. What could possibly make him say that?  
“I don’t?” he questioned, looking around nervously if anyone had heard. It was unlikely.  
“Oh, you do. Or you will.” Dallon said, more calmly. Now Josh was even more confused, because out of the two, Dallon was more likely to be correct.  
“I swear I have no clue what you’re talking about.” Josh argued, starting to get frustrated, though he knew they didn’t mean any harm.  
“What did you do on Saturday?” Brendon asked. Josh thought back. He hung out with Tyler Joseph. Wait, he wasn’t actually implying…? Still he told the truth, of course.  
“Hung out with Tyler, why?” he asked, acting oblivious in hopes it would make them realize how ridiculous they were being. He wasn’t actually-  
“God, I can tell! I can tell so easily. Josh, you’re blushing like a maniac.” Brendon laughed and then got a poke in the side from Dallon, sending Josh an apologetic look.  
“That’s enough buddy.” the taller, and much calmer, one of the two stated and then gave Brendon such a hard shove he couldn’t help but walk away. “Sorry about him, he just wants a reaction sometimes.” Dallon sighed. Josh shook his head.  
“It’s okay.” he didn’t know if it was actually okay, he didn’t like people claiming things about him that weren’t true. But it was Brendon, exactly what could he expect? Dallon gave him a reassuring smile that made him feel a bit better, and then left to go to his own class. 

Josh couldn’t help but laugh at Brendon’s remarks during math class, he never could. It was obvious this was one of his toughest subjects, too. Jenna was there as well, but sat further back. The class went by fast, and Josh headed for the next. As he exited the classroom however, he felt a tap on his shoulder and quickly turned around. There stood Brendon and Josh forced back a sigh. He wasn’t actually going to tease him more?  
“Hey, sorry about what I said earlier.” Oh. “I’ll make up for it with dinner?” Brendon then suggested and Josh bit down on his lip. Was this guy being serious? Josh couldn’t tell, it sounded as if he was honestly asking him to go have dinner with him. What was he supposed to answer? He didn’t exactly have feelings for a person he met two weeks ago, and especially not a guy.  
“Um, I don’t think that would make sense. I mean...I don’t...I’m not gay, or anything.” Josh said, feeling so awkward even uttering those words. Was that being friends with not-straight people was? Getting their sexuality shoved in your face?  
“Neither am I, I was just trying to do myself a favor.” Brendon laughed and walked away. Josh followed unsurely. “I’m home alone today so I have to make dinner, thought I’d ask you to join me. But if you’re afraid of catching LGBT that’s fine.” Brendon sighed and Josh was instantly so ashamed he froze in his steps.  
“Brendon- That’s not what I- I swear I’m not-” he stammered, failing to apologize desperately. Had he been serious? He, Josh Dun, had just jumped to conclusions about a person asking him on a date. He couldn’t even stand still because he was so embarrassed, tapping his fingers on his legs. Brendon turned around and shook his head, his face in a smug smile.  
“I know.” he said and Josh sighed in relief, smiling a bit as well as he caught up to the other.  
“Sorry.” he apologized, but Brendon brushed it off. “I’ll help you out.” he then said, and Brendon looked confused. “With dinner.” Josh confirmed and Brendon snorted in laughter, slapping himself in the head as if to clear it. 

Their last class was a long one, or at least it felt like it, but afterwards Josh waited by his locker for Brendon to show up. He was tapping his hands on his thighs still, imagining the beat to What’s My Age Again? as he still had it in his head. He wondered what they would play this Friday, if they still played something together. Maybe he would check on Tyler? If he could, and should. He couldn’t exactly just slip away from being the center of attention as drummer, and Tyler seemed to prefer being alone in general. Judging by what others had told him, it seemed as a bit of a miracle Tyler Joseph was paying Josh Dun any attention whatsoever. That made him feel some type of way.  
“Hey.” came a familiar voice and Josh looked up to see Brendon’s curious face.  
“Ah, hi. You’re...a bit late.” Josh said quietly, knowing Brendon was well aware of that already.  
“Yeah, got stuck in some other stuff. Anyway, let’s go.” Brendon smiled softly and then headed off, Josh was quick to keep up. 

They headed out onto the parking lot and Brendon walked toward the cars that stood there, leaving Josh in a conflict.  
“Uh, I have my bike.” he called and Brendon twisted around.  
“Oh, that’s fine. We can hang it on my car, here.” he answered, patting the back of a red jeep. Josh nodded and followed the suggestion, carrying his bike over and with a little help, tying it to the back of the car. He then jumped into the passenger seat, amused by the floral interior.  
“This is cute.” he noted, brushing it softly.  
“My mom’s work. I like it too.” Brendon answered with a nod, and after a few fails, the engine let out a roar and they were off. 

Brendon and his family lived in an apartment on the second floor, and it was pretty average. From just looking in, Josh figured it would be three bedrooms, one kitchen, one bathroom and one livingroom, as well as the hallway. It was pretty cozy too, with a fresh bouquet of flowers on the dinner table of which he caught a glance from the entrance and gray painted walls.  
“Well...mi casa su casa.” Brendon said with a shrug and kicked off his shoes. Josh did the same as the other walked into his home.  
“Gracias.” Josh answered and followed a bit more carefully. 

It was always a bit awkward to come into someone’s house for the first time, but it was worse when their parents were home, and Brendon was laid back enough for Josh to wander around as he pleased. Still, he didn’t do that.  
“You can have a look around if you like, I’m just gonna change.” Brendon instructed and Josh nodded, inspecting the flowers on the table from afar, even though he had no idea what kind they were. Orange ones. When Brendon was out of sight, he very quietly walked around, careful not to touch anything. There was a bowl and spoon in the sink, implying Brendon had probably ate cereal for breakfast. That’s not a weird thought at all, Josh. The table was black and the chairs were white, it looked like they were painted by hand. Next to the vase with flowers was a framed picture of Brendon himself, it looked like it was probably one or two years old. His hair was longer back then, apparently. Smile as wide as usual, though. On one wall was another one that looked to be of him when he was very young, and his hair was an absolute mess, unevenly cut everywhere. There was another picture of a family, and it was quite obviously Brendon’s. He looked a lot like his mother, and there were four more siblings in the picture, all of which looked older. They were all moved out now, probably.  
“Handsome, wasn’t I? Can’t say I kept that trait.” Brendon suddenly said, making Josh jump and then turn around.  
“You have a lot of pictures.” Josh pointed out.  
“Yeah, my family has a thing for sentimental value, I guess. Memories and stuff.” he shrugged. “Anyway, I was thinking we could make lasagna, and that’s gonna take a little while so we should start. I know how to make it by heart.” Brendon informed and Josh couldn’t say he wasn’t impressed, he didn’t know any food by heart. Except cereal. And toast.  
“Sure.” Josh agreed.  
“Hm, you’re so easy-going. Dallon can be argumentative.” Brendon grinned and Josh laughed a little, feeling bad for being compared to Brendon’s best friend. “Let’s listen to some tunes. Got any suggestions?” Brendon then asked, walking to turn on some speakers by the window.  
Josh felt himself panic a little bit. Music, music, music. What did he know that wasn’t lame? “Um...do you like The Killers?” he asked. That was the band Tyler liked. He didn’t know too many songs himself, mostly just the famous ones.  
Brendon laughed and Josh felt awkward. Had he said something wrong? “Totally! Let’s take it back to my emo phase in 2009.” he agreed and soon a song Josh didn’t recognize was playing, but it sounded good. “I’ll shuffle Battle Born, I haven’t listened to it too much anyway.” Brendon informed and was then taking out something from a cupboard.  
“Right.” Josh said, pretending he knew what he was talking about. 

Josh helped set the table while Brendon was cooking, proving he was pretty efficient in that department. Maybe Josh shouldn’t be surprised, Brendon seemed to be good at everything. Soon enough he was also singing along to the song Josh guessed the album was named along with at the top of his lungs, and it was impressive. He was pretty young, only 17, and still he could sing louder than his speakers that were already loud to say the least.  
“Come on, drummer kid!” he said, throwing Josh a couple of spoons which he fumbled with before holding onto properly.  
Brendon was headbanging to the song whilst pouring a can of crushed tomatoes into a pan and screeching. The song might be underwhelming for that action but that only made it funnier. Josh laughed and started tapping the forks between the wooden counter, stove and an upside down pan Brendon had provided for him. He drummed along as swiftly as he could without breaking anything, and it felt good. Brendon was singing enough for three, and Josh liked drumming along to it.  
“When they break your heart! When they cause your soul to mourn!” Brendon sang, and then turned dramatically to Josh, who could only laugh at his expression. “Remember what I said! Boy you was battle born!” he danced along and Josh had to stop drumming because he was laughing so much.  
“Good, that’s good!” he said.  
“Solo!” Brendon answered, playing air guitar on a ladle. 

He finished the whole cooking part of making lasagna, being very meticulous about there being more bechamel sauce than any recipe ever said. Then it was supposed to be in the oven for about 25 minutes which they had to kill, and Josh didn’t doubt Brendon had a way to do that. They went to sit down in the living room, and Josh seated himself on the couch, stretching out over it as he suddenly felt how exhausted he was in his body.  
“Man, I miss our old house sometimes.” Brendon said and Josh looked at him curiously. He was spread out over a chair and staring at the ceiling. “We had a garage where I kept a drumset. If we had it you’d have to play it.” he explained and looked at Josh.  
“Why’d you move?” he asked.  
“Oh, when all my siblings moved out my parents claimed it was unnecessary to keep the house. Makes sense, but they could wait until I moved out too.” Brendon shrugged back. “Maybe they think I won’t.”  
Josh laughed a little. “That’s reassuring.” he said.  
“Do you have any siblings?”  
“Three younger ones. Two sisters and one brother.” Josh answered, thinking about how he was the oldest and Brendon the youngest.  
“Right. That’s gotta be a little heavy. To be the one putting example and stuff, I imagine.” Brendon thought out loud, scratching his head.  
“Sometimes. I mean, my parents used to be kind of strict with what I did and stuff, but it’s not like I was ever a trouble-maker or anything.” Josh explained and Brendon smirked.  
“What are you implying? That I’m one?” he said and Josh rolled his eyes and shook his head, starting to get used to Brendon’s challenges. “Well, you’re right.”  
“That reminds me, how are you feeling now? About being hungover, I mean.” Josh changed the subject.  
“Ah, better. It was mostly just me being grumpy because I did embarrassing things, but that’s just life.” Brendon sighed and Josh could pick up the song changing in the kitchen again. They should be reaching the end of the album. This song sounded calmer.  
“Like...hit on straight, taken dudes?” Josh joked and Brendon glanced at him before breaking into a grin.  
“Exactly.” he answered. It wasn’t any of Josh’s business, but he guessed Brendon was bisexual, but he truly couldn’t know. It seemed more as if he switched all the time. Maybe that was how it worked? 

Josh’s mind started wandering. He had been thinking about this subject a lot today, and it had been surrounding him as well. He wasn’t sure, but he was fairly confident Brendon had been saying Josh had a crush on Tyler Joseph, which wasn’t true. And yet he couldn’t know. He liked spending time with him, and he felt really touched when Tyler talked to him. And when he made him smile he felt like he had cured cancer because it didn’t happen that often, and it just felt great. Tyler’s laugh was something special, too. It was like he wasn’t used to hearing it himself. And then there was the way he walked, and how he buried his face in his scarf when it was cold. But these were just things he was noticing, he was technically noticing this about everyone. It just felt different when it was about Tyler.  
“Hey, why did you say I have a crush earlier today? How can you tell so easily?” Josh asked without turning his eyes anywhere.  
“Oh, uh...sorry about that.” Brendon answered and Josh turned to him now.  
“No, not at all, I’m just curious.” he smiled a little to be reassuring, but it might just have been creepy.  
“Well...I guess it’s just easier to tell from the outside, but it doesn’t have to be that way. You just look at Tyler as if he’s an angel to you. You know what I mean?” So he did mean Tyler Joseph. “But I take your word it, man.”  
“Yeah. But I don’t know if you’re...if you’re wrong, to be exact.” Brendon’s eyes lit up. “If mean it doesn’t feel like a crush at all, it’s not like I’m writing love poems for the guy. But I still...think about him...a lot.” Josh admitted, surprising himself. He wasn’t sure where all of this was coming from, because he had been scared to even think of these things ever in his life, but it felt a bit more relaxed when he was talking to someone who was actually attracted to guys.  
“Well, whatever it is that you feel, we’ll support ya’, buddy.” Brendon smiled widely and Josh laughed quietly. “Look, I dislike talking about someone when they’re not around, but Tyler’s always been pretty shut-in. There’s been rumors going around and stuff throughout the years, nothing important or that you want to know, but...I’ve never seen him the way he is around you. Not in a long time, at least.” Brendon said thoughtfully and Josh felt his stomach flutter. Why, though? “And he is cute.” Josh broke into laughter and they both grinned at each other. 

The time had passed and they went back to the kitchen. Brendon screamed the entire time whilst taking the lasagna out of the oven, making Josh laugh even more. His cheeks were starting to hurt a lot by now, something he didn’t have a memory of ever happening before. They had to wait for it to cool down before even daring to part in and put it on their plates. Then they had to wait what felt like half an hour before actually being able to eat it, but when they did, it tasted really good.  
“You’re a pretty good cook.” Josh marked.  
“I would be nothing without my glamorous assistant.” Brendon answered, breathing heavily to cool the food in his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go, long one! Thank you so much for reading, and please leave a little feedback as it helps me immensely! I appreciate all your support so much :-D 
> 
> Have a lovely day, sweethearts!


	11. "Promise Unfulfilled."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler has a pretty rough day, and he's not sure how to deal with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> Sorry I haven't been updating, the dark months are making me so tired I can barely keep my eyes open when I come home from school. But here it is! It's long, so bear with me!

“Peace be with you.” Tyler’s mother murmured with a reassuring smile, as usual giving his hand a kiss afterwards and waited for him to smile back. She always did that too, like it was the only way she could confirm he was fine. Didn’t she know people could lie, he thought. 

 

His parents always stayed around in church for a while afterwards, talking to people to catch up and hear good news. Tyler would usually join them by their side at least so they could get to stand in the light of the praise he got from everyone. Good grades, good looking, nice and responsible. Tyler wasn’t too sure about it all, but he appreciated the effort. He had noticed even at entering the church at first that the Dun family was missing a son today. That was unlucky, Tyler had been looking forward to seeing him. He hated that, that he had in just four weeks become so dependant on the little attention he was given just because he never craved it before, but there he was. It wasn’t just that though, the entire day had been long and gray for him. It hadn’t rained but only been cloudy, and that was such a waste of weather, Tyler thought. Either it could be sunny or rainy, not an in between. Josh Dun had a tendency to brighten days like that up with his smiles and eyes that become darker when the sun shines on his face. 

 

As mentioned, the day had been a long one. It was one of those where every little thing felt wrong and was annoying. If one thing went wrong, Tyler felt like he could burst out crying like a little child losing a toy. And once more he was unlucky, for everything had gone wrong today. Small things, but everything nonetheless. He had gotten quite a scolding from his mom for oversleeping and missing the service that morning, and hadn’t been allowed to go out to run his frustration with himself away, and therefore been stuck inside to drive himself out of his mind on his room. He was going to do the dishes after lunch too and smashed a plate, once more to his mother’s dismay. He hated it when his parents got mad, and when he wasn’t allowed to calm down after getting yelled at, he was never sure what to do with himself. Once, he ended up in a dark forest. This day was similar to that one. Should he be scared something similar would be the result? 

 

Tyler’s hands were icy cold and he was sweating down his back, and every now and then he had a violent shiver. A cold, or maybe a fever? He felt sort of sick, but not in the usual way.   
“Hey, Tyler!” came a sudden call, warm and very fatherly. He recognized him quickly, there was no mistake in that oblivious parent-tone.   
“Good afternoon, Mr. Dun.” he answered, looking up only for a second at the man. His wife was stood by his side, talking eagerly to his mother about a recipe on apple pie. Their younger children were also there, discussing among themselves loudly as ever.   
“I hear you overslept this morning! That’s unusual for a teenager!” he said, laughing at himself afterwards along with the rest of the people around, it seemed. Stop laughing, stop laughing, stop laughing, Tyler thought so hard he was almost saying it out loud. Instead he clenched his jaw.   
“I suppose it isn’t.” That was a lie when it came to Tyler. He never overslept, never. Especially not on a Sunday. He hadn’t even stayed up that late yesterday. You haven’t spoken in too long, say something, Tyler thought quickly. “But you’re here as well. Do you go to service twice a day?” he asked, trying to sound as curious as possible and not sarcastic at all.   
“Oh, you know what, we both had to work this morning.” Mr. Dun explained, nodding to his wife. “But here we are now.” But here they were. Tyler wanted them to mention Josh at least. His mom came to the rescue.   
“Your son though, where is he? Joshua, is his name?” she asked sweetly.   
“Josh is better.” Tyler muttered, but was ignored.   
The Duns looked at each other quickly. “Josh is sick today, home in a fever.” Mrs. Dun then explained.  
“Oh, what a shame! I think Tyler’s been looking forward to seeing him as well?” Tyler’s mom asked and they all looked at him and smiled mockingly. Stop laughing, he thought once more.  
“Not really.” Tyler said and looked away. They all giggled a little and Tyler could feel the blood drain from his face as he lost balance, but managed to swerve stumbling.   
“Oh, you look pale, son. Is there a flu going around, maybe?” Mr. Dun asked, putting a hand on Tyler’s shoulder. The touch was the last drop and Tyler flinched back.   
“I’m going home.” he said quietly and was out the building before anyone could protest. 

 

Tyler walked with such hurried steps his legs started aching after a while. He was dreading his mother following him and asking lots of questions and scolding him for being rude, so he took a longer way home. Turning left so that he went around his street and followed the edge of the forest. Josh’s house was the second one from the corner from here, to his right. To his left was the small path that you could only see if you walked in. He had been on it twice. Tyler felt a pulling, and went left. 

 

It was gloom today. The leaves were starting to turn yellow already, but only a little bit. In two months maybe, they would all be off. They never got much snow in Ohio, barely any that stayed for more than a week. But it was a cold fall, so maybe they would get some more this year. It didn’t matter, the fall made the forest cold and gray and just like everything today, it felt wrong. It felt like he wasn’t invited, and yet he went in further. He remembered when he and Josh had to walk through that swampy part of the path with branches scratching your skin and your feet sinking slightly into the mud, to get to the other side where there was a pretty clearing where the sun came through and dyed your hair and eyelashes gold. He doubted it would do that today, but he needed to see it again. It felt like he would become neutral if he did. 

 

Once more he came upon the dark gate to the clearing. It was impossible to see through the branches and Tyler started doubting if there was anything on the other side. But he knew he had walked the right way, so he continued on and pushed through. Wearing a jacket today, he didn’t get scratches on his arms. However as he jumped the last bit in more of a panicky spasm that a stumble, he felt a cut being made just below his eye. Unsurely he raised his fingers and touched the stingy area, and to his dismay there was blood. He didn’t care, at least it wasn’t in his eye.   
“Hopefully you’ll go blind next time.” he said to himself, but was confused. He hadn’t meant to speak it out loud, and it was weird to hear your inner monologue be spoken. Why would he say that, anyway? 

 

Now he was in the clearing in which he had been in about two weeks ago last time, with none other than Josh Dun. Memories of the golden light flooded his mind once more, about what they had talked about and how Josh had been determined to keep his feet off the ground during 12:12. Then Tyler had remembered that Friday when he ran off. This felt like that moment more like the others. Wondrously he looked around before making another move, until a twig snapping behind him made him aware and moving forward. There were no birds singing, and the sky was blurry gray. It didn’t even look real, more like there was just a big, gray screen above their heads. The trees were gray too, dull and cold and wet, meaning there had been frost earlier. It was a cold fall indeed, they hadn’t even reached October. 

 

After pacing back and forth, kicking rocks around and tearing dead twigs off the trunks, Tyler went home. He was disappointed, but calmer. Even though the weather was terrible, the forest was always a bit on the side of real life, somehow. What was the word?   
“Surreal.” Tyler said to himself, and kept repeating it until he came home.   
“Oh my, Tyler! Where have you been? I started getting worried!” his mom called from the kitchen, where she spent majority of her time and was soon in sight. “Do you...do you have needles in your hair? Where were you?” she hurried, picking a leaf from his head before he had even kicked off his other shoe.   
“Around.” he answered and left to go to his room. He shouldn’t even have gone home, now he had to be in that real life again.   
“Hey, you.” she said sternly and grabbed his arm. “Tell me where you were right now.”   
“Why does it matter?” he asked coldly, yet he regretted it. He could hear himself be really annoying and much unlike himself, but he couldn’t seem to be able to do anything about it.   
“Because I want to know. Why are you being so rude? And it was awfully unnecessary to just burst out of church too, the Duns were baffled and it was very embarrassing. Tyler, look at me when I’m talking to you!” she rambled and Tyler turned his gaze up to meet hers, and it felt like he was staring right into her soul, though he couldn’t see anything. Instantly she went quiet and let him go. “Go off to your room now, then.” she said and Tyler did as advised. 

 

Zack wasn’t home, he thought he heard him go to a friend earlier that day. Lucky was he, for Tyler was back to being so frustrated that he couldn’t handle it. Going to the forest felt like putting a layer of plastic foil over a dam as a last resort to keep it from overflowing, and now that was washed away. He kicked his desk chair, flipped a dusty basketball trophy off it’s shelf and onto the floor with a bang, grabbed the white instrument lying hidden under his covers and raised it high as if to smash it into the wall. After a moment of hesitation, he softly tossed it onto the bed instead, letting it’s soft sound ring out as an echo in the room. He should have hidden it better, under his bed, not under his covers. If his mom had decided to make his bed she would find it. He wasn’t even sure why he kept it from them so much, it just felt like there would be so much trouble if they found out. It was just a ukulele, though. And he...wanted to keep something for himself, for once.

 

Tyler sat down, crossed his legs and leaned back against the wall, laying the ukulele in his arms. He had been practicing more than usual lately, and he was getting the hang of it pretty fast. One day he even sat for three hours, repeating the chords he knew as well as learning new ones. He knew from playing piano that there were indeed a lot of chords, but he never knew that pretty much all of them could be formed on such a small instrument with only four strings and twelve frets, five of which were only used for the most part. It was easy. It was so easy, too. C, G, A minor, F. And you could play any song on just that. Or start on A minor and play any sad song. Or F, and it became something else. He liked that order. It sounded like...the calm before the storm, somehow. He still liked playing Can’t Help Falling In Love, because it sounded so pretty even without the words. La Vie En Rose and Build Me Up, Buttercup were fun too. They were all simple, and happy. Was it possible to write a sad song just for the ukulele? Tyler didn’t think so. 

 

Before Tyler had even made it halfway through Riptide, a song he had just learned and was enjoying since it only had three chords instead of four, the door to his room opened. He felt a twist in his stomach and panicked, sitting straight up in his bed and laying the ukulele next to him, but it was too late. It was just Zack, though. Good, good. Tyler could make up excuses or have him not tell anyone.   
“What’s that?” Zack asked, dropping a bag to the floor and trying to peek over Tyler’s arm. “Tyler.” he said, walking up to his bed. Tyler hadn’t decided what to do yet. Zack had already seen the instrument, so he couldn’t lie. He didn’t want to lie either, but truly, he was willing to do most to not get in trouble with his parents.   
“It’s a ukulele.” Tyler answered. Zack looked curious and confused, and little bit scared. He knew, too.   
“I didn’t know you had one.” Zack answered quietly. Zack was 14, he knew full well to keep quiet. Tyler was grateful for that, at least.   
“Because I’ve been keeping it to myself. Zack, you can’t tell anyone, okay?” Tyler asked, and Zack looked at him unsurely. “Promise.”   
“You’re not allowed to have it, are you?” he asked and sat down at the foot of the bed.   
“I don’t know, that’s why I’m not telling anyone. You know our parents don’t want us doing music too much, and I got it for myself without telling them because I wanted it. Do you see?” Tyler was desperate and frustrated. At least with himself, he should have been more careful. He shouldn’t have gotten a ukulele in the first place.   
“How long have you had it for?” Tyler wasn’t sure why Zack couldn’t just promise not to tell anyone, but he couldn’t get on his bad side now.   
“I dunno, since the beginning of August? Zack, do you promise?” Tyler sighed. Zack did too, and then stood up.   
“Sure.” he muttered and started unpacking the bag he had brought in. Training clothes, it seemed. 

 

Half an hour later they were called down for dinner, and the two brothers exchanged a look before going downstairs. Madison was already at the table, and Jay was running around with some new toy before their mom grabbed it from him and told to go take a seat. He didn’t look pleased, but did as told. Tyler was even more reluctant, walking with light feet and pretending he didn’t exist. He sat down at the end of the table, hoping and guiltily praying no one would talk to him.   
“Tyler, why don’t you say grace?” his mother asked, and Tyler sighed.   
“Sure.” he answered and everyone closed their eyes. Tyler didn’t. “Dear Lord, we thank you for the meal presented to us today, and we hope you’ll bless us with more to come. We- we thank those who have made it as well. Amen.” he said, feeling his heart sink as he spoke. That was terrible. Tyler imagined himself banging his head against a wall. Stupid, stupid, stupid…

 

Maybe it was good said terrible grace, now no one wanted to talk to him. The conversation over the table instead went over the usual; Madison being a miracle child in school as if fourth grade was difficult, talking about Zack’s bad grade on a recent test, Jay being a bit obnoxious and saying he wants pancakes. Tyler sat stiff, staring down at his food as he ate, twitching whenever he was spoken to.   
“Tyler, are you okay, honey?” his mom asked sweetly, and before he could respond, his father cut in.   
“It’s because he spends so much time on his room. You should get out more, son. Don’t you have some friends? That, uh, that Joshua kid.” he suggested obviously. You can’t ask a person to hang out every single day, especially when you’ve recently just met, and especially when your name is Tyler Joseph, and the other is Josh Dun.   
“Don’t tell me you’re pushing people away now, Tyler.” Kelly continued with that pleading look of hers. As if it was something he did, as if she knew him.   
“I don’t. Josh was sick today, wasn’t he?” he questioned quietly, picking at his food.   
“Yeah, well-” his dad started, but Tyler put his fork down and sighed.   
“What? Can you please stop complaining about him? It’s like you want me to marry him or something.” he muttered. 

 

Tyler shouldn’t have said that. The moment he had said it he knew that, and he felt cold, closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to meet all their surprised, stressed ones.   
“Of course we don’t, Tyler.” his mom blurted, as if she was shocked. So casually she could slip in homophobia into it, too.   
“No, gosh no. What, are you two fighting?” his dad nagged and Tyler could almost feel the anger boiling in his veins. He was so angry, and he wasn’t sure why, but he wanted them all to shut up and leave him alone, never talk to him ever again. He never wanted to talk to anyone again.   
“No.” he answered. “Am I excused?”   
“Don’t go lock yourself in now.” his mom continued pleading. His door didn’t even have a lock. The basement door did, though.   
“Kids and their screens, can’t go a second without them.” his father muttered, as if Tyler’s phone had anything to do with this. They didn’t know, they didn’t understand. He hated not denying it.   
“He plays ukulele.” Zack said quietly, and everyone turned to him. Tyler did so with terror.   
“He...what?” Kelly questioned, looking between the two. Tyler glared at Zack, who wouldn’t meet his eyes.   
“You promised.” he said quietly to his brother, who sighed. “Ukulele. It’s an instrument. I play it.” he then answered to his mom, who looked utmost confused.   
“No you don’t.” she answered. Denial? Interesting.   
“I do.”   
“Since when?”   
“I don’t know, August?” he sighed with an edge.   
“Don’t use that tone, young man.” Kelly ordered, her eyes narrowing.   
“Sounds ridiculous to me. And since August? You’ve been hiding this from us?” his dad asked, sounding aggravated. Tyler reacted as usual with a flinch, but toughened up and didn’t answer. At first, at least.   
“Tyler, you know what I’ve told you,” Tyler did know, and it bothered him that his dad spoke as if he was the only one who had said anything bad to him, ever. “your voice shall not be raised if not to praise the Lord.”   
“I don’t sing.” Tyler answered quietly, but not cowardly.   
His parents sighed, and Tyler felt a little bit victorious. “A...ukulele is not in any way a holy instrument. Why couldn’t you settle with piano, play organ in the church?” his mother continued.  
“Because I don’t want to.” Tyler said and met his mom’s eyes, which grew dark. Those were his least favourite words, the worst ones Tyler could say. 

 

His mother stood up, but Tyler stayed put.   
“Kelly.” Chris begged, and all the children watched as their mom walked out of the kitchen and started to thunder up the stairs. She stormed off? No, the thought briefly touched Tyler’s mind, he denied it, and the second time it came around he instantly stood up.   
“Mom!” he called and followed, pulling himself up by the rails and jumping triple steps. “Mom, don’t take it.” he asked and swung his door open.   
“Is this it?” his mom asked, holding up the pretty, wooden ukulele. Tyler nodded.   
“But mom, please.” Tyler didn't have any arguments. Maybe he would have, but he was too shaken up. “I’m sorry.” he said, but Kelly had already bumped past him and was out the door. Tyler didn’t dare to follow. 

 

The door slammed shut, a clear sign he was to stay where he was. Tyler sighed, his breath wobbling, and he bit back a wail. He leaned his head back as his eyes watered.   
“Stupid, stupid…! Don’t cry.” he whispered to himself. “You deserved it. I hope she throws it away. Burns it.” he muttered, trying to convince himself, even though he knew he was lying. He should have been more careful. Shouldn’t have let Zack see. He wanted to blame Zack too, but it simply wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t blame his mom either, she was doing what was right. Tyler knew he wasn’t allowed to have it, and definitely not hide it. It was just his own fault. He didn’t need the ukulele, anyway. It made him happy, but was it worth it? 

 

When Tyler was younger, his parents got him a keyboard for his birthday because they wanted him to later play piano and organ in the church. Only for that. He was homeschooled at the time, throughout middle school, and after a while they got him a private teacher, when they saw how much he liked it. She was amazing, she taught at a public school too. His parents didn’t know that though, they thought she was just a former player for the church and now retired. Their lessons, which was every weekday night, were the best hour of Tyler’s day for about a year. They’d often practice over time, and Tyler would play psalms for the choir in the church, and he liked that. He liked matching the music to meaningful words. He told his teacher, and she advised him to write his own. So Tyler worked for a long time on many songs, praising the Lord Jesus Christ and telling of the good christian life, and he’s perform them and the gathering would cry sometimes, but when he became fourteen, the lyrics started changing. He was realizing he didn’t want to play basketball anymore, for one. He met kids from public schools and suddenly saw that his ways weren’t the only ones. He was the apple of his parents’ eyes, but to everyone else he was a complete outsider who meant nothing to the world. It felt unfair, then, that this was all he would ever do. Play for the church, play basketball though he found it dull, be worth less than kids his age because of how he lived. So he wrote about that. He felt so horrible about it he flipped the keyboard to the ground, and some of the keys stopped working after that. It was forbidden to raise your voice if not to praise the Lord, and writing about your own problems? Feeling bad for yourself, when you should be using your time for more valuable things, that was a sin. He’d ask the Lord to help him, to help him stop feeling bad for himself like that. He wrote about that too. Everything, he wrote about everything. He’d rarely sing it, but when he did, he’d have to do it so fast because there were so many words. One fateful day, he was practicing in the church with the choir as usual. Though, one of the singers had gotten the hiccups and sat down for a while until it went away. Tyler tried to focus on his playing, but he couldn’t cut the little jumps of the singer from his mind. It was constant, dense, a beat. He stopped playing that way he should for the song, and instead in the pace of that beat in his mind, making the song faster. His mouth started going, because he had memorized his lyrics so well and for so long. Sinful words, going fast and evenly over the piano sound. Closed his eyes, the choir stopped singing. Changed the lyrics and they became darker and darker, they just flowed out from his head as if they had been there forever and were waiting to get out. He stopped when his mom, who always came with to practice, grabbed him by the shoulder and slapped him across the face. Tyler was already crying without noticing it.   
“You will never write anything again and you will never sing again, if not to praise the Lord.” she said, stared at him for a long time until she thundered out. The woman who had started hiccuping looked shocked, and she wasn’t hiccuping anymore. 

 

A year passed and Tyler’s parents pretended that had never happened. It wasn’t a big deal, it was just Tyler going through some weird phase, everyone said. In the summer between middle school and high school however, the story unfolded differently. That was when Tyler told his parents he didn’t want to play basketball anymore. He stood up for himself and explained just how he didn’t find it that much fun anymore, just stressful, and that he wanted to focus on high school now that he would be going to a public one. His parents had agreed to let him do that when he begged them for a long time, but just a small high school. It was exciting still, Tyler would be making some friends, maybe get to know that Jenna girl from church better since his parents wanted him to so badly. It wasn’t a pleasant discussion, his parents were very disappointed, but they weren’t angry. They understood, they listened. They argued, but managed the give in eventually because all they wanted was their son’s happiness. That proved why that question was so different from music. Music was, as proven thus far, the worst thing Tyler could choose to do with his life. If he wasn’t doing it to praise the Lord, at least.

 

Tyler sat down on his bed, exiting the sunset light and going into the shade of the wall below his window. Though, the light reflected in the windowsill on the outside, making a blinding shine hit his eyes. When he kept his head right there, everything else looked blurry and black. He had to squint his eyes against it, and once again the light reflected in his eyelashes, if he stayed in the exact right spot. It made weird light spots dance around the room for him, and uplets upon duplets of those, as if the blackness wasn’t real, but instead the light was. A strange thought, Tyler lied back on his bed with a thud. Tears were tickling at the outer edges of his eyes and then rolled down the sides of his face, probably making gray spots on his white pillow. He was overreacting, he knew that, but he couldn’t help it. At least he wasn’t running off into the woods, that was something. And even if he did, would anyone follow him? Hadn’t someone promised to? Tyler picked up his phone, the screen’s light blinding, and he stared at a text conversation for a minute before locking it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go! I edited it a bit, if anyone noticed, but it's not all too important.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I would love some feedback on this one since it took so long to write. What did you like, what didn't you like, was it boring? I would love to know, I won't get better half as fast without constructive criticism, and this fic is mostly practice for me, so just vomit up your opinions ;-D
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, and for the 1,3k hits and that bunch of kudos I've gotten lately! See you in the next chapter, lovely chickens <3


	12. "Beyond Reach."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh can tell something is up with everyone, but for some reason he can't quite put his finger on what. And as it seems, no one's very keen on telling him either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! 
> 
> This chapter was a little bit of a challenge, but I hope I've wrapped it up okay. I'm trying not to drag the plot out so much, and I need to cover some things before I continue with my other plans, so here's something sort of angsty. It's all been sort of angsty, hasn't it? I promise I'll do some fluff soon! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

Josh felt his legs tense up in a spasm-like movement, followed by them falling back to their normal position in a long, shaky process. They were crossed below him, and now and then throughout the last hour he had been shaking in cold, even though he had his covers over his legs and his window was closed. He didn’t know why, but he had woken up at five, or maybe earlier, and couldn’t fall back asleep. Maybe he was actually getting a fever like his mom said? Though, he didn’t feel very sick. His mind wasn’t swarming, and he wasn’t really worried about anything, but his stomach was fluttering and churning and his legs were still shaking, as well as his entire body from time to time in violent shivers.  
“What?” he whispered to himself, closing his eyes. He was just shaking for no reason, as if he was really nervous about something to come. But...he wasn’t. 

When his teeth started chattering he gave up and stood up from sitting on his bed. Monday morning, he had to go to school. Josh made a check-off list in his head with everything he was to do in the next hour before he went. That usually made him calm down when he was stressed, so maybe that would work now too, even though he didn’t know what he was stressing about. Did he have a test coming up or something? Oh, what if he did? Josh shook the thought away, as checking his schedule was not on his to-do list, and instead pulled on pyjama pants and a hoodie and walked out, hoping he could warm up that way. He was first up, the clock only being half past five, but his mom would come downstairs soon as well, and for the first time, he wasn’t really looking forward to it. For some reason, he didn’t particularly want to see her. Or anyone. Or well, that wasn’t true…

Josh continued with his check-list as by automatic, making cereal for himself and sitting down at the table, in the seat closest to the window, and looking out of it as the sun rose. Most would probably be bothered by the sun hitting them right in the face, but Josh had always enjoyed it. His eyelids looking yellow when he closed his eyes, his hair glittering in red instead of dark, dark brows as a curl or two fell over his forehead now and then. He needed to get it cut, and hopefully pretty soon, before it grew into a big, curly mess that just made him look like an idiot. That had happened before. Someone had said he looked like an idiot, he couldn’t remember who, but he took their word for it and had kept it shorter since. 

 

The wave of cold had passed it seemed, and Ohio was back to a warmer fall. It was the first of October, and some of the neighbors had already put out a pumpkin or two. It always made Josh sad to see, because he had never gone trick-or-treating himself. He didn’t like being scared, obviously, but he liked the idea of Halloween. Kids dressing up and wandering around, all the decorations. Ashley would probably do a pumpkin, and they’d get candy, but that was the extent of the Duns’ Halloween traditions. Josh sighed and his eyes locked on the asphalt underneath him instead until he got to Tyler’s house, which he knew the way to by heart now, pressed the doorbell softly after parking his bike and hummed to himself as he waited. He was early today, he had gotten restless from just waiting around at home. But soon enough the door opened and Tyler’s mom was in front of him, as usual, a smile on her face.  
“Good morning, Joshua.” she beamed, and Josh smiled softly.  
“Morning, Mrs. Joseph. I’m a little early, I know, but is it okay if I wait here? For Tyler, I mean.” he suggested, stumbling slightly on his words and then realising he had been talking for a bit too long.  
“Of course, of course. He’s getting ready, but just take your shoes off and feel at home.” she winked, and Josh nodded, kicking his shoes off as he stepped inside and closed the door after himself. 

To Josh’s relief, Mrs. Joseph disappeared into the kitchen, and he wouldn’t feel so awkward wandering around. Josh had actually never been further in than the doorstep in the Joseph house, so he took in the little things. It smelled like Tyler, and Josh blushed so hard he felt like he was about to pass out when that thought had passed through his head, and desperately tried to focus on something else. They had a few houseplants, blue hydrangea in the window, but they looked to be fake. Josh thought he recalled there being hydrangea outside as well, but those weren’t there anymore. Because of the cold, of course. Because they lived on the same street, their houses were pretty similarly built, and Josh guessed Tyler’s room would be upstairs like his own. Because he wasn’t wearing shoes, he could smoothly sneak up the stairs, barely making a sound, to his own delight.  
“Tyler?” he asked softly, hoping he wasn’t bothering anyone, as well as hoping to find Tyler’s room.  
A door pushed open to his left and Josh jumped a mile into the air, but then recognized his friend.  
“Oh, hey.” Tyler said, a toothbrush sticking out from his mouth.  
“Hey.” Josh responded, swallowing awkwardly. He was pretty early, not just because Tyler was brushing his teeth, but because he wasn’t even fully dressed, only wearing a pair of jeans. “I-I’m a bit early. I, uh... woke up early, so I went early. Sorry.” he apologized, and Tyler smirked before washing his mouth out, then chuckled. Josh furrowed his eyebrows. What was so funny? “What?” he asked unsurely.  
“That was the most Josh-like thing I’ve heard you say.” Tyler said with amusement and Josh thought back. It was pretty true, and embarrassing, but he smiled anyway.  
“Aren’t all the things I say technically Josh-like?” he questioned, and Tyler shrugged, still smiling. He was smiling a lot, that made Josh happy.  
“I guess.” Tyler answered, and walked past him. “Aren’t you sweating to death? We don’t have to go in like fifteen minutes, take your jacket off, if you want.” he then said. Josh’s stomach started doing that annoying, fluttery thing, and he didn’t even know why. It was like he never did.  
“Yeah, makes sense.” he said casually and unzipped his jacket. “Strip-tease.” he muttered, and then froze in his movements. Oh no. Why did he say that?  
“Huh?” Tyler turned around, his eyebrows furrowed.  
“Uh, uhm...it’s- it’s a thing-” he tried, trying desperately to explain that it was-  
“A thing Brendon does.” Tyler filled in, and Josh was surprised, looking at Tyler curiously. “Right? Every time he takes any clothes off, he says strip-tease. Even if it’s just his beanie or something.” Josh nodded at Tyler’s explanation and he laughed, shaking his head. 

At the mention, Josh remembered his and Brendon’s conversation a few weeks ago. They hadn’t said anything about it after that, but what they said was clear in Josh’s head. About him having a crush, which he was only 75% sure wasn’t true. Tyler standing shirtless in front of him didn’t help much with those numbers, and first now did he take in that fact. His throat felt thicker and he tried to tear his eyes away from the other as he picked up a gray button-down shirt from his bed. He was so thin, Josh had never noticed, but he was. Tyler wasn’t very tall, only a bit taller than himself, but he looked lanky anyway. Even his younger brother Zack, whom Josh had caught glance of a number of times, seemed broader. But it really went with Tyler’s personality, somehow. Josh fought to look another way, his gaze holding on to his shoulders, chest, arms.  
“Josh. This is like the thirtieth time you’ve spaced out just looking at me.” Tyler stated and Josh felt his face go red, but laughed to keep the mood light. He could never, ever think anything like that ever again, and neither could he ever let Tyler think he did. He couldn’t even crush on guys, that wasn’t even possible. It was so stupid he couldn’t even think about it anymore.  
“Sorry. It’s Monday morning.” he tried.  
“Well, you’re not wrong there.” Tyler joked, doing the last button, which was by his throat. He had started with the one right below and gone down, and then done the one at the top last. 

After tyler had gotten dressed, the two walked downstairs again and Josh sat down on a chair in the hallway to wait for his friend. As Tyler was putting on his shoes, his mom appeared from the kitchen, placing a bag of lunch by his bag, which was on the floor. Josh wouldn’t usually think much of it, but to his surprise they didn’t speak a word to each other. Actually, they didn’t even look at each other. Tyler didn’t say thank you, and he was usually pretty good at that, Josh recalled. He hoped nothing had happened, maybe he just didn’t notice, or something.  
“Shall we go?” Tyler then asked, swinging his backpack over his shoulder.  
“Yeah, but don’t forget your lunch.” Josh reminded, thinking Tyler just didn’t notice his mom giving to him.  
“I’ll eat at school.” Tyler said after giving the bag a glance, and then walked right out before Josh could say another word. He was close to arguing as he caught up with his friend, but decided to leave it alone. 

In the beginning their bike ride was quiet, Josh felt like they both knew very well why, and Josh was scared to break the tension. Yet, he didn’t want Tyler to feel guilty about it, and he liked talking to him, so he took a step of selfishness and spoke anyway.  
“How was the service yesterday?” he asked curiously. He had stayed home, because sometimes he just didn’t feel like going.  
“Oh, good. Shame you weren’t there, I overslept and my parents were kind of upset.” Tyler snorted, but he didn’t seem to find it that funny. Josh understood.  
“Oh. Well, maybe I’ll come this Sunday.” he smiled and Tyler looked at him weird.  
“Well, you don’t get sick specifically on Sundays, do you?” he asked, and Josh cocked his head to the side.  
“No. I haven’t been sick in ages, my immune system is strong as heck.” he joked, but Tyler’s eyes furrowed.  
“Then...why weren’t you there?” he asked.  
“Oh, uhm...I didn’t feel like going. I mostly go because my parents want me to, and it’s a nice getaway. I don’t think I was ever as...invested as them, or whatever. But I go for the most part, I think.” Josh explained, and Tyler took a second before nodding. Josh felt good about having a conversation, but the moment it was over, he felt that thing nag at him again. He could just ask. Wouldn’t hurt.  
“Did…did you and your mom have a fight?” he asked quietly, so embarrassed to even talk about it he couldn’t look up from the wheel of his bike. Desperately he tried to convince himself it was because he cared about Tyler, which he did. A lot.  
“Um-” Tyler started, and instantly Josh regretted his decision.  
“No, sorry, you don’t have to say.” he insisted as fast as possible, apparently taking Tyler by surprise, as he looked up with eyebrows raised. This made Josh feel even more terrible, and it took all his self-control not to apologize again. He’s just make himself look dumb.  
“Yeah, I don’t know. I’m trying to forget about it. I...I can tell you later.” Tyler suggested and Josh felt relieved, but guilty all the same.  
“Okay.” he accepted, hoping Tyler remembered what he had told him in the forest a few weeks ago. 

Thinking of that, Josh was suddenly washed over with memory. The crisp forest air, the biting cold in his hands, the golden light. Tyler in front of him on a rock or pacing, laughing about something dumb that they were talking about. They had been down there less now that it was getting colder, but sometimes they’d go after school just to check up on it. It was calming and sort of unreal. Afterwards it was like it hadn’t happened somehow, like everything that happened in the woods stayed there. 

Josh and Tyler parked their bikes and started going to their separate classes. It was a shame they were separate, Josh wanted to stay around his friend today. Tyler seemed happy sometimes, but it had become clear something was troubling him in there, in his head. Josh caught himself thinking about giving him a hug, or something, but he couldn’t do that. Didn’t stop him from wanting to, though.  
“Morning, Josh.” Sarah greeted him suddenly, interrupting his thoughts as he approached his classroom. She looked to be at the top of her game as usual.  
“Morning, Sarah.” Josh said back, smiling at her. Something about Sarah’s, and Jenna’s too for that matter, presence just made people around them feel calm. It wasn’t a romantic thing at all, though. It was more...mom-like. Josh wasn’t sure if he was the only one picking it up, but he hoped he wasn’t.  
“You look thoughtful.” he pointed out, but then didn't say any more to it. “How was your weekend?” she then asked instead.  
“Pretty good, I slept too much but otherwise I’m good.” he shrugged and she nodded understandingly. “Yours?”  
Suddenly Sarah’s face turned pale and she looked down quickly to quickly become red. Josh almost laughed, but left it alone with a grin. Obviously it had been fun, as she was trying not to smile.  
“Oh, um...I- or well, Brendon managed to pull me to this party. He and Dallon, that is. It was pretty fun, but I’m not really used to their type of partying, you know? But it was fun. It was…” she babbled, and Josh raised an eyebrow.  
“...fun?” he filled in and she laughed and nodded. Josh couldn’t help but be extremely curious as to what she had gotten up to. He could ask Brendon about it later. 

The class continued on and ended eventually. Brendon came rushing at them afterwards as usual, Dallon following him with his calm, knowing expression. Brendon smirked and gave Josh a quick hug as a greeting, something he was quickly getting used to.  
“Hello.” he said, accepting having Brendon’s arm around his shoulder as they caught up. “You seem cheerful.” Josh pointed out to his friend, who was leaning toward him.  
“Me? Not really. Or well, yeah, I’m good.” Brendon responded, flicking his eyes around suddenly. This was unlike him, and Josh got confused.  
“Right...well, I heard you were at a party this weekend. Sarah told me.” he continued, wondering what his friends were up to that they weren’t telling him. Sarah had been acting weird too, hadn’t she?  
“She- um, she did? Honestly though, when am I not at a party on the weekend? It wasn’t even that much of a party.” Brendon explained, obviously trying not to sound suspicious. Josh wasn’t stupid, not all the time, and Brendon was apparently a pretty bad liar. But it wasn’t any of his business. Didn’t make him less curious, though. Josh looked at Dallon, who was smirking at the ground. Okay, now it was getting ridiculous.  
“Anyway, we’re in history.” Brendon finished, checking his phone for the time probably and letting go of Josh’s shoulders. “Bye, Sarah. Jenna.” he said, waving the girls off awkwardly, and they giggled to themselves as they left. It had been a while since Josh felt this frozen out. 

As they walked through the corridor toward their next class, he caught glimpse of Tyler at the end of it. Josh tried desperately to stand out so that they could make eye contact, suddenly missing the company of Tyler. Still, he didn’t really want to tell him what was going on either. That wasn’t any of Josh’s business, and neither was whatever was going on with everyone else, but he wanted it to be. He wanted to know. Tyler had said he’d tell him later, but Josh would just feel bad for pushing him to it. Maybe it was best to leave him be for now, with whatever was going on in his head. No, that was a terrible thought. Josh didn’t want to leave Tyler alone at all. But it seemed Tyler wanted him to. 

History was fine, Mr. G made all their classes sort of fun. History had been one of Josh’s worst subjects before, but this proved that it was mostly just the teachers that made it dull. Still, his mind was elsewhere. What had Tyler and his mom fought about? He didn’t seem like the rebellious type. Josh’s parents could be annoyed with him if they found out he listened to heavy music or did bad in school, but Tyler did neither of those things. Hadn’t he mentioned before that they were upset with him not playing basketball? No, that was a long time ago. He didn’t care as much about what it was about as he cared about cheering Tyler up. He had been happy when they met, or so it seemed, but when Josh mentioned the thing he had instantly become gloomy. So it was his own fault…  
“Josh, you have plenty of time to think about Tyler after class.” Dallon’s voice suddenly came from next to him, as he leaned over his desk. Josh was too surprised to say anything, feeling his face heat up as he looked at Dallon’s honest, gray eyes.  
“How-” he started, and Dallon smirked.  
“Your face. Always the same when you think about him.” Dallon explained, and Josh sighed. He knew he was a pretty bad liar, and Dallon had proved himself at multiple occasions to be good at reading people. If anything, there wasn’t a lot Josh could hide from him.  
“Aren’t you alert…” he muttered, leaning his head on his arms. Dallon sighed and nudged his hand on his shoulder as support. Josh wasn’t sure what Dallon was thinking, but he appreciated the touch all the same.  
“He has that effect, I think. I mean, I never knew him myself but B-” Dallon stopped himself when the teacher gave him a glance, and the two boys leaned back in their seats. Josh was curious as to what he was about to say. 

Students were on edge of their seats when the class ended, exiting the classroom before Mr. G could excuse them. Josh would usually wait until everyone had gone, whether he wanted to or not, but now he was pulled into the stream by his friends, making him awkwardly stumble and bubble with laughter, barely holding onto his things.  
“Okay so listen everyone.” Brendon started as the girls came walking down the hall and they all approached their lockers. “Can you guess who’s the luckiest fucker you know and who’s going to be everyone’s favourite person at this shit school?” he asked, and Josh figured everyone were rolling their eyes at the same time.  
“Wild guess, a long shot because you’re terrible, but you?” Jenna tried, and Josh snorted at her.  
“Yes, and do you know why?” Brendon continued, and he was taking too long as Josh was suddenly slipping from listening. 

This was also because he once more caught glance of Tyler as he walked past their backs. Josh looked at his eyes, hoping to catch them and somehow get to speak to him, make sure he knew...he wanted to talk to him. But Tyler walked on, even turning his head away. At this, Josh felt his heart drop in his chest. What had he done wrong? Quickly he started fidgeting his hands, going back to everything the two had said to each other today. Their last conversation had been that morning before they split to their classes and Tyler said he’d tell him what was wrong later. Maybe he was upset Josh had even asked, he should have noticed it was none of his business when he and his mom had that tension between them. Oh, Josh should have noticed and stayed out of it, he was being way too pushy too fast. He had been warned that Tyler preferred to be alone, he never knew why. Maybe it was just that everyone were horrible to him, couldn’t keep from sticking their noses in his life. And Josh had thought he was so lucky, he thought there was something there, that he was somehow special and that he could get to know Tyler on a level no one else had. Just because they met in a dark forest. That was selfish. 

“Josh, are you okay?” Jenna suddenly asked and he noticed everyone were looking at him weird. Dallon with a little more concern, and Josh swallowed.  
“Yeah.” he said. Guilt was eating him up.  
“Are you sure? You look a bit pale.” Brendon asked, holding a hand over his forehead.  
“I’m good, thanks. Just got lost in a thought.” he admitted. “What were you saying?” he asked instead, and Brendon’s eyes lit up.  
“Oh Josh, now he’d going to say it all again…” Sarah groaned and Josh couldn’t help but laugh.  
“My parents are gone over the weekend before Halloween.” he said and Josh raised an eyebrow. Brendon did the same, and it clicked.  
“You’re having a party at your house.” he filled in, and Brendon nodded. Josh felt nervous.  
“Everyone are invited. If I don’t see you there, I’m coming to your house and dragging you to mine myself.” he instructed, and Josh furrowed his eyebrows.  
“Not weird at all.” Sarah flicked in and everyone chuckled.  
“I don’t know-” Josh started, looking at the ground, feeling trapped in a corner.  
“Come on, please. Just for a minute.” Brendon begged, and Josh couldn’t help but find his puppy-eyes convincing.  
“Maybe I’ll swing by, if I’m not busy.” he agreed and Brendon grinned wider than ever. 

They went to lunch and Josh tried not to space out again, though he found himself looking around for Tyler pretty much constantly. Why was it so hard for them to just be at the same place at the same time in school? They were friends, right? Josh hoped so, though Tyler seemed to avoiding him. It probably had to do with his other friends too. Tyler and Brendon were polar opposites, they probably didn’t get along at all. Though hadn’t someone mentioned them somewhat knowing each other before? Josh wondered what happened there. Maybe something similar to what was happening to him right now.  
“Brendon, can I talk to you for a second?” he asked as they were exiting the cafeteria, Brendon just about to rush off with everyone. He shared a look with Dallon that somehow seemed to tell something he couldn’t read, as they split up.  
“Yes?” he asked, radiating energy as always.  
“It’s about Tyler.” Josh warned, starting to feel embarrassed with how much he was talking about him.  
“Yes.” Brendon agreed again, luckily seeming curious.  
“I don’t know...I think he’s been avoiding me today. I don’t want to talk about him behind his back or anything, but he seemed to have had some fight with his mom and I think I went too far when asking about it, and-” Josh babbled, feeling more and more stressed as he talked about it. It was a mix of the situation at hand as well as telling Brendon, even though he knew he was very good to talk to.  
“Hey, hey, calm down. It’s okay.” Brendon enthused, grabbing a hold of Josh’s hand, which took him enough by surprise to distract him. “I’m sure you haven’t done anything wrong. It probably has more to do with Ty and his mom than it does with you. The guy’s good at being alone, believe me, I’ve been around him since kindergarten. Just...okay, don’t take this too hard. Josh, I know you like him - in whatever way - but he’s not just a simple person you can befriend in a month or two and then know everything about.” Brendon sighed, as if it was hard for him to say. Josh was confused, as Brendon was saying this as if he would know. Which he must, then.  
“I know.” Josh said and Brendon met his eyes, giving his hand a squeeze. Josh twitched. Since when did guys casually hold hands in conversation? Though, this was Brendon Urie.  
“Okay. What I’m saying is...he’s not hurt by being left alone.” Brendon said and Josh frowned. “Yes, I know it’s weird, I hate seeing people alone. Why do you think I showered you with affection the day I met you?” Josh laughed at this. “But still. If you can’t reach him, don’t feel bad. Not a lot of people can.”  
Josh thought. Couldn’t you? He asked Brendon in his head, looking into his eyes. He was sure there was something he wasn’t being told, about more things than one. It was getting frustrating, almost. 

At the end of the day, Josh decided to wait for Tyler by their bikes, although the day had gotten drastically colder and he was now shivering in his thin jacket. It didn’t matter what Brendon said, and it didn’t matter that he wasn’t special enough to truly befriend Tyler Joseph, he could still be polite. Soon enough the familiar face showed up through the gates of the school entrance, ten minutes after everyone else had gone. He was struggling to put a book into his bag as he walked and didn’t see Josh before he said something.  
“Hey.” Josh greeted and Tyler looked up, surprised.  
“Hey. Did you wait for me?” he asked, zipping his backpack and swinging it over his shoulder.  
“Yeah, figured I would.” Josh said and they stood still instead of hopping onto their bikes, as a topic hung in the air. “Listen, Tyler. I’m, uh...I’m sorry if I- if I stepped over a line or something this morning. It wasn’t my business.” he apologized, trying hard not to mutter or look away.  
“Huh? Oh, that. It’s okay, I forgot about it.” Tyler shrugged, and Josh was surprised.  
“What? Well, then...why…” he said, fighting with himself over what to say. Now he had absolutely no idea why Tyler would have ignored him, or if he had even done that or if it was just Josh’s imagination.  
“Why what?” Tyler asked curiously, and Josh felt guilty.  
“It just...it felt a bit like you ignored me today. But it’s okay, I guess I imagined it.” Josh said under his breath, even more embarrassed than before.  
“Oh. Sorry. It might have been because of what you said...about the church thing.” Tyler said quietly, and Josh looked up. Suddenly things fell into place. 

Josh had mentioned that morning that he hadn’t gone to church because he didn’t want to. Tyler had said something about thinking he was sick, as if that was the only he reason he couldn’t go. Maybe Tyler was for some reason concerned with the fact they weren’t equally religious? Josh hoped he didn’t, because he didn’t mind at all. But Tyler’s mind worked in a different way, it seemed.  
“Oh.” Josh hummed, unsure of what to say next. Or, he knew what he wanted to say, but all of those things weren’t good enough. Mainly, why did that bother Tyler? “So...so you did avoid me.” he said quietly.  
“It’s a long story. Can we go home?” Tyler asked and Josh frowned. He was tired of being left out of things. What were these long stories all about? How could they be too long for him to hear them? What was Sarah so embarrassed about after that party? Why was Brendon acting so weird about it, too? What could Dallon see in Josh’s face when he thought of people, and how the hell did Brendon know Tyler so well, and not anymore?  
“Tyler.” Josh spoke sternly, more so than ever before, maybe. Tyler looked confused, but stubborn. “What’s going on?” he asked him, hoping Tyler would understand what he meant. Tyler sighed.  
“A lot of things. I can’t tell you everything. It has nothing to with you.” Tyler answered, unlocking his bike and starting to walk away with it. Josh followed promptly.  
“I have time. I hate being left out.” he spoke, not recognizing this desperate tone and choice of words in himself.  
“I get that, but I don’t want to talk about it. And you can’t make me.” Tyler argued back.  
“Why? You know I won’t tell anyone, you already know that about me. I just want to know.” Josh begged, and Tyler whipped around.  
“Why? Why do you want to know everything so bad suddenly? You can’t just come to this school and befriend twenty different people and then try to figure out all their lives in a month. Because we don’t want to tell you.” Tyler explained, and Josh felt his throat grow thick. Oh, he wasn’t actually going to cry, was he? Tyler was right, as always. Josh, always sticking his nose in other people’s business. And he couldn’t stop now, either.  
“You were friends with Brendon, right? He’s the same. Won’t say a word to me. I hate it.” Josh muttered.  
“Josh, why do you want to know?” Tyler asked with determination, though he was now a step away from biking away. Josh thought.  
“Because I care about you.” he said quietly, looking down at the ground in shame. It was just the truth. Tyler was quiet.  
“Tough luck.” he then said suddenly, and Josh looked up. He had expected a kinder answer. “You should care about someone, anyone, else but me.” and then he biked down the road. Josh felt cold rain on his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, that was that! How will our hero solve this crisis? Will Tyler ever trust Josh fully? Will Josh ever know what he and Brendon have between them? And why was Sarah acting so awkward? This is a slow burn so...stay around a dozen more chapters to find out lmao
> 
> No but seriously, how was this? It was written over the course of a few seperate days and occasions, so I hope it all came together good. If it did or if it didn't, I'd love to hear your opinion! Anyway, on to some more cheerful and self-promoting news, I just posted the first chapter on another fic that I've had in my drive for a while collecting dust, so I'm brushing it up and putting it out there. I'm calling it "Down on the Farm" because honestly, it's such a weird concept. Josh is not the shy, kind and innocent soul he is here, but instead a sort of stuck-up rich kid who's being sent off to a farm in Arizona for a break from social media and all. It's gonna be a wild ride, I think. I'd love it if you checked it out! Thank you babes and I'll see you soon! :-D


	13. "Emotions."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon has a Halloween party, and Josh would rather be anywhere else. Sarah has a confession, and Josh's morals are put to the test.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays and new year everyone! If it's not a holiday for you, I hope you're having a great week! 
> 
> There's going to be a bunch of other characters in this one since it's a party and all, like other band people, and if you're not really into that don't worry, they're mostly just for this chapter except maybe getting mentioned a little ;-) 
> 
> Hope you like it! It took a while to write but it's here!

Josh sighed at the rain washing down the window, the sound ringing in his ears clearly enough for him not to hear a person entering his house, talking to his mother and then approaching his room. First when the door swung open he fell of his desk chair, almost bringing his laptop with him down.  
“Hello!” Sarah grinned wider than ever, and Josh wondered what on Earth had gotten into her. She was usually not a person to storm in like that.  
“How did you know where I live?” he asked, but then realized. “Brendon told you.”  
“Yeah, and I am here to help you.” she nodded matter-of-factly.  
“With what, exactly?” Josh asked, standing up from the floor. Sarah was beaming, but that only made him feel even more depressed.  
“The man himself sent me on a mission to help you hype for tonight. And also find a costume, since you apparently don’t have one.” she explained and Josh sighed, shaking his head.  
“I’m not going. I already decided.” he said and crossed his arms over his chest.  
“Bullshit, you’re part of the family.” Sarah responded, and Josh was surprised at her confidence when she was usually more...willing to listen.  
“The...the family?” he questioned as she put her hands on her hips and looked around his room.  
“Yeah, it’s sort of...the dynamic of our squad or whatever. You’re the baby.” she smiled and went over to sit down on his bed. Josh sat back down on his desk chair.  
“I’m the baby?” he questioned again, still as wondrous but grumpy.  
“Yes. Brendon’s the annoying little brother, Dallon’s the responsible and mature big brother. Me and Jenna are the moms.” Sarah giggled, hopefully knowing that what she was saying was ridiculous.  
“Sure. The family.” he nodded. It was actually sort of cute. But he didn’t want to be the baby. “Anyway, why am I going to this party again?”  
“Oh come on, Josh. Because it’ll be fun. There’s gonna be lots of people-” Josh interrupted with a bit of a glare. That wasn’t a compelling argument and Sarah knew that. “And it’s not gonna be terrible. Listen to some music, Brendon’s buddy Jack from another school is DJing, apparently he’s a fun guy. Dance a little. Live a little, instead of looking out the rainy window thinking about…” Sarah stopped herself and they shared a look. “Anyway, I’m also here to help you decide what to wear. It’s a costume party, after all.”  
“I’m not wearing a costume.” Josh said, feeling himself blush. He’d just feel stupid, he felt stupid for even having to say it. Sarah glared at him.  
“I’m getting the feeling I won’t be able to change your mind about that one.” she went on, sitting down on his bed.  
“Nope. We’ll compromise. I’ll go if I don’t have to wear a costume.” Josh said and Sarah’s eyes seeme to light up.  
“Deal!” 

Sarah continued with talking about everyone she knew who’d be at the party, and because Josh had no idea who any of them were, she had to explain that too. This Jack who was in charge of the music was a wild one, apparently. Brendon had doubted he’d be able to keep him sober enough, and Sarah seemed to believe it as she said it. He had a few friends with him from his school too, and then some. Sarah went on, and Josh started getting reminded of that left out feeling he got sometimes when he spoke to his friends. However, Sarah’s expression changed suddenly.  
“Then there’s this girl Elizabeth Woolridge Grant. Goes to a private school further down south.” she sighed, but trying to sound happy. She also said this girl’s name in a posh accent, bringing Josh to believe she was foreign.  
“Is she british?” he asked curiously. He couldn’t remember meeting anyone british before, he had never heard the accent in real life.  
“No, she’s southern. Her and Brendon’s families are friends or something. Honestly, I know nada about her. He seems to like her though.” Sarah explained, looking thoughtful. Josh wasn’t sure if she was acting or not. He waited a moment to consider before asking about it.  
“Does...that bother you?” he asked, and he had already figured out where this conversation could go. Or at least what it was about. It made him worried. Especially when Sarah shrugged. He couldn’t keep his mind down and spoke it. “You like him.” he blurted, and Sarah looked up at him in shock, her face turning red.  
“Don’t tell anyone that.” she ordered, and Josh laughed.  
“Like I would. Who would I tell?” he rolled his eyes and Sarah smiled. “Anyway, do you mind telling me about it? I’m curious now.” Josh switched from sitting on his desk chair to his bed, leaning back against the wall. 

Then Sarah started explaining her feelings for Brendon Urie. As she spoke, Josh realized it had always been obvious. They were close, and Sarah seemed to always do everything in her power to understand him and do what was best for him. She wasn’t even trying to impress him, or make him notice her, or any of those things Josh and everyone else in the world would do when having a crush. It only proved she was genuine, and that she had had feelings for Brendon for a long time. Or at least that they had known each other for a long time.  
“I feel terrible for saying I had no idea.” Josh finished. Sarah looked relieved.  
“Well, that’s good. Means I’m a good actress.” she winked. “Now, you have to tell me something. About any interests of yours.” Sarah smirked, and Josh groaned.  
“Are we kindergarteners?” he questioned.  
“Well you are, you’re the baby.” she responded. Josh shrugged.  
“Touché. Well, I’m bitter about it.” he sighed, resting his head back against the wall. Sarah gasped and straightened her sitting position.  
“So you do like someone? Who? You’re so new here, who could it- oh. Oh, God.” Sarah bubbled, and Josh had to smile at how clearly he could see her mind churning as she figured it out. “Am I the only straight person in this damn town? Honestly.”  
“I don’t have a crush on him, but...I don’t know. I just...I care about him. And worry about him, and I feel jealous sometimes.” he explained and Sarah nodded as if she understood perfectly, and Josh was somehow surprised and grateful at the same time. She wasn’t teasing him about it. Probably because she too, liked her friend as more than a friend.  
“Yeah. I can say the same as you, I can’t believe I hadn’t figured it out. And...it- um, you knew? That you weren’t straight, I mean?” she asked. Josh felt uneasy, realizing he jumped head-first into this confession.  
“No, no, I don’t even know if I’m not. He’s unique.” Josh explained desperately.  
“Sorry buddy, but to my experience, the more you think about it the more clear it becomes.” Sarah shrugged.  
“Right.” Josh sighed as what she said made sense. “Well, I would probably worry more about that if Brendon wasn’t around.” he admitted.  
“Yeah, Mr. What The Hell Is A Preference has that effect. Imagine what we’d do without the guy.” Sarah thought out loud, looking like she was dreaming herself away.  
“He’s pretty weird, but he’s a good friend, isn’t he?” Josh suggested.  
“He is, you’re going to see more of that.” she assured.  
Josh swallowed. “Though, he says...or well, he sort of says that I shouldn’t worry about leaving Tyler alone. That he prefers it, or whatever…” Josh thought out, and suddenly Sarah was an objective perspective. He talked to Brendon about Tyler, and then talked to Sarah about talking to Brendon about Tyler. What a horrible person he was.  
“Bullshit.” Sarah said suddenly. Josh perked up. “That’s bullshit. Brendon’s stubborn. No one wants to be that alone.” she muttered. Josh titled his head slightly.  
“What do you mean that-” he was interrupted by himself, realizing he didn’t want to know anything about Tyler he couldn’t find out as his friend. “Nevermind.”  
“I think we can help each other figure this out, Josh.” Sarah smiled reassuringly, and Josh nodded. 

They continued hanging out for a while, with the interruption of Josh’s mom asking if they wanted lunch. Apparently she and Sarah had met each other downstairs, and his mother looked overly fondly at his friend. It made Josh uneasy, because he knew what she was thinking. Sarah didn’t seem to, she mostly enjoyed being liked. The whole ordeal made Josh realize how far he had come from his parents in the two months he had gone to this school, everything they didn’t know. Usually he’d keep close to them, telling them everything that went down in his life. Now they had barely met his friends, they had no idea he was going to a party, and they sure didn’t know he was questioning his sexuality over a kid who hadn’t talked to him in a week and who they wanted him to befriend so badly. He knew the kid though, he knew more about him than what, according to everyone, was possible. But lately, he had been wondering if he truly knew anything else what he had learned the first time they met. The fact he was willing to run off into the woods, for a reason he didn’t quite know. He could only imagine. He remembered when Tyler got close to telling him, but instead he had spaced out and cried. Thinking about it still made Josh’s heart clench in his chest with guilt. Then he had promised to stay by his side. That was dumb, they barely knew each other. And that was unfair. He wanted to know Tyler, he wanted to know everything about him, and keep him for himself, somehow. But he also wanted him to be able to hang out with him and his other friends more. There was so much he wanted, it was becoming sinful. 

Sarah went home after a couple of hours, and Josh was left alone again. That felt nice, he felt like he needed to charge up before going to any parties. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy her company, in fact he thought he enjoyed it more now that they had something in common they could talk about. Both, in varied degree, liked one of their best friends and could do practically nothing about it. Brendon was busy, it was quite obvious he had no intention of settling down anytime soon, and Josh hoped for her sake she wouldn’t take any risks and get her heart broken. At least his return of feelings was impossible, because the likelyness of Tyler liking guys, and liking Josh, were minimal. Impossible. But he wasn’t heartbroken over that, he could live with a dumb crush. It would pass, probably. It was true what he and Sarah had said about Brendon, that if he wasn’t around, Josh would be way far off about his new feelings. Thanks to that guy, who had talked him out of lesser panic about catching feelings for a boy multiple times in just the last two weeks, made him realize it didn’t matter. Who you liked didn’t matter as much as having feelings for someone at all. That’s what his focus should be.  
“Josh! Dinner’s ready!” his father called from the stairs and Josh sighed.  
“Coming!” he answered and stood up from his bed. Now was the time to tell his family about the party. He had decided to tell them the truth. Because he wasn’t going to do anything stupid, and that would make them let him go to more things in the future if he wanted. 

The family gathered around the table and Josh looked down at his food. Before everyone had sat down and were still getting food, his mother brushed her hand on his back.  
“Sweetie, are you doing okay?” she asked kindly and Josh furrowed his eyebrows.  
“Yeah, why?” he asked back, and she seemed at loss of words slightly.  
“Oh, you just...it seems you’ve been a little down lately.” she smiled. Josh realized she was probably right. His feelings had been on his mind a lot, and those weren’t always cheerful. He had been getting cynical, hadn’t he?  
“No, I’m fine. But mom, my friend Brendon, you know Brendon that I’ve mentioned?” he went for it, and his mother listened curiously. “He’s having this Halloween thing. Party, or whatever. It’s going to be pretty chill though.” he explained and his mom’s eyes grew worried, but then she seemed to weigh the suggestion. He hoped she wouldn’t ask his dad, he wasn’t always as easily persuaded.  
“Well, yes. That sounds fun. It’ll cheer you up.” she then decided, and Josh felt a sudden rush of happiness. He hadn’t originally been so keen on going, but maybe it wouldn’t be terrible, and now he wouldn’t feel guilty.  
“Thanks, mom. I’ll be home by eleven.” he promised, hoping to impress her a little.  
“Hm...midnight is fine, sweetheart.” she winked and Josh grinned gratefully. 

He left the table early after finishing his meal, and went up to the bathroom to shower and get ready. He wasn’t going to do anything dramatic, but he tried his hair with Ashley’s dryer so that it became a fluffy mess, and after that he could style it a little bit. Usually he’d let it go wherever it wanted, pretty much, and it tended to fall over his forehead a little bit. All the time, actually. When he brushed it back and with gel made it stay there, he realized he hadn’t looked that way in a while. He looked older. It was good. Then he brushed his teeth, just because, and found some fairly casual clothes. A black button down he had gotten for a funeral a year or two back worked, it somewhat went with the Halloween thing, and black jeans. Brendon and Dallon wore black skinny jeans all the time, which he didn’t quite understand at first as it seemed uncomfortable, but maybe he found it pretty cool now. At times like these, he wished he had some. Still, he shook the thought off. If he was rebelling, he was going to do it gradually. Suddenly his phone rang, the familiar tune of What’s My Age Again? blasting through the little speaker(in Brendon Urie’s making and persuasion. Just for old times sake, he said. It was a month ago, maybe one and a half, that they played that song). Josh leaned over and picked up after reading the name on the screen. Speak of the devil, he thought.  
“Hello Mr. Dun, are you ready to get the fuck down?” Brendon spoke in a posh accent and Josh snorted.  
“Sure. When should I come over?” he asked, brushing his hand along his chin. Slowly, he was getting slightly stubbly. But he wasn’t going to look like an idiot trying to grow it out, but he didn’t need to shave yet.  
“Uh, eight’s good. Hey, I had this idea you’re going to hate. Wanna hear?” Brendon asked excitedly and Josh hummed a grin, thinking how that was a very Brendon thing to ask. At least he was self-aware.  
“Mm-hm.” he answered, walking out of the bathroom and back to his own.  
“Why don’t you text Tyler?” Brendon asked and Josh sighed quietly. “I know you guys haven’t really talked in a little while but honestly, I think you’re being paranoid and although he’ll probably say no, I think he’d appreciate it.”  
“You think a lot, don’t you?” Josh challenged and sat down on his bed.  
“Never when I’m supposed to, but yes.”  
“I’ll try it. I’ll see you at eight.” Josh decided, knowing Brendon was good with people. Plus, he did miss Tyler. He couldn’t let them have a fall-out when they had barely had a fall-in. That...sounded weird. 

 

Josh leaned back against his bed and checked the time again. He’d leave in an hour, maybe a bit less. He didn’t want to be too early, but rather that than walk in on a big mess of a thousand kids pushing around drunkenly. There weren’t actually going to be a thousand, hopefully. And hopefully not too drunk, though Josh wouldn’t be surprised. He was sure he could handle it, though. If nothing else, he could leave early. Instead of thinking about that, he opened his conversation with Tyler. The last one was a “goodnight” from himself, two weeks ago. Josh managed to lock the phone and then open it again once or twice before actually starting to write anything, murmuring to himself to stop.  
“Hey.” he typed out, and considered inviting him instantly, but decided then it was best to make sure Tyler was even up for a conversation first. Josh was strangely nervous, something he was familiar with. And the more time went on, which ended up being ten minutes of mindless staring at the screen and regretting even writing anything, the more nervous he got. Still, at last, a response popped up.  
“Hey.” Tyler responded, nothing else. Josh understood he wasn’t exactly interested, but he wanted to believe he was curious as to why he had texted him at all.  
“I’m going to this little Halloween party thing, nothing dramatic-” Josh thought, and then erased the last bit. He couldn’t lie, it was going to be anything but nothing dramatic. “I was just wondering if you knew about it.” he finished and sent, and then hurried to fill in. “And if you’re thinking about going.”  
Once more it took a while before Tyler responded, the gray bubble of him writing appearing and disappearing a couple of times.  
“Who’s having it?” he asked, and Josh really wished he hadn’t.  
“Brendon.” he responded truthfully.  
This time Tyler was quicker to answer. “Think I’ll pass, thanks.”  
Josh sighed, leaning his head back. He hadn’t expected Tyler to say yes, but he had hoped he’d be less blunt about it. Though the text may look polite, given the situation, it didn’t really feel that way. Josh wondered where it all went wrong for the two of them, not just this conversation, but in general. He missed him.  
“Okay, just asking. See you in school.” 

The hour felt long and dreadful, and Josh felt like he wanted to go to that party and forget himself at the same time as just lying under his covers in his bed and never moving again in his life, both at the same time. It was exhausting, to say the least, but when he time came he was grateful to get up.  
“I’ll be going now.” he told his parents as he passed them in the living room.  
“Where?” Ashley asked, appearing from the basement stairs.  
“Brendon’s.” Josh responded simply.  
“Have fun, Josh!” his mom called and Josh nodded, smiling, as he stepped back into the hallway. Without another word he put on his shoes, wrapped a jacket around himself and left his house. The evening was warm, warmer than usual for October, and Josh wondered if they’d get a winter at all. He remembered a few weeks ago when the mornings had been so cold that there was traces of frost and he had to wear a beanie. Tyler had that big, white scarf that made only his nose and eyes visible, as well as his fluffy hair of course. Though adorable, he had looked bitter. The thought made Josh smile against his will. 

Luckily, so far there was no music pumping from Brendon’s house, which Josh was grateful for. Not only for himself, but the neighbors. He lived in an apartment, so Josh could imagine they may have gotten complaints before. He saw a couple of people enter the building, both about his age, and Josh realized he couldn’t recognize them. Sarah had mentioned people from other schools were coming, and it was sort or nerve-wracking. Josh barely knew the names of half the people in his own classes, how were these people going to be? He realized he had stopped in his tracks when a person suddenly stood next to him.  
“Hey, Josh.” Sarah smiled, and Josh turned to see her and Jenna, and he felt his body involuntarily jump back. The girls giggled, making their creepy costumes less creepy. Jenna had gone for somewhat of a corpse bride, except she was still blonde instead of blue-haired, but with dark shadows around her eyes and paler skin, as well as the violent patches in varying degree of red on her skin and dress, she was intimidating. Sarah was a little bit more laid-back with a typical pirate costume, though with more...blood and flesh-wounds. It reminded him of Pirates of the Caribbean.  
“Hey. I was only a little bit scared.” he tried, but they just nodded.  
“Glad you could come. But I’m freezing, so let’s actually go inside.” Jenna suggested and Josh nodded. He was thankful he wasn’t being questioned about not having a costume, but guessed Sarah had told Jenna about it. He didn’t mind. 

Upon entering the apartment, he felt his stomach churning as he walked amongst the people. It had been few times he had been at parties, but he had probably never been to one as big as this one. Still, there weren’t that many people. So far it was bright, people were chatting over a drink, all wearing costumes of some sort. Josh was now starting to feel a bit like an outcast, and started regretting not doing at least something. But he didn’t want to look dumb anyway, and he would if he even tried, so what was the use of regret anyway? Sarah disappeared to find Brendon, and Josh noticed he and both Jenna wished her good luck with a certain tone, making them look at each other curiously. Josh shrugged.  
“She told me about it.” he explained, thinking Jenna would get it. She did, responding with a smile.  
“Right. How about you, then?” Jenna continued, a rather smug smile on her face. Josh realized what she meant before she had said anything more and he groaned, leaning his head back.  
“Do you two keep anything from each other?” he asked, looking at her tiredly. He wasn’t in love with Tyler Joseph, was it such a big deal he had a minor, very minor, crush on the guy? Okay, maybe it was, because everyone, including himself, hadn’t known he could get feelings for a guy. He blamed Brendon, he brought all this...all this sexuality on him. It was unfair, he wished he had seen it coming. But he wasn’t bothering Tyler anymore anyway, so it didn’t matter who he caught feelings for. He could catch feelings for anyone. Or so he could tell himself to feel better, in the least.  
“No.” Jenna shook her head, giggling softly. “But Josh, you know your secret’s safe with me? I literally have no one to tell. And it’s really cute, it seems like he’s fond of you.”  
Josh twitched at this. “No, we’re not really talking right now. I...I somewhat walked over a line, and then we just stopped. I knew he was sensitive so- I don’t know, Jenna. Don’t dwell in it. Also, Tyler’s straight.”  
“How could you possibly know that?” Jenna scoffed, and Josh was bothered that was the thing she picked up. Also like she’d know?  
“Oh come on, like he wouldn’t be.” Josh sighed. Jenna didn’t say anything more, and he took as a sign she agreed with him. 

Soon Brendon appeared from between the groups of people, Sarah following closely. Now that Josh knew Sarah liked him, he couldn’t help but watch her as he spoke. She was a good actress, of course he was only saying normal things now, but he could still see how oblivious he was.  
“Glad you’re here, pal. Wouldn’t be the same without you.” Brendon grinned, giving Josh a tight hug.  
“You mean me, the most blue person in this group right now?” Josh questioned.  
“Oh, you’re blue for now, but believe me when I say you’ll be green at the end of this.” Brendon nodded and grinned as if he knew something Josh didn’t. Which he did, he had proven that multiple times.  
“Sure. So, who are- or, how do you know everyone?” Josh asked, and suddenly he was being pulled away, leaving his other friends behind. 

Brendon continued with walking him through the groups of people around, introducing him simply. Some he knew from school, they smiled and shook his hand or said something nice, like complimenting his shirt. He appreciated it.  
“I think Brendon’s mentioned you, yeah.” a guy taller than himself said. He had expressive eyes, Josh took note. He introduced himself as Alex, and his girlfriend as Lisa. Brendon continued on, giving a wave over to a couple of short guys, one with an intimidating look on his face and one of purity and kindness. Somehow they worked together. They introduced themselves as Pete and Patrick, and Josh couldn’t help but wonder if they were dating, because they seemed perfect for each other from what he could see. Zack, Anna, Hayley, Adam. There were a lot of people he couldn’t quite keep in his memory for now, but they ten came to who was to be in charge of the music, Jack. His hair was a mess of black and blonde and bangs, but his eyes were sweet.  
“Josh, this is my buddy Jack. Jack, this is Josh Dun.” Brendon presented, bowing a little. Jack smiled sunshine-like and stepped away from the laptop on the table.  
“Nice to meet you, dude.” he beamed, and Josh was overwhelmed with his happiness. His smile, too. Oh no, he wasn’t actually starting to casually find guys attractive now? How was this happening? It was like Sarah had said, the more you think about it…  
“Yeah, nice to meet you. You’re in charge of music, yeah?” he asked and suddenly realized Brendon was slipping away through the people.  
“Mm-hm, that’s me. Personally asked.” Jack confirmed proudly, stepping back behind his laptop. Josh followed unsurely. Right now he was playing a band he hadn’t heard of, Nothing But Thieves. Josh recognized the song, somehow.  
“That can’t be too hard.” he tried, and Jack shrugged.  
“No, but you can be bad at it. Someone else might play the same artist twice in a row or something. And this ain’t a club, I’m not playing house until people get drunk and feel like dancing.” he laughed, Josh did too, surprisingly interested in what he was saying.  
“And of course, knowledge of music is required, then.” he finished, and Jack agreed. “What’s your favourite song right now?” he asked, and Jack seemed like he had asked him if he’d rather have the plague or cholera. Understandable, asking a musical person to choose one song out of the thousand they knew.  
“I’m liking American Money by Borns.” Jack then said, and searched the song up, putting it in the queue. “Now it’ll play in about twenty minutes.” he laughed.

They talked for a bit before Brendon reappeared, handing his friend a can of what looked like beer. Lucky for Josh, he didn’t get anything. Brendon knew him, he didn’t even have to ask.  
“Thank you, babe.” Jack said, opening the can and taking a sip whilst scrolling around on his laptop. Josh barely reacted at the nickname, he wasn’t surprised.  
“No problem. Anyway Josh, can I steal you away?” Brendon asked, bumping his shoulder to his. Brendon was dressed in a fancy tail-coat with a tall collar, and if it weren’t for the red stripes from the corners of his lips, it would be difficult to know he was a vampire. A pianist vampire.  
“Aw, we were getting along.” Jack whined, giving Josh a wink. Josh felt himself choke on his saliva upon swallowing nervously, but then smiled back swiftly. Jack snorted in laughter, but not against him, it seemed. “I’ll see you later.”  
“Later, my dude.” Brendon finished and then laced Josh’s fingers with his own, which made him confused. Where were they going now, he thought nervously, but realized it was more so they wouldn’t lose each other in the amounts of people as they pushed through.  
“There’s someone I want you to see.” Brendon explained.  
“See? Not meet?” Josh asked curiously, and Brendon shook his head.  
“Oh no, seeing is enough for now.” he breathed. Josh got even more confused than before.

Soon they stopped, and josh looked around casually, but Brendon caught his attention. He nodded toward a group of people in the corner of the living room.  
“Right there. That girl with the long, brown hair.” he explained, and Josh caught sight of her. Then he couldn’t look away, for some reason. She had a traditional kind of beauty, honest and pure and somehow sinful and deep at the same time. Josh was quick on his suspicion of who it could be, remembering what Sarah had said. He understood her. Sarah was beautiful, but there was just something about this girl that couldn’t be matched.  
“Elizabeth Woolridge Grant. Good God, is she not the most attractive person you’ve ever seen?” Brendon asked hypothetically. When he said that, Josh felt the sudden urge to argue. Only because he knew what Sarah felt, and it somehow made him upset with Brendon now. Feelings were just too much.

“She’s cute, yeah. But...she seems busy.” he tried, seeing how Elizabeth was talking to some guy who hung over her, leaning against the wall. None of them in their little gang were dressed up, which gave Josh the interpretation they thought they were too cool for that. At least Josh was just a loser.  
“Oh, no, that guy’s no good. Come on, I could take him, right?” Brendon scoffed and Josh smiled to himself. He never thought Brendon could have such a childish crush on someone.  
“Have you ever spoken to her?” he tried.  
“What! Have I ever- I mean like...a few times. But I was always busy, you know. And I gotta seem cool. Shut up.” Brendon stumbled and Josh burst out laughing at his friend.  
“She’s way out of your league and you know it.” Josh shook his head, ready to leave, but Brendon pulled him back.  
“No way, you’re helping me get her tonight, it took me forever to persuade her friends to come. You have to.” Brendon begged and Josh sighed.  
“Can’t Dallon?” he sighed.  
“Dallon doesn’t believe in me. He is heartless.” Brendon said seriously.  
“I heard that, fucker!” Dallon’s voice came from somewhere behind them and Josh felt his cheeks starting to ache from grinning.  
“Fine. It’s not like I have anything better to do.” Josh shrugged.  
“I would argue, but yeah, you’re probably right, you barely know anyone here. Anyway, all I need you to do is distract her friends.” Brendon explained simply, not realizing what a stupid idea that was, apparently.  
“This is ridiculous. I can’t just walk up and talk to them.” he snapped back, vaguely pointing to Elizabeth and the people around her. It was a group of four or five, all wearing tight jeans and leather jackets and rock band shirts, cool hairstyles and so on.  
“It’s either that or do something dumb that’ll catch their attention. Oh, throw a drink at the guy hovering over her.” Brendon suggested, and Josh wondered if he could hear himself.  
“You’re out of your mind. Later maybe, can I have a little bit of a good time before I ruin people’s night?” Josh sighed and Brendon did the same, they had argument through eye contact, and at last Brendon nodded.  
“Fine. Okay, but listen, I’ve been trying to get with this girl for a year I think. She’s the highest hanging fruit. After that I can die.” Brendon explained and Josh furrowed his eyebrows.  
“You’re not even looking for a relationship with her. You just want to sleep with her.” Josh clarified, and wondered what in all heaven Sarah could see in this guy. But at the same time, if she didn’t know how he was she would have confessed her feelings already. She knew he was bad news when it came to relationships, he was a better friend.  
“Like she’d want to be with me. She’s out of my league romantically, but not sexually.” Brendon explained. Josh wondered if it shouldn’t be the other way around.  
“Shouldn’t...romance be the first step? And then sex?” Josh questioned and Brendon laid an arm around his shoulders.  
“You have so much to learn.” 

Josh was left alone and thinking, picking up his phone to check the time. 45 minutes had passed already? Time was moving fast. He also pondered over what he should say to Sarah. She had trusted him with her feelings, and now he was treating that like dirt, agreeing to help Brendon get behind his objectified crush. Every single thing about that situation argued in moral blood and fire in his head, so what should he do? He knew Brendon was in the wrong, and he should prioritize Sarah, but he also knew Brendon would find a way to break Sarah’s heart anyway. He didn’t seem to feel the same way, which was incredible. It was like he had never even thought about it, when they were close friends since years. Josh had figured out he might have feelings for a guy upon two months of knowing him. To be fair, Tyler didn’t feel the same way and Josh had absolutely no intention of telling him. So everything was a mess, simply. When did all these feelings appear?  
“Hello?” a voice came from above him and Josh snapped out of his thoughts, realizing he was just staring at his black phone screen. 

He looked up to see Dallon, drink in hand. He looked to be the Joker. It suited him, strangely, to have green spray-dye in his hair and smudged red over his mouth.  
“Hiya.” Josh responded, putting his phone in his pocket. Rapidly he went over what to say, as he didn’t know if Dallon knew any of the things that he knew. Though he must know about Elizabeth. “I didn’t know Brendon could obsess over a girl.” he noted, and Dallon looked thoughtful for a second before realizing.  
“Lizzy Grant? Yeah, she’s something else. His type.” Dallon smirked, taking a long sip of his drink.  
“Really? She’s out of his league.” Josh thought out loud. “Not that Brendon’s bad, but come on.”  
“Oh totally. But can’t blame a kid for trying. She’s a stoner slut, he’s a stoner slut, they’re perfect for each other.” Dallon chuckled and Josh did the same, though the insults were a bit much. He knew Dal was kidding anyway.  
“Sure. Though I can’t help to worry about-” Josh stopped himself. Was he really just about to say? Was he getting second-hand drunk or something?  
“About Sarah?” Dallon said quietly, and Josh looked up at him in confusion. “Oh come on, like I don’t know. Figured it out before she did. Tragic story, falling for Brendon Urie was the worst mistake of her life.”  
Josh laughed quietly, thinking he shouldn’t be part of all this. Ironic, as he had been so disgruntled by feeling left out earlier, but now realized how few things were actually his business. 

Dallon was soon occupied in a conversation with someone else, and Josh’s eyes searched their way to this Lizzy Grant and tried to figure out what was so great about her. Her eyes were kind, her hair was long and straight, tied away from her forehead with a hairpin or two. She was wearing a dress, a red one. It revealed her legs and complimented her curves, and her smile was inviting to the guy she was talking to, hovering over her like a dog. Josh sighed. He understood that she was beautiful, but he just couldn’t bring himself to see anything else than a person. Could he really be…?  
“When do you have to be home?” Brendon suddenly asked, close to his face, as the music and everyone talking made conversation tough. Josh could smell alcohol and flinched away.  
“Eleven.” he said, though he knew he could stay out later. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to.  
“What! So early, do you have to leave? That’s in like…” Brendon thought out loud, checking his phone for the time, but it didn’t light up. Josh checked instead.  
“Two hours.” Josh answered. He needed to do that thing he didn’t want to do, and he hoped Brendon wouldn’t remind him. He did.  
“Okay, okay. You remember your mission?” he smirked.  
“Unfortunately.” Josh grumbled, but couldn’t keep himself from grinning at Brendon’s hopeful expression. “Do you actually like her?” he asked thoughtfully.  
“Lizzy? Well I mean…” Brendon dragged the words out, his gaze fleeing elsewhere. “It’s hard to explain, but yes. Yes I do like her. I don’t know her that well, but I would love to.”  
“Why?” Josh asked, thinking of what better people Brendon could get together with. Although, he also knew Brendon wasn’t looking to settle down.  
“If you don’t see it, you’re gayer than I thought, amigo.” Brendon snorted drunkenly, and Josh had to resist arguing. 

He managed to hide away for a little while before truly the last person he wanted to see approached him.  
“Hey, Josh! Are you having fun? You look a bit troubled.” Sarah smiled widely, giving a little wave. She was so innocent, he couldn’t do this.  
“Oh? Sorry, I guess I’m just exhausted from all the people. And the noise. Jack’s playing good music, though.” Josh answered, trying not to sound suspicious and not look Lizzy’s way too much.  
“You really are an introvert, huh? Well, I heard you have a curfew so you can leave soon.” she giggled, and Josh couldn’t even care she was teasing him.  
“You talked to Brendon?” he asked, and Sarah nodded eagerly.  
“Yeah. He said he’d have Jack play a good song and guess what? He promised me a dance.” Sarah beamed, and Josh felt his heart break into pieces. He wasn’t actually going to help Brendon sleep with another girl when Sarah was so head over heels for him? But what Dallon had said stuck with him too, Brendon was trouble and it might be good for her to see that. But did Josh really have to be a part of it?  
“That’s great. You know what, I’m gonna go request a song too. I’m sure Jack will let me.” he excused himself and walked off before Sarah could even say goodbye. 

Josh pushed through the people, feeling his stomach churn with nervosity. Jack was in the kitchen, and so was Lizzy and her friends. If he was going to do something, it was now. But first he could pretend to be caught by Jack, as he didn’t seem too busy. Quickly Josh swept over, keeping Lizzy and the guy she was talking to in his vision.  
“Hey, Josh! It was Josh, right?” Jack greeted and Josh nodded. Maybe he could use the perspective of an outsider? But he wanted to lead the conversation there.  
“That’s right. Hey, I’ll probably be leaving soon so I was wondering if I could request a song for the queue? You don’t have to.” he asked casually.  
“Sure! What did you have in mind?” Jack asked, slurring slightly. Josh suddenly fell into panic. What songs did he know that were good for a general party? He knew the ones of the radio, but no one wanted to hear that. And he also wanted Jack to ask why he was leaving so he could explain briefly what was going on. But first the song. Josh had watched Divergent with Ashley the other day, wasn’t there a good song in the credits or something?  
“That song, uh...Find You. From Divergent.” he guessed, hoping to the Lord it was the name of the song.  
“Yes! Miriam Bryant is a fucking babe. I’ll put it on now, just for you.” Jack suggested and Josh nodded gratefully. Good, now he hadn’t lied to Sarah. But he hadn’t told her the whole truth either. “Hey Josh, be a bud and hold this a second? Gotta go to the little boys room. Guard the laptop too.” and before Josh knew it, he was holding a plastic cup with some form of alcohol in it and Jack had pushed away through the crowd. It would probably take a while, he could guess the bathrooms were full. 

Awkwardly he stood still by the table on which the laptop was placed, looking around the room for all the speakers. It was a pretty good system Brendon had gotten. Josh wondered if he kept it secret from his parents, but then realized his parents probably liked music, considering how talented his friend was in the matter. The cup in his hand was in a very light grip, because he felt guilty even holding it, even though it was for someone else. No one cared, he knew, but it really felt like everyone were watching him. It also gave him these weird impulses, like to chug it all or throw it in someone’s face as they walked by clumsily, already drunk. He wasn’t going to, of course, but he didn’t feel comfortable holding on to it. Just across the kitchen were Lizzy and her friends. The girl herself was dancing to the song he had picked out with a friend of hers, and Josh felt a little honored. The song was chosen in a whim, but he had remembered correctly about it being good. Miriam Bryant was a babe, vocally at least. Josh stood up straight from leaning against the kitchen table, which was a terrible, terrible mistake. This movements was caught in a bad chain of events that included drunk, stumbling teenagers. Luckily he could jump out of the way, but felt a snare around his foot. Everything went by very fast, but Jack’s laptop slammed into the floor(luckily it did not disconnect from the speakers and the music continued on). In surprise, Josh finally felt the plastic cup slip out of his hand and saw it’s content spill out across the floor and splash especially onto the expensive looking shoes of a tall guy. Josh didn’t have time to be scared before he saw who it was. That guy Lizzy Grant had been talking to all night, but now he didn’t look so smug and flirty, but instead furious. Josh’s heart stopped and his instinct was to run. After barely a second, he decided it was a good instinct and pushed back through a group of people toward the door. Instead of quickly finding his jacket and slipping out the door and running away before anyone noticed he was gone, Josh was frozen stuck and sunk far, far away into a pair of eyes that had appeared in front of him.  
“Hi.” Tyler managed to say, and Josh managed to swallow nervously in response, before he felt his entire weight be flung to the side. It wasn’t in slow-motion like in the movies, but he landed cold on the floor among the shoes and jackets and feet stomping around, who were quickly clearing the scene.  
“You’ll fucking pay for this.” a low voice slurred above him, and Josh turned up to see the guy he had been running from. He felt a sting on his chin, but couldn’t think about it. “Get up, you’ll fucking pay.” he growled, and suddenly Josh was preparing to meet his maker. How did this happen?  
“Hey, hey! What’s going on?” a voice called, and a few of the guy’s friends appeared to hold him back. Josh was in too much shock to stand up, it seemed, feeling his limbs start to vibrate it tension, or maybe fear. Still, he accepted the hand reaching down to him and pulled him up. In disorientation he somehow gained balance on his feet, and once more looked into the eyes of Tyler Joseph, not saying a word.  
“Sorry man, he gets like this when he drinks too much. It might be best if you just-” one of the girls holding the scary guy asked, but before she could finish and Josh could say something, she was cut off and he felt a hand around his wrist.  
“We’re going.” Tyler declared, and had soon pulled Josh out the door, who was stumbling like a limp puppy behind him down the stairs and away from the pumping music and drunk people. 

Not before they had gotten out on the street did Tyler speak to him, which he did in a rather upset tone. Like a mother, almost.  
“What was that about?” he asked, stopping in his tracks and making Josh turn to him. Josh could feel his mouth tremble in a loss of words. He still hadn’t really landed on the floor in his head.  
“I-It was an accident, I just- just spilled this drink on his feet be-because someone bumped into me…” he stammered, out of a mix of emotions and cold. His jacket was still up there, but he didn’t care.  
“What? Josh, have you been drinking?” Tyler’s eyes were under furrowed eyebrows and they looked dark and cold in the faint street light shine from up the street.  
“No, I was hold-holding it for a friend. I promise.” Josh said, but his voice failed him and it came out as more of a whisper. Tyler sighed, and his expression softened.  
“Sorry for yelling.” he apologized and Josh shook his head, looking down at the ground. “Josh, are you okay? Do you think you have a concussion? You hit the floor pretty hard.” Tyler closed in on him and lightly brushed his fingers over Josh’s chin, which made it sting so that his eyes teared up a little and flinch. Tyler pulled his hand back instantly, his now back-to-warm eyes concerned.  
“It’s okay. I don’t feel concussed. Am I bleeding a lot?” Josh asked, feeling the scratch on his chin. It felt scrapy and wet.  
“A little. Do you want to go clean it?” Tyler suggested and Josh thought. He didn’t want to go home, suddenly. He wanted to stay out, even though he was freezing. Because Tyler was talking to him. Wait, Tyler was talking to him. Tyler had come to the party, which he had been against. To...talk? To Josh? He wouldn’t have been there to get hammered and pass out on the floor, at least. “Josh.”  
“I’m good. Are you cold?” he asked, though Tyler had a jacket.  
“Burning up.” Tyler answered and unzipped his jacket, throwing it around Josh’s shoulders. Somehow even this was intimate, with him so close, pulling his jacket neatly around Josh’s frame, focusing his eyes on that. Josh stared at his eyes, getting dizzy. 

Okay, Josh could bite. 

“Why’d you come? You said you didn’t want to.” Josh spoke, feeling the colors of their tension change into something colder. Tyler sighed, stepping back.  
“I, uh. Wanted to talk to you.” he muttered, then paused. “About some things. That have happened. It’s a while ago now, but I-uh…” Tyler swallowed, and both he and Josh knew it was because he couldn’t really muster too many words at the same time right then. “It upset me, and I feel like I...like I didn’t talk to you. Which I didn’t. But what I mean is that I should, and I shouldn’t have avoided you. I didn’t mean to. It’s really complicated, Josh.”  
“It’s okay. Tell me what you want and I’ll listen, but you don’t have to say everything unless you want to and stuff.” Josh explained, feeling strangely steady in his voice suddenly. This was apparently surprising to Tyler too, as he looked up and met his eyes for a little while.  
“And stuff.” he huffed, smiling in what looked like sadness of some sort. Josh furrowed his eyebrows. “Uh, it’s like this. You know that I’d tell you if my mom and I had a fight? Yeah, and uh...I don’t know if I’ve told you but my parents don’t really like me playing music outside church, or writing and singing and all that. And uh-” Tyler cleared his throat, eyes flickering around the asphalt. Josh frowned, feeling a weight in his guts. “My mom especially. Because of something that happened long ago. And that’s why I didn’t tell my parents about my ukulele. That I had it and played it and all. But...my mom, she found it. And took it. Threw it away, I asked her.” Tyler said and crossed his arms, looking like he had goosebumps. Josh wondered what to do, at the same time as feeling upset. Very upset. He could feel the upset grow in his head and in his hands and in his legs. His jaw clenched, and Tyler hid his face by looking very far down into the ground and Josh hoped to God he wasn’t crying. To most people a ukulele was just a ukulele, but this was a lot more. He could tell. “And I know that’s a crappy excuse, but-”  
“It’s not.” Josh answered. He knew Tyler well enough to understand what value he could put in a tiny, hawaiian instrument. It wasn’t just that he liked playing it, it was like...he needed to. Because he believed in it. And that his mother would take it away from him, unknowing of that that meant. Josh tried not to do something impulsively aggressive, and instead wrapped his arms around Tyler’s thin frame. He was shaking in cold or emotion, and that was upsetting too. Josh corrected his hold and pushed his friend closer to him, so close he might feel his pieces being pushed back together momentarily. Everything else went away, the thing with Lizzy and Brendon and Sarah and the angry guy who pushed him. Everything he didn’t know about Tyler, because there were sure to be a lot of things, and everything he didn’t know about his other friends as there was a lot there too. Everything. Josh felt Tyler bury his face in his neck and Josh did the same. It should have been strange, because they were still strange to each other, but at the same time they weren’t. They weren’t strangers, and neither should they try to be, Josh decided silently.  
“Do you want to go home?” Tyler asked, mumbling against his jacket on Josh’s shoulder.  
“Not unless you do.” Josh said, and Tyler untangled himself from him.  
“Would it be okay...if I came with you?” Tyler asked, and Josh felt his body flutter.  
“Course.” he responded and the two of them smiled softly at each other. Josh would ask about Tyler’s parents and of they knew where he was, but to be honest, he could not care less of their opinion about anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was very long, I hope it didn't have too many typos ahah...
> 
> So! This one I'd love some feedback on to know how things are moving for you and really just what you thought about the events. Josh is a bit more pessimistic than usual, but it's all for a reason, and so is that little drama at the end which might become a more dramatic thing later wink wink. I have ideas in my head, and the next chapter's going to be a clean-up, but for now I'd love to hear if any of you have any thoughts of the upcoming parts of the plot! 
> 
> Hope to see you, and thanks for reading<3


	14. "Beginning."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late night talk with classic confessions and explanations. Lazy, sweet morning with some awkward encounters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello? Is anyone still here?
> 
> Sorry I'm updating slow, I'm really inspired but I've just been tired and busy with holiday things. I'm going to try to write more during the weeks instead of just weekends! This was mostly written on my iPad so forgive any mistakes, and that it's so short! It's mostly a filler and I wanted to post something! 
> 
> Happy reading!

“Back where we started.” Tyler muttered as Josh quietly closed the door after them, and he looked up at his friend in wonder. Tyler kicked off his shoes and gazed back thoughtfully until Josh realized what he meant. They had met in a somewhat similar situation, outside at night, and Josh had brought Tyler to his house and they had hung out for a while. Josh had leant him an umbrella, he remembered that.   
“Back where we started.” he agreed and Tyler walked inside, disappearing into the kitchen. Josh untied his laces and hung up Tyler’s jacket on a peg, then followed.   
“Are your parents home?” Tyler whispered, leaning back against the counter.   
“Yeah, but they’re asleep downstairs. My siblings too, upstairs.” Josh explained, standing in the middle of the kitchen.   
“Okay.” Tyler agreed and hung his head slightly, studying the floor. Josh waited patiently for him to say something, as it seemed he wanted to. The silence was broken prematurely by a growling noise, and Tyler looked up, reflecting Josh’s surprised expression before they broke into a giggle.   
“Sorry, are you hungry?” Josh asked and Tyler nodded, covering his face with his hands in embarrassment.   
“I haven’t eaten all- in a while.” Tyler spoke and jumped down from the counter, and Josh couldn’t help but worry about what he was supposed to say. Hadn’t eaten all day? Normally Josh wouldn’t be too concerned, sometimes he’d go full days without eating too just out of laziness, but given the situation he got a feeling something was wrong. Then again, Tyler had a tough time with his parents right now, maybe they had been fighting before he left home? Josh didn’t want to ponder over it, although it was hard not to because of the deeply rooted care he had found himself having for Tyler Joseph.   
“We have some...uh,” Josh thought out loud, digging through the fridge. “I think I can make waffles.” he tried and looked at Tyler for his opinion, who nodded unsurely.   
“Sure, if you have time. It’s kind of late.” he observed, checking the watch around his wrist. Josh hadn’t noticed it before, probably because Tyler mostly wore long sleeved shirts.   
“Oh, are you tired? The alternative is...bananas.” Josh said with a little poison on his tongue, glancing around the kitchen and seeing the fruitbowl.   
“Don’t ruin my appetite. I despise bananas.” Tyler growled and Josh laughed quietly, ending with them both doing so.   
“Same!”   
“And I’m not tired, I’ll help you out. But you should go clean up your face first.” Tyler offered, but then sent Josh off with a smirk and a wave. Josh did as told, going up to the bathroom. 

His reflection looked as gloomy as he had expected, his eyes dark and skin pale. His dark hair was curling down over his forehead again instead of backwards, and he could use a shower. But it was late, so he simply washed the wound on his chin and put a bandaid over it and then left. In his room he found a T-shirt and some gray pyjama pants he didn’t remember he owned, but they fit still. It made him feel a little better to get out of the sloppy jeans and button down he had wore to Brendon’s. Oh, Brendon. He could punch his face, but that wasn’t a very radical thing to do. 

 

45 minutes later they were sat with twice the amount of waffles they were supposed to, as Josh had read the recipe wrong and accidently doubled it. Luckily Tyler seemed amused instead of bothered, happily munching on a piece as Josh put the rest on a plate under glad wrap and hoped that was the right way to do it. He knew you could do that with waffles, so…  
“Grab a bunch and we’ll go to my room, yeah?” Josh suggested, taking out another plate from the cupboard and pouring sugar on it. That’s what he did when he was a kid, so he always had sugar to them.   
“Thanks.” Tyler answered and did as told, and then the two of them very quietly headed up the stairs. 

“You haven’t seen my room, right?” Josh asked, even though he knew he was right. Tyler had only been here once before.   
“Nope.” he responded, mouth full of waffle already. It was adorable, how oblivious and curious he looked, the sugar on his bottom lip, even the way he was awkwardly in the middle of dipping a waffle.   
“It’s uh, it’s underwhelming.” Josh nodded after a moment of looking for too long and then turned away, quickly feeling a blush redden his entire face. He couldn’t seriously be thinking about this right now. It wasn’t even that late, just midnight. The door to his room creaked a little if you opened it too slow, so Josh headed in without hesitation. It was cold. Too cold. “Ah dangit, I forgot to close my window.” he sighed, walking over to the big window by the end of the room.   
“Your room is bigger than mine.” Tyler said, sitting down on his bed, still munching.   
“Really? I think my bed is just smaller than yours.” Josh defended, looking up at the cloudy sky which was now tinted slightly orange from the light of the small town. In the distance he could see big patch of orange, which would be Columbus. When he turned around, Tyler had lied back on his bed, but he was still eating a waffle. Josh snorted and went to sit down on the edge of the bed too.   
“Are you going to eat or sleep?” he asked and Tyler smiled before answering.   
“Can I do both?” he questioned, but then sat up straight again.   
“You can try.” Josh shrugged and Tyler looked up at him in a strange way. Josh didn’t ask, he just looked back.

Josh was bad at keeping eye contact with people for more than two seconds, he always felt rude or awkward by it, but not with Tyler. It was a little bit like Tyler’s eyes didn’t actually belong to him, they weren’t his to judge or stare with, they were public property that anyone could swim in. Sometimes Josh felt like Tyler drowned everyone who tried to swim in them, but let Josh stay. It was obviously just in his own head, but it was nice to feel like he belonged there, in his eyes.   
“Would you mind if I stayed over?” Tyler asked, now breaking their contact to put the plate away. Not before Josh could snatch a waffle too.   
“No.” he said honestly and Tyler grinned at the way he nonchalantly ate his waffle. He wasn’t that hungry, it was more for the fun of it. Then Tyler sighed at looked at him in that strange way again. It was ineffable, that look.   
“You’re too nice to me, Josh.” he said and Josh furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. He didn’t want to think about whatever mae Tyler say that, so instead he stayed in denial and smiled.   
“No.” he repeated, but Tyler seemed troubled still.   
“Yes, you are.” he argued, jumping back and lying down with his head in Josh’s mountain of pillows. He had too many.   
“No, I’m not.” Josh was still smiling, and he followed his friend, hopping up so he sat with his back against the wall so he sat straight across the bed with his legs resting over Tyler’s.   
“You don’t know me well enough to decide that.” Tyler sighed, and Josh paused. He thought they knew each other pretty well for only having known each other for two months. “You don’t know what I’ve done.”   
“I don’t care.” Josh shook his head. “Don’t try to intimidate me because I won’t listen. I don’t care what you think you’ve done wrong or what people think of you. The...the past’s in the past, you know?” 

Tyler glanced up at Josh and their eyes met for a second before Tyler rested his head back again and sighed once more, deeper this time, more thoughtful.   
“Okay.” he agreed, and Josh somehow felt accomplished through the little word. “Don’t be mad at me.” he then said suddenly without moving, and now Josh did get worried. But he had gotten this far.   
“I promise.” he confirmed and swallowed.   
“It scared me when you told me you don’t always go to church.” Tyler admitted, and Josh furrowed his eyebrows again, wondering what Tyler meant and what he should be feeling about it.   
“Why?” he asked, and Tyler paused for a moment.  
“Several reasons. I think I’m messed up, you know? I think there’s something wrong with me. I’m not saying there’s something wrong with you but...I could never not go to church. It’s all I have sometimes, it’s all I know I’m doing right. The only thing...the only thing that’s normal.” Tyler spoke very quietly and Josh had a hard time picking up what he was saying, and Tyler was also being very vague which made Josh even more worried. What was he saying was wrong with him? “But that’s just me. With you, there’s...there was this guy I was friends with before. Like a hundred years ago.” Tyler then changed tone and explained clearly, still with his face toward the ceiling and eyes stuck beyond it. Josh listened, wanting to decide where this story would go but then deciding not to. “We were pretty close, I guess. Or well, we were. We both went to the church here, our families were friends. You remind me of him a little, right? He was a bit awkward, said the wrong things at the wrong time. Actually never shut up, really.” Tyler snorted, and Josh got a feeling he knew who he was talking about, puzzling the pieces together carefully. “He was a bit like me, too. He got scared sometimes, for no reason. I do that too. That’s why I cared about him.” Tyler paused again, as if he realized he had been talking for a really long time and had to go over what he had said.   
“And then?” Josh questioned, seeing not only the end goal of the story but the turns it would take in front of him.   
“He stopped believing in God. In all of it, really. I don’t think it happened suddenly, but that’s how it played out. We had been slipping apart for a bit. Then he never came to church anymore, he just...stopped talking to me entirely. It was my fault too, I avoided him. Like I did with you.”  
“You’re scared that’ll happen.” Josh suggested and looked at Tyler’s face. His eyes were closed. He seemed to know Josh was observing him, because he just nodded. “It won’t. I’m not planning on leaving the church and even if I was, I wouldn’t leave you.” Josh promised, but Tyler was still concerned somehow.   
“I know you won’t.” he sighed, as if he had been arguing with that fact for a while but knew it was true deep down, because it was. “But it’s not just that, it’s...the person he is now, I- I can’t believe it, you know? He’s...doing everything wrong.” Tyler breathed, looking thoughtful but somehow shocked at the same time. Josh smirked a little, thinking back to his other friends. He could risk it.  
“I don’t think Brendon Urie is as bad you think.” he dared and Tyler’s head flew up and he looked at him seriously, but then a faint smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “There’s no hell to go to if you don’t believe in it.” Josh snorted and Tyler groaned quietly, crashing back against the bed. Josh tried to keep his laughter down as he followed him, lying down next to him but still leaned up against the pillows more. He was closest to the wall whilst Tyler was at the outer edge. “Ty, you said I’m too nice. Well, here’s something not that nice. I think the reason you feel alone is because you don’t let anyone in, and instead take for granted people are leaving you.” Tyler looked up at him from where he was now on his side, facing the room. Quickly he rolled over so he was facing Josh’s side, staring into his arm tiredly. “I do that too. All the time. With everyone I meet. I swear, if you don’t talk to me for two days I think you hate me.” Josh confessed and Tyler smiled weakly and closed his eyes.   
“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, you’re like the sweetest guy I’ve met.” he sighed and awkwardly bumped his forehead against Josh’s arm.   
“Thanks, I’m pretty sweet. But okay, let’s just...make an alliance. You know how I said I’d follow you anywhere?” Josh asked and Tyler nodded shortly, neither of them wanting to remember the context of that promise. “Let’s say that if that ever changes, we have to tell each other. No matter what. As long as we don’t confirm that we hate the other, we can take for granted that we still love each other. Okay?” he laughed, and Tyler did too. He hadn’t meant to to say love, but it made it a little less serious so it was fine.   
“Deal. No unexplained avoiding.” he agreed, and then rolled away for a bit, grabbing Josh’s covers and cuddling down under them. Josh stayed where he was, not feeling tired yet.   
“Communication.” Josh reminded, and Tyler nodded, then sighed deeply and closed his eyes. “Goodnight, Tyler. Sleep well, please.” he whispered, not actually meaning to.   
“Night.” Tyler whispered back. Josh didn’t meant to look at him for so long either, but ended up doing it until he was sure he was asleep before moving down and closing his eyes as well, forgetting everything bad as he felt Tyler’s breathing on his face in front of him. 

 

“Josh, are you still asleep?” a voice came from somewhere beyond the veil and Josh hummed, opening his eyes slowly. “My goodness, you’re still wearing clothes and-” the voice was broken of by a gasp as his mother was now stood above his bed, staring profoundly onto it.   
“What?” he growled, but then realized and jolted up, instantly coming to his senses as he saw the body curled up to his nose under his covers next to him. You couldn’t even see who it was.   
“Who is this?” his mother hissed. “Josh, I swear you’ve been drinking, if you brought home some poor girl into my house-” she rambled and Josh rested his hand on his face.   
“I haven’t been drinking, and this isn’t a girl.” he answered, smiling a little at how ridiculous she was being. Though, it was truly awkward and he had no idea how to explain this without telling the truth. When he saw that his mother was glaring at him with such a fire in her eyes he felt like he was set aflame, Josh realized what he had said. “No, no! It’s just Tyler. He stayed over, nothing more.” Josh swore, and his mother seemed to believe him a little. Then came a sweet, sleepy hum from below and both their gazes fell onto Tyler, who pulled Josh’s gray cover even further up, snuggling his face onto Josh’s arm, of which he was leaning on. “Can you please leave? I’ll explain everything later. Nothing bad happened mom, I promise.” he smiled reassuringly and his mother’s lips became thin, but then she smiled a little from that and nodded, leaving the room. Josh sighed and crashed down onto the bed again, resting his hand on his forehead. What a mess.   
“Was that your mom?” Tyler’s little voice came from beside him and Josh looked down. Tyler looked innocent, as if he hadn’t said a word and was still asleep. The only part of his face visible was one eye and his hair, but somehow he managed to make Josh speechless.   
“Yeah.” he hummed.   
“Sorry.” Tyler apologized and opened his eyes. Or his eye, more like. His eyelashes were clumped together and there was crust around the outer edge of it. Josh hoped he just got teary eyed in his sleep.  
“For what?” Josh asked, flickering his gaze around curiously.   
“She seemed upset about something. I couldn’t hear what but I can imagine.” he sighed, sitting up on the bed. Josh missed him already, and stayed down.   
“She’s just jittery. Do you want breakfast?” Josh asked, though he would prefer not to leave the bed just yet and wished Tyler would say no, but he had to ask because he cared about him.   
“We had some waffles left, right?” Tyler asked, looking back at him from where he was sitting leaned over with Josh’s covers still over his legs. The room was bright, the large window letting in silvery light from the cloudy morning sky. Everything was dyed beautifully in gray tones. Eyes, skin, hair, most things became a more matte color than its original. Josh realized he was gazing in awe when Tyler didn’t ask him about it like he usually does, but instead just looked back, and Josh dodged believing he was seeing the same thing as he looked down on him.   
“Yeah, we do.” Josh finally said, preparing to get out of bed and get some. “Stay here and I’ll get some.”  
“No, I’ll come with you.” Tyler insisted, but Josh shook his head, heaving himself out of bed.   
“No, stay put.” Josh laughed, pushing Tyler back when he tried to stand up, and luckily he stayed down. Tyler grunted and rolled over, hiding away in the covers, only peeking his eyes up, which were smiling. Josh waited until he was out the door before swooning. 

His family was already up, Josh could hear them down in the kitchen. Ashley seemed to be in her room, he could hear her stepping around and humming. And finally he heard Tyler’s rolling around in his bed and a long, calm sigh. Josh swallowed and brushed his hair out of his face. He was grateful he had changed into other clothes. If he had crashed in the party-clothes his mother definitely would have worried. Tyler wore the same clothes though, but they were more casual. And there he was, in his bed. Cuddled in and safe from everything, Josh was to make sure. He wanted Tyler to come to him anytime he had a problem, any sort of problem, and he would help him. It scared him to think what Tyler did before when his parents breathed down his neck or he had anxiety or a full-out panic attack, and absolutely no one to go to. But then again, he had had someone. Something crept in the back of Josh’s head. Tyler obviously felt safe with him, coming to him and staying over in short notice(Josh could throw his insecurity of their friendship to the side to admit he felt important), but he could have more than one person…  
“Morning, Josh!” Ashley’s call came suddenly and Josh looked up from his thoughts, realizing he was still frozen stuck outside his room. That meant Tyler could hear him just standing outside still, and that was so embarrassing Josh pretended not to hear her and walked down the stairs.   
“Morning, Ash.” he muttered quietly. Maybe he could make Tyler believe Ashley had made mistake, thinking he was in his room when in fact he wasn’t. Luckily Ashley didn’t say anything more but followed him quietly for a bit. She was smirking, though. Josh rolled his eyes.   
“Josh, is there a person in your room?” she asked and Josh paused to glare at her. “What? You were at a party yesterday, right? I heard mom say something about it. Is it a girl? Is-” Ashley rambled.   
“Ashley! Shut up, will you?” Josh asked and walked off into the kitchen.   
“Joshua, don’t speak to your sister than way!” their mother called from wherever she was. 

Josh took out the waffles from yesterday, they were still intact and Josh was grateful for that. The chances of Jordan eating them hadn’t been slim. Either way he threw four on a plate and into the microwave.   
“Josh, I’m serious. What did mom say?” Ashley continued, hopping up onto the kitchen counter.   
“Ashley, I’m serious. It’s none of your business.” Josh argued, but he knew he wouldn’t get rid of her that easily and sighed. “I didn’t bring home some girl from that party, despite popular belief.” he shook his head and leaned back against the table.   
“What?” Ashley looked confused. The seconds counted down on the microwave, before it let out a sound, and his sister’s face became a frown. “Josh…” she whispered and he looked at her tiredly. “Is it a boy?”   
“You don’t have to whisper.” he muttered, though he was obviously doing the same. He didn’t want to be embarrassed, because nothing had happened, it was actually Tyler who had asked to stay over. But even so, Josh couldn’t help but blush and feel awkward, because he knew that he was thinking the same thing as everyone else. It was terrible. He hated not being in control.  
“Oh my gosh, are you serious?” Ashley hissed, holding a hand over her mouth.   
“No! Or well yes, but it’s not like that. He just stayed over because we’re friends.” Josh responded and Ashley seemed to calm down a little bit. Suddenly Jordan came storming into the kitchen with a smug but surprised look on his face.   
“Don’t start.” Josh groaned, pouring a bit of sugar on the plate and beginning to leave.   
“Josh has a boyfriend, Josh has a boyfriend!” Jordan sang, and Josh had to muster all his restrain not to smash the plate on his head.  
“Jordan, shut up!” Ashley snapped, which bothered Josh even more, because he knew she meant it in a bad way. Josh did not have a boyfriend, and neither would he get one, and it would especially not be the boy in his room, but the fact that his family was opposed to the idea made him want all those things just in spite. But it wasn’t going to happen and his family had nothing to worry about. 

Josh took a deep breath before entering his room again, knowing the purity of the morning was gone now. Waking up, having casual conversation and not a problem in the world, the silver light and not wanting to get out of his comfortable bed, that was over and it wouldn’t return. He opened the door and now seeing Tyler lay on his bed, his phone in front of his face but eyes stuck on Josh, just made him feel...bad.   
“Oh yeah, nice.” Tyler smiled, eyeing the waffles, making Josh laugh softly. Okay, it all wasn’t completely gone. He put down the plate on the bed and sat down while Tyler sat up, starting to dig in whilst Josh picked up his phone. It unlocked upon lifting it and his lockscreen made him sigh.   
“What?” asked Tyler, mouth full, reminding Josh of last night. He showed his screen. Tyler furrowed his eyebrows. Numerous missed calls and messages, as well as snaps from just about everyone.   
“What the heck…” Josh sighed, leaning his head in his hand and unlocked his phone. Tyler frowned slightly and Josh understood his point. 

Josh ignored the missed calls and the messages left after them, fearing it would mostly be drunken slur. Instead he started with Brendon’s messages, although he wasn’t sure he wanted to.   
“Where u go?”   
“O shit heard u got punched, r u ok?”   
“Josh” followed by a few repetitions of his name in separate texts. Then one that made Josh crash down onto his bee, making Tyler apparently get food stuck in his throat as he coughed for a few seconds. Josh reread the text, wishing he could disappear on the spot.   
“Duude guess who staying over” and then a picture of a familiar girl, brushing her hair behind her ear and looking to the side. The house seemed less full. He recognized her sharp nose and long, straight hair. Lizzy Grant. Josh groaned.   
“What?” Tyler asked again, still sitting up on his bed while Josh rolled over to his back and exited the conversation. Sarah had sent him a few texts too, and Josh didn’t want to see. “Josh, what’s up?”   
“It’s Brendon. And Sarah, and Jenna and Dallon and everyone…” he said, though that was the extent of people who had tried to contact him. He decided to check the others’ first, though it was mostly just “where are you?”’s and “are you okay”’s, making Josh feel bad for making them worry. Dallon had also sent him a snap of Brendon talking to Lizzy Grant in some gloom corner, captioned “here we go”. Then lastly, Josh dared to open Sarah’s texts.   
“Josh, I heard what happened, I’m sorry! I was in the other room. Are you going home?” Josh smiled at how delicate she was. “Josh, answer please. I’m worried.” Josh frowned, he wished he had checked his phone last night. “Heard from Dal you were heading home with Tyler Joseph. Good that you’re okay! Thank him from me, k?” Josh turned to Tyler, who looked curious but not too bothered, more focused on his waffles still.   
“Sarah says thanks for making sure I came home.” he grinned and Tyler looked amused, fortunately.   
“Maybe it’s the other way. So I say thanks too!” he smiled and that was surprisingly supporting and warming to see. Then there was of course;  
“Idk if you’re seeing this but forget everything I said earlier about me and Brendon. He’s not interested. Made it clear enough.” 

Josh threw his head into the pillow and locked his phone again, not bothering to open the probably hundreds of snaps from Brendon. He knew what they were going to be of. Just blurry party pictures, and half of them of Lizzy Grant. What was so great about her, anyway? He didn’t know her but he doubted she could be that special. But here they were.   
“Things got messy, huh?” Tyler questioned, and Josh was grateful he was vague.   
“They did. I did something terrible.” Josh sighed, unsure if he was going to admit to his mistakes right now. He could trust Tyler of course, but he was definitely going to think he was a really bad person. That was just dumb, but then again, it was true.   
“Well, then we’re two.” Tyler sighed and put away the empty plate. Josh was suddenly confronted, he had brought four so they could have two each, but apparently Tyler was hungry. He didn’t mind, he wasn’t that hungry anyway.  
“You can do no wrong in my eyes. Not compared to me right now at least.” Josh responded as morosely as before and Tyler lied down again next to him.   
“You’re being too vague.” he said.   
“So are you.” Josh smirked, turning his head to see him gazing up at the ceiling in that thoughtful way he could do. Josh wondered if he should tell him about what had happened, but decided not to. It wouldn’t eat him up that much, and he needed Tyler not to be mad at Brendon Urie for any reason. That was the opposite of his goals right now. 

They stayed there for a while longer, speaking softly about casual things or deep things. Josh showed Tyler things in his room, like that message in a bottle he never threw anywhere, and his dozen burned out Yankee candle jars, which Tyler laughed at. He wanted to say it was his grand parents that gave them to him, but it wasn’t, he just liked nice things. That made Tyler laugh too, and Josh felt his face start to ache with grinning. If he could make him laugh forever, he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop, short one! 
> 
> I would write the entire Saturday but eh...didn't feel like it lmao
> 
> Anyway, I wanna hear what you think! We got some interesting information in this chapter that I'm working with, and I'm also very slowly *cough* not so slowly *cough* bringing on that sweet joshler
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it either way! Despite my slow updating, I appreciate all your support and everything! I'm fond of this story!


	15. "What's Good and What's Bad."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler has had a rough weekend, and after comments from his parents, he is starting to feel very conflicted. Seeing Josh is weird, and seeing Brendon Urie is terrible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi!
> 
> That was a short while between chapters, I was excited to write this chapter so it got done quicker. Still it's a little messy so I apologize in advance! Also thank you so much for 2000 hits, it's an overwhelming number for me(and very flattering) and I hope you stick around :-D

Some boys in were sitting in the window of the classroom, hollering out at the schoolyard from time to time. Cold wind blew in and Tyler shuddered violently, wishing it would start raining. It wasn’t going to become sunny anytime soon, and although rain wasn’t great either, he preferred it to clouds. Cloudy weather was just melancholic, but in a dull and unnecessary way, unlike rain which was sad and peaceful. Tyler aspired to be like it, but softly brushed his fingers over the bruises on his knuckles. They were purple, and he was sore. Not peaceful, and not sad.  
“Boys, sit down.” the teacher asked tiredly, and the guys in the window did so half-heartedly, rolling their eyes and mimicking her quietly as if it was a real shocker they were supposed to sit still and be quiet in class. Tyler drew a shaky sigh. He felt like running away. There was a small voice in his mind wondering where Josh was, but it was being screamed over by others that knew that was dumb. The amount of noise in his head(and outside it, for that matter) made it very hard to focus on anything that day. 

The screeching of the bell made Tyler jump, and sent the rest of the class packing and on their way before the teacher had barely said a word of protest. The chairs groaned against the floor, as did the tables, and it was if people were running out of a building on fire. Tyler could never quite understand what they were in a rush for. Though, he had been looking forward to lunch as well. He had and he hadn’t, because this was the only time on Mondays it made sense for him to meet Josh. They had the breaks, but they were constantly on the other side of the school from each other, and Josh had his friends. That was the problem, like it always was. Ever since he stayed over at Josh’s house on Friday, his life had been continuously falling down a set of stairs. No, it was like he was watching himself fall down the stairs. He couldn’t do anything about it, he just had to wait until it was done, and he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to laugh about it or feel worried. You couldn’t know if you were going to be alright until it was done. Either way, because of what he told him, it was hard to look Brendon Urie in the eye. In fact he hadn’t, he was actively avoiding him. Before it had been okay, Tyler had tried to forget all of that, but now it was coming back. It was a long time ago, but he remembered it very well, and he knew he hadn’t told Josh everything. But he didn’t want to think about that, or any of the other hundreds of puzzle-piece like secrets he had. The entire Friday night made him dizzy, everything they had said. Tyler wished he hadn’t said anything, wished he hadn’t left his house at all. But most of all, by God, did he wish he hadn’t enjoyed it too. Just being at his house, sitting in his bed, talking to him and sleeping next to him. Tyler felt his throat get thicker at the thought and pressed it down so hard in his head he had to shut his eyes tight and stop in his tracks for a moment. Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think, he begged himself. 

When he was at his locker, he saw the familiar figure in the corner of his eye and instantly turned, then felt stupid for doing so and instead put his books in the locker, took his bag and shut it.  
“Hey!” Josh smiled, and the cloudy weather and the spurious light from the ceiling looked pathetic compared to the sunshine on his face. How can he be so happy with me, when I am so far from that myself, Tyler wondered. It cheered him up though, better than anyone feeling bad for him would.  
“Hi.” Tyler responded and subconsciously pulled his sleeves over his hands, trying not to observe the ground but not wanting to lift his eyes either, afraid he’d get blinded.  
“Want to have lunch with me? If you brought your own, we can eat somewhere else than the cafeteria.” Josh suggested, and Tyler was grateful he had indeed brought his own. It may just have contained of a sandwich, but it was something.  
“Okay.” Tyler nodded softly. He realized he had sounded very gloomy in his tone when Josh didn’t say anything, and compromised with smiling at him instead. It was too late though, Josh had that look on his face. It made Tyler feel bad, almost sick. Josh worried, he knew that, and he didn’t want him to and yet he made him. Stupid, stupid…

Tyler didn’t ask where Josh’s friends were and if they knew where he was, it was just not important. Josh didn’t want him to ask, and Tyler would rather not know. So instead they ate their lunch together on the campus, despite the sky threatening with rain. It was likely they’d be soaked within the next half hour, and if not now they’d be later.  
“It feels like I haven’t seen the sun in weeks.” Josh thought out loud, chewing on his food. Tyler forced himself not to look at him and half-heartedly took a bite of his sandwich. He had no appetite, despite not eating since breakfast yesterday.  
“Does it? It can’t have been that long.” he responded, instead gazing at the ground or the sky.  
“No, it probably hasn’t, it just feels that way.” Josh shrugged back. “Do you think we’ll get snow this year?”  
Tyler asked himself what he was supposed to answer. He didn’t even know if he particularly liked snow. They got snow in Ohio, but it wasn’t usually in big amounts and it rarely stayed longer than the few coldest weeks of the year. But still, maybe snow was pretty. Stuck in hair, eyelashes. Dark ones.  
“I guess snow’s cool.” Tyler said and Josh looked at him weird all of a sudden, making Tyler rapidly go over what the reason of that could be.  
“That wasn’t my question.” Josh fluttered, and Tyler realized he was right. Not to make Josh worry, which he hated to do, he smiled at him as well. He even ended up chuckling.  
“Sorry. What I mean is, I hope so.” Did he hope so? Well, now he did. 

They sat for a while longer, probably both thinking about that conversation with varying amounts of amusement to match it. Then Josh sighed and leaned back against the bench they were sitting on, having finished his lunch. Tyler decided he could put away the half of his own food too that he had left, not wanting to drag out the time by eating alone.  
“Hey, you didn’t finish that.” Josh commented, looking at the sandwich Tyler was wrapping in paper, though he paused the action.  
“Do you want it?” he asked benevolently. Josh shook his head.  
“Don’t you?” he then asked, and Tyler repeated his action, though more gingerly. Josh sighed and Tyler buried his gaze into the asphalt, knowing, almost feeling, Josh’s own brown eyes studying him closely. They knew very well what he was thinking about. “How are things going with your parents? Are you doing okay?”  
Tyler couldn’t help but feel the corners of his mouth tug a little. “Which one is it? My parents or me?” he asked, not meaning to sound sarcastic. Josh stayed quiet, knowing he was being stubborn. He knew him very well, and it was scary. It landed like a rock in Tyler’s stomach every time Josh did something like that. Not because Tyler didn’t want to be known, just that it was someone like Josh who did it. Someone he also wanted to know.  
“Both, I guess. Are they mad?” Josh asked, and Tyler furrowed his eyebrows.  
“About what?” he asked, though he didn’t actually have to. His parents were upset, yes. About a lot of things, things he hated thinking about. It didn’t matter if Josh knew what he was talking about or not, because the answer was technically yes.  
“Well...I don’t know. I just...I figured that’s the reason you didn’t want to go home.” Josh suggested and Tyler looked at him finally, probably for the first time that day, except that morning when Josh came over and when he approached him earlier. Despite the sky being gray, and the asphalt and the grass and Tyler’s own skin, Josh managed to look like golden sunlight. His hair was dark brown, but to Tyler it shifted in all those colors, they were all brown but it somehow managed to look like an engulfing sunset. His eyes were their usual grayish brown too, but to Tyler they were like amber. He couldn’t see it, but that’s what it looked like.  
“It was.” he admitted, suddenly feeling at loss of control. It was dangerous to look at Josh Dun sometimes, you just couldn’t lie.  
“Okay.” Josh said simply, but caringly all the same. That was one of Tyler’s favourite parts about him, that he never asked about things. That was why this friendship was going to work out, because Tyler didn’t have to tell him anything. It was terrible, because he knew he could if he wanted, but he also knew Josh would look at him differently and that was unbearable. He needed that sunlight, especially on gray days like this one. Tyler realized he was still looking at him because he suddenly kept talking.  
“When I left on Friday to come see you at Brendon’s it was because I just wanted to tell you those things. But then when I came home on Saturday they...they were upset. I hadn’t told them where I went, that’s why. They were just worried.” he explained hurriedly, talking faster and faster as if he was trying to get to a point, but he didn’t know what that was. He froze suddenly when Josh placed his hand on his shoulder as if to calm him down, and then he melted very quickly, dried up and was set on fire. “I’m sorry.” he muttered and stood up, and before Josh had barely done the same, Tyler had disappeared into the school building again. 

 

Locked up in a bathroom stall, Tyler curled himself up on the toilet lid, pressing his face onto his knee and softly bumping it down. His throat was already thick, but when his eyes started watering he accidentally bit down on the inside of his bottom lip so hard he bit through and started bleeding violently. That helped him snap back and Tyler dragged his hand over his chin, seeing blood on the back of it. Quickly he leaned over the sink and spit, then washed the red down with the tap water and let it keep running and stared at the spray of water whilst thinking about what had just happened. He knew what it was, of course, but he just hated it. 

It had been on Saturday, when he came home from Josh’s house after staying over, which he really shouldn’t have done. He didn’t even know why he did it, it was just that he was drawn to it, and was rejected with the idea of going home just then. He just wanted to stay there, and for some reason it hadn’t felt bad. For some damn reason, it felt right. It wasn’t right.  
“Where have you been?” “We have been worried sick!” “What were you thinking?” Tyler was showered with questions that made him feel guilty, which was of course right. Then he explained, told them he had just met up with Josh Dun and stayed over there, though he couldn’t explain why.  
“I needed to talk to him.” “I just slept there.” “I wanted to see him.” Tyler had said, but everything just sounded wrong. And it sounded especially wrong to his parents, apparently. They knew nothing about Josh, nothing whatsoever.  
“Is that boy bringing you into trouble?” “I heard from his parents he skips church, and they didn’t even care.” then came the worst; “Tyler, you shouldn’t be staying over at boys’ houses.”

That sentence was so repelling. It was said in the most dismissive way possible, and Tyler never would have thought about it’s meaning so much if it hadn’t been mentioned. Boys’ houses. Not “other people’s houses”, no “without permission”, boys’ houses. They would have said the same thing if it was a girl, and meant it in the same way. Boys’ houses. He hated thinking about it, because it just wasn’t that way. He hadn’t stayed over at Josh’s house for...that reason, just because he wanted to be there with him rather than home. The fact that his parents even had to tell him that was so humiliating Tyler shut up instantly. He knew that, he wasn’t staying over at anyone’s house for those reasons, they should know that. They thought so badly of him sometimes, and Tyler just wanted them to be happy. But he just couldn’t be alone anymore, not only because Josh wouldn’t leave him, but because he didn’t want to anymore. He didn’t want to be left alone to fight for himself anymore, didn’t want to be scared and sad on his own, he didn’t want nowhere to go when he felt that way. He wanted to be able to go to Josh’s house and stay there for as long as he liked, sit in his bed and talk to him like nothing mattered more in the entire world and everything was okay, but now that idea was ruined. They had ruined it. He could never look Josh in the eye without thinking about it, and the more he thought about it the more scared he got. He didn’t like him in that way, in no other way than a really good friend, a real friend. But that didn’t matter to them, they still felt the need to punish him for it, just for having a friend. 

Tyler’s hitching breath and sniffing was interrupted when the door to the bathroom was suddenly being opened. The steps were light and quick, the person cleared his throat and hummed softly, and Tyler heard himself gasp and flung a hand over his mouth.  
“Quiet.” he told himself, but realized that was very counter-productive. The person outside, who he recognized very easily and was now extremely anxious about, stopped with what he was doing.  
“Sorry?” he asked, and Tyler drew for breath, which ended up being as raspy and unstable as before. “Um, hello…?” Tyler wanted so desperately for this person to go away, but he couldn’t reveal who he was, so he stayed quiet. “Is anyone in here? I can hear you.” he heard from outside, and Tyler thought it pretty rude if someone had been doing what they were supposed to be doing in a place like this.  
“Leave.” Tyler said, but it ended up being very weak and he cleared his throat, which was stupid. That only gave away more.  
“Wait…” said the voice outside, sounding surprised. “Tyler? Dude, is that you?”  
“I said leave.” Tyler confirmed, now speaking louder, but his voice was failing him.  
“No. Are you okay? Are you...are you crying? Can you come out?” the person asked, and Tyler shook his head though he wasn’t visible to the guy on the other side of the door.  
“No.” he answered.  
“Tyler, I’m serious. Please come out.” Why was he being so persistent? When did he start feeling responsibility for Tyler?  
“I’m okay.” Tyler argued, thinking he could lie for a bit.  
“You’re not. Are you crying?”  
“It’s none of your business.” Tyler responded, getting stubborn and felt his eyes overflow upon speaking clearer. Quickly he wiped his cheeks and sniffed.  
“Stop being so damn stubborn, I’m not leaving you like this.” the guy said, and Tyler knew he was telling the truth. If he remembered correctly, this was a person equal in stubbornness to himself. It took Tyler a moment, and he definitely didn’t want to, but at last he slipped off the toilet lid and slowly unlocked the stall door with cold, shaky fingers. 

Upon opening it, he came face to face with Brendon Urie. That was a person Tyler could never bow in front of, and kept his head up and eyes buried deep in the other’s, though they were stinging and his body aching. It bothered him how much concern and care there was on his face, his features as warm as ever.  
“Why were you crying?” he asked, though he absolutely knew he wouldn’t get an answer.  
“None of your business.” Tyler repeated, and Brendon sighed patiently.  
“Look, I know you’re not overly fond of me, but I’m not out to get you, okay? I don’t know where you got that from because I do...I do care about you. I know you don’t really think so-”  
“No, I really don’t.” Tyler answered instantly, feeling himself shift from anxiety to frustration. Brendon Urie was still a sensitive subject since talking about him to Josh, and he just really didn’t want to see him, let alone be confronted by him this way. He didn’t mean to be rude, and neither was he angry at him, but he was the last person he wanted to meet.  
“No. Where’s Josh?” Brendon asked, and Tyler felt annoyed by it. Why did that matter to him? He didn’t want to think about Josh either.  
“I don’t know.” Tyler argued, and Brendon furrowed his eyebrows. He didn’t believe him.  
“You were just with him, weren’t you?” he asked.  
“Does it matter?” Tyler asked back, and Brendon sighed, now less patiently.  
“Doesn’t it?” he asked, and Tyler felt his anger weaken down again, his shoulders drooping and finally hanging his head slightly, averting his eyes from Brendon’s. That felt good, not being stared down and not doing the same to someone else. Tyler sniffed to stop his nose running. “Hey, what’s going on?” Brendon asked softly, and Tyler still didn’t want anything to do with him. But he asked, and he didn’t do so because he felt he had to or to clean his name, but because he wondered. It was annoying, but it was true. That was a difference between him and Josh, Josh wouldn’t ask what was wrong, he’d just comfort him and cheer him up. Brendon always had to know, like it was his problem too when it wasn’t. On the other hand it was, because he was part of why Tyler was upset in the first place.  
“Do you need to know?” Tyler asked hypothetically, hoping Brendon would understand he was going to refuse telling him anything anyway.  
“I don’t.” Brendon accepted. “But...I’d like to. Tyler I-...I’m going to go out on a length here. I’m sorry, okay?” 

Tyler looked up to see Brendon’s eyes buried in his feet, which was unusual for his usually proud and excited nature. He softly brushed the floor with his shoe, and Tyler waited patiently for him to continue. He wanted to believe he knew what he meant, but it was possible he was just apologizing for what was happening now. It wasn’t likely, though.  
“I’m sorry. I really am, and the more I think about it the more sorry I become. I didn’t mean to leave you or make you feel like you were being replaced, okay?” Brendon tried quietly, and Tyler sighed deeply, crossing his arms over his chest.  
“If that’s not what you meant, then why’d you do it? You knew you were doing it, you did leave me and replace me because you wanted to.” Tyler considered saying “Right?”, but decided not to, because he wasn’t questioning anything, he was certain.  
“Yes, I did. I know it’s fucking horrible. I just...I don’t know.” He did know.  
“You cared about your reputation.” Tyler confirmed and Brendon stayed quiet, making a sense of victory spark up in Tyler, though it hurt. He wasn’t going to admit it was terrible being left behind or laughed at and talked about the way he was throughout freshman year, he wasn’t going to give that up. Talking about your own problems was a waste of time. “Brendon, I know you’re sorry. It would have felt nice to have you apologize a little sooner is all. You’re not responsible for me, and you don’t need to care about me.” Tyler explained, feeling done with this conversation now.  
“Hey, I’m-”  
“I know. Bye.” Tyler finished, walking out of the bathroom and trusting he wouldn’t be followed, wandering down the corridor to his locker to continue with his day, despite knowing his eyes were bloodshot.

Tyler avoided everything the rest of the day, turning whenever he saw someone he knew at the end of a corridor and hiding away for a while. He didn’t want to deal with it all anymore, he could confront of all of this later. So although he was just going to shut himself in in the basement or on his room if Zack wasn’t home and hope he’d get dinner today, it was nice to come home.  
“I’m home.” he called and kicked off his shoes, threw his backpack to the floor and hung his jacket on a hanger. No one responded, and Tyler figured only his siblings were home so far. Good, then he got some time alone. 

With only his phone he headed in habit for the basement to play the keyboard. After losing the ukulele, he had started appreciating his other instrument more and more. He still mostly played songs he knew from church, but upon opening the door he remembered he didn’t have the keyboard anymore. His parents took that too, on Saturday. They took the keyboard as punishment for staying over at someone’s house, a boy’s house, without permission. Then they had him sit in church all Sunday. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to be there, there wasn’t anywhere else he’d rather be. He asked for forgiveness, asked what was wrong with him, though of course he got no response or reassurance except for that of his parents when he came home, who told him it was going to be okay now. He had to trust them to know that God did forgive him, because how else could he know? Either way, he sat in church all day and thought, prayed, cried and thought some more. Then his keyboard was gone. It was fair, and it was going to be okay now. Tyler did miss it though. 

Desperately he sat down on the floor where it used to stand. He knew exactly where it used to stand, though there were no tracks left of it. He knew where he stood, both emotionally and with his friends. Or friend. He knew where Josh was supposed to stand in his life, which was much farther away than he was now. His parents were stood above him, looking down. God too, He was up there, looking down, and Tyler had absolutely no clue what He was thinking.  
“I know where you stand.” he spoke quietly, folding his legs up to his chest. As always, whenever Josh came to his mind it was hard to get him out. All of this, all of his mistakes and punishments and the day’s course reminded him of that time he ran out into the woods. At the time Tyler had been unsure why he went there, but in retrospect it felt like he had been looking for something, whatever that could be, in a deadly quiet forest. “Silent among the trees…” What had he found in the forest? Josh Dun, a friend of his. A good friend who helped him, and who he was not supposed to become close with, according to his parents. But that’s where they were now, and there wasn’t anything he wanted to do to change it. “That’s where I am too.” he said to clear his mind. That’s where they both had been, that’s what he had found. Just the two of them, nothing else. It was bad, it was supposed to be feel bad. But it just didn’t, it never felt bad. His parents told him it was bad, but Josh just wasn’t bad, he was good. Tyler wished he could somehow get an answer, that he could be reassured by God somehow, because He knew. But he never explained or let him know what was right and what was wrong, that was something he was supposed to figure out on his own. But he just wanted to hear someone say it, anyone. “Why doesn’t anyone explain it to me?” he asked himself. “Why doesn’t anyone say...anything?” 

His thoughts kept swirling, violently or calmly, all in the same direction. He could feel it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoopsie-daisy, things are starting to be complicated as heck. I'm trying not to give too much away, but I'm honestly not sure why except for giving you sight of the denial Tyler Joseph lives in in this fic. I'm puzzling things together, you know. 
> 
> Anyway, because this chapter was so loaded with weird information, what do you think will happen? And what do you think of Tyler and Brendon's ex-friendhship, what's it all about? Leave any feedback you want, if you want :-D


	16. "Two Worlds Away."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Josh are hanging out, but Josh is sensing that Tyler is bothered by something. He does his best to resolve his friend's conflict, and apparently he's willing to make risks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was brought to you by Two Worlds Away by Nina Nesbitt, which is a slightly cheesy song that I enjoy. It's about change. Also I think I forgot to say a big thank you for 2000 hits! It's so inspiring and wonderful to see so many interested in this story :-D And lastly, there's some general, vague homophobia mentioned in this chapter, a slur or two...nothing super serious though!
> 
> Happy reading!

“Can we do something else?” Tyler sighed, but Josh could hear that he was smiling though his eyes were focused on the TV screen.  
“Just two more races.” Josh compromised, finishing the last lap of Maple Treeway in first place, again.  
“Fine.” Tyler agreed and finished in fifth. “I’m getting better, right?”  
“Of course you are.” Josh laughed at Tyler’s request for a compliment, and Tyler’s face lit up slightly. “But not better than me.” Josh smirked and Tyler frowned, bumping the top of his head onto Josh’s shoulder. 

They were sitting on the couch in Josh’s living room playing Mario Kart, and had been doing so for the last hour. Josh’s family was in Columbus for the day and he had refused to come along, not only because he didn’t bother hanging out with them all day but also because that meant he could hang out with Tyler alone. Without getting teased, that is.  
“Come on, grumpy-pants. Let’s do Rainbow Road.” he suggested and Tyler laughed in disbelief.  
“Let’s not! I’m crap at Rainbow Road.” he shook his head.  
“You’re crap at all of them.” Josh joked back, but regretted it. He hated when he accidently said mean things. Luckily Tyler didn’t seem too bothered.  
“I know, but that one really frustrates me.” he sighed. “Do uh...the ice one. With the penguins.”  
“Oh no, I’m crap at that one.” Josh sighed, but felt that was fair all the same and picked that race. 

Throughout the race Josh was trying to stay focused, and he was too much so to realize the room going almost completely quiet with the exception of the sounds from the game. Suddenly however, somewhere on the second lap, Tyler cleared his throat.  
“Hey Josh can I uh...can I tell you something?” he asked. Josh was quiet for a moment, wondering how serious this could be. If it was very much so, Tyler probably wouldn’t have started in the middle of a race, he decided.  
“Sure.” he nodded, accidently turning to fast and breathing in a bit likewise.  
“You remember Monday? When I sort of bailed on you at lunch?” he spoke, and Josh was surprised with the amount of confidence in his voice so far. 

Josh hadn’t asked about the event in question, thinking there was probably a lot going on in Tyler’s mind at the time and that he would come to him in time. He had been right, apparently. 

“Yeah. Don’t worry about it, though.” Josh assured anyway.  
“Sorry about it. But that’s not what I was going to say. What I was going to say was uh...I was pretty upset about some things since before, it had nothing to do with you.” Tyler promised and Josh looked at him quickly.  
“I know.” he said, and he wanted to make sure Tyler knew he didn’t have to tell him anything, but then again that could be the wrong thing to say. Tyler had already decided what to say, and Josh appreciated being trusted, in the end.  
“Yes. Or yes, okay. Um-” Tyler cleared his throat again, pausing to focus on the game for a second before continuing. “I went to the bathroom just to calm down for a bit, and I met Brendon there. I told you a bit about him, right?” Tyler questioned, and Josh nodded without a word. He knew they had been friends before, but had a falling out when Brendon stopped going to church. “Yeah we...we ended up talking a little bit about that. He apologized for it. I didn’t think he would.” Tyler explained and Josh was still quiet, thinking of what to say. He was a bit speechless, and a bit surprised.  
“Why not?” Josh asked.  
“Josh, there’s a lot of things I’m not really telling you.” Tyler suddenly confessed and Josh turned to him, pausing the game as Tyler was now looking down into his lap.  
“I know.” Josh said, making Tyler look up. “It’s okay, you don’t have to.” This time Tyler stayed quiet, smiling softly as if he was relieved. Josh did the same, thinking Tyler should know this already.  
“Yeah. Anyway- you can continue the game, by the way.” Tyler suddenly sounded a bit more relaxed, and Josh did as told. “Anyway, he apologized to me for some of the things that happened, but there’s a lot more to it. You didn’t go here freshman year but-” Tyler paused, as if he was surprised he had said that at all. “But if you had, we probably wouldn’t be friends.”  
“Doubt it.” Josh joked, wanting to light up the situation slightly.  
“Sure. But I just...he did some things back then too, that he isn’t proud of I’m sure. But I know that he probably couldn’t own up to it if I asked him. And I know that wasn’t what he was apologizing for, he just pretends it didn’t happen. So I didn’t accept it at all. I just left.” Tyler breathed out, probably feeling relieved to have gotten it all off his shoulders. 

Josh was however troubled suddenly. He was good friends with Brendon, and although his philosophy was that the past was in the past and it didn’t have to stop people from being friends now, there was a difference between how he saw that with Tyler and how he saw it with everyone else. What could Brendon Urie have done, and what had he done to Tyler that he wasn’t going to apologize for? Tyler was being too vague for Josh to decide if he was upset with Brendon or not, it didn’t have to be that bad. But then again, he did worry.  
“I see.” Josh answered at a slight loss of words. He decided to go against himself. “Can I...ask what he did?”  
Tyler swallowed and hummed nervously. “I know he’s your friend and I used to know him really well too so you shouldn’t be too worried.” he begun, and Josh awaited an explanation. “No he just- he just started some rumors, or whatever.” Tyler suddenly sounded unsure, and Josh wondered if he was lying to him or if he was just nervous.  
“Okay.” he answered, thinking over that. What sort of rumors? Probably bad ones. Josh didn’t want to think about it too much.  
“You know- ah, there’s so much you don’t know. And I want to tell you but it’s useless.” Tyler thought out loud. “I didn’t go to public school until high school, as you know. Homeschooled until then. Brendon was in a public middle school though, so he basically knew everyone he was starting with. And I guess he just...I know he just wanted to make friends. I didn’t know anyone, and I was basically just the least cool person on this school now.” Tyler laughed quietly and Josh did the same, somehow also finding the humor in this situation. “So that’s probably why he did that. It’s best if you don’t know what it’s about though, that’s not really important.”  
“No, I don’t think so either.” Josh agreed. 

That was true. Whatever was said was probably just lies anyway, or at least it spiraled out of control somehow. But whatever it was about, Josh wasn’t mildly conflicted with it. He was very conflicted. He cleared everything up in his head, making sure he had gotten it right. Brendon and Tyler had been friends during middle school, but Tyler had been homeschooled. Then Brendon left the church before they started high school together, meaning the two had a falling out. At the same time rumors were being spread about Tyler, started by Brendon Urie himself. At that point, Josh clenched his jaw. His blood wasn’t exactly boiling, he wasn’t a person to get angry very easily. But when it came to hurting Tyler Joseph, he wasn’t sure he could trust that fact as much. And that he hadn’t apologized for it, but instead pretended it hadn’t happened? Josh had an idea.  
“So...what about you two?” he asked, thinking of an excuse to leave.  
“I don’t know. I just wanted to tell you. But I don’t want you to be mad at him or anything, and I’m not saying he’s doing this to everyone. It’s just...I don’t know, I thought I knew him and then it turned out I didn’t. He changes all the time.” Tyler explained, and Josh got his point.  
“But don’t you...don’t you want to solve it, once and for all?” Josh asked, and Tyler sighed.  
“I mean yeah, it would be nice to get closure on the whole deal but...I can’t force him to apologize if he isn’t sorry.”  
“Right.” Josh answered, finishing the race they were doing in first again.  
“Oh come on, you said you were bad at this one.” Tyler muttered, also changing the subject of thought.  
“I’ll let you win the next one.” Josh promised, smiling again. Tyler looked at him tiredly.  
“Don’t.” he sighed, but Josh could tell he was trying not to smile, making him grin even wider. Tyler looked away and leaned back on the couch. 

They played the next race as well, and this time Josh was deep in thought. He was friends with both Tyler Joseph and Brendon Urie, and somehow he wanted it all to work out. Tyler was in the end going to be a first priority for Josh somehow, and he wanted nothing more than for them to stay friends and Tyler to trust him. But at the same time he believed in the good in Brendon too, he refused to think he wasn’t sorry for starting rumors and leaving Tyler behind and hurting him in whatever way, and he was somehow troubling Tyler still. If he could just...make the two of them stop being stubborn and confront each other to put an end to all of that, he would feel rather accomplished. He could confirm Brendon was a good person, and Tyler wouldn’t have to worry about it so much anymore. And he would get to keep both his friends and maybe, if it wasn’t asking too much, they wouldn’t have to avoid each other but be friends again too. Wishful thinking, one thing at a time, Josh thought to himself. 

In the midst of his thoughts, Josh ended up slacking in the game and finishing in third with Tyler second, and he looked suspicious.  
“Did you let me win?” he asked, smirking slightly as if he knew Josh hadn’t.  
“No, I- uh I got bad items.” Josh excused, not really wanting to admit what he had been thinking about.  
“Oh, sure! Bad loser!” Tyler laughed, so Josh’s excuse had actually done more good than he expected.  
“No, I swear. One more.” Josh commented, knowing Tyler would say no, because he was quite competitive.  
“As if! Let me have this. Tell me I’m good at this game.” he smiled and Josh just could not stop doing the same. The creases at Tyler’s eyes, his crooked teeth and the way he raised his eyebrows slightly sometimes as if he could burst out laughing any second. Wonderful.  
“You’re wonderful.” Josh slipped out and suddenly Tyler’s face became confused, then a slight frown and he looked away. Josh panicked instantly, he had messed up. What could he do about it? Apologize? “Sorry.” he blurted but Tyler avoided his eyes still. “That was the wrong word. You’re terrible.” Josh tried again and this time Tyler closed his eyes and looked like he was trying not to grin again.  
“Oh come on, let’s just do something else.” he suggested and Josh felt a weight lift off his shoulders. He also felt a bit proud of himself, he had managed to get out of a badly awkward situation he had caused on himself without stuttering or saying something even worse. That was a first.

The two went to the kitchen, as it was past noon and Josh hadn’t eaten since breakfast and neither had Tyler, if he had eaten at all that day. Josh had told him yesterday that his family was going to Columbus for the day and before nine Tyler had been outside his door. Josh hadn’t really asked, he was just happy to see him. He was always more or less worried about Tyler though, that was sort of becoming standard. If he was eating, sleeping, if he was in a rough patch with his parents or with himself. Either way Josh tried to come up with something to make beside waffles, as there was not a lot more he could do.  
“Did you know Brendon’s a good cook?” he asked, then realizing bringing Brendon up might not have been a great thing. Then again, he wanted to normalize it.  
“No. Why?” Tyler asked, hopping up on the kitchen counter. Simply this act made Josh a bit speechless. The sun was shining in through clouds, landing on Tyler’s back from the window and making him shine. Not like the sun, fainter. Like the moon. Or the stars.  
“We made lasagna once. He knew how to by heart.” Josh explained and Tyler nodded, looking a little impressed, and somehow melancholic at the same time.  
“You know how to make waffles by heart.” he comforted and Josh laughed.  
“Anyone can do that.” he defended and Tyler frowned.  
“Not me.”  
“Well, what I’m saying is I wish I was that good, then I’d make food every minute I’m awake.” Josh shrugged, opening the fridge.  
“Don’t compare yourself to Brendon Urie.” Tyler suddenly said with a change of tone and Josh paused before turning to look at him. He was observing his feet as he swung them back and forth from the counter. “You’re nothing alike.” he continued quietly. Josh couldn’t take it.  
“You don’t really like him, do you?” Josh asked, though it was obvious the answer was no. Tyler sighed and looked at him tiredly, and Josh felt very guilty, but at the same time he had to say it. He had to bring these things up so that he could make them talk to each other again. People just...couldn’t go years without resolving old conflicts. It didn’t work that way.  
“Let’s talk about something else.” Tyler responded, looking a bit gloomy.  
“Okay, sorry.” Josh smiled and walked over to Tyler, who was still looking at his feet. “I just don’t want you to be upset.” he said, and Tyler flinched slightly. Josh realized he was acting way too caring today, he was being much too close. He was making Tyler uncomfortable, probably. He took a step back.  
“I’m not upset.” Tyler said and looked up, looking satisfied enough for Josh to relax.  
“Okay.” Josh finished, deciding he was done asking questions. He didn’t particularly like asking too many questions, he knew it was annoying for other people. The worst part about that was that he usually knew very little and could use a _book about friendships and general social life for dummies. ___  
“How...um...how is he doing?” Tyler asked suddenly, fidgeting his hands in his lap.  
“Good, I think.” Josh responded, trying not to sound too surprised by his question. He was somehow glad this conversation wasn’t over, though. “You don’t talk to him at all?”  
“Not really. Jenna and Sarah used to invite me to hang out because they don’t really know what happened there but...no, I mostly try not to. I can’t...look at him the same way, and neither can he with me, probably.” Tyler sighed.  
“I don’t know about that. Brendon’s pretty...understanding. I think.” Josh tried. “Accepting, you know?”  
Tyler huffed and smiled to himself. “Maybe too much so.” he said. Josh thought what he could mean by it. How could one be too understanding and accepting? Forgiving at all? He knew it would be dumb to ask, so he left it quietly. 

____

Tyler stayed on the kitchen counter, and his face wasn’t bright and smiley anymore. Josh couldn’t tear his eyes away, knowing he was the one who caused it. It felt cold and scratchy to know that, and he wanted to apologize. He didn’t mostly because he knew Tyler didn’t blame him. He only ever blamed himself, in the end. It felt as if that expression would never go away unless Josh did something about it, so he picked up his phone and sent a text to Brendon.  
“Hey, wanna hang out at my house? I’m home alone.” he sent, then frowned at himself. “Don’t get the wrong idea.”  
“Anyway,” Josh continued, deciding to change the subject, finally. “I’ll make something, you can wait in my room if you want.” Josh suggested, having to try very hard not to feel guilty about what he was attempting to do.  
“Kay.” Tyler agreed without question, stretching his arms and yawning as he disappeared. “I might be sleeping.” he warned. Josh smiled at the idea of Tyler sleeping in his bed.  
“Then you won’t be able to sleep tonight.” Josh countered. 

Minutes later Josh got response, his phone letting out a signal.  
“Now I really have the wrong idea. Slip into something comfortable and I’ll be there in 10 ;-)” Brendon sent and Josh rolled his eyes. This had to work out, he just needed a little luck. If everything turned out right, the outcome would be desirable. But by the time he realized he might lose his two best friends, it was already too late. Josh pushed that thought down and fought to trust himself. He could solve this. 

Josh mostly spent the next ten minutes pacing back and forth, and panicked off to the door when he heard approach on the doorstep.  
“Woah, hello.” Brendon said, stepping back. Josh felt the need to explain himself, even though the reason he’d swung the door open was that he didn’t want Brendon to ring the bell.  
“Yeah, I was just by the door. Anyway, I was just making food so you can wait on my room, if you’d like.” Josh said, but Brendon was not as easily convinced, quirking an eyebrow.  
“Uh, I can help you. Also, let me in.” he said, putting his hands in his pockets. Josh swallowed nervously, feeling more and more anxious by the second. This had to work. He hadn’t really prepared for people being mad at him, but that was going to happen.  
“Sorry.” he said, stepping out of the way. “And it won’t be long. Just...go...up there.” Josh tried, hearing how stupid he sounded.  
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Brendon laughed, kicking his shoes off. “Are you alright? You seem kind of...tense.” he continued, sounding half-sarcastic and half-worried as he met Josh’s eyes as if to understand him better.  
“I’m good. Or well, there is something. But we can take it later.” Josh nodded, looking down. Brendon looked at him for a while longer, before brushing his hand lightly on Josh’s shoulder in support.  
“Whatever you say.” he smiled comfortably. Josh figured Brendon thought Josh was in some bad situation, when in reality he had put himself in it. 

As Brendon walked up the stairs, Josh waited a few seconds and felt his guts swirl in nervosity as he followed quietly. There was no turning back. He was doing this. 

 

Tyler heard footsteps up the stairs and turned away from the window. Josh’s window was larger than his, but their views were about the same, except you could see the edge of the forest from Josh’s. Either way, he was sort of hoping for waffles. Josh made good waffles.  
“Don’t hate me.” Josh called suddenly before he stepped into the room. Except it wasn’t him, but someone completely else. Tyler’s body went stiff and turned colder.  
“Josh.” Tyler and Brendon said at the same time, but the door closed behind Brendon.  
“I know you guys don’t get along too well. And I basically know why. So please just uh...sort that out.” Josh’s voice came from the other side of the door.  
“Josh, this really isn’t your responsibility.” Tyler tried, feeling his heart start to beat faster. He hated being in situations he couldn’t get out of, and Josh should know that. Why would he do this?  
“My dude, you can’t just shut us in and make us make up.” Brendon argued too, obviously avoiding to look at Tyler, though he was stood right in front of him. Tyler didn’t really like that distance, so he made it longer by backing a few steps, back to the window.  
“I know. But you two are important to me and I don’t want you to walk around not being able to look each other in the eye.” Josh explained, and Tyler could maybe somehow see his point. He didn’t agree though. He didn’t want to lose Josh to someone else, but he would rather do that than be with Brendon Urie.

That thought put a stick in the wheel of Tyler’s mind. Did he actually think that? Brendon kept arguing while Tyler sunk deep into his own head, sitting down on Josh’s bed. He wasn’t going to trade Josh for this. What was even this? A fight that he had probably made a lot more dramatic than it was in his head, and it was in the past. Josh didn’t believe in the past, he believed in the moment and in the future. He never asked about it unless he had to, and he never let it define anyone. That was what made him great, whether you had known him for years or months. And Brendon Urie, well- he had done bad things. Things he promised he wouldn’t. He was, somehow, a bad person. Loud, obnoxious, blunt. Slept around, and not just with girls. Tyler avoided thinking about that as much as possible, but it bothered him so much. The way he flaunted it, walked around saying dirty things and believing everyone were...like him. But then there was Josh, who believed in the good in everyone. If he wanted him to try, then he could. But he wasn’t going to succeed. 

“Okay.” he agreed, shutting both of the others up. Brendon sighed, but then nodded and looked down.  
“Okay, then.” he said back, but then it was quiet.  
“Good. Uh, good. I’ll leave you. Come down when you’ve come somewhere.” Josh finished and his footsteps revealed his departure. Tyler and Brendon were alone. As it seemed, they both hated it.  
“Never thought he’d be one to do something like this.” Brendon sighed, equally repelled to start this conversation as Tyler, who just hummed in response instead. “It’s like something out of a fucking movie.” Tyler had barely forgotten about Brendon’s bad mouth, too. It was quiet for a moment as if Brendon was thinking. Tyler had forgotten he had that ability, too. Didn’t use it like he should. 

“So you told him about...our shared past.”  
“Don’t make it sound more special than it is.” Tyler interrupted, ignoring his question. It became clear Brendon hadn’t actually been wondering that when he too changed the subject again.  
“We were best friends.” Brendon corrected desperately. Tyler hummed, staring down the floor.  
“Were we?” he asked, looking up but regretting it, flickering his gaze away. “You have a wicked definition of that, Brendon.”  
“I don’t. I regret what happened, I should have stayed with you when people started talking shit about you.” Brendon defended, and Tyler was actually surprised to hear it. Although he was still lying, in a way.  
“People? You mean you?” he spat, standing up. 

Brendon was about to counter, but Tyler interrupted him. “I didn’t know anyone, and you were desperate to so you started spreading rumors about me. I know it’s true so don’t deny it. Why would you even say things like that? Were you insecure about being so...diverse, that you made people think I was?” Tyler welled, already feeling his throat start to thicken, though he was against it.  
“Tyler, I did-” Brendon started, but Tyler was too afraid of him lying he couldn’t let him speak at all.  
“They wrote things on my locker, and they followed me home after school. I went from class early and ran home and hid in the woods so they wouldn’t find me! Did you know that?” Tyler challenged, starting to twitch slightly to keep himself from crying as he paced back and forth.  
“Tyler, calm down. I didn’t know that, but can you listen to me?” Brendon asked, sounding less calm than he was acting.  
“No! I know it because you completely stopped talking to me and you never defended me, you just...watched it happen. You knew everyone here is against gay people, and everyone thought my family was conservative. When they found out-” Tyler stopped himself, remembering the afternoon his mother had gotten a call from school. “When they found- found-” he hiccuped, stepping backwards, pushing his thoughts down so hard a headache was swelling. Down, down, down. Don’t remember, he urged. 

“Tyler, listen to me.” Brendon asked slowly and Tyler’s vision became blurry, then clear as teardrops fell from his face toward the floor. “I’m sorry about all of that but-” Tyler looked up, feeling like he could a kill a person with just his eyes with the way he was glaring. Brendon swallowed. “I swear to you on my life, I didn’t start those rumors.” Brendon explained, and Tyler clenched his jaw and looked away.  
“Stop lying to me.” he growled.  
“I’m not, I’m not lying. I don’t know how it happened, but I promise you I never talked about you behind your back, and I sure as hell didn’t tell anyone you were gay or- or anything.” Brendon said firmly, and then there was a pause. A long one. Tyler was starting believe him, and then the more he thought about it the more he did.  
“What?” he whispered, his body aching from being tense as he slouched more and stopped holding his crying back so much.  
“I wouldn’t do that.” Brendon sighed.  
“Then...then...why’d you leave me?” Tyler whimpered and looked up, and he saw some of the worst shame and guilt and sorrow he had ever seen on anyone’s face.  
“You were right about some things. I did care about my reputation, and I was desperate to make friends. So I didn’t want to be associated with you. I know it’s fucking horrible and I don’t understand what was going on in my head but I hope you can, somehow. You were always smarter than me, at least.” he spoke, shifting his weight between his feet nervously. 

Tyler was silent for a moment.

“And, um...I’m sorry about your parents. I get it of they’re...if they were upset about it. They shouldn’t have been.” Brendon said quietly and Tyler frowned.  
“They had all right to be mad.” he defended. He and Brendon shared a look where they tried to understand each other. When it came to diversity his parents were definitely strict. His mom especially, but she was right too. Tyler never dared to think about it too much, it was just an off-bounds subject in general, but it was very scary to think she had hated the idea so much. “Tell me this isn’t true. I swear on the Lord’s love if you are...some sort of fag-” she hadn’t gotten much further as Tyler had started crying and promising it wasn’t true. He wasn’t that, and he had nothing to do with anyone like that. It was a good thing he and Brendon weren’t friends. Still, he never thought badly of him for that reason in particular. He...barely thought badly of him at all now. If he did it was because he was loud and way too open about it in public, it could make people uncomfortable. That could of course be what he was aiming for. 

“It’s good.” Brendon interrupted Tyler’s thoughts, making him look up. “That we sorted that out, I mean.”  
“Yeah, that’s good.” Tyler agreed. It felt strangely unsurprising Brendon hadn’t started rumors about him now, it was just unlikely he would have somehow.  
“Josh was right, I guess.” Brendon sighed and Tyler remembered how this situation started at all.  
“Oh, Josh. I’m going to punch him.” Tyler groaned, smiling a little too.  
“That’s a violent thanks. We did make up, basically.” Brendon shrugged.  
“You’re not off the hook that easily, I’m still mad about you leaving me for your other friends when everyone started talking about me.” Tyler crossed his arms over his chest, but somehow the atmosphere was much lighter on that subject now.  
“Oh, right. Well...will you let me make up for it? All that time we could have been friends but we weren’t because I was an asshole?” Brendon attempted, and Tyler frowned. If his parents found out he was in any contact with Brendon Urie...the thought made him shiver slightly. “Or well, uh...we don’t have to be friends. Because I mean, I’m amazing.” Tyler looked at him in doubt, furrowing his eyebrows. Apparently that made him smile. “But I’m not for everyone.” Tyler ended up smiling a bit too, and they kept doing that for a little while.  
“So?” Tyler then said.  
“So on the road to make you forgive me, I can start with making you dinner sometime.” Brendon smiled proudly, and Tyler remembered what Josh had said.  
“Yeah, I heard you’re a good cook.” he said, looking at the floor.  
“Really? Well, uh- That’s a lie, I can only make lasagna.” Brendon laughed and Tyler snorted, covering his face. “Don’t tell anyone that, though. I like that rumor.”  
“I’m going to spread the fact you’re not actually a good cook like wildfire.” Tyler warned and they laughed quietly for a while longer.  
“How about we go downstairs instead?” Brendon suggested and the two shared a look of agreement. 

 

Josh flinched when he heard steps down the stairs. He had been mentally preparing himself for someone to come thundering down and beating him up if he were to be honest, and he also hadn’t expected them to actually stay in there. To distract himself from their conversation, which he could hear slightly through the ceiling, he had turned on the radio. Fortunately he hadn’t heard too much anyway. But now someone were coming down the stairs. Josh looked up from leaning on his arms over the table and stood up when his two friends came into view. They both looked a bit roughed up, Tyler probably more so. Josh could tell he had been crying, and instantly felt bad and wanted to apologize, but stayed quiet. He had his arms across his chest, which couldn’t be a good sign. Brendon sighed deeply and raised his eyebrows, while Josh held his breath and furrowed his.  
“Weren’t you making food?” Brendon asked and both Josh and Tyler turned to him in surprise. Then Tyler seemed to crack a smile and looked at Josh in challenge.  
“Yeah, you told me that too. Don’t let me down now.” he said, and Josh stood frozen for a moment, trying to process this event. In some way, Brendon and Tyler were teaming up against him. But in a good way. A really good way. Josh broke into a grin as well.  
“I guess- I guess I’ll do that now?” he responded with a questioning tone.  
“I think Brendon should do it.” Tyler said and Brendon turned to him in surprise as if he hadn’t been expecting him to speak. To be fair, this was probably the first time in a long time he said his name with a smile on his face. “You know, show off your cooking skills.”  
“Oh, come on. Are you kidding me?” Brendon snorted, lifting his hands in defeat. Josh laughed, though he couldn’t quite understand what was funny. He was mostly just happy the two of them were looking at each other, talking to each other in another way than dismissive. Smiling, even. What more could a boy want in life than for his friends who had once been friends but had a falling out to be friends again?  
“Oh, but do you have things for lasagna? Because he can’t make anything else.” Tyler said and Brendon burst out laughing, and somehow they kept joking and laughing about this matter until they couldn’t understand why it was funny anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woop! Happy to get that posted! 
> 
> This chapter was sort of important to me, and I've just been sort of waiting to get these things sorted out. We've known Tyler has secrets for a while, and although he's not run dry on those quite yet, it's good to get this off my and his shoulders. I didn't want to make it all too dramatic, but you can definitely read between the lines and theorize a bit about their former friendship. It's all a big puzzle, you know. 
> 
> Either way, I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it, and I hope you stick around! Leave a little review if you want, and as always I appreciate any and all support *u*


	17. "Sarah Frowns."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a heavy Monday, the air's tense with bad news and secrets. Josh is torn between congratulating a friend and emotionally supporting another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm not dead! 
> 
> Sorry it's been a while. I actually have very little excuses. I guess I just ran out of ideas for a minute, and my document is getting really big and the story's getting so long it's hard for even me to keep up. But I'll just keep churning out, I want this to be 1000 chapters of pointless, pretty badly written teen drama. Hope you enjoy it, though!

Josh knew from the get-go today was gonna be a bit of a day. It was Monday again, and the reasons it was going to be a bit of a day were many. For example it was the first day in school since Tyler and Brendon made up, and it was obvious this was going to change some things in their friendship dynamic. Josh and Tyler didn’t have any classes together, but they all had lunch together. Everyone in the family. (Josh had thought about that old concept Sarah told him about. Tyler was to be considered a distant cousin. It felt really, really weird to think that however, as Josh wasn’t 100% platonic with the poor kid). 

Along with that, there was the entire fact that Brendon had a party on Friday on which Sarah had tried to get to him, but Brendon had convinced Josh to help him woo a girl named Lizzy Grant. And he did, and it succeeded. Sarah was to be very upset over this, and Josh prayed that she didn’t know what he had done. Of course he hadn’t meant to spill a drink on the guy Lizzy was talking to and therefore making her easy for Brendon to approach. But he did, and then Tyler appeared and they disappeared together from the scene. Josh had read the text Sarah sent him over and over, trying to decipher it. He had responded with an “I’m sorry. I’m sure he’ll come to his senses, but don’t waste your time, okay?” but he was still unsure what Brendon had said to Sarah that hurt her. She wrote that he wasn’t interested and made it clear enough. Josh wanted to ask him, but truly the whole thing wasn’t his business and it was theirs to solve. Though he hadn’t had that mindset when he shut in Brendon and Tyler on his room to solve their problems.

Either way, Josh was troubled. 

To his surprise, Tyler met him outside his house as Josh came down the street. He looked a bit disoriented, and Josh made space in his mind for him like always.  
“Good morning.” he smiled, feeling a skip in his step as Tyler looked up and smiled back.   
“Morning.” he responded and they started walking together without another word having to be said. “You’re walking today too?”   
“Yeah, because it’s frosty and the streets get slippery. My mom worries I’ll crash the bike.” Josh laughed nervously, studying Tyler’s features closely. His eyes were so dark and sharp in the morning, it was hard not to look.   
“Right. Well, mine just broke. Or well, Zack broke it.” Tyler explained, frowning slightly.   
“Ah. Otherwise?” Josh sighed, wanting Tyler to tell him whatever was on his mind. Tyler always had a lot on his mind and if they didn’t hang out for at least a minute every day the updates got really long.   
“Nothing special.” Tyler shrugged and Josh furrowed his eyebrows.  
“Huh?” he huffed, making Tyler look at him. “Nada?”   
“Yep. You?” Tyler asked back, and Josh couldn’t help but smile, though he was indeed troubled at the time.   
“Lots.” he sighed, and Tyler nodded and bumped his shoulder to his in support and understanding. 

Arriving at school they had to split up to head to their separate classes, Josh however had english with Sarah. Luckily they were alone, which meant a perfect chance to give her a hug and talk if she wanted. Josh saw her in the hallway, scrolling through her phone. Her hair wasn’t curled and she didn’t have her usual winged eyeliner.   
“Mornin’.” Josh greeted and wrapped his free arm around her when she looked up. Sarah responded the same way, sighing into his shoulder. Josh was relieved, she wasn’t mad and he could apologize if he got the chance.   
“Hi.” Sarah responded weakly, leaning back. “How are you?”   
“You’re always too caring. How are you?” Josh shook his head and Sarah rolled her eyes.   
“Okay. Been better, been worse.” she shrugged. “A little confused, also. You know what happened?”   
“I do.” Josh nodded and they both sighed. “It’s a shame, Sarah. If his head wasn’t in the clouds he’d realize he loves you.” Sarah laughed at this, which was uplifting.   
“Sure.”   
Josh thought for a second, wondering what could ever have happened to Sarah that made simple rejection something that beat her down so fast? “What did he say to you?” he asked, and Sarah kept her eyes to the floor.  
“He, uh-” she was interrupted when the teacher came along and unlocked the classroom, and soon more students came down the hall. Josh figured Sarah would wait with telling him, but instead kept her voice down as they walked inside. “We were just talking, or dancing, or whatever. He was smiling a lot, and he was a little drunk and all. I’ve seen Brendon flirt with people a hundred times and I know...I know that he was.” Sarah smiled, and so did Josh, though there obviously a melancholy over the entire situation already. “But then something happened, I don’t know, some guy got really mad and stuff.” Josh swallowed nervously, knowing this was where he came in and ruined everything. “Brendon went to check out what was going on, and he was gone for a while, and by the time I got over there he was...he was kissing that girl Lizzy. He was only away for like five minutes. I was pretty surprised, even for him.” 

Josh was thoughtful for the rest of the day, being dragged between comforting Sarah and listening to Brendon talk cheerfully about Lizzy. Therefore it was a relief to see Tyler in the hallway, scrolling through his phone as he half-heartedly dug through his locker. Josh’s class had gotten to leave a little early and they had lunch now, so he made his way over before anyone else could.   
“Oh, hey!” Tyler seemed happy, smiling as he saw him. Josh wanted to wonder why, but people were allowed to just be happy, weren’t they?  
“Hi.” Josh responded, a bit taken by Tyler’s smile.   
“How’s it going? With...Sarah, and all that.” Tyler asked and pulled out his backpack. “Also do you want to have lunch outside? It’s nice out.”   
Josh nodded before anything else, getting his backpack too. “It’s difficult. She’s super sad- wait, how do you know about this stuff? I didn’t tell you.” Josh remembered not wanting to tell Tyler about it so he wouldn’t be mad.   
“I already knew Sarah liked him,” Josh smiled a little bit, thinking how it seemed everyone knew except Brendon himself. “and I heard from Brendon and the gang what went down.” Josh nodded.   
“What a mess, huh?” he sighed.  
“What a mess.” Tyler agreed. 

Only moments later they were seated outside, and indeed the sun was shining. Josh sort of wished he had brought sunglasses, but it was fall. For some reason it’s taboo to wear sunglasses in winter even though that’s usually the brightest season, with snow and all that.   
“I wanted to uh...I wanted to thank you for...the entire thing with Brendon, by the way. It’s nice knowing we’re on the same page.” Tyler suddenly spoke. Josh smiled to himself. There was a change in Tyler’s behaviour recently, and it involved him not being so conceited. It was very comfortable.   
“It’s no problem. I didn’t want you two fighting, or whatever. Do you talk to him now?” Josh followed up, squinting against the sun.   
“I haven’t since we hung out. I don’t know if he and I can really be friends, we’re too different. You and I, we- we match better. But Lizzy Grant is living proof that Brendon and I are from different planets.” Josh hummed, trying not to hook on “we match better”, though it was hard to keep that feeling in his stomach away. He liked being complimented.   
“I’m gonna solve all that too. I can’t stand seeing Sarah so upset, and Brendon’s so oblivious-”   
“Wait, hold on. You? Why are you solving it?” Tyler laughed quietly and Josh looked at him with a begging expression. “You care so much. It’s not your responsibility, alright?” he then comforted.   
“No, that’s not it. Or well, it is. But the thing is- ugh, it’s my fault.” Josh groaned, remembering the party, despite having hit his head quite hard.   
“I really doubt that.” Tyler shook his head.   
“No, it is, see. Oh, you’re going to hate me for this.” Josh sighed, leaning forward and putting his half-finished lunch to the side. Tyler took as a sign for something serious and did the same, but didn’t say anything. “Brendon asked me to somehow separate Lizzy from her friends so he could talk to her. Fine, whatever, his funeral.” Tyler smiled a little at this. “But just a while earlier Sarah had told me about her feelings for him. So I decided I shouldn’t do it, but then I figured it was Sarah and Brendon’s business anyway and I don’t know, it just became a big mess in my head. And then I go and accidently spill Jack’s drink on this guy Lizzy was talking to, and then it just happened really fast. When I came to my house it was too late, Brendon had gotten to Lizzy, etcetera, etcetera.” Josh finished, not daring to look up at Tyler until he spoke.   
“Well, then it wasn’t your fault.” he muttered thoughtfully.   
“What?” Josh asked, though he probably could have figured it out. He just preferred to blame himself.   
“You didn’t do it on purpose, so it wasn’t like you wanted to. Oh Josh, you just...you worry too much! You think too much about other people’s feelings, they’re not your responsibility.” Tyler sighed, resting a hand on his friend’s neck for a moment.   
“Like I’m the only one who does that.” Josh countered, looking up at Tyler with a challenging bend of his eyebrows.   
“Don’t make this about me, Joshua.” Tyler lectured, pointing a finger in his face. “You are correct though.”   
“Hypocrite.” 

Just as they stood up, having finished their lunch, the sound of approaching footsteps had Josh turning around quickly. He was quickly learning the sound of people’s feet by name, and felt a bit anxious.   
“Hey boys. So this is where you’re hiding?” Brendon grinned, speak of the devil. Dallon was stood a bit behind him, looking down into his phone. Wearing all black on a sunny day. What a guy.  
“Yep.” Josh had no idea what to say. He just confessed to Tyler about his accidental mistake and things were very weird for him toward Brendon right now. But Brendon was grateful to him, because he just didn’t understand what was under his nose…  
“Oh, and are you alright, bro? I heard you hit your head at the party.” Brendon couldn’t quite seem to stop grinning, and suddenly Tyler poked in.   
“You seem cheerful, Brendon. Anything specific on your mind?” he asked and Josh flinched at the tone. He was indirectly serious. Oh, please don’t fight now, Josh thought as he shared a similar look with Dallon. Brendon seemed to not want to fight either, so he just nodded.   
“Yeah, man. You know Lizzy Grant?” he asked, and the name hung in the air for a heavy moment.   
“I do.” Josh could almost hear Tyler add “unfortunately”.   
“Well, I’m with her. I mean she’s only in town for a couple of weeks but she likes me, etcetera.” Brendon explained, and it seemed to make everyone uneasy to hear it. Sarah’s secret itched in Josh’s chest. 

As they all walked back into the school building, a few of them heading for the same classes, they were unfortunately met by Jenna and Sarah who both had been nowhere to be seen since the morning. Josh smiled softly at them both, but he felt some sort of cold from Jenna. Oh no, did she know? Did she know what he had done? Cold prickled into Josh’s skin as he thought about it, the conversation from his friends fuzzy in his ears.   
“You alright?” Tyler muttered, softly bumping his shoulder, managing not to draw attention to them from the others. Josh glanced up at Sarah and Jenna before responding. Dallon was nodding at something Sarah was talking about, but Jenna just about flicked her icy blue eyes away for Josh to catch them.   
“Yeah, spaced out.” he excused.   
“Okay, I was dismissed once! Josh, seriously, what happened? Did anyone see?” Brendon grinned and slapped his friend on the arm softly. Josh once more looked up and met Jenna’s eyes. Oh, she knew. But she didn’t say anything. Tyler once more took over.   
“Didn’t see your dumb fall but once I got there you were wriggling like a baby on the floor.” he joked and everyone laughed a little.   
“I, uh…” Confess, idiot. Do it. “I was holding Jack’s drink for him, and then there was just a big wave in the crowd and I spilled it on this guy’s shoes. He got pissed and pushed me over.” Josh shrugged, but Brendon seemed impressed by this story. “I didn’t recognize him though. I don’t know, it was pretty fast.” Good. I mean, you spared the details, but there you go, Josh thought and sighed softly. Jenna’s eyes were on him sharply. 

They were all separated again and Josh headed for math with probably the worst possible duo at the moment, Jenna and Brendon. Brendon was somehow so oblivious, despite being so intelligent and usually observant. Had that Lizzy girl really swooped him off his feet so bad? Either way, Jenna was quiet and strict today, she didn’t seem to enjoy either of the boys’ company particularly, especially Brendon. Of course, that was understandable. Sarah was her best friend. If anyone hurt Tyler, Josh would be sure to give them a good glare. And maybe a punch. He smiled a bit as he thought about it. 

As class ended Josh had a weird feeling in his stomach, as if something was about to go wrong. Brendon bumped into his side and threw an arm around his shoulders as they made their way out of the classroom.   
“Dude, I just realized. That guy you spilled your drink on, wasn’t it him that Lizzy was talking to?” he started all of a sudden, smiling to himself.   
“Uh, yeah. Also, it wasn’t mine.” Josh corrected.   
“What! So you did help me out in the end.” he grinned, but the two of them suddenly stopped as the way was blocked.   
“Help with what?” Jenna asked, and Sarah was beside her. Apparently she had gotten out into the hallway and met her before them…   
“Oh, the night of my party…” Brendon started and then laughed a little. Josh unhooked himself from his arm as he realized he was about to be sold out. No one who could help were anywhere to be seen either, like Dallon. “I made Josh agree to help me distract Lizzy’s friends so that I could talk to her, and that’s how he pissed that guy off so much.” he explained, and Josh dug his eyes to deep into the floor he forgot how to breathe.   
“Sorry, what?” Sarah muttered, and their eyes met. She looked like she didn’t believe it at first, but quickly puzzled the pieces together.   
“I told you, that was an accident. I wouldn’t go throwing drinks at people. Especially that aren’t mine.” Josh tried to save, looking half-heartedly at Brendon.  
“Are you kidding me? Both of you.” Jenna growled, staring at them both.   
“Jenna, relax.” Brendon tried, oblivious as always.   
“No, are you serious? Do you have no dignity at all? If this Lizzy b- girl, can be so easily bought, then why are you so interested in her?” Jenna continued, and Josh could feel him and Sarah being equal in this situation. Neither wanted so much drama, but Brendon was getting what was coming for him.   
“Hey, that’ none of your business. She’s nice.” he defended, crossing his arms. “And why the fuck do you care, anyway?” he sounded cold, and Josh looked at him.   
“Guys-” he tried to interrupt, but didn’t get far.   
“Sarah?” Jenna asked, and the dark-haired girl looked up from her feet. All eyes were on her. “Anything to add?”  
“No.” she said quickly, and Josh would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little disappointed.   
“No, exactly.” Brendon sighed, leaning back. Somehow, that lit a fire.   
“Actually, you know what? It is my business.” Sarah countered. “I’ve known you forever and I know how you just go from girl to girl like that, like they’re actually nothing to you.” 

Then air felt tense from this statement, as if it was way too early in the argument for something like that. Josh definitely wished they weren’t doing this in the middle of the hallway. Some people were stopping to look. Dallon’s lanky frame stood out, and Josh quietly moved over to him.  
“Is this what I think it is?” he whispered, bending down a little.   
“I’m afraid so.” Josh answered. 

“What? Where’s this coming from, you guys?” Brendon scoffed, looking between them. He appeared smaller in front of these two girls.   
“Am I wrong?” Sarah challenged, pretty much ignoring his fair question.  
“Sarah, that has nothing to do with you. I’m not a saint, when did you start believing I was?” he asked. Josh was surprised to hear him...surrender so easily. He had always been under the impression that Brendon was confident. Humble, but still full of himself. Somehow.   
“I don’t know, to be honest. I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter, no one’s a saint, it doesn’t give you right to toss girls around like that.” Sarah cried out, louder than anyone had ever heard her be, probably.   
“Why do you care?” Brendon called back, throwing his arms out. “Huh?”  
Josh hoped she would say it. Just tell him already. But Sarah was stunned. Silent, if not maybe whimpering a little. When Jenna realized she wasn’t going to counter, she took her hand and led her away from the scene.   
“What are you all staring at?” she snapped, and people started clearing. “Thanks for the help, Josh.” she then mumbled as they walked past. Josh didn’t manage to respond, and instead looked up at Dallon.   
“Yeah, that went about as well as I had expected.” he sighed.   
“Do you think it’s over?” Josh asked, hoping he’d say it was. Dallon was usually right anyway.   
“You’re joking, I hope.” he just said, and then Brendon joined them and started asking and ranting and swearing about the situation that just happened. It didn’t quite seem he understood it. Not at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go! Not that long, and somehow still slow. Either way, phew! Is it just me or is it getting emotionally draining in here? 
> 
> Why can't Sarah just...admit her feeling smh...my girl, pull your shit together. Hopefully I'll see you guys again soon with a new chapter!


	18. "Wow, I Probably Should Have Stayed Inside My House."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Christmas decorating get-together at Brendon's, and things are going very good. But then again, it's Tyler's Birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while! This one is pretty long, and it was supposed to be longer, but I just wanted to end it before it got ridiculous...-ly full of angst. Which it will the next chapter. Look out. 
> 
> Happy reading!

A cold wave of air crashed against Tyler’s bare, wet skin as he stepped out of the shower and into the steamy but cool bathroom, grabbing a towel from a peg. After wrapping it around his hips, he cleared the fog on the mirror with the side of his hand and was met with his flushed face and tired-looking eyes. It wasn’t anything particularly new, but he could use winter break right about now. But it was only the first of December, a clear and chilly morning. But the news said there’d be rain later. He didn’t doubt it, no Christmas feelings in bitter old Ohio are allowed. Preferably no Birthday feelings either, thank you very much.

Making the walk between the bathroom and his bedroom quick, Tyler threw his clothes on his bed and gathered his phone from the desk as a buzz sent it vibrating across it. Even though he was alone, Tyler fought not to let a smile tug at his lips more than necessary as he saw who it was from.  
“Hi (-: B invited me over to help decorate his house for Christmas. Wanna come along?” Josh texted, and Tyler drew his lips into a crooked smile in the end. Josh didn’t know about his Birthday, apparently. He figured Brendon would have told him, but that guy probably still felt guilty and he knew Tyler preferred not to make his Birthday a big deal. Though it wasn’t great either, it meant Josh would probably be a bit upset when he did find out.  
“Is that alright with him? Also your smiley was the wrong way around.” he texted back. Tyler figured Brendon had invited more people than Josh, but he sort of felt like dragging the conversation out for some reason. Josh took a little while to finish writing.  
“Ur asking if Brendon Urie wants more company? I can almost hear him say ‘the more the merrier’. Also, ur the wrong way around.” he wrote.  
“Same. Alright, I’ll be there. Also, true.” Tyler sent and tossed the phone to his bed, a little bit embarrassed about how much he was enjoying that conversation. 

Although all seemed almost fine with the world; Tyler was...somehow looking forward to hanging out with a group of friends who were actually rather dysfunctional at the moment and - after all - a group of people, and he wouldn’t have to spend the day with his family, he knew there was an issue with that. It was his birthday and his family liked to overdo this event to the extent that it was not at all enjoyable. And he didn’t want to lie about where he was going, even though they definitely did not want him going to Brendon’s house. On his Birthday. The more of these facts popped into his head, the more Tyler wished he had said no. But at the same time, there were times you just had to do what you wanted. Man, was he _turning into _Brendon Urie?__

___Still, the little hope he had faded when his door suddenly opened, and Tyler was grateful for having put on pants._  
“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you…” his family sang slowly, entering with light steps. His mother was holding a cake with candles of course, and his siblings had smiles on their faces. Their song was haunting.  
“Happy Birthday, dear Ty-ler! Happy Birthday to you.” they finished and Jay applauded himself, and they all laughed. Tyler did too. Although he was getting tired of his Birthday since he had done it seventeen times now, it was charming all the same. He decided to crack a joke.  
“I wish I don’t have to celebrate my birthday next year.” he half-whispered and then hurriedly attempted blowing out the candles.  
“Tyler!” his father laughed at him, which made him lose focus and grin, which unfortunately led to him only being able to blow out thirteen in one go.  
“Well, now it won’t come true anyway.” he shrugged.  
“Can I do the last ones?” Zack asked, earning a glance from their mother.  
“Sure, buddy.” Tyler smiled and Zack beamed at him, quickly blowing out the last candles and then rushing into their shared room to flee from their parents.  
“If you leave you won’t get any cake.” Tyler warned, and his little brother was soon out of the room again as his family went downstairs to have a traditional joined breakfast, of course. Tyler was going to ruin it. 

__They all sat down and his mother presented him with a gift as he sat down.  
“Jeez, Kelly, let the boy sit down.” his dad laughed and they all did the same. Tyler would too, but he knew he was going to ruin this mood very soon. No, he’d wait until after. Oh Lord, he should have said no to Josh. He realized this when he saw his mother’s glistening eyes and radiant smile. _ _

__Tyler and his mother had been on bad terms for, well...ever since he quit basketball last year. He was quiet, spent too much time alone, didn’t focus in church, snapped at them more and was generally a bother. Last but definitely not least did he hide things from them, his instruments and his friends and everything. Now he had been spending a lot of time with a certain boy, and due to old lies being spread about him, his parents were paranoid of this. His mom mostly. But ever since his mom took his ukulele from him, which was also around the time he came on better terms with Brendon Urie again, things had been getting better. For some reason! He was broken up about it, but now he was forced to come out of his room more because he didn’t have anything to hide in there, and his parents were happy about that. And when they were happy, so was he. Humans can be shallow, their happiness can come simply from other people liking them. That’s why other people’s opinions are actually important, and why Tyler although he didn’t care so much about other people’s lives, he liked to make sure he knew what they thought of him. It sounded a lot worse than it was._ _

__But now it was his Birthday, and he was going to have to spend the entire day with his family, they probably had a bunch of things planned. If he knew his family right, his grandparents would probably come tomorrow, on Sunday, so they could all go to service together. This was fine. He was looking forward to meeting them, it had been a while, and he loved them very much. And since he was on good terms with his parents, they weren’t going to say bad things about him to them like they do sometimes. His mom likes to talk about him a lot, to everyone she meets, really. “Since he quit basketball he’s just been so quiet and alone all the time, haha!” “Tyler used to be such a ladies man but now he’s just too focused with school, you know?” etcetera, etcetera. He didn’t exactly like it, but at least she told him exactly what he needed to work on. That’s how his dad liked to explain her cheerful bashing, at least._ _

___But ah, well. She was his mother. She was happy with him now. And it was his Birthday. There was no way she would allow him to leave without a fight. Tyler didn’t know if he wanted to risk it. He imagined how mad she would be if she knew where he was going, too. To _Brendon Urie’s _house? With that depressed boy _Dallon Weekes _(Tyler had never heard about Dallon’s mental state from anyone except her, who did not know Dallon and probably just assumed things because he dressed in all black and had sad eyes. Ironically Tyler was envious of his eyes)? Well at least there’s Jenna Black and Josh Dun who go to church, but not even always. And she had probably never heard Sarah Orzechowski’s name. Maybe because it was long and complicated. Either way, that image was also painfully bright and soft in his mind. Decorating a tree, putting up stockings, Brendon wearing a Santa hat, Josh Dun in an ugly Christmas sweater. Tyler realized he was smiling down at nothing when his dad pointed it out._____  
“Hey son, I know your mother is a good cook, but you can’t be impressed with the cake is until you’ve actually had any.” he joked, and Tyler rolled his eyes.  
“Sorry.” he apologized awkwardly.  
“Open your present, Ty! I wanna see!” Madison cried out, jumping up and down in her seat.  
“Okay…” he answered, mouth full of cake and dragged out the word, unwrapping the gift very slowly to her great annoyance. 

________What he found was nothing out of the ordinary. A little porcelain angel statue. It was incredibly detailed, the matte stone so carefully carved it looked like an old greek statue, but very small.  
“We figured since it’s almost Christmas, it’ll look nice in your window, or wherever.” his dad smiled and Tyler nodded, brushing the detailed feathers of porcelain under his fingertips.  
“Of course you should keep it up all year though, we always need a guardian angel.” Kelly explained and Tyler’s smile twitched as his mind hooked on the last word. A guardian angel can’t be made of porcelain, they should have skin. Soft hands, soft eyes that turn dark in the sunshine, brown curls and a smile made of actual starlight. Tyler suddenly felt warm and fuzzy and had to fight not to space out too far. He really wanted to see his friends today. It was if his heart was aching for it. But his parents would actually kill him._ _ _ _

__________The breakfast was soon over, and Tyler excused himself to go change. It was actually a chance to get his phone. He needed to plan this.  
“When should I be there?” Tyler wrote to Josh, who was thankfully quick to respond.  
“I’m heading there at noon so you can come to my house in like half an hour and we’ll head over :-)” he wrote and Tyler felt his blood start to sparkle in his veins. He wanted to see him so badly, it was if he was falling or something. Quickly gaining speed in how fast he wanted to get out and see them all.  
“Alright!” he answered. 30 minutes, he could do 30 minutes. _ _

______Tyler changed into black dress pants and a white dress shirt which he tucked in neatly and rolled the cuffs up in that fancy way his dad taught him. He even pulled out his nice shoes. Now he had to find his father. He was often a little better with not getting angry and letting Tyler do what he wanted. He wasn’t sure he’d just agree to let him go, and Tyler hated fighting with him much more than he did with his mom, but he was easier to convince._ _ _ _ _ _

___________Tyler snuck around the house, hearing his mom in the kitchen on the phone, hopefully not making Birthday-related plans. His father was in the hallway, going out for some reason._  
“Hey, dad.” Tyler caught his attention, casting a glance toward his mom to make sure she wasn’t listening.  
“Hey, Birthday-kid! What’s on your mind?” his dad asked, tying his shoes.  
“I was, uh...I was wondering. If you could not tell mom about what I’m about to ask?” he whispered, and his dad furrowed his eyebrows.  
“Depends on what you’re going to say.” he explained. Good enough.  
“I was invited to go help decorate Josh Dun’s house. Is that alright? I’ll be back before dinner.” he lied. He was going to be back before dinner, but he wasn’t going to Josh’s house.  
“Oh, um. Well, we were planning to have you home today. Tyler, it’s your Birthday. We’re going out for dinner, and you know your mother will want you home today. Your aunt and uncle will be coming over in a couple of hours, that’s supposed to be a surprise, so uh...don’t tell her. So no.” he sighed, empathetic. He knew his dad liked that he had friends. Or, to his knowledge probably, friend.  
“Please, dad? I know I should be here but I’ve spent every Birthday home. Everyone congratulates me every year. I’ve been congratulated a thousand times for being five, eleven, sixteen. What’s the difference?” he asked.  
“I- don’t think that’s how a Birthday works.” his dad sighed.  
“I just want to spend it with my friends for once.” he explained.  
“Oh, who else?” his dad seemed curious. Did he say in plural?  
“Just in general. Friend. Josh. And his family, I guess.” he lied.  
“Lying is a sin, son.” his father was starting to sound annoyed, which was sure to catch his mom’s attention. He panicked slightly.  
“Dad, I’ll explain it all later, but it’s some of Josh’s friends. They’re all really nice. You can call his parents, it’s alright, I promise.” he tried his best to sound convincing.  
“Tyler.” his dad did not find it convincing.  
“Jenna Black. A girl named Sarah.” Tyler explained. His dad seemed to light up a little. Tyler knew what he was thinking, and he didn’t like it, but he could use it to his advance. “I...well, me and Jenna’s been hanging out a lot at school lately. I figured we should try to become better friends, since we go to the same church and all.” Tyler felt a pain in his stomach over lying at Jenna’s expense, but he just needed to get out.  
“Well...you know what? If you’re home at four, on the dot, it’s okay. We’ll just have to tell your aunt and uncle to come a little later and-”  
“Thank you, dad! See you!” Tyler gave his dad a quick hug and a wide smile and was out the door before he had even put on a jacket. 

______Tyler hurried down the street, turning off the sound on his phone. Soon he’d be bombarded with texts from his mom. He decided to ignore them, in advance. He just had to explain the situation to Josh and he could somehow tell his parents to not say they were at Brendon Urie’s house, and it’d be fine. He had met Josh’s parents, they were a lot more laid back than his own and he was sure it’d be okay. Actually, he didn’t care! He could deal with all that later, for now he was just happy to meet Josh and head over to see everyone else, even though he knew the air in that group was a bit static. He wasn’t sure if things were clear between Brendon and Sarah, but he preferred that drama over the one in his own family._ _ _ _ _ _

________“Hi!” he grinned as the door opened and he was met with Josh’s slightly puzzled expression.  
“Oh, hello.” he smiled. It was if he paused to take in Tyler’s appearance. Tyler most likely wouldn’t have thought much of this if it weren’t for the fact that he did it a lot, and that would be stranger if it weren’t for how he did the same. “You’re dressed up. There’s no need, I think.” Josh shrugged, leaning against the doorframe and drew his fingers through his hair. It was getting long. Tyler felt some kind of way.  
“I’m not going to change in the middle of the street, so…” he argued and Josh nodded in a _that’s fair _way.___ _ _ _

_______________Josh called his goodbyes to his family and they were then on their way, the frosty street glittering beautifully in the midday sun. Everything seemed silvery and sharp, but somehow very calm and comforting at the same time. Still it was cold, and Tyler hadn’t taken a jacket, or gloves, or anything. His ears were getting cold too._  
“You look like you’ve run away from home.” Josh mentioned, reading his mind.  
“Thanks.” Tyler answered sarcastically, but grinned all the same. He knew what he meant, he just sort of liked hearing him apologize. Then he could tell him it was fine, and they’d joke about it and laugh.  
“No, I didn’t mean that. You don’t look bad, you just look- uh, like…” Josh rambled, turning to walk backwards and get a good look.  
“I know what you meant.” Tyler said, quoting his thoughts. “Don’t apologize.”  
“Sorry.” Josh said, and they shared a knowing look before Josh cupped his face in his hands and they both laughed. Tyler’s heart was beating to wonderfully loud, and it was as if he could feel his soul beaming like the sun in him. It wasn’t like a sudden burst of happiness, like when he laughed or got a good mark on a test. It was more constant, he knew he would be feeling it for a longer time ahead. It was so certain, certain as the sun itself. 

________Their steps echoed up the stairwell until they came to Brendon’s door, and the two shared a look as they heard music from inside. Josh rung the bell and loud steps thundered closer until the door swung open, Frank Sinatra’s Jingle Bells now blasting down the halls. Tyler was filled with that familiar annoyance only Brendon could bring him, and it made him smile so his cheeks ached.  
“Hello boys! Come in, mi Christmas casa su Christmas casa.” he beamed, waving his arms in welcome. Josh and Tyler wandered in without a mention of his bad spanish. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________The music was luckily lowered as they kicked their shoes off(Tyler was actually rather careful, they were nice shoes) and he shivered against the change in temperature. Suddenly Brendon reappeared however, his arms behind his back and a smug expression on his face._  
“I’m probably supposed to wait until other people get here but ah, what the Hell?” he shrugged dramatically and Tyler groaned as he realized what was about to happen.  
“Don’t.” he warned, leaning his head back.  
“What?” Josh asked awkwardly, looking between the two. Brendon gave Tyler a quick look, scolding him for not telling his best friend about his Birthday, and proceeded to serenade him that terrible Birthday song with his rather talented singing voice. All whilst having that dumb grin, and it plastered onto Tyler as he made his way over.  
“No way.” Josh hiccuped as he finished and Brendon revealed his hands with a little soft present. “Don’t tell me it’s your birthday.” he sighed.  
“Okay.” Tyler agreed, snatching the present from Brendon as he pranced away again like the 9-year-old he was.  
“Why didn’t I know?” Josh groaned, grumpily bumping his head against Tyler’s shoulder.  
“Well, you specifically just asked me not to tell you.” Tyler laughed, opening the present slowly, as he was also trying to meet Josh’s eyes, shrugging him off his shoulder. He succeeded, and a hurricane spun in his chest then. He didn’t like being that close to his face, their eyes were too near, what if they got dragged into each other like black holes? Somehow, the thought wasn’t very repulsing.  
“Sorry.” he whispered, afraid to be too loud.  
“Are you two going to kiss or are you going to actually open that?” Brendon interrupted, but before he had even finished both Tyler and Josh had taken a serious step away from one another. It felt...bad.  
“I’ll throw it at you.” Tyler threatened.  
“It’s pretty soft.” Brendon shrugged.  
Tyler stubbornly ripped off the last paper despite the bad way it was taped together, to reveal a piece of red fabric. A beanie, to be precise.  
“You complained about that scarf your mom makes you wear so much, I figured I’d stop your whining.” Brendon snorted and Tyler rolled his eyes.  
“Thank you for getting me a gift in your self interest.” he scoffed, but he was actually very fond of the beanie already. Red was a good color. He pulled it on, and the look he shared with Brendon made an actual thank you waste of breath.  
“Good? I haven’t had a beanie since like fourth grade.” Tyler commented, turning to Josh, who was gazing at him softly. He quickly seemed to snap out of it though.  
“It looks great.” he smiled.  
“How did you survive like six winters without something on your head?” Brendon piped in, from somewhere in the distance, it seemed to Tyler.  
“Thanks.” he smiled back at Josh, glad he could once more be in his space uninterrupted. He just _belonged _there. And although Brendon was a bit of a bother, he belonged there too. Tyler felt weirdly cheerful, like there were fireworks going off in his chest. He always figured that was just an expression, but he understood it now.__

__________“Alright, enough flirting, let’s get this house ready for Christmas.” Brendon then sing-songed dramatically, prancing off to the living room. Tyler frowned, but Josh shrugged and smiled like he does and followed along. Couldn’t some of his easy-going-ness just rub off a little?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________They all seemed to subconsciously agree to get to the tree last, as it was obviously the most important. And now, Brendon was not rich. He lived alone with his mom and occasionally his father when he wasn’t working away from home, as all his siblings had moved out. They had never been particularly wealthy, and if Tyler remembered correctly everyone but Brendon were faithful Christians. He didn’t exactly look around for familiar faces in church, and they might go to another one anyway. Either way, the point was that his family used to live in a bigger house, and it seems they kept the Christmas stuff, as there were plenty of full boxes packed. Tyler grinned a bit at the sight of the moving boxes scattered around the floor.  
“Oh, you weren’t kidding when you told me about Christmas with the Uries.” Josh mumbled, looking surprised and rather amused.  
“I really wasn’t.” Brendon looked excited. “Watch out Tyler, you might pull a muscle in your cheek if you smile to much.” he suddenly warned, shaking his finger. Tyler scoffed.  
“I just remembered when we were younger and I’d come over right before Christmas and your family would give me presents and stuff.” he explained, picturing the old house with all the decorations and all Brendon’s siblings. A sudden wave of nostalgia washed over him and he could feel himself spacing out into the memory. He’d been like a part of the family, a great big happy family who celebrate Christmas with everyone without caring that their son was an atheist and bisexual, or whatever he was.  
“Yeah, good times.” Brendon nodded, looking like he was also thinking back. Tyler wondered if Josh was feeling left out and glanced over, but he seemed rather satisfied. Of course, he wanted the two of them to be friends again in the first place, right? Either way, all that was truly left of that memory was Brendon himself. Tyler gazed at him for a moment as he opened a box and dug around, apparently finding something he was looking for. Well, there was Brendon, the decorations, and his mom. Speaking of which;  
“Hey, where’s your mom?” Tyler asked, also starting to open a box and nodding for Josh to do the same. _ _

___________________Before Brendon could answer the door in the hallway opened and then shut. Tyler made out the voices pretty easily, considering the apartment was rather small. Mrs. Urie, Sarah and Jenna. Oh, the girls were here as well? Tyler hadn’t been keeping up super well lately, all he knew was that Brendon was still in a...committed relationship with Lizzy Grant, and that Sarah had been rather mad at him for some reason related to her having feelings for him. The thought made Tyler shudder slightly. Feelings. Relationships. Gross._  
“Home, apparently.” Brendon answered his earlier question and headed off. Tyler would have gone to greet them as well, but Josh interrupted his thoughts and he realized he’d rather have a moment alone with him before the room got more crowded.  
“Look at this.” Josh chuckled, pulling up a figure of Santa, however he was leaned over with his ass exposed and a smug expression. This sent both Josh and Tyler into a giggle fit. “He’s mooning you.”  
“Not complaining, Santa’s got some buns, hun.” Tyler joked and Josh burst out laughing.  
“It’s all the Christmas cookies.” Josh continued.  
“Are you kidding? Santa’s definitely doing some squats.” Tyler laughed, walking over and grabbing the figure to then place it in the window.  
“That’s so mean! He’ll moon everyone on the street!” Josh laughed, but he was barely getting the words out.  
“Santa’s selling his body.” Tyler snorted, taking a step back to view his artwork.  
“Stop!” Josh laughed, curling over in laughter, and the sight just made Tyler happier.  
“He’s of age so he can do what he wants, Josh.” Tyler explained, somehow keeping a straight face. Josh fell onto the floor in laughter, and Tyler just gazed at him with a large smile until he heard voices approach from behind.  
“Jeez, did you beat him up?” Brendon asked.  
“He killed me!” Josh squeaked. Tyler looked to the girls as well.  
“It wasn’t that funny, really.” he shrugged and they all snorted.  
“This is a strong squad.” Brendon commented, looking around his friends. “Well except Josh, he’s obviously weak.” 

___________________Mrs. Urie popped her head in and glanced around, looking worriedly with with amuse at Josh, but then to Tyler._  
“Oh, hello! It’s been so long, Tyler, how are you?” she beamed, the other people in the room starting a separate conversation and helping Josh off the floor.  
“I’m good, Mrs. Urie.” he answered. He was sure she knew about what had happened between Brendon and him, as Brendon had always been honest with his parents, and while her eyes were sympathetic they were also kind and welcoming as always. “Josh invited me over, I hope that’s alright.” he nodded toward his best friend who was explaining the mooning Santa.  
“Of course, honey. I’m going to bake some Christmas cookies, would you like to stay for dinner as well?” she asked, and Tyler felt a warm wave of affection, once more remembering the hospitality of the Uries despite their rocky economy.  
“I’d love to, but some other time. Some relatives are coming over and my parents would probably prefer me at home today anyway.” he said, not digging into the thought of his Birthday too much, but Mrs. Urie seemed to remember it anyway.  
“Oh right, you’re turning seventeen today! Happy Birthday. Did Brendon get you something?” she asked, leaning against the doorframe.  
“Yes, he got me a beanie. I did really need one.” he explained.  
“Good, he’s thoughtful when it counts I guess.” she scoffed jokingly and Tyler smiled at her. “Well either way, I’ll leave you guys to it, don’t let my son get out of hand. And Tyler, it’s nice to see you again. Go ahead and ask if you need anything at all.” she smiled with such a golden warmth that Tyler felt his body ache and all he could respond with was a nod before she disappeared. He was lost for a second as if he had taken in more motherly-ness in three minutes than he got from his own mom in three months. He felt bad for thinking that though and headed back to everyone else. 

__________Sarah and Josh were placing little statues from Jesus’ birth on a cupboard, and Tyler remembered it well. He and Brendon would play out the scene with the figures when they were younger, and that’s why one of the donkey’s legs was a bit wonky(they broke it and glued it back on in a hurry). Brendon was wrapping himself in tinsels, laughing as he spun around like a child on drugs, whilst Jenna was giggling but rolling her eyes at him as she was taking off the curtains from their hanger to change them into Christmas ones. No wonder Brendon and his mom needed help with this. Tyler got to Jenna to give her a hand, knowing how awkward it was to balance curtain on the pole when you hung them up.  
“Thanks.” he said as he lifted the pole from the ground before the white curtains just slid out onto the floor. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They continued decorating the living room, and the process was rather slow as they were constantly interrupted by a dumb joke that they had to laugh at for a while, or that Brendon broke something. After a while the door opened and closed, and in came a giant known as Dallon Weekes, wearing a Christmas hat and all. Mrs. Urie gave him a hug, careful not to smear flour on his back. Dallon was one of few people who could truly keep Brendon in check and the whole decorating drama went by a little quicker with him not messing around so much. They all found it amusing, but seeing Brendon fear just a certain glance from his friend was also funny. Tyler was happy. He even allowed them all to sing him Happy Birthday and he ended up blushing so much he had to hide his face. Josh gave him a hug, and they all drew a long “aw!”. That made him blush even more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________This perfect moment was once more interrupted by a ring on the door, and they all looked at Brendon, unknowing of who else could come. The entire family was gathered. Whilst Tyler understood their confusion, he knew exactly who would be coming in through that door. He cast a glance at Sarah. Poor girl. Brendon hurried off of course, and they all waited. Now, Brendon’s relationships weren’t anything Tyler was giving a lot of through, but he knew this all would give the hang-out a bitter turn and that was the last thing he wanted, so he looked to Josh as conversation continued in the room while they waited.  
“Is Sarah feeling better about Brendon?” he asked very quietly.  
“I think so, it seems like it. Why?” Josh asked, curious. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________After that Brendon returned, holding the hand of a familiar girl. She was about his height, had long, shiny hair and scarlet lipstick. Beautiful eyes.  
“Liz, these are my friends.” Brendon introduced, so oblivious as always._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woop, there we go! Exciting stuff, we'll finally actually get to meet Lizzy. If you don't know, Lizzy Grant is the real name of Lana Del Rey, so this is her. A bit of a strange character for a bandfic maybe, but she seemed perfect for the role to me. 
> 
> Please tell me any opinions you had(or misspellings of mine) if you want, I really do appreciate every single dustspeck of support! <3


	19. "So Close You Can Taste It."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How can barely an attempt at a kiss cause so much trouble?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop, here we go! Let's angst it up!
> 
> I wrote this in a rush, so I'll proofread it soon and fix stuff! I hope you enjoy it still!

The atmosphere in the apartment was strange, definitely, but it could be worse. Josh, kind as he was, picked it up and dusted it off before Brendon could notice the mess he had made. Lizzy seemed nervous, looking down into the ground every now and then and didn’t smile unless she was spoken to. Tyler had at first considered her to just be some normal, dumb girl that Brendon had randomly fallen for, but now he could see more within her. The way she frowned, how her eyes traveled around the room in thoughtfulness and how she spoke so softly. She sort of...reminded him of himself, in a way. He did of course care about Sarah and knew her better, but he thought it was unfair to dislike someone just because of someone else’s feelings and jealousy. People are allowed to be with whoever they want. Sarah actually didn’t seem to bothered either, just uncomfortable. 

“I’m so sorry about what happened to you on Halloween.” Lizzy made her way over to Josh, and Tyler was a few feet away. He paid attention, though he felt he could trust her. Josh seemed a bit confused for a second, and it was adorable.   
“I saw my friend pushed you, he can be like that.” she sighed, like she didn’t really want to say it. Tyler couldn’t determine if that was because she was embarrassed about him, or because she didn’t want to say bad things about him. This was a critical matter.   
“Then why are you friends?” Tyler piped in, and Josh gave him a look. What, was he being rude? Lizzy didn’t seem to notice.   
“To be honest, I’m not quite sure. I think...I’m just a bit of a pushover, you know?” she laughed softly, and Tyler smiled a little bit. She was kind, but she was so very sad, for some reason. If it was an act, it was a good one.   
“I’m Tyler, by the way. This is Josh.” Tyler introduced, and Lizzy nodded, smiling at the two of them.   
“Brendon’s told me about you. Really, he’s told me a little bit about everything, I think.” she giggled. The joke was vague, but Tyler caught on and nodded in agreement.   
“He’s an excited kid. He’s talked about you too, you seem to get along very well.” Tyler commented, casually changing the cloth on the coffee table. These people had so many Christmas decorations…  
“He’s wonderful. We’re not strangers, but I never knew him very well. He’s...something else, though.” Lizzy teased, now swaying away from them as Brendon was happily calling her over. 

Josh and Tyler looked at each other for a moment, both trying to determine if they had the same opinion.   
“I like her.” Josh decided, and Tyler nodded.   
“Same. I think she can be good for our boy, too.” he filled in.   
“Yeah, she’s so calm!” Josh responded, sounding impressed. 

They kept up the conversation for only moments longer before Mrs. Urie appeared from the kitchen.   
“Guys, could you help me for a second?” she asked nicely and they both obeyed without question. “Just try and get the cookies off the plate and onto the counter without breaking them. They’re very soft, so be careful.” she instructed. Tyler felt awkward, not having done this before. He looked out the window, and noticed to his delight that it was snowing. The first snow of the year. On his very own Birthday. He’d wait until Josh noticed so he could see his face when he said it.  
“I’ll go ahead.” Josh shrugged to him in the corner of his eye, and Tyler got to see him skillfully brush the paper off the plate and onto the counter as instructed while Mrs. Urie threw in another plate in the oven. Not a single one even bent, it looked like.   
“Thank you, Josh. And nicely done! You can take one from the other plate, they’re all a little broken because I’m definitely not as good at baking as I seem.” she chuckled and pointed them the right way before leaving the kitchen again.   
“Wonder why she figured we’d be better at it.” Josh thought out loud and took a cookie, breaking it in half for them to share.   
“Well, you were, weren’t you?” Tyler shrugged and they bumped their halves together in a cheers. 

The cookies were indeed delicious, and given by the sounds Josh was making, apparently they were also sexually arousing. Tyler snickered at the thought.  
“Stop moaning, you’re gonna gonna choke.” he coughed, obviously already choking. This made Josh laugh so that crumbles fell from his mouth, and they both laughed at his drooling.   
“Taken out of context, that would have been a lot worse.” he forced out. Tyler rolled his eyes.  
“I know, that’s why it was funny.” he grinned, and Josh saved a few more crumbs from falling off his chin. “Jeez, you need some help?” he asked, but didn’t actually do anything.   
“Am I good?” Josh asked after a while of calming down, but he was not actually good.   
“No, right here.” Tyler showed, pointing at his own chin. Josh tried to reach with his tongue, but couldn’t. “Jeez, you big baby.” Tyler sighed and moved over, brushing his thumb over Josh’s chin. His skin was a little bit rough with childish stubble, but otherwise soft. If Tyler stood still any longer, this was going to get out of control. Their eye contact was killing him quickly from the inside, stomach churning and as he saw Josh’s eyes flicker down to his mouth, it felt as if he lost all sensation in his feet. 

This was it. Right now? Here? The uncertainty hung in the air no longer, now there was a lot of tension instead. Tyler’s hands were sweating and he could very clearly feel his heart speeding up. What was he supposed to do? Josh was stood leaned back against the kitchen counter, looking nervous but somehow certain at the same time. Tyler made his way over softly. He didn’t have time to look around, and it was rude to look away now anyway. In the corner o fhis eye he could see big snowflakes sailing down from the sky. His eyes dug deeper into the ones in front of him, which were decreasing in distance. Josh’s scent was gaining on him too, and Tyler felt as if he had whiskers that were already detecting feelings. The expression “I can almost taste it” made more sense than it had ever done in his entire life. This was it. He leaned in. This was everything that mattered. The air was vibrating. Their breaths crashed.  
“Josh, your mom’s on the phone!” came a call from the living room. Tyler broke his stare on Josh’s lips and met his eyes, and they both seemed to snap out of a trance and fall right into a panic. He stumbled backwards, Josh being leaned back on the counter. He walked right back into the kitchen table and almost knocked over a chair. Oh no. Oh God, no.   
“What is she saying?” he called back, not daring to break eye contact with Tyler it seemed, they both afraid one of them was going to start crying. There was a pause.  
“She’s asking if Tyler’s with you. I’ll tell her he is.” she said, and things were moving very slow in Tyler’s brain. Before they started moving very fast.   
“Wait, oh no.” he gasped, staring out into the hallway. “My mom probably asked her if I was there. Josh, if she finds out I’m here- oh no. I forgot to tell you, my parents think I’m at your house. They don’t know where I actually am, if they find out I lied-” he blubbered on like some idiot and Josh quickly made his way over.   
“No, listen to me. It’s going to be okay. Whatever’s going on, it won’t be so bad.” he tried to reassure, carefully taking a hold of Tyler’s hand. He pulled it to his chest quickly and fled away before realizing he was on the verge of tears and didn’t want to just storm into the living room like that, so he turned right back around and ran into to Josh, who was determined to keep him close, engulfing him in a hug.   
“Listen to me.” he said, and Tyler was forced to. “You can solve this. I know you don’t lie often and I know your parents get upset with you, but you need to calm down and face this. Now, what’s the big idea?” he asked, serious as he could be. “Is this because of Brendon? Your parents don’t like him much?” he suggested, and Tyler nodded. It wasn’t surprising.   
“They don’t know that we’re friends, and after we had our falling out they wanted nothing more to do with his family. You get why.” Tyler breathed. The two of them separated. The tension of their skinny love-almost-kiss was still there and it was dragging Tyler down into a dark pit in his head. That was stupidest thing he had ever let happen. But they had other things to think about. 

“What in God’s name are you two doing in here anyway?” came Brendon’s voice, luckily alone. His voice was jokesome, but as Tyler turned around and gave him a look, he swiftly entered the kitchen. “What’s going on?” he asked.   
“My parents are about to find out I’m here.” Tyler said, knowing Brendon would catch on sooner or later on what he meant.   
“Huh? They didn’t know? Actually, I did find it weird they’d let you run off on your Birthday.” he thought out loud. “Wait, shit. They hate me.” he then gulped and Tyler nodded. It was the truth, after all. They _really _did.  
“My mom is going to kill me.” Tyler sighed, cupping his hands in his face.   
“Please don’t say that, I don’t know if you mean it or not.” Brendon laughed awkwardly, but was interrupted as Tyler sniffed and twisted around again to pace for a while. His friends were fast on the scene. “Hey, hey, Tyler. It’s alright, we’ll solve this. Just speak to us.” Brendon tried, following him.   
“Yeah, it probably won’t be as bad as you think.” Josh attempted as well. He was trying, at least.   
“I’m afraid it will.” Brendon mumbled, drawing his hands through his hair to think. Tyler recognized the habit. “Okay, do you think she’ll come pick you up?” he asked.   
Tyler drew his phone from his back pocket. It was shut off for this very reason. After a moment he could unlock it and felt his stomach drop onto the floor as he saw three missed calls from his mom and one from his dad, along with about a dozen messages. “Pick up.” “Pick up right now.” “Where are you?” “Tyler Joseph you answer me.” “I’m calling Josh’s mom.” “Are you at Brendon Urie’s house? Is that true?” “I’m coming there right now.”   
“Yes.” Tyler answered Brendon’s question. “Sent one minute ago.”   
“Alright, well! We’re a bunch of people here so she can’t scold you here. How will it be when you get home?” he asked. Tyler imagines the car trip. Josh read his mind.   
“I can ask to ride with you home, that’ll make sense. We’re neighbors.” he suggested and the two others nodded.  
“I don’t kn- um, my aunt and uncle are there, I think. They’re cool.” Tyler shrugged at Brendon.  
“Okay, good. Then it’ll be okay for a while longer. Jesus, Tyler. This is not okay.” Brendon groaned. “You’ll be alright, we’ll solve all this. Call me tonight, tell me what’s going on.”   
“Okay.” Tyler answered before the doorbell rung a few too many times. Tyler sighed very deeply, and very brokenly. Brendon went to answer, cocky as he was. Brave as he was. Josh took Tyler’s hand and although he would rather not be seen in that situation and considering what had almost happened just a couple of minutes ago, maybe he should have let it go. He didn’t. He held on until he heard his mom’s voice. __

__Their conversation was hard to make out as they were both speaking quietly. But no one could lie, they all knew he was there. Tyler let go of Josh’s hand and made his way out into the hallway. They both turned to him, Brendon looked upset and his mother looked just...numb. But she smiled a little.  
“Hi, Tyler. Let’s go home, sweetie.” she said, and there was so much cold violence in her voice that Tyler only he could hear.   
“Kelly. Good to see you.” came Mrs. Urie’s voice as an interruption. Josh appeared next to Tyler, sharing the space in the doorframe with him. Somehow it felt right to have their arms brush, but Tyler’s mind was yelling at him to get out that situation right away. It was wrong. He had done something very wrong. He felt sick thinking about how he had been moving, leaning in and letting his body take control over his mind like that. It was disgusting, and terrifying.   
“You as well, Grace. I’ll be taking my son home now.” Tyler’s mom spoke in a very certain voice, but was trying to sound polite. _ _

__Kelly grabbed a hold of Tyler’s wrist, not caring how it looked as she pulled him out of the apartment by force. She obviously did not want to spend another second around those people. Tyler was silent, thinking back to all the last conversations he had had with his friends and the rest of his family. He had maybe half an hour to live._ _

__But the car ride home was silent too. Tyler sat in the backseat, diagonally away from his mom. His eyes were closed, hands together. A repetitive, self-deprecating prayer was going through his mind, decorated with apologies and begs of mercy. He had done so much wrong. Although his prayers had been more frequent lately, he never felt like he deserved to ask for forgiveness or mercy. Justice would be served, and he had sinned a year-supply. The prayer stopped at that, when he realized he deserved everything that was coming his way._ _

__His aunt and uncle were indeed in their home, and while they seemed curious, they were also oblivious. Soon Tyler saw his little cousins dashing by along with his little siblings. Nervous, Tyler brushed against the wrist where his mother had taken her grip. It was sore. He would get a bruise.  
“Happy Birthday, Tyler! How’s it feeling being seventeen?” his uncle asked happily, meeting him in the hallway as he had taken his shoes off.   
“Pretty much the same as before.” he said, voice hoarse. He cleared to not seem suspicious, and gave a smile before pushing into the house. _ _

__Conversation went on around the table as always, loud and happy. Even on his Birthday, Tyler managed to be completely invisible around a table of his family. He wondered if he could slip away without anyone noticing. If he could disappear without anyone caring much at all._ _

__But he got presents, and he blew out candles again, and had cake again and was serenaded again. His face had a strained smile, his body an unnaturally relaxed posture. It was if he was at some dinner out with people he didn’t know and he just wanted to go home, except he was at a dinner in his own house with his closest family and he wanted to go to Brendon’s house. Or one better, Josh’s house. Still, the picture of Josh in his head still made him dizzy because of the fear. Fear. There was so much of it he wasn’t even sure if it was fear, but what other feeling could possibly overwhelm him like this?_ _

__Tyler closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind. It traveled down the street and right into the forest. Sunlight was striking the ground through green leaves and turning hair into a golden blaze. It was in third perspective, he could see himself, and one other person. Josh. Tyler had to force himself out of the memory and continued on through the forest, reaching the place where the two of them had met for the first time. It was raining pretty hard, the two of them were soaking and just staring at one another through the dark. No, it was all wrong! Tyler snapped back to a place where Josh would never be with him, and found himself in the basement. Before the image could evolve, like a fresh polaroid slowly revealing it’s content, Zack came up to him across the room.  
“Hey, are you alright? You’ve barely spoken a word.” he said, looking worried.   
“Fine.” Tyler grumbled. Zack sighed.   
“Tyler, I know you better than anyone.” Tyler wanted to argue, but it was true. “What’s going on?”   
“Like I could tell you. You can’t keep a secret, you told our parents about my music.” he managed, not meeting his brother’s eyes.   
“I know, and I’m sorry about that, alright? But you can trust me. We haven’t like...hung out as much. Since you started public school. But you can still trust me, I’m your brother.” Zack said, and Tyler decided to believe him. He did know him. “What were you doing at Brendon’s house?” he asked, and Tyler twitched, looking around for any inappropriate ears.   
“None of y-” Tyler paused. “Christmas decorating.”   
“Oh, like when you were little. I figured you were becoming friends again.” Zack nodded, standing next to Tyler. He appreciated the gesture, having him on his side.   
“How come?” Tyler responded.  
“You hang out a lot with Josh, and I’ve seen Josh hang out a lot with Brendon. And some others. Are they your friends too? Jenna Black, right?” Zack rambled. He was always bad at just...being quiet. In general.   
“Yeah. There’s Sarah and Dallon, too.” Tyler explained.   
“Hey, uh...remember when you and Brendon had your falling out? I didn’t get it at the time, but I’ve like...understood now. What happened. The rumors-” _ _

__They were interrupted from behind and Tyler jumped a mile into the air, feeling like a rabbit. His legs were itching to run away, as always.  
“We don’t speak about that, Zack.” their mom interrupted fondly, putting a hand on her younger son. Tyler would in every other situation agree and be thankful for that conversation to have come to an end, but he was angry.   
“Why not?” he asked, looking his mother in the eyes. She looked surprised.   
“Tyler,” she said, as if she didn’t know what else to say. As if the answer was obvious.   
“Yeah. I’m over it. Brendon apologized,” he said. Maybe he wasn’t completely over it, but that didn’t matter right now.   
“Don’t say that name. That boy is absolutely nothing but trouble, I can’t believe you were in their house,” his mother suddenly spat, losing control. Tyler and Zack shared a look. Tyler felt a rush of confidence after his brother’s nod. He was on his side, as always. Kelly gathered herself.   
“They’re not bad people,” Tyler argued. “Brendon’s the same as always. Happier, maybe,” he shrugged, remembering how he spoke about Lizzy.   
“He is irresponsible, and so are his parents. I knew from day one that they were too soft with the boy, no wonder he ended up that way.” she sighed. “I can’t believe we’re having this discussion! And in front of your broth-!”   
“Zack, stay,” Tyler said without breaking eye contact with his mom. “Like what, mom? Ended up like what?”  
“You know-”   
“Tell me!” he hissed, making people around the room turn to him. Kelly looked offended.   
“Do not use that tone with me. God has abandoned that boy because there was no hope for him. He is a sinful, deranged fag-” his mother was practically fuming at the mouth, though quietly.   
“God abandones no one,” Tyler spoke with confidence outside his own ability. “and if you need Him to be a good person, if you need Him to control you, then you’re the one who’s deranged!”_ _

__Tyler had barely finished before he felt a familiar burn across his face and had to take a few steps back. Zack was at his side, took his arm and led him away before he had thought any further. Tears were rising in his eyes from the stinging sensation, and he snapped back when Zack’s eyes were in front of his. They were at the top of the stairs to the basement.  
“Are you alright?” he asked carefully, but there was a fire to his expression. “I can’t believe she’d do that.”   
“That’s how she is,” Tyler responded, and Zack looked afraid for a moment.   
“You were really brave, though,” he muttered. “I hate when she uses that word...and says things like that. That’s the worst part about being a Christian.” he whispered. Tyler furrowed his eyebrows.   
“It has nothing to do with being a Christian. It’s about being a coward.” he responded. _ _

__“Tyler,” their father appeared from the living room. It sounded like there was tumult in there. His voice was heavy and his eyes stern, but Tyler knew what his father was like when he was mad, and this wasn’t it. “you should...be alone for a while.”  
“You can tell me straight up, dad. I’m grounded. I’m going down to the basement.” Tyler sighed. That courage Zack had been talking about was leaving him and he did indeed want to be alone. He was starting to recognize his feelings upon sight, and he was panicking now.   
“I’ll come with you,” Zack hurried, but Tyler shook his head.   
“No, go to our room. Don’t wait up, I’ll sleep on the couch downstairs,” Tyler mumbled, already on his way down. No one said anything more. _ _

__So he had messed up a lot. Now it felt as if all the recent events were just a big, white mist. The fresh memories were flooding back to him, all at once. Lying to his parents about where he was going. Leaning in to kiss his best friend, who was a boy, named Josh Dun. His mother’s cold eyes when she came to pick him up, being hit across the face. Tears were streaming down his face and he sobbed into his knees, sitting on the floor in the dim room. They didn’t have a lamp in the basement yet, there were just four lightbulbs hanging in a little bundle from the ceiling. One was starting to twitch. How could he have done all of this? All his words, all this _damn _words. About God, speaking in his place. His own sins were the reason of all misery, that was a fact. His own sins were reason of Christ’s death, and all other misery. And what he done to Josh. To be quite honest, that was the worst thing. That was what was eating him up from the inside. In the moment he had barely noticed it happening, there had been nothing to worry about. It had been perfect. The snow, the crumbs on his lips. His eyes. His moans. Tyler cried out quietly, begging his head to shut up. That was not welcome. But it was obvious. He didn’t have to wonder anymore. He had never dared to pay it a single thought, thinking it was a dangerous sin, to feel things like these toward anothe boy. But it wasn’t the end of the world, was it? It didn’t feel bad anymore. He wasn’t _scared _anymore._____ _

______Tyler picked up his phone from his pocket. It was bombed with texts. This made him smile, weirdly. He opened Brendon’s first, being at the top.  
“call me when things are calm” “do you want me to pick you up?” they said. Tyler grinned as tears continued flooding his eyes and running down his face. So quickly they had forgiven one another. Brendon wasn’t mad, he had never been mad, even after Tyler had hated him so much. Tyler envied his big heart, and always had. Josh’s texts made him lean back onto the floor and just read them over and over.   
“are you okay? was she that mad?” “i’m sorry, ty.” “please don’t be afraid, you always have me. Always.” they said. He looked at his apology. It was out of place, so he opened his keyboard.  
“I’m sorry too, Josh. I didn’t mean to try and kiss you. Or make you worry.” he wrote and sent it. There was no need to sugarcoat it, they both knew what had happened. It didn’t take long before he replied.   
“It’s okay. I wouldn’t mind.” it said. Tyler stomach fluttered wildly. He wouldn’t mind either. “I’m just happy you’re okay. You are, right?”   
“Yeah.” Tyler sighed as he sent it. His face wasn’t stinging anymore. “Tell Brendon not to call me, just tell i’m a-okay.”   
“Ok :-)” he sent, and Tyler chuckled. Why was he so happy? He was crying?  
“<3” he put the phone down after sending the heart, and heard the signal of response, knowing he had gotten the same thing back. _ _ _ _ _ _

______He was still lying on his back on the rug, staring up into the ceiling. Without him noticing, the fourth lightbulb had stopped flickering and had gone out. Rhyming lines streamed into Tyler’s mind._ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ey, that's it. Fun stuff. We're getting somewhere. I'm going to be honest with ya'll, I really like writing the moments BEFORE a relationship, not so much the part during. If only pining could last forever. Still, don't worry, I'm not done with the angst yet. 
> 
> Leave some feedback if you want, it helps me a ton! See you guys soon<3


	20. "The Sun."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler is freezing himself out from his family in fear of them finding out about his thoughts, and they are helping him with that along the way. On a run, he bumps into Brendon Urie, and the two talk over the last few weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> I feel sort of weird writing up until Christmas in the middle of summer, but with my pace it'll be winter in real life before I'm done, hehe. 
> 
> Either way, this chapter isn't very long and it's a lot of thoughts, but quite a lot of friendly dialogue as well. Hope you enjoy!

The dark month that followed Tyler’s birthday felt longer and much colder than usual. Christmas decorations were everywhere, fairylights hung in trees and candles burned in most every window. There had already been a snow day, even, as the streets were constantly being refilled with glistening, heavy snow. It was the snowiest December Ohio had seen in a while, it felt like. Tyler wondered if it was some practical joke on him, or if God was trying to cheer him up, because despite all this he still felt rather sad. Lonely was surprisingly a new feeling to him, as he had never had much to compare with anyway. 

It was a week until Christmas. For every day that passed, Tyler felt himself becoming more and more invisible. To everyone. His parents were ignoring him as much as he was hiding from them, having taken it upon himself to move down into the basement. He didn’t mind sharing a room with Zack really, but whatever he did he had started feeling like a burden. More than ever. He wasn’t sure how his family was feeling about him, but he decided it wasn’t hard to guess considering how his mother rarely looked at him at all, and his father did so with empathy and plea in his eyes. Madison and Jay seemed oblivious of course, only being children. But whenever Jay asked to play hockey on the street or Madison wanted to draw with him, he’d either decline with the excuse of being tired or busy with studying(which wasn’t a lie, they were crowded with tests), or wait for his mom to swoop in to distract them with a chore. He wanted to hate her for it, he wanted to see how she purposefully froze him out of his own home. But at the same time, Tyler didn’t want to spend time with them either, he wanted to be alone and he didn’t want to be in the way. He did lie, and run away, and do things they had told him not to. Therefore it was just as much his own fault as it was hers and anyone else’s, and he had no one to blame. And no energy to solve it either, for that matter. If he didn’t confront anyone, they couldn’t insult him or hurt him. It was rather embarrassing, how afraid he was to get called something horrible or get slapped by his mom. It wasn’t actually dangerous, he didn’t actually get hurt. After a while he got over it anyway. So, why do anything about when he didn’t even want to? 

It was coldest in the morning, but the sunrise was crisp and refreshing, and Tyler found himself our running despite that cold. In sleepless nights, even before school. He found himself priveleged to be a guy, wondering how all the girls of the world coped with shutting themselves in all night when they felt the need to get out, as they must know it’s dangerous. But it December, the worst thing that could happen was to slip and hit your head. He tied on his shoes and put on icebugs for the slippery streets. The beanie Brendon gave him came to good use as well. Strangely enough, his parents hadn’t asked where he got it. That itself proved how little they must care. 

He took a look in the bathroom mirror, as he had a bathroom to himself down there, before heading up into the house. Every time he did this nowadays he got a heavy feeling in his stomach and a prickling sensation in his skin, as if he was a rabbit hopping out of his hole, knowing that there could be a dog loose around the next corner. He had finished reading Watership Down already, and it had been very inspiring.  
“I’m going for a run,” he called rather quietly. The cold winter air had his breath becoming smoke in a second, and he shut the door quietly behind him. Instantly that prey-like feeling went away, and Tyler could head down the street. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but he was running rather fast. 

It was far below freezing that day and the still, cold air was biting down on Tyler’s cheeks and through the thin gloves he had grabbed in a hurry. To keep his warmth he had to keep his speed, and the rhythm and the way he was quickly getting out of breath was one of the most familiar and comforting feelings he knew. At some points he could close his eyes for a few seconds at a time and just listen to his own feet hit the ground, letting his mind shut off and just run. When he opened them again the snow was blinding and thoughts swirled back into his mind. Comfortable and rather relaxed as he was, he let himself think about Josh for a while. Despite how stressed it often made him now, knowing his mother’s murderous look when he spoke about just his friends and how she’d react if she knew anything more, he couldn’t deny the stiff smile fighting against the cold. Tyler tried not to think about his attempt to kiss him, that was just something he had done in that unfamiliar, rebellious state of mind he had gotten himself into for the day. He had made sure to explain this to Josh quite soon after, and he understood. But the thought wasn’t repulsing, no matter how much he wanted it to be. Tyler couldn’t actually go around telling Josh or anyone else what he was feeling if he hadn’t even figured it out himself first. And the only way and the only time to do it was to think when he was out running. Then he was calm and under no distractions or manipulations. 

So he wouldn’t mind kissing him. And Josh wouldn’t mind. Tyler didn’t try to imagine it, as he didn’t have to. He knew exactly how his mind would rush before, how he’d try to fight himself back and forth whether he should continue or not. He’d be afraid and nervous and unsure, but not because of uncomfort. Only because he knew it was the wrong thing to do to everyone. What if this was just one of those phases that people mentioned? What if Tyler didn’t actually have any feelings for Josh at all, but was just overthinking it? The thought of how homosexuality was a sin still lingered as well, but for some reason Tyler thought he was above that now. He could deal with it later. He still knew he’d hear those words plenty from people all around him. Maybe his parents would disown him. 

Tyler had to stop to catch his breath, as he had been running faster and faster as his mind traveled further and further away.  
“What do I do?” he asked himself quietly, but possibly was he asking God. He always had the right thing to say. If he’d ever actually say anything.  
“I suggest you slow down a little,” came a voice from behind and it took Tyler a moment to process being spoken to. He turned, and next to him was a cheerful-as-always Brendon Urie. Tyler was weirdly stunned seeing him so suddenly, and his first instinct was to look around for anyone else.  
“Hello? Can you see me?” Brendon asked awkwardly, waving a hand in front of his face.  
“Yes, sorry. I’m spaced out,” Tyler excused, though his actual reason was embarrassment. He had been avoiding Brendon a little bit at a time at school, just like he had with everyone. Despite Brendon’s friendly approaches and attempts at hanging out, Tyler had managed to slip away.  
“Clearly. How are you though? Things with your fam?” Brendon asked, pulling his scarf higher on his face.  
“Can we not talk about that? Also, don’t say fam out loud,” Tyler sighed and started walking, reluctantly inviting Brendon to walk next to him.  
“Okay. And okay,” Brendon laughed quietly at the ground.  
“What’s up with you? How’s Lizzy?” Tyler asked to keep up the conversation.  
“We’re good, we went to the movies just last night. Saw the new Marvel flick. It’s cool that she likes it,” Brendon shrugged. Tyler thought how it seemed that Brendon was still finding out new things about her every day, even fundamental things like what kind of movies she likes. Either it was because he was unfocused, or because he was rushing into things. Tyler wanted to believe in him, though. 

The thing with Brendon and Tyler was that, despite their falling out and then long hiatus of their friendship, they were not very far from the people they had been in that time. Therefore they still knew each other better than anyone, almost. Tyler trusted Josh fully, but there was something about Brendon that reminded Tyler of a cushion, or something alike. There was a certain type of comfort, even though Brendon was definitely not a perfect person. Being attractive and having a natural sense of compassion and friendliness, he could easily make the illusion that he was. Tyler knew better. With years of experience, he had cracked Brendon’s coding long ago. 

They walked together, Tyler stopping to cough every now and again. He shouldn’ actually be running in this cold, he was going to get sick. Brendon seemed to think the same;  
“Why are you out running in this weather anyway? The cold isn’t good for your throat,” he hummed, and Tyler cast him a glance.  
“I know,” he answered, catching up again. “I just-...I just need time to think.” Tyler knew he had already said he didn’t want to talk about his family, and hinting at them again was sure to get Brendon bothered, but he was the one who’d asked anyway.  
“You can’t do that inside?” Brendon shivered, pulling his coat up his neck as a biting wind pushed them back.  
“You of all people know of distractions.” Tyler wouldn’t normally point at Brendon’s ADHD, but he seemed to find it funny still.  
“True.” 

They walked quietly around the block(and another and another), and Tyler wasn’t sure if he should be grateful or not. He was going out for a run, and Brendon was sort of clouding his thoughts, but he would actually rather be with him than be alone in general right then. Still, the longer theywent, the more aware Tyler became about the thought of what his parents would say if they knew where he was. Brendon was their least favourite person in the world, still. But he let him distract him, even though that was what he was avoiding. Eventually though;  
“Jeez, can’t we just go home? I’m literally about to freeze to death,” Brendon groaned, famously reminding Tyler of a child in a tantrum. This made him smile, but he had heard what he said too.  
“Yeah, okay. I’ll see you on Monday,” Tyler shivered, also feeling like going indoors, despite everything.  
“What? No, dumb-dumb.” Brendon grabbed a hold of Tyler’s wrist and pulled him back before he had turned around fully. “You’re coming with me.” 

Tyler got his hand back, and reluctantly came along. This was literally the last thing his mom would want, and he didn’t dare to imagine what she’d do if she found out. How was he supposed to excuse staying out so long? No, this time he’d be careful.  
“No, Bren, wait,” he spoke before he’d quite figured out what to say. “Don’t you think this is pretty stupid? My mom…” Tyler realized that he was giving off a lot of hints about his parents being absolute monsters, which wasn’t true. Brendon looked thoughtful.  
“Right. Well, I don’t want to tell you what to do. You’ll have to decide on your own.” Instantly a list of pros and cons was created in Tyler’s head. 

Cons: He wasn’t allowed to go. He was probably expected to be back within half an hour. If his parents found out, they’d yell at him and he’d probably never be allowed to go outside again. His mom would be really angry. He’d have to hear more mean things about his friends, and surely have a few well chosen words for himself to think about as well. 

Pros: He got to hang out at Brendon’s house instead of his own for a little while. 

“An hour, tops,” decided Tyler, and Brendon seemed pleased.  
“You little rebel, you,” he hummed and bumped his shoulder to Tyler’s, who luckily stayed on his feet. 

The warmth that crashed against Tyler’s skin as he entered the apartment had him tearing up. Not only because of the air, but actually just how he felt welcome and it made him emotional. He didn’t start crying though, he just kicked off his shoes and hung his jacket on a peg, keeping his beanie on. His hair was probably sweaty and gross. Otherwise he was wearing sweats and a hoodie, so that was fine.  
“Mom’s helping out at the church for the Christmas event thing today. I’m sure you know about it,” Brendon shrugged, unbuttoning his gray coat and hanging it on a peg as well. Tyler recalled what he was talking about, and wondered if his family wouldn’t do the same soon. They were going to it, after all.  
“Right. I’m guessing you’re not planning on going?” Tyler smiled sarcastically, but was met with a thoughtful looking Brendon.  
“Maybe I will. It’ll warm my mother’s heart, and I think it’ll be kind of nice. And there’ll be free food, so…” Brendon shrugged, looking genuinely happy.  
“Remember that my family will also be there,” Tyler joked, following Brendon into the kitchen.  
“Alright, why do they hate me so much? What the fuck did I do?” Brendon laughed as if he wasn’t believing it. Tyler laughed a little too, but sort of sadly. He could come up with why, but they weren’t good reasons. Brendon knew too. He swore and drank and smoked and slept around with guys and girls and he pulled himself out of church, which meant Tyler’s parents also thought Brendon’s parents were irresponsible. Tyler’s parents also didn’t know that it wasn’t Brendon who had started the gay rumors about their son, so they had that to blame. They also thought that Brendon was making Tyler into a copy of himself which, despite everything, wasn’t actually going to happen. But all these reasons had no weight or value to Tyler at all, so he just smiled softly and shrugged.  
“No clue,” he said, and they shared a knowing look.  
“I’m so happy you are the way you are.” Brendon shook his head and smiled. Tyler’s chest fluttered slightly at the sudden compliment, and his gaze stayed on Brendon as he threw his arms up and drew through the cupboards. “Now, hot chocolate, or I’ll die.” 

Tyler hopped up on the kitchen counter like he often did, and Brendon chuckled.  
“You still do that,” he pointed out, smiling to himself. Tyler felt unsure.  
“Sorry, should I get down?” he asked, lifting himself slightly.  
“No, no, it’s cute,” Brendon shrugged. Tyler frowned.  
“Not really an argument. That doesn’t make it okay,” Tyler argued, a little bit stumped at being called “cute”. Brendon had always been one to speak his mind, but he was extra generous with the compliments today, it seemed. He laughed a little.  
“You’re saying that as if you’re breaking the law,” he yawned, pouring milk into a pan and putting on the stove. “Hey, actually, there are blankets in the living room. I am cold.”  
“Hi Cold, I’m Tyler,” Tyler laughed along as he told the joke and Brendon sighed, giving him a glare. Tyler hopped down and swayed away, laughing at himself.

The living room was now fully decorated, and Tyler was painfully reminded about how he didn’t get to be there to see it get done. He figured he could ask Brendon about the rest of that day as he grabbed a large gray blanket and reached for a red one higher up on the couch. Remembering them from long ago, he gave one a whiff. It even smelled like Brendon’s old house. Tyler snorted at himself, realizing how creepy that was, and decided to forget it had happened.

He carefully tossed a blanket over Brendon’s head so it wouldn’t be a fire hazard, and met his annoyed look with a playful one, as he had wrapped his blanket over his head to look like an ewok. Brendon rolled his eyes and smiled.  
“You’re ridiculous,” he said.  
“A little,” Tyler shrugged. Whenever he got a blanket over him, he always started feeling weirdly childish and cuddly. “Hey, I was wondering. Um...on Saturday, when we were here-”  
“On your Birthday, you mean?” Brendon interrupted and Tyler sighed.  
“Yes, my Birthday,” he confirmed.  
“Go on.”  
“What happened after I left? Like what did Sarah and Jenna say? And Lizzy…” Tyler was suddenly a bit anxious. The only picture Lizzy really had of him was a strange guy who shows up at parties only to go get a friend, likes cookies and has a patchy relationship with his kind of overreactive mother. Actually. Her view of him wasn’t wrong in any way.  
“Yeah, they wondered where you went.” Brendon nodded and swallowed sort of nervously. “Mom told me to call you just in case, but Josh said you were okay. You were, right?”  
“Obviously,” Tyler responded.  
“Good. Well, uh...then something kind of weird happened...with Sarah,” Brendon confessed, and Tyler felt like Brendon hadn’t been planning to talk about this with the way he was awkwardly stirring the milk and averting his eyes. Tyler waited for him to continue. “She got really mad at me when I talked to her. I guess I made some kind of dumb joke about uh...well, whatever. Nothing out of the ordinary. But she got really pissed at me, sort of like that time in school. I don’t know if you were there,” Brendon explained.  
“No, but Josh told me a bit about it,” Tyler said, knowing how stressed Josh was about the whole Brendon-Sarah situation and how he blamed himself, which by the way was ridiculous.  
“Yeah, I don’t know,” Brendon rubbed his neck with his hand in thought. “She didn’t insult Lizzy so to say, but I think she might be jealous. It’s super weird, ‘cause it’s never happened before,” Brendon shrugged. Tyler thought. He knew Sarah had feelings for Brendon, amdhe couldn’t act surprised even if he wanted to. He played it cool.  
“Maybe she can tell you’re serious this time,” he suggested, and Brendon nodded, then hummed a long note which turned into an “ugh”.  
“It makes things weird. Do you seriously think Sarah likes me?” he asked, and Tyler was at a dilemma. If he didn’t have confirmation, would he know? Thinking about how Sarah looked at him, forgived him and laughed at his jokes, the answer was obvious.  
“Yes,” he answered. Brendon sighed.  
“Damn. Well, I can’t help that. I feel bad for her, then,” he murmured, and although Tyler knew he was saying it self-depricatingly, he couldn’t let it stand.  
“Don’t. She’s a smart girl, she knows what’s up,” he said casually, accepting a mug of hot chocolate from his friend, and they left it at that. 

Tyler looked around Brendon’s room for a moment, and it was decorated as much as a teenager’s room could be. There was a little Christmas tree on the desk and some reindeer on the windowsill. He smiled a little and sat down on the bed. Brendon had a king-sized one, and Tyler was sure it had been shared by plenty of people.  
“I can’t remember if I’ve been here before,” he said, and Brendon connected his bluetooth speaker to put on some Sinatra, apparently. He could never get enough, but to be fair he had the best holiday records.  
“Probably not. It’s not special,” Brendon yawned and put his mug down on his bedside table to crash head-first into the mattress. Tyler dodged spilling chocolate everywhere.  
“Watch it, bud,” he warned and Brendon laughed with a muffle into his cover.  
“Sowwy. Heh, hou ao thngs gng wiw Osh?” he said and Tyler laughed.  
“What do you mean? Or well, I know what you mean. It’s a bit weird,” Tyler sighed, remembering how things had been a bit forced between him and Josh ever since his Birthday, and they had been spending a lot less time alone together. None, actually, as he thought about it. Brendon sat up, looking messed up and curious, grabbing his chocolate to sip it with interest. Tyler took a sip as well, almost burning his tongue. “Something happened between us too.” he admitted, referencing to Brendon and Sarah’s quarrel. This one was almost worse.  
“Don’t stop half-way,” Brendon argued, furrowing his eyebrows.  
“I tried to kiss him,” Tyler said, and got a spray of hot chocolate over him. He was too embarrassed to react, and just rubbed it off his face.  
“You did _what _?!” Brendon exclaimed, and then started laughing. “When? How? Why didn’t it work out? What did he say? Tyler, what the fuck?” he chuckled, taking a long slurp and then putting the mug away, hopping closely childishly.__  
“Heck off,” Tyler said jokingly, pushing Brendon’s face away with his hands. “It was, uh...it was here. In the kitchen. Um-” Tyler interrupted himself when he saw Brendon’s surprised face, muttering “what the fuck” over and over. “It was on my Birthday, and I was already feeling a bit...rebellious. Or whatever.” Tyler rubbed his eye, blushing a lot by now. “And I just...Jeez, I don’t know. He’s just...astonishing sometimes. Like have you _looked _at him? Like really?” Tyler tried, feeling he was way too out of character. He couldn’t quite explain it, but Brendon usually knew things anyway.__  
“Yeah, I know,” Brendon giggled. “He’s adorable.” Tyler was satisfied.  
“He has all these little things, like when his eyes squint when he smiles, you know? And his hair is getting long, dunno if you’ve noticed. And- and...every time I see him, I get this really weird feeling. It’s like- this is going to sound really weird, but it feels like some sort of fear? My heart beats faster and get this weird prickly feeling in my stomach. I can’t think straight at all sometimes, and I don’t even care,” Tyler finished, laughing sadly. Brendon was listening with focused eyes and a wide, smug smile.  
“I don’t know how to say this without you getting mad, but buddy...you got the hots for that boy,” he said, lifting his hands in defense.  
“No,” Tyler corrected. He was lying, and he knew it. He just didn’t want to admit it, literally.  
“You said you tried to kiss him like five minutes ago.” Brendon argued, chuckling challengingly.  
“So? I don’t know what happened with me there, I told you, I feel like I lose control. He drives me insane, it’s sort of manipulative,” Tyler sighed, resting his head on his hand and thinking back. 

_______Maybe that was just it. Josh had said he “wouldn’t mind” them kissing, but what was he actually willing to do to get it? A cold feeling settled in Tyler’s stomach and he closed his eyes._  
“What do you mean, manipulative?” Brendon asked, taking his hot chocolate again and drinking with interest.  
“I mean...I don’t know, you’re not going to believe me,” Tyler dismissed. Brendon waited. “I’ve completely ignored the thought until now, but I think he...he does really like me. Like he’s sure. An actual crush.”  
“Does that scare you away? Also, why would that be hard to believe?” Brendon asked, and Tyler furrowed his eyebrows.  
“Huh? Oh, not that. Or well, yeah. I was thinking, maybe he’s just...trying to get to me or something. I know he knows how bad it would be for me to like him, no less be...together...but maybe he doesn’t care? Like...what if he’s just pretending to be my friend because-”  
“Okay, let me stop you right there,” Brendon interrupted curtly. “Are you hearing yourself, dude? I know you well enough to know not only that you don’t actually believe that, but also that you wouldn’t go around catching feelings - or whatever you want to call this - without having had some sort of connection. You’re too smart,” Brendon schooled, and then continued. “And also, I can’t believe you’re paranoid of _Josh Dun _, he’s like the most genuinely nice person I’ve ever met. I’m against telling people who likes them, but I can tell you that if he does like you and was unsure of your feelings, he would try to forget it as fast as he could. Just so it wouldn’t bother you. That’s the type of person he is, right?”__  
Tyler nodded, it was. “But I tried to kiss him, B. Isn’t that some sort of love confession?”  
“Not in your book, apparently. But you think you don’t know what you’re feeling because you’re scared of your mom.” Brendon blabbed, and after that the room became silent as they both looked at each other, trying to figure the other out. Tyler’s eyes narrowed slightly. Was Brendon going to apologize or stand by that? It took a moment for the information to dig into Tyler’s head anyway, and slowly he came to terms with it. He was scared, it was true. Everything he did was decided on his parents’ - his mom’s specifically - opinion on it. He didn’t know when or how that happened, really, but it wasn’t untrue. Was she truly the only thing that stood between Tyler and Tyler? What he thought and what he felt, that is.  
“Ty-”  
“Don’t apologize. You’re right.” Tyler nodded. “If she wasn’t there, I wouldn’t be so unsure, probably. But what do I do about that?” Tyler wondered out loud.  
“Well...honestly, you’re doing pretty good, I think,” Brendon shrugged and Tyler looked up curiously. “Six months ago you wouldn’t have payed a boy a second thought. You would barely look at me. You’d never think of of sneaking out, or going against your parents at all. You’re growing up, is all. You’re learning to do what you want, and this is just the biggest obstacle yet. That’s the way I see it,” Brendon explained, and Tyler was convinced he was right instantly. It scared him a little bit, how he was actually willing to sneak out and argue against people now, but at the same time he was glad. 

___________“Hey, by the way, your mom aside. What does your dad think about it?” Brendon asked suddenly, and Tyler had to think for a moment._  
“I don’t know. The same, I think. He just won’t say it the same way.” Tyler shrugged, but felt guilty. “Or well, they might have been on different pages for a while about things, I don’t know what. They’ve been fighting a little. That’s never really happened before,” Tyler thought out loud. It didn’t really bother him that much, it wasn’t like they were yelling insults at each other, but his little siblings had been worried. He sort of just...let them deal with that on their own.  
“Oh, sorry bud. Maybe it’s a good thing,” Brendon tried.  
“What do you mean?” Tyler asked. How could fighting be good?  
“I don’t know, maybe your dad doesn’t think like your mom about you. About me and Josh and everything, I mean.”  
“Maybe,” Tyler admitted, but wasn’t counting on it. 

________“Whoo boy, this got heavy fast. Sorry,” Brendon suddenly interrupted and took a long sip. Tyler laughed, somehow feeling air getting lighter again.  
“I think I’m just gonna talk to Josh, you know?” Tyler nodded. “On Christmas, in church. I probably won’t really get a chance to see him before then, we’re on holiday after tomorrow. And I should think.”  
“That’s my boy! Imagine, that Tyler Joseph would suggest to talk about his feelings and thoughts,” Brendon chuckled, leaning back on his bed. “Maybe you’ll even have a real fucking chat with your mom too.” They both laughed awkwardly, as it was unbelievable and that made it both funny and sad. _ _ _ _

___________A signal from Tyler’s phone cut them off. A text from his mom, ironically._  
“Where are you?” Blunt as always. Tyler sighed.  
“What?” Brendon asked curiously, leaning over and reading the text. “Oh.”  
“Gotta skidaddle. I hope I’ll see you on Christmas,” Tyler nodded, bumping his shoulder to Brendon’s quickly.  
“Skidaddle,” Brendon snorted. “But yeah, I’ll see you.” 

___________Tyler exited the house and answered the text on the way, coming up with some excuse about having to warm up at the library and forgetting the time. She didn’t respond. She truly wanted as little as possible to do with him, didn’t she? Tyler could see it in her eyes when they spoke sometimes, she looked like she was looking at someone else than her child. Someone who was just trying to hurt her and said that everything she believed was wrong. Tyler was against that, so he quickly decided he should be nicer no matter what. Or at least try to be._  
“Mom, I’m home!” he called as he entered the house.  
“The library is closed today, Tyler. You know Jenna’s mom works there.” His mother’s voice came from the kitchen, and Tyler stopped in his tracks. He could see Kelly and Jenna’s mother at the table, each with a cup of coffee. Kelly looked serious, but not too much.  
“Oh...uh, yeah I know. I didn’t go into the library, just the lobby, actually,” Tyler excused and tried to get his shoes off, but the knot was tight and his fingers cold.  
“And you forgot the time?” she chuckled, and Tyler got the feeling she was not very amused at all. He tried to ignore it. Stand up for yourself, he thought. But don’t be sassy.  
“I suppose. Sorry,” he sighed, smiling at her a little. Kelly nodded and turned to Jenna’s mom.  
“That’s the first time he apologizes for anything in weeks, I think,” she said quietly, obviously not caring that her son was only a few feet away. He stayed quiet as they snickered like mothers do. Tyler decided to head to the basement.  
“Wait, Tyler, before you go. You know how you said you and Jenna have been spending more time together? Well, I was thinking that maybe you two could take Christmas as an opportunity, in church. Debbie suggested we have a nice family dinner here the day before as well. That sound like fun?” Kelly was trying to sound a little excited, and Tyler felt bad as it also sounded genuine. She did really want him and Jenna to be together, as if it was a long time coming and she was already saving up for the wedding. If Tyler was going to get out of this alive, he did actually have to get to know Jenna better to make her understand. She was clever and kind when she didn’t snap at dumb boys in the halls, surely she’d help him for a bit. But how would he have time?  
“Sure, that sounds great. I’ll, uh- talk to Jenna about it,” he nodded. 

______Jeez. When one problem went away, two new ones appeared._ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was it, I hope you liked it! Brendon is the life-guide for everyone here, but trust me when I say things aren't going so well for him either. You'll see what I mean soon enough. 
> 
> As for currents, what do you think Jenna will say about all this? How long will it be before Tyler's feelings catch up with him? When will I finally write a Josh chapter again?
> 
> Leave a comment if you want, and thank you for your support! PS Thanks a million for those 3000 hits, I hope you've read this far and are enjoying the story! <3


	21. "The End of The Beginning."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Day, all families in Tyler's little hometown are gathering at the church at the tensions are rising as he can no longer run from his true self.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter! I'm very excited! It's a long one, so bear with me, a lot is going to happen. I'll see you at the end for more info, happy reading!

“Alright Tyler, let me get this straight. You want me to pretend to date you today at dinner and tomorrow in church to hide your gay crush on Josh Dun, because your parents hate Brendon Urie.” Jenna said, looking up from holding her hand over her forehead. Tyler blushed.   
“Well, when you say it like that...” he muttered. 

The two were sitting on Tyler’s bed, their families getting along upstairs. Tyler hated how easily he could excuse himself, the smiles on his parents faces when he talked about Jenna. It made him feel extremely guilty, but as he had just explained to her, it was for everyone’s best.   
“You’re the only friend I have that they like right now. I’m pretty sure they’re suspicious of Josh, they’ve started getting all quiet whenever his name come up,” Tyler explained, knowing he was just repeating himself, so Jenna interrupted him.   
“Tyler, who cares what your parents think? Brendon surely doesn’t. Be with who you want,” Jenna argued, though Tyler knew she knew it wasn’t that easy.   
“You were _there _, Jenna. You remember when I...when I went rogue in church a few years ago, you know what my mom does when she doesn’t like something,” Tyler whispered, awkwardly laughing to keep the mood light. Jenna was quiet for a moment as Tyler tried to keep eye contact with her, but the memory on the front of his brain eventually got his vision to flicker down to his hands.  
“Are you worried about that? Honestly concerned?” Jenna asked worriedly, and Tyler shrugged instantly. He didn’t have time for a child service problem now too.  
“That’s not the point. The point is, I can’t go around wondering and avoiding things anymore. I’m going to speak to Josh, but I can’t risk him getting hurt, or anyone else. My parents have this idea that Brendon is the devil or something, making me a bad person. And in their eyes, I get that. Just...I need you to ride this out with me for a while, until I’ve figured it out. Otherwise it’ll drive me insane, Jenna,” Tyler persuaded, and she continued looking thoughtful.   
“Okay. I will. This is crazy, Tyler. But let’s do it,” she finally sighed. Tyler felt happy, but very nervous. This could all go very terribly, and the chance of things going to his unmade plan were small. But he had to.   
“Thank you.” he managed to say before there was a knock on the door. Without warning his mom’s head popped in, smiling softly.   
“Dinner’s ready. Take your time, though.” she said and then left them alone again. Tyler shuddered. __

__They made their way down, speaking quietly about how they should act, as it had taken time for Tyler to persuade Jenna to begin with and they hadn’t gotten far into how it would work along the way. But it was okay. Tyler knew it was risky, but the situation was too unpredictable to really see further than a few hours ahead. Therefore he didn’t bother thinking about what would happen after Christmas. He hadn’t even prepared what he should say to Josh. He liked him. It was quite clear. It was dangerous. They couldn’t not talk about it. He’d have to just pull him out of the church and hope for the best. Josh would understand._ _

__“There they are. Now, let’s all say grace. Tyler, why don’t you go ahead?” Kelly asked softly, and there was a weird feeling of comfort this time when she looked at him with affection. He knew it was genuine and he hated it, and yet it made him feel loved. He cleared his throat. He thought for a moment, but couldn’t bring himself to copy any prayers. He had always preferred to make them up anyway.  
“Dear Lord, thank you for this wonderful Christmas meal. Thank you for bringing our families together on this holy day of the birth of our Savior. We are thankful for your guidance through our hardships,” his mind traveled to the night he met Josh in the woods. The night he had gone looking for the one he was now talking to, but had instead found a friend. “and for the blessings you’ve brought our family - s.” he paused and everyone chuckled a little, but it was all in good heart. “We are thankful for the gift of fellowship and family, and we pray in the name of our Savior. Amen.” he finished, and everyone repeated after him. Jenna have his hand a squeeze and they smiled at each other as everyone let their hands down and began eating and talking. _ _

__“A lot about family.” Jenna thought out loud, speaking only to him.  
“In the beginning it was about this, but then I came to think about you and the others. That’s what I’m really thankful for right now.” Tyler nodded, taking a bite of his food.   
“Oh, don’t say that. You know you’re happy right now, somewhere in there.” Jenna argued, although she sounded sympathetic. Tyler gave her a look. “At least in a _calm-before-the-storm _type of way, maybe?”  
“Maybe.” Tyler shrugged with a smile on his face. He was a little happy. He looked at his mom, who quickly averted her eyes, a playful look on her face as they had eye contact for a moment and she smiled warmly. Tyler felt like a liar. A traitor around a holy table. He quickly suffocated the thought with a pillow, climbed up the stairs and left it in the basement of his head. ___ _

____Tyler was distracted by a buzz in his hand under the table, where his phone was temporarily located. He had somehow managed to explain to Brendon what was going on, and he turned off the notifications as he earned a curious look from his mom.  
“I can’t believe this is working. Is Jenna really on board?” his friend wrote.   
“I guess so, thank goodness. She’s an angel. Anyway, I’m gonna speak to Josh in church. Or outside it. Somehow.” Tyler answered, typing quickly and sent it. “I’m just gonna go for it. Who cares?”   
“Good boy, I’ll be right behind you :-)” Brendon sent before Tyler had to tore his eyes away.   
“Tyler, could you conversate? Maybe with your girlfriend?” his mother winked, not looking angry at all. He was forgiven.   
“It’s alright, Mrs. Joseph. He’s just looking forward to the event in church tomorrow,” Jenna saved, and Tyler shot her a grateful glance. _ _ _ _

____The dinner eventually toned down, having gone smoothly. Tyler realized he and Jenna still needed to talk and he rose from his seat without a warning. He was getting more and more nervous by the minute for tomorrow.  
“I’ll walk Jenna home,” he explained and the two teenagers were out the door before anyone batted an eye. Jenna was the first to speak.   
“So...have you thought about after Christmas?” she asked softly as they walked slowly over the blocks to her house.   
“No,” Tyler lied. “I don’t care. I just can’t think that far right now. I just want to solve things with Josh, let my parents get mad. I’ll take it. And you and I will just have to break up.”   
Jenna looked thoughtful. “Yeah. Or - this is crazy - what if we don’t? I mean you and I are friends. I’ll cover for you for a little while longer if you need it. Until you and Josh get together for real. Because then you’re just gonna have to tell your parents,” she schooled.   
“If we do,” Tyler said and blushed on the cold. “It feels risky. But everything is. Thanks, Jenna. We can try,” Tyler agreed as they reached her house. She went in with a platonic goodbye and Tyler sighed, contemplating whether he should just leave for the woods and not go back. _ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Tyler’s eyes had a purple edge along his eyelashes and the dark shadows under them were more distinct than he remembered. His hair was as good as it would get, and he was sweating profoundly in his dress pants and shirt. It was Christmas, and today was the day.  
“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay,” he breathed. “Josh, I know this is rushed and random. My parents haven’t been on my team for a long time now, and I just don’t care about what happens. I just want to let you know that all I said after I tried to kiss you, all about me in a weird place and not meaning to do it, was lies. I wanted to. I want to. I like you, and I want to be with you. It’s not more complicated than that.” By the time he had stopped, his heart was beating out of his chest. His reflection looked nothing as perfect as the person he was preparing to speak to. It would be fine. He’d be okay. _ _ _ _

____He washed his face and hands thoroughly, hoping to make himself stop sweating. He hadn’t slept all night, going over every little thing that could possibly go wrong in the pitch blackness of the basement. He was enjoying living down there though, he had his keyboard and a lot of time to himself. A lot of poems were being written, but he wasn’t planning on telling anyone about that. Either way, the list had gone on. So many people were involved and Tyler knew that they would all eventually get into a lot of trouble, but there was something in him that just overwhelmed him with the thought “I don’t care”. I don’t care, and that was it. His mom would be angry, he didn’t care. Jenna and Josh would get into trouble, it was fine. Maybe his mom would even tell off Brendon if he showed up at church today, but Tyler would help him. His heart racing, he continued to tell himself that it was all fine._ _ _ _

____A knock on the door made him jump, but considering no one said anything outside or tried to barge in, Tyler conclude that it was probably Zack.  
“What? Are we leaving?” he asked, clearing his throat upon hearing how wobbly he sounded.   
“Not yet, but can I talk to you?” Zack asked, and Tyler didn’t feel like coming out so he opened the door and Zack slipped inside. He continued without a second thought. “You know at dinner yesterday, with Jenna and all that...you guys aren’t actually dating?” he asked. Tyler thought how rude that would be to ask and how offended he would be if Zack had been wrong, but he wasn’t.   
“No, how did you know that?” Tyler still asked, trying to sound bitter. Considering Zack was such a blabbermouth, he wanted him to stay out of Tyler’s romantic life. He recalled Zack persuading him to trust him though, and he did.   
“Well, uh- I’ve been, I’ve just been thinking that you don’t actually...uh, like her. Or girls...at all.” Zack looked down into the ground, blushing. He was ready for Tyler to explode, and although Tyler definitely felt like snapping back at him, he decided to think first. He had had girlfriends long ago, and he hadn’t decided on what to make of his actual feelings, his...sexuality, but he was done with all the questioning, he was done with pushing people out of his life.   
“I don’t,” Tyler confirmed and Zack looked surprised, as if he didn’t actually believe it.   
“Really? You’re gay?” he asked, now his familiar little-brother oblivion back on his face.   
“No,” Tyler growled, making Zack furrow his eyebrows. “I mean, yes. I guess I am. But if I say that, my life is going to crash and burn. Which why I’m pretend-dating Jenna,” he explained.  
“Isn’t that a little mean to her?” Zack asked quietly.   
“She’s in on it,” Tyler said and considered telling Zack everything. Before he had properly decided not to, he had already begun speaking. “We’re trying to distract everyone for a while so I can...confess...uh, confess my feelings to a guy.”  
“Josh?”  
“Yes.”  
“I knew it!” Zack exclaimed, but Tyler smacked his arm and he covered his mouth with his hand.   
“You don’t know anything, and if you tell anyone what you don’t know I’m going to kill you,” Tyler said through gritted teeth as Zack giggled.   
“Man, your life is so messed up. Mom is going to murder you,” he said light-heartedly, but there was a knowing sadness in his face.   
“Thanks, Zack. You’re so supportive.” Tyler left the bathroom and headed into his room in the basement. Zack trailed along awkwardly.   
“I didn’t mean that,” he apologized and Tyler shrugged.   
“It’s alright, I’ve come to terms with it,” he nodded, putting his hands on his hips.   
“Wait, you don’t actually think she’d-” Zack laughed nervously, and Tyler looked at him in a way that would end the conversation then and there, but Zack was dumb so he changed the subject instead after a brief pause. “I like Josh too,” he nodded. Tyler’s eyes widened at his little brother, who seemed to realize what he had said and covered his mouth with his hand again and started blushing. “No! No, not like that! I just- I think he’s cool. All your friends are cool. Brendon Urie is really cool, and uh, the tall guy-...”  
“Just shut up,” Tyler sighed.   
“Okay,” Zack finally agreed. _ _ _ _

____They headed upstairs, hearing how their family was getting ready. Madison had ribbons in her hair and little Jay was wearing a little suit. He wasn’t so little for his age, actually. Tyler ruffled his hair fondly, glad his little siblings were too small to get involved in his screwed up life, but sad that they’d have to be raised to believe he was bad. Maybe they could follow Zack’s example. But he and Zack were on a different wavelength, that was clear to see._ _ _ _

____“Zack, your tie’s all wrinkled,” Kelly commented with a disappointed tone as if they didn’t have time to fix that, but she was eyeing Tyler for some reason. He didn’t feel like being on bad terms with her today so he resided for glaring right back. Before long they were in the car, Tyler helped buckle Jay up and then hopped into the backseat of the old car. Back in the day his dad had taught him a bunch about cars and Tyler had enjoyed in immensely. He spent the car-ride thinking instead of talking, pondering over how he had changed since those days. He’d help fix the car, play basketball, ride his bike with Zack and pull girls’ ponytails. Now he hung out in the forest, had a queer best friend and a crush on another boy. Soon he’d be found painting Sarah’s nails and giving Jenna fashion advice. Upon the thought, Tyler frowned. He knew that was a dumb stereotype and he felt guilty for thinking it, but then again he wasn’t against the idea at all. It was all Brendon Urie’s fault. That thought made him grin. Damn Brendon Urie._ _ _ _

____He realized he hadn’t spoken a word the entire ride when they did arrive, and considering no one had tried to engage in conversation with him either, he considered that was for the best. If he distanced himself from his family, maybe they wouldn’t be as mad.  
“Alright, keep it civil, Jay.” his father said and Tyler snapped back into reality. It dawned on him what was about to happen within the next few hours and he felt his body grow cold and his hands start to shake, and for the first time he was regretting getting himself into this mess. He didn’t want to get into trouble, get his friends into trouble, get hit again - but it was too late now. He was already here, and he needed to be brave. But it was difficult, and everything was happening a little too fast. The sun was shining, glittering on the thick layer of snow on the lawn and blinding him. As they entered the church, Tyler looked down onto his black suit and felt as if his soul was the same color. A black sheep, a sinner under a holy roof.   
“Forgive me, Father, for I have, will, and am currently sinning.” he mouthed to himself. “Please be on my side in this, I know everyone says you hate me. I don’t think you do, but please, you have to prove it now.” he prayed sloppily. _ _ _ _

____There weren’t that many people in church yet and Tyler felt a little less nervous. Neither Josh or Brendon were here yet, but Jenna was. There was a big table near the entrance of the church where a bunch of plates with holiday-related snacks were placed. Tyler grabbed a cupcake and munched nervously. Too much icing. Josh must have made them.  
“Hey, there’s Jenna! Why don’t you go say hi.” Kelly suddenly cut in, winked and Tyler nodded, heading over before anyone could stop him. _ _ _ _

____As if by telepathy, Jenna turned around just as Tyler was heading over. She smiled at first, but upon noticing how pale and shaken he must look, she furrowed her eyebrows.  
“Are you okay?” she asked, but they were interrupted.   
“Hello, Tyler.” Jenna’s father hummed, and Tyler realized he should be nervous about meeting his girlfriend’s father, not about fake-dating her and admitting his feelings for a boy.   
“Hello, Mr. Black. Merry Christmas.” he said, just reminding himself of that it was indeed Christmas today.   
“Well, merry Christmas to you too! I’ve heard little about you from Jenna, in fact. Are you anything actually worth her time?” he challenged, and Tyler realized he was joking but was too nervous to play along with that.   
“No.” he answered, his voice hoarse.   
“Dad, stop hoarding him. Tyler, can we talk? In private?” Jenna said, grabbing a hold of his hand and leading them away, once again before anyone could protest. They went up only a little further on the aisle, nearing the altar. Tyler was uncomfortable with the irony and stopped, holding Jenna back, then drifted them off to the right. She had a curious expression but didn’t say anything. Then she shook her head.   
“So you’re going through with this? It’s not too late to change your mind.” she said, but Tyler shook his head, taking back his hand as he realized he they were still holding them.   
“It’s too late for me. If I don’t tell Josh how I feel and confront my mom, I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life. And you and I will be stuck together.” he noted, and Jenna looked bitter for a moment but Tyler knew she knew what he meant.   
“Alright. Well I texted Josh and they’re going to be here any moment, I thought he’d come before-” she stopped herself, her eyes looking behind him. “Oh Christ,” she muttered. Tyler turned around. Brendon Urie was trailing behind his parents, and a few of his older siblings were there too. “He’s here?”  
“Apparently.” Tyler said, but was caught up by another familiar face entering the church, Josh appeared at Brendon’s side and bumped his shoulder to his. His family came along and didn’t seem bothered that their son was friends with whoever he wanted. No one had noticed Jenna and Tyler, who were stood on the outer side of the pews.   
“That’s...uh, I didn’t expect that.” she said, and Tyler was sort of glad the conversation had gotten lead elsewhere than the mission at hand. He needed to calm down and stop thinking about it so much. One thing at a time. It felt like everything was happening at once. “Okay so, uh...what happens now?” Jenna asked, and although it seemed Tyler also did not know, he hadn’t stayed up all night thinking about basketball like he used to back in the day.   
“Mingle.” he answered and walked back to his family without missing a beat. _ _ _ _

____Josh spotted him and smiled, and Tyler had that familiar moment of forgetting everything bad in the world, that Josh was suddenly the center of the universe, but it faded quickly. Josh separated himself from his family, who were talking to Brendon’s. Tyler met Brendon’s eyes for a moment and managed to smile. He was nervous for him, but glad that he was here. It was going to be fine.  
“Merry Christmas, Tyler.” Josh cut that off by hugging him tightly. Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh too and they held on for way too long, much longer than Tyler had expected his family would let him.   
“Merry Christmas, Josh.” he answered and they got to have a single moment as they stepped apart where their eyes could meet and they could smile, and everything was fine.   
“Young Mr. Dun, Merry Christmas. How’s it going?” Tyler’s father asked, his voice so kind and warm, and Tyler felt weirdly proud of him. His mother’s eyes were narrowed and she was quiet. Tyler pretended not to see her.   
“I’m good, Mr. Joseph. Merry Christmas to you too. It’s really nice of the church to put these things together.” he put his hands behind his back, Tyler recognized the habit as something he did when he was nervous. So he was nervous too. Tyler had a sudden suspicion that Brendon had blabbed about him, he had forgotten how bad he could be at keeping secrets, but then again he was pretty sure Brendon was done talking about Tyler behind his back.   
“You made the cupcakes.” Tyler noted, even though he wasn’t entirely sure. Josh turned to him and looked puzzled.   
“H-how did you know-” he started and Tyler shrugged.   
“Too much icing.” he said casually and Josh looked a little hurt, but then Tyler grinned and got to experience the fortune of having another moment. He needed them, those little seconds of affectionate eye contact, otherwise he’d never go through with this to the end.   
“Sorry.” Josh said, looking smug. Tyler realized with a shiver that they were flirting. He didn’t even want to think about either of his parents looks, so instead he glanced at Jenna who was smiling from ear to ear. That felt more familiar, that support. Another realization popped into his head, accompanied by a memory. Didn’t they call themselves a family, his friends? Unrelated to one another but still playing specific roles. If his real family didn’t want him, he had a spare. “By the way, merry Christmas, Jenna!” Josh cut in, leaning over to give her a hug. Jenna seemed surprised, but hugged back anyway. Tyler kept smiling, knowing well how Josh liked hugs.   
“Oh, yeah, you guys are friends too. I think I remember you mentioning Josh, Jenna. I’m her mother.” Jenna’s mom introduced herself, waving a little.   
“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Black. I think I’ve seen you here-”  
“She ought to, no? Her boyfriend and Josh are such close friends. Tyler go on about him, at least!” Kelly laughed a little bit, cutting the conversation short. There was something about the fact that she had spoken and the tone she used that put Tyler off, but he couldn’t quite place it. That was of course until he turned to Josh, who looked puzzled. Fuck.  
“Oh, I didn’t know you guys were dating.” Josh said, his voice questioning, as if he was waiting for an explanation. Tyler wanted so badly to give him one, say that they weren’t. “Makes sense though, you’ve been friends for a while.”  
“Indeed, I thought it was only a matter of time.” Kelly answered, laying an arm around Tyler’s shoulders. He didn’t shake her off. She knew, she must have _known _what she had did. Tyler only gazed at Josh and saw how eyes were asking him what was going on in a hurted tone. Although that hurt was enough confirmation about his returned feelings, that wasn’t anything Tyler had ever questioned anyway. They were meant to be, weren’t they? And now he was with someone else. Josh looked away and Tyler had a sudden fear that he would leave, not ever giving him a chance to explain, and he blinked.  
“”Hey, can we t-” he began, but Josh cut him off by turning around.   
“What? Oh, I think my mom wants me to go...over there. But I’ll catch you guys later.” he said and smiled and waved and left.   
Tyler turned to Jenna, who looked sorry, but put a hand on his shoulder in the moments before his family started talking again.   
“You’ll talk to him and explain.” she reassured. ___ _ _ _

______It had now become very clear exactly how caught up Kelly was in Tyler’s life. She knew he liked boys, she knew he liked Josh specifically, and she knew how to ruin it. If she knew that, maybe she suspected Jenna to be fake as well. Or maybe she thought that Tyler was trying to convince himself as well, and that’s why she had seemed so proud of him lately. She was neatly cutting out the weeds and nourishing the flowers. As he thought, he felt anger start to bubble in him, he felt upset and sabotaged to the point that he wanted revenge. He knew why she was acting this way, and his father knew, and they never talked about it. He hadn’t even thought about it for months, because it was no excuse.  
“Tyler.” Jenna said and shook his shoulder a little bit. He snapped out of it. “The priest is about to say something, let’s sit down.” _ _ _ _ _ _

______They sat down and Tyler kept spacing out during the service-like speech. The priest thanked them for coming and talked about the birth of Christ and the spirit of coming together, and also thanked those who had participated in making food and preparing, all by name. Tyler remembered that Brendon’s mom had made the cookies once he mentioned it, and the picture of Josh appeared in his mind, crumbs on his chin and fascination with the first snow in his eyes. His mom huffed next to him.  
“What is your problem?” Tyler mouthed silently to himself. How could a person dedicate so much of their life to hate others? It wasn’t very Christian.   
“Now, let’s all say Grace, wish one another a merry Christmas and a happy new year. Peace be with you.” the priest finished and Tyler took hands with his mom and Jenna, mumbling the words.   
“Peace be with you.” _ _ _ _ _ _

______For the rest of the time there, Tyler had a hard time catching sight of Josh, even with his family. He didn’t dare to try texting him. Everyone had spread out and were mingling among themselves, and when Tyler found himself alone he had the perfect opportunity, grabbed it, and got himself in front of Brendon.  
“H-hey, hi! Merry Christmas, Ty!” he smiled, and then laughed nervously at his own rhyme. Tyler was about to blurt out if Brendon knew where Josh was right now, but he couldn’t stand to be impolite to his friend who looked so spooked.   
“Merry Christmas, Bren. How are things going for you?” Tyler asked fondly, though he must looked awfully worried.   
“All good, all good. Your mom is giving me weird looks which I don’t mind, but if she picks a fight with my mom do I have your permission to punch her?” he asked and Tyler grinned.   
“Yes, please. She did an awful thing.” Tyler sighed, even though he didn’t mean to get into it.   
“What?” Brendon looked worried and got a little closer.   
“I was talking to Josh and she mentioned my relationship with Jenna. He obviuously doesn’t know about it, I wish I had thought of that earlier.” Tyler sighed, and Brendon looked thoughtful for a moment.   
”Well, you could just tell him that you’re trying to make her happy. Your mom, that is. Josh knows your relationship with her is fu- messed up. Shouldn’t swear in church.” Brendon tried, scratching his neck awkwardly.   
”I’m aiming to tell him how I feel and just be honest, remember? But I can’t find him now. Any ideas?” Tyler asked, looking around quickly so the two of them wouldn’t get noticed.   
”I’ll text him,” Brendon said and opened his phone. It didn’t take so long for him to type a message, and Tyler strategically placed himself behind a pillar, out of view from his mother. ”He’s just outside right now, apparently. It got a little busy in here.” Brendon then explained, and although Tyler figured that wasn’t the whole reason he had gone outside, it was getting pretty crowded.   
”Alright, I’ll go check on him soon,” Tyler nodded, not wanting to leave Brendon alone.   
”No, go check on him now. You shouldn’t be seen with me anyway, it’s bad enough for you anyway,” Brendon sighed, giving Tyler’s arm a supportive pat.   
”You’re right. Thanks, wish me luck now,” Tyler breathed, starting to go over what he should say again.   
”Good luck, just be honest, Tyler. Everything will be alright.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The sky wasn’t clear and sparkly anymore, the fresh snow was getting a new layer. In fact the snowfall was so heavy it was hard to see more than a few feet ahead, but there was a roof above the entrance of the church to which Tyler was very grateful. The old door was loud and he was met with the wall of cold, but found Josh instantly, sitting on the stairs despite the cold. He turned around to check who was coming, then turned right back to look at nothing.  
”Hi,” he said, sounding friendly as ever, but they both knew he was hurt.   
”Hi,” Tyler answered and sat down next to him.   
”You don’t have to-” Josh shut himself up when their eyes met and he looked away, cleared his throat and then met him with softness instead. ”Sorry. What’s up?” he asked. Tyler could almost laugh at what a bad actor he was.   
”I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Jenna,” he said, feeling an evil feeling of letting Josh be hurt a little bit longer, rub it in before telling him like it was. He wanted to see the look on his face.   
”Tyler, it’s okay. It’s none of my business,” Josh shook his head. ”It’s fine.”  
”Is it?” Tyler asked and Josh looked at him, only to blush furiously and look away.   
”Why wouldn’t it be? I mean I thought…I thought you guys were platonic, but like your mom said, it was only a matter of time,”Josh nodded as if to reassure himself. Tyler felt so bad for him, but knew it would be okay soon.   
”I figured you’d be jealous,” Tyler sighed casually, still playing with the emotions.   
”What?” Josh laughed awkwardly and a wind blew snowflakes in their faces.   
”I don’t know, you know…because I’d be spending more time with her, replace you…all that stuff.” Tyler tried and he saw on Josh’s face how he didn’t like when Tyler mentioned Jenna. He’d stop soon.   
”Oh. No, no. Not at all.” Josh said, and it almost sounded like he was relieved. Tyler figured Josh had interpreted it as being romantically jealous. He wanted to tease him about that, but he couldn’t risk Josh admitting his feelings first. It had to be Tyler, otherwise it would be in vain.   
”Yeah, you’re too nice.” Tyler shrugged.   
”You’re right, I am.” Josh agreed, and it was a little surprising. Josh laughed a little bit. ”I’m a pushover. I just…let things happen.” He sighed and although it was clear to Tyler what he meant, he knew that wasn’t expected. He said nothing. His words made Tyler feel very guilty all of a sudden, understanding that he had gone too far with playing with Josh’s feelings for now. He thought of how to fix this, as he hadn’t thought over how to explain Jenna in his head.   
”You don’t have to feel jealous. In any way. About Jenna.” Tyler said, sounding awkward and stiff.  
”Tyler, I know.” Josh sighed, begging Tyler to just shut up.   
”She’s not my girlfriend.” He blurted out. Josh turned to him, looking more surprised than Tyler had ever seen him. ”I’m gay.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Josh stood up, taking a few steps back, looking mortified and confused.  
”What?” he exclaimed. ”You’re- you’re- what?” He started laughing in the stress, probably trying to figure out what the hell Tyler was talking about and how all of this fit together. Tyler didn’t answer him, but stood up too.  
”You heard about the rumors that Brendon started about me back in the day? It wasn’t actually him, but word got around that I was gay and I presumed he was the one who started it because he was the only one who would have thought so. I didn’t know that I was but he was sure of it. I hated him so much, but he was right.” Tyler finished, and Josh was still staring at him in disbelief.   
”You’re unbelievable. I can’t believe you. Are you joking? You’re joking right now.” Josh tried to argue with himself, and Tyler didn’t quite see why this was so surprising. The two of them had been flirting like half an hour ago.   
”I’m not. I’m gay. You know how I know that?” With the realization how dangerous all this was, the consequences and the fact that he had actually come out to someone, Tyler felt a lump in his throat, choking on his tears. He was always a crybaby. Josh looked into the ground. ”Because of you.” Tyler said in his softest tone possible and they met eyes.  
”What?” Josh asked, looking confused and like he was about to cry too.   
”I don’t like Jenna. Or any girl, or any guy for that matter.” Tyler breathed. ”I like you.” _ _ _ _ _ _

______With that it felt like a stone had been lifted off his shoulders. One heavier than any other he’d ever have to carry, and the atmosphere was suddenly so light and the air so sweet and the snow so warm and soft that they both started to laugh. The dam broke too, and Tyler had to dry a few tears before looking at Josh again, who was staring into the ground and biting his bottom lip with determination.  
”What?” Tyler asked worriedly.   
”I like you too. That’s why I got upset. Obviously.” he breathed, looking like he was about to explode with nervousness. Tyler felt bad.   
”Dude, I know that.” He laughed. Josh did too. ”You’re a terrible liar.   
”I know.” He nodded. ”I know I am.” He nodded, and the way he looked was way too beyond compare with how Tyler had ever seen him, and he just couldn’t stop his feet from walking forward just like he couldn’t stop them from running away sometimes. ”What-” Josh didn’t finish before Tyler had grabbed a hold of both sides of his face and closed his eyes as he leaned in. Meeting Josh’s mouth with his own sent sparks into Tyler’s limbs and chest, but it wasn’t as nerve-wracking as he had always thought it would be. He wasn’t scared. He felt safe, it felt weirdly homely. He felt Josh’s little stubble on his own chin, and their eyelashes met and his skin was so, so cold. But it wasn’t repulsing or bad, it was all good. He moved back and his hands trailed down Josh’s arm, and took a hold of his hand. If it had felt easy and calm for Tyler, it definitely had not for Josh. His eyes were so wide and his face so red, Tyler wondered if he had made him mute. But then he smiled, and they both giggled as they flicked their eyes around, not saying a word.   
”Uhm…” Josh hummed and Tyler snorted.   
”Don’t say anything. Please. For once.” He laughed and Josh nodded, doing the same. He swallowed.   
”But wait, uh…does…does anyone know about this? What does your family think?” Josh asked, apparently realizing the risks. Tyler sighed as Josh had just blatantly disobeyed him.  
”Zack knows. That’s about it. I think my mom knows too and if she finds out, which she will, she might disown me. But don’t think about it, I don’t give a shit what they think.” Tyler hummed, and Josh snorted at his choice of words.   
”Okay. I’ll be with you. And, uh...what about Jenna? Does she know? Earlier I almost thought you were just with her to make your parents happy.” Josh admitted, looking down at their intertwined hands.   
“She knows. It was probably more her and Brendon that figured me out, not me. So I asked her to pretend for me while I tell you how I feel.” Tyler said awkwardly. He wasn’t so nervous about it now that it was done, everything actually felt very peaceful, but it was awkward to talk about it.   
“Oh. So you’ll… now?” Josh questioned and Tyler grinned at him. “Not jealous!”   
“You’re jealous. But I don’t think so, just to be sure Jenna figured we’d keep the cover a while longer. It’ll be okay, we’ll just say I’m with her when I’m with you.” Tyler nodded and Josh did the same, but he didn’t look very relaxed. “What?”  
“So we’re...you and I...are like...boyfriends now?” he asked and they both probably blushed equally red, but laughed it off.   
“Uh, I guess-” Tyler interrupted himself when they both heard the volume of tones from inside get gradually higher. Some sounded upset, and the boys shared a somewhat knowing glance. _ _ _ _ _ _

______Upon heading back inside, Tyler recognized his mother’s voice and felt his body grow cold as he looked around for her. Everyone were either talking at the same time or staring in with confused or upset expressions in one direction, and Tyler remembered to let Josh’s hand go as he headed over there. The scene he was now in front of was so shocking that it took him a second to process. His mother was scolding and waving her arms around as his father tried to hold her back and calm her down, and in front of her was no other than Brendon Urie himself, looking absolutely mortified. Dallon and Sarah were behind him, looking like they had no idea what to do.  
“You are the absolute scum of the earth, nothing you do ever leads to any good! All you’ve done is bring misery and sin on my family, do you hear me? You and your fag friends have destroyed my son-” she barked and Tyler’s mouth fell open slightly as he tried to get his legs to move. When he spotted Jenna across the hall he just couldn’t stop himself as he rushed forward and got in between his friend and his mom, but only for a moment.   
“Oh, Tyler! Sweet child, don’t tell that what this boy is saying is true, you’re not gay, you’re-”  
“Shut the hell up! I’m not your son.” Tyler was already crying, and the look on his mother’s face matched the gasps of their audience. Tyler turned around, took hold of Brendon’s wrist and marched away. Josh looked spooked but he hurried along and held up the door. Tyler’s head was pounding with such a noise that he couldn’t think of where he was going, he just went right outside into the blizzard and hoped no one else followed. When they had gotten away from the view of the church and were around the corner of the street, Tyler let go of Brendon’s arm which he had probably held onto too tight, and looked around to see that all his friends were there.   
“I’m sorry,” he breathed, looking Brendon in the eyes. They were tear-filled like his own and he shook his head. “I’m sorry that you had to put up with that, Brendon, I really am.”   
“It’s-it’s okay. I- it’s, it’s my own fault. I shouldn’t have...shouldn’t have talked to her at all.” Brendon kept shaking his head and Tyler realized he must be panicking.   
“What was all that about?” Josh asked quietly, and Tyler turned to him, then to everyone else. He had to explain.   
“The...the reason my mom is crazy and hates gay people so much is because...because her dad cheated on her mom with a man.” Everyone looked surprised, especially Brendon. “It broke her entire family apart. My dad told me about it a few months ago. That’s why we met in the woods, Josh.” Tyler nodded at Josh, who just did the same, speechless. “And that’s why she’s targeting you, Brendon. In her eyes you’re like that other man who tore up her parents, and now you’re tearing up me. Or at least she thinks so. But you’re not.” Tyler reassured, laying a hand on Brendon’s shoulder. He seemed to be calming down, probably from the surprise.   
“It does make sense, in a way.” Dallon thought out loud all of a sudden. “I thought there was something weird in what she was saying.” Everyone hummed in agreement.  
“The reason I haven’t told anyone about this is because, well...I’ve just been feeling so guilty about it and just tried to forget about it. I know how she’d react if she found out about me so I just wanted to block it all out. But...but I can’t do that anymore.” Tyler looked up from the ground and at Josh and Jenna.   
“Tyler.” Brendon now cut it, and everyone looked at him. “I...I might have...I might have outed you to your mom. She was yelling at me about my sexuality and how it was my mom’s fault and I just...wanted to make her angry, and I’m really sorry.” he breathed, looking down into the ground. Tyler felt only a little bit cheated, but he had already figured that out by his mother’s words earlier.   
“It’s okay. I can’t hide it anymore, anyway.” he decided, and there was a moment of silence, before Sarah suddenly spoke up.   
“But, uh...where do you go now?” she asked, her voice smart but careful like always.  
“Yeah, I can’t let you go home now. Now to her, I’m sorry.” Josh spoke, looking worried. Everyone looked at him for a moment, but then seemed to agree.   
“I don’t know.” Tyler admitted. “I’ll be fine, guys. Don’t worry about that. I’m not gonna drag you down with me anymore. I said to myself I’d face her and deal with the consequences. And so I will.” he sighed, trying to muster determination.   
“Oh no, don’t even try it. You’re not going to do anything alone.” Brendon said, his voice now strong. Tyler admired how he gained courage for others, no matter how scared he was for himself.   
“That’s right. Tyler, your mother is mentally ill. We can’t brush this under the rug. We’ll solve it together.” Jenna said and Tyler thought back to when he said he didn’t like her. He might as well kiss her right now in gratitude. The thought amused him so much he grinned.   
“You can probably live with us for a while if you want, my parents love you.” Josh said, and Tyler changed his mind. If he was going to kiss anyone, it would be Josh.   
“I don’t want you to get hurt. If she finds out we’re dating, I can’t tell you what she’ll do.” he hummed and everyone seemed to pause. Brendon threw his hands up.   
“Fuck yeah! You’re dating! Tyler’s got game!” he laughed.   
“Will you please take this seriously?” Sarah growled and everyone laughed nervously. It was all a big mess, and it was far from over, but at least Tyler wouldn’t have to power through it alone._ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END. OF THIS ONE. Seriously, I am going to write a sequel, it doesn't even feel like this is completed. A big thank you to everyone who have come along on this ride, I hope you enjoyed it as much as me! Now I'm going to start fixing all the dumb typos throughout the story and then start planning more! As my first ever completed bandifc, I feel pretty proud, even though it wasn't the best of my ability. I like to plan a lot, but for this story I just wrote what I wanted along the way, which is why it's such a slow burn! 
> 
> Thanks again for reading, and have a nice start of school soon, everybody! <3


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